Polycystic ovaries are wrecking my relationship

Ian Probert · 06-11-2002, 09:15 PM

Hello everyone. I'm male and have problems with polycystic ovaries.

Until a year ago I'd never heard of the condition. That was until I met Laura, a workmate whom I fell in love with and left my partner of ten years for. It was a classic situation: Laura was with someone, I was with someone, our eyes met across a crowded bar and hey presto: within four months I'm living with the girl, deliriously happy and not quite believing what has happened to me.

Then reality set in.

A day after moving into a flat with Laura, she underwent a strange change of character. She was moody, aggressive, a totally different person. We began to argue. Regularly. At first I thought it was me that was causing all the problems. Then Laura told me about her polycystic ovaries and I did some research on the subject on the internet.

Laura's moods follow a definite pattern. Mostly they occur twice a month. There are tell-tale symptoms: first spots will appear on her face, in bed she will toss and turn in her sleep, then we will fight like cat and dog. Recently her moods swings have been occuring once a week, which is a nightmare for both of us.

I've tried everything to put up with her mood swings but often it's impossible to deal with her. It's now reached the point where we are about to split up.

The problem is that Laura seems to have difficulty admitting that she has a problem I've pleaded with her to go and see a specialist but she tells me that there are no specialists. Her attitude is that her moods swings are part of her and that if I don't like it I can leave. My attitude is that her moods swings are part of a medical condition that needs to be treated. Her moods are not the real her.

I'm contacting this board because I'd like some help and advice from polycystic ovaries sufferers. I know little about the conditon and would like to know about the most up to date treatments available. My email is: truth@iprobert.plus.com.

I'd also like sufferers to contact Laura personally. Her condition is wrecking our relationship – we're almost at the point of no return. She doesn't know that I'm doing this but if anybody out there can offer Laura some woman to woman advice and/or support I'd be so grateful. Her email address is: deleted by SoulHubby, 6/15/02.

For me this is pretty much a last resort. As I write this Laura is in bed in the other room – we haven't spoken for four days. I'm due to sleep on the floor in the living room. For the past two days I've actually been staying in a hotel to get away from Laura and what we have come to call her 'polycystic episodes'.

I'm really at my wits end. It would be so sad to lose this beautiful woman, whom I coveted from afar for over so very, very long.

Once again, I'd be so grateful for any advice or support.

CysterChrista · 06-11-2002, 09:55 PM

Ian, I'm so sorry to hear of yours and Laura's problems. I just want to commend you for taking the intiative that you have, and welcome you to SoulCysters. It says a lot about your character that you're doing this work. It also says a lot about how you feel for Laura. You must be a very caring man. She's a lucky woman.

Keep up the good work. If Laura does come around and seek medical attention, she'll thank you later for hanging in there and giving her the support you have been.

Mood swings and horrible PMS are definitely signs of PCOS. What other symptoms does she have, if any? I have lived with two men in my life and I know that our relationship changed dramatically when we moved in together. There comes a time when you stop being so polite and you just see each other for what you really are. Could it be that some of that is going on? Perhaps she stayed away from you when she was having these episodes? I'm not discounting PCOS. I'm just saying there could be more here than meets the eye.

I don't know who many emails Laura is going to get, so I'm not going to email her. I don't want her to feel that we are taking sides. She may never come to the site and see that having PCOS doesn't have to be the end of the world if she feels threatened.

Here's some basic info for you. First, definitely check out the FAQ in my sig. There's some great info there, and in the Newbie Starter Kit too.

First and foremost, PCOS is a syndrome, not a true disease. That is, it's a collection of symptoms that you can have one or all of (or anywhere in between) to be diagnosed with the syndrome. The symptoms are caused by various hormone imbalances. The most common in insulin (a condition called Insulin Resistance, or IR), followed by adrenalin.

Because most PCOS is caused by IR, most Cysters tend to be overweight, with an "apple figure". IR means that you have too much insulin. At some point the body became resistant to the insulin and had to start making more to keep sugar levels normal. The excess insulin causes other hormones to become unbalanced. Hormones run everything in the body, so you can imagine the problems this can cause.

Here are some common symptoms of PCOS:
--irregular menstruation
--infertility
--overweight
--hirsutism
--male pattern baldness
--mood swings and depression
--skin tags
--acanthosis nigricans

If the hormone imbalances aren't corrected they can lead to serious health problems. In the case of IR:
--Diabetes Type II
--Heart Disease
--Certain Cancers

Maybe you can try to come at this from a more supportive position. I know sometimes when I'm approached from a, "I'm concerned about you," stand-point rather than a, "I can't take this anymore; this has to get fixed," stand-point, I'm a little more apt to listen. No one likes being told there's something wrong with them. Maybe she doesn't want to admit there's something wrong for fear that it's a whole lot more serious than it is. Maybe she just feels threatened by your approach (I don't know how you've approached her so this is just an option.). Maybe it's something altogether different, like an inability to listen to anyone telling her anything at all might be wrong with her or her attitude. Some people just can't handle that, you know?

Be patient with her, but know that you may have to draw the line. Make a plan for yourself so you don't get stepped on. Make it clear to her that you are willing to stick it out and support her as long as she's going to do something to help resolve the issue, but that as it stands you feel you are in an unhealthy relationship.

Keep in touch. I'd like to know how it's going. Let us know if there's anything more we can do.

Christa

Ian Probert · 06-11-2002, 10:05 PM

Dear Christa

Thank you so much for your response.

Firstly, I didn't reveal that Laura was diagnosed as having PO a long time ago (she's 30 now). I know that things can change when you live with someone, but Laura's mood changes began the day after we moved in together.

I think one of Laura's problems is that she doesn't think she can do anything about PO, therefore she will not even look for a specialist. She made a cursory attempt some months ago and went to see a herbal practioner. She came back with a big basket full of vitamins, which had no effect.

If at all possible I'd like fellow PO sufferers to contact her at deleted by SoulHubby, 6/15/02 with practical advice.

Thanks again, Christa. From a male perspective, everyone out there suffering from PO has my unqualified sympathy and friendship.

kpnthefaith · 06-11-2002, 10:33 PM

Hi Ian,

I agree with everything Christa had to say. I must say, though, that I'm not sure a barrage of emails from strangers would make Laura more open to finding help for her PCOS symptoms. She may end up feeling more attacked than anything else. What I might suggest is that you print out this thread that you started, showing her Christa's response to your concerns.

I wish you both the best!

Ian Probert · 06-11-2002, 10:40 PM

Thank you Jennifer.

Appreciate the advice and kind words but I disagree with you on the point of emails from strangers. I want Laura to know that there are other people out there experiencing the same problems as her. Try as I might I cannot get her to listen to me, or to even look at this message board.

I'm hoping that messages from women who are fellow sufferers will be sensitive enough to let Laura know that there is hope, and that a proactive approach to her condition could be productive.

I'm in the last chance saloon, I'm almost at the point where I have nothing left to lose as far as this relationship goes. The worst thing is, I feel there is nothing I can do about it