Please Update on How You're Doing

SheriKCMO · 09-13-2004, 01:59 PM

Hi Everybody,
I'd love to hear how everyone is doing, even after years have gone by. Please stop in and let us know what's on your mind, how you've been coping, how a loss has changed things for you, what you've been up to, etc. I care about all of you and want to know if you're okay and so on. I'm certain that I'm not alone in this.

Even though I have my own drama posted in its own thread, I'll give a brief update to get this started.

After Mary Catherine came, I was devestated of course, but my body bounced right back into action. The low carbing really got my hormones going. I had a real cycle start three weeks after delivery. Just two months later, I conceived again. It was a huge relief to be back in business and get another chance. I wasn't worried at all and was ready to continue grieving but be very happy about the new baby. Well, that one didn't stick around. A week later, I started bleeding, and my betas fell, and you all know the disappointment I was feeling. I sank into a deep depression. I didn't even feel like posting on SoulCysters! (Now that's bad.) I was certain that my eggs were all duds and that I would never have a living child. Two months went by like this, and then I started feeling better, like life was worth living, at least part of the time. I noticed that my temperatures were up. Sure enough, I had ovulated. When I felt like AF was about to show up, I was pissed off but still feeling okay. We went to a wedding and drank a bunch of wine- oops. A few days later, I got my bfp for this baby. We didn't tell anyone for several weeks. Then we told only our sisters. Then when the cerclage was going to happen, we told our parents and I told my cysters. There have been many emotional ups and downs during this process, believe me, and the pregnancy hormones make me weepy and wanting my little girl so bad! I'm scared about losing My Little Honey, but I just try to take things one day at a time. Today is pretty good. I go to a support group for parents who have lost a baby. It helps me.

I wish you all the best,
Sheri

kbug · 09-13-2004, 02:50 PM

I had a m/c in may after we discovered we had a blighted ovum. I tried to avoid all my feelings of loss and sadness and jumped right back into ttc. I had an unsuccessful iui cycle with injectibles in July and fell into an incredible depression - a pit of despair. Thanks to my naturopath, I have come out of depression and my cycles are starting to be more regular (5HTP and rhodiola for depression, vitex and saw palmetto for my cycles). Life is feeling more 'up'. We're going to try IVF again in Dec or Jan and have started looking into adoption. Through this journey, I have had to remember how much time things can take, that mourning and sadness are not something that's ever done, but that they come and go in a different way as time passes.

KBug

airforcewifeynva · 09-13-2004, 03:30 PM

Well, most of you know that after losing my son, we went on to have Benjamin. He will be a year old next month. Wow. After we lost Dallas, we lost another baby before Ben and we have lost another one after Ben.

I think we may be done with TTC. We have been through enough heartache and Ben is perfect. I don't feel the need to have another baby. Everyone keeps telling me I will get baby fever again. So far I haven't. Maybe a few years down the road I will get the courage up to try for one more. I wouldnt mind Ben having a little brother or sister but only time will tell.

I still miss all my babies...especially Dallas. I mourn for him every day. It has been over 2 years and it still hurts. I have Ben now and he makes me feel better. I know he has Dallas and his other brothers/sisters looking out for him.

*Clarissa* · 09-14-2004, 12:57 AM

Sheri what a great idea. Congrats on you progress with your pregnancy. I always check your siggy when I see your posts to see how far along you are.

So here is my story.

I don't really know where to start. Well I guess my first son would be a good starting point. We had tried for almost 2 years when we finally got pregnant. Two weeks later, I started bleeding, fearing the worst I went in for an ultrasound. Thankfully everything was okay, and the bleeding went away. At 32 weeks I started contracting and had to go to the hospitol. I was 3cm and 90%. Luckily They were able to slow down the contraction enough to give me the 2 shots for Noah's lungs. I was sent home after 3 days. I contracted all week and was admitted again a week later, this time they could not stop it. I gave birth that night after midnight. Noah was a very small 5 pounds 3 ounces. He had trouble breathing and was immediatly taken to the nursery. I had a 3rd degree rip and required 200 stitches, which took the doctor 2 hours to put in. I ripped up the right side of my vagina, very painful. To make a longer story shorter, Noah is now a beautiful, smart, very smart, 2 year old.

Now on to trying to have another baby. Everyday seems to get easier, then I'll have a day like today, and it feels like the pain has not eased at all. I lost my precious Alex in April when we found out via ultrasound that her heart had stopped. I had to have a D&C to have her removed. We were devastated. I felt the best thing was to try again immediatly. I had to have something to look forewad to. The very first cycle back trying I got pregnant again. How lucky . . . I thought. A week after finding out, and having slow rising betas, I started bleeding. I knew what was happening. I went to the doctor that day, and they confirmed it, my betas had started dropping. That was the day after Father's Day.

Now here I am, my first cycle since then. I am not medicating this cycle. I needed the time off from ttc to reflect on what had happened. I am on cd33 of an annovulatory cycle. I will start Provera Wednesday to start another cycle. I will be on 150mg this time, up from 100mg. My hopes are high, for a conception and a sticky. I do not think that I can emotinally handle another miscarriage. I especially do not think that I could ttc again if I have another one.

So how am I doing now? I am trying to move on. I will never forget my precious Alex and Sydney. Nor will I quit morning them. Everyday gets easier, but there are still those days that no matter what I do I cannot quit crying for my babies. I cry for them everyday, but some days are so much harder than others. Time will ease the pain, but I don't think it will ever be healed.

CathyWood · 09-14-2004, 01:11 AM

Well when we had our D & C the doctor said give me 3 months and she'll be pg again. Well after 2 weeks I got depressed and it lasted for a good long while. So after 3 months I was ready to start over again..and nothing and nothing. So we are on a big long break since June.

I believe next cycle we will do a HSG and see what we will do after that. I think now that we may have the money to do stuff we may try things.

Amy_53405 · 09-14-2004, 01:17 AM

I just had my m/c last month and have to say that I have been very irritated by many..(no one on sc though) because everyone, including my husband says "well, there wasn't an actual baby so why are you so sad?" I keep explaining that even at 4wks it was a baby (or 2) to me and that I talked to my tummy and everything. Anyways, as long as no one says that stupid stuff i'm dealing ok. I was hoping to do IVF next month, but I might have an immunological disorder which makes my body attack the baby. I'll findout for sure in 2.5 weeks so it's more waiting for me.

loriette · 09-14-2004, 01:59 AM

I have m/c twice in the past year, the lastest on Mother's day this year. The last one probably hit me the worst. I was so devestated I honestly did not want to ttc again. I have a ds who is four, and I had made myself just come to terms there may not ever be another baby in our future. But, after a 3 month break, I had changed my mind and I was more determined then ever before to ttc. I started eating right, losing weight, taking baby asprin everday, anything to get pg and stay pg. I started met in August and if nothing happens by Nov we will combine clomid. I am not going to say I don't worry about future m/c, I do. I won't say there isn't days I still cry for my babies, because I do have those days, but, for some reason I just keep trying.

SweetPea76 · 09-14-2004, 02:34 AM

I m/c in July at 11 weeks. 4 weeks earlier we had seen a strong heartbeat and my doctor said no worries.

At first it was rough. I did a lot of crying and yelling in the first few days. But that helped. Soon I was able to talk about it and I moved through the grieving process quickly.

At my follow up visit, the doc talked to me about ttc again and said it was ok to take Met and ttc again. If it didn't work, or I m/c again- there would be more doctors and more testing. I smiled at him and said "Thanks, but no thanks." I hated being on the medication, and the whole ttc, charting, timing BD thing was driving me nuts. I was obsessed. It wasn't pretty.

DH and I had started discussing adoption when I was diagnosed, and I brought the subject up again after the m/c. We officially started the int'l adoption process on 8/29 and are currently in the process of completing the requirements for our homestudy.

My emotions are back to normal. I still look in my memory box of my little angel every now and then, but I am one of those who believes things happen for a reason. I know my angel is smiling down on me from heaven and is safe in my grandma's loving arms which held me so long ago.

~Traci~ · 09-14-2004, 12:38 PM

Well, in the past 1 1/2 years I've been pg 4 x's & m/c'd 3 x's.

The 1st was a chemical pg (which no one understands that you are really pg & it is emotional!).

The second loss was @ 9wks. I had started spotting @ about 5 weeks & they said everything was ok. I was pg w/ quads though so they said that was the cause of the spotting. I ended up having 3 blighted ovums & 1 surviving baby until 9 wks when we went in for our 2nd u/s & we couldn't see the h/b anymore & the baby had only grown 1 week from the last u/s 2 wks before. I had a D&C & we had to wait about 5 months until my betas went to 0 & I stopped spotting.

We could finally TTC again, I got pg that first cycle (I always get pg when I take Follistim) & m/c'd @ 6wks.

Now, I'm 5w0d pg again & today is my milestone day to not spot. If I don't start spotting today, I've pasted the last 2 pg's b/c the last 2 times I started spotting on today.

Good Luck to everyone! I'm so happy to hear everyones stories, what a great idea Sheri!
Traci

ETA: Changed how pg I am b/c I was a day off!

Amy_53405 · 09-14-2004, 01:34 PM

Traci, just wanted to wish you good luck and you and your baby will be in my prayers....

~Traci~ · 09-14-2004, 01:37 PM

Thank you so much Amy! We need all the luck & prayers we can get!

TTYL
Traci

SheriKCMO · 09-14-2004, 02:44 PM

Wow! Thanks for all of the prompt responses. I hope everyone else is benefitting from the catching up process as I am. Keep 'em coming, cysters.
((Hugs to everyone, of course!))

momma2more · 09-19-2004, 08:07 PM

Hi ladies~

Well......all I can say is that it has been one he!! of a year.
I'm going to make this as brief as I can. My story goes like this...My husband and I have been trying to conceive since our wedding night and never got PG. So after 7 years and a million meds, procedures, tests, medication, and agravation we both decided more than anything we wanted to be parents. So we looked into adopting. It was then that we were Blessed with our miricle baby boy! Andrew was born@ 26 weeks weighing only 2 lbs.4oz. and was 14 inches long. I will never forget the joy and love that filled my heart the day he was born. We had our prayers answered and we were parents........fast forward to ANdrew's 3rd birthday. I had been feeling fluish and decided to take about my one millionth PG test and just about dropped over when I saw 2 lines. We were thrilled to say the least. I had a pretty uneventful Pg and I LOVED being pregnant. A day shy of 22 weeks I had gone into the Doc because I didn't feel quite right. I was in labor and had an infection and I knew my daughter was going to be born to early to survive. Unfortunatley you ladies know the feeling that comes with this type of devastating loss. I could barley function. In fact the thing that helped me do so was my son. Most importantly my Faith. God got me through. I got PG again 3 months later and lost that baby at 9 1/2 weeks. I love both of my angels but to be honest I wasn't ready to be PG that soon. I was still mourning my daughter BIG time. I cried myself to sleep every night. Now don't get me wrong. I love that second baby and would have been thrilled but I guess God had another plan for me. This past June I had gone in for my ann. pap and asked my doc if he thought I should go on clomid or something. I was ready to try again and nothing was happening. He told me not to jump the gun and again I put my trust in God. I completly gave this up to Him..if Andrew was to be an only child...I was very Blessed...He has his little sister in Heaven. Again though God has answered our prayers. I am expecting again and we couldn't be happier. ALl is going well and i'm 14 weeks along!! I have this sense of peace about this baby and I really look forward to meeting Him/her. I know Alivia is our little guardian angel watching over all of us!!! I still miss Alvia terrible but I know she is with us. Peace to all of you!!

Sorry this is long winded...but when it comes to my children I could go on forever.

Blessings~

Kelly

PS~ Sheri...Thanks for this thread. It is heartwarming and theraputic. God Bless you!!!

ERICKA77 · 09-23-2004, 02:51 PM

Well this is my first time coming to the MC board, and my first time posting....I guess it is too sad for me to come here. But after reading all you wonderful cyster's posts...I'm coming here more often.

I've only been pregnant once in my life and that one time I MC. It happened a few years ago, but I get the pain in my heart all the time. A few people tell me get over it, it was a few years ago. But, maybe I should and I pretty much am to a certain extent. But what hurts the most is the ONE time I get pregnant, I loose our baby.
We were on vacation, and at the beach of all places when it happened. I just started getting these violent cramps. Unusual cramps. Went to the b-room and was spotting clear/brownish. Well as the day went on the cramps got worse, then I started bleeding. OMG never seen so much blood. But it never dawned on me it was a MC. How stupid was I? Later that night, I was in the restroom, when "IT" came out. Not going to describe what I saw, because ya'll know. At that very moment, I knew....I was in the bathroom for a long time. I couldn't bring myself to come out and face my husband. We were staying with his mom at the time so we were at her house. My husband eventually came and knocked on the door, and I couldn't answer him, because I was crying.
Went to the doctor when we got back home, and he was so mean. Said I was crazy for thinking it was a miscarriage. The pregnacy test he took came back negative and he said it was just build up and clots. Well, bloodclots don't look like what came out of my body that night. So I went to another doctor, and sure enough it was a miscarriage.
We have been trying ever since to get pregnant....And never have. That was our one and only time......I have faith that since I'm back on Metformin we will get pregnant......

But (((hugs))) to all of you who have gone through this......

kwannabee · 10-03-2004, 01:50 PM

Well Sheri and all...i have to say that in the last 8 months since having my girls i've got to know you all so much...i've shared things with you all that ive never spoken out loud with anyone else...its been a real emotional roller coaster and i dont know how i would have coped without you all!

After dealing with the whole infertility/injection/drug cycles and everything i thank the Lord for my little boy Timothy who just turned 5, and when i did the whole thing again and concieved my baby girls aimee and dana i thought my life was complete. Losing them to an incompetant cervix and finding out afterwards that otherwise they were perfectly healthy little girls and would have just done fine...well that just about did me in...i remember feeling so abandoned by God and that Mother Nature hated me...coming on here the first time about a week after losing them and crying as i typed out my first post 'I miss my babies"...those memories will never leave me.

I stayed home for 6 months afterwards and completely used you all as my therapists...there are still things that some of you have said in passing that i remind myself of every day...like little recordings i play when i get down about things. I just went back to work and my hubby and i have finally found ourselves on the same page in terms of trying again. We're both still scared of 'losing' again...but i'm pretty stubborn and i've gone haywire with research and reading and learning about what i need to do to carry through with a full term pregancy. Last night i was at walmart and i found myself for the first time actually anxious and excited to browse the baby section...before i would do it with guilt and sadness...but now i feel like my babies are up there picking me out another baby soul and its okay to dream again. I even bought a diaper bag with an insulated bottle section...and dh is buying me a laptop computer (2nd hand) so i can stay online when i'm on the couch on bedrest...

i think my biggest hurdle after the raw emotion of losing my girls was feeling like me and dh are a team again...that we both are ready at the same time to try again...i had to give us both time...but we're ready to go! Sheri this thread was a wonderful wonderful idea...i remember people saying to me back then that i would feel differently in a few months...that it would hurt a little less each day...that my life would go on even though i would forever be changed...i didnt believe them...i think all of these updates can be really helpful to those who need to hear that 'it gets better' Well, it doesnt 'get better' but you all know what i mean, it just gets easier i guess.

At the end of this month on day 5 of my next cycle i will start my next round of injections. I'm hoping to find out i'm pregnant in November. Ive made arrangements with my doctors already and we all know that at 12 weeks i will have a cerclage and be put on bedrest the remainder of my pregnancy...it will be tough but we can do it. I'm wishing you all success and hugs and babydust...and just know that you guys help more then you'll ever know!

[[[hugs]]]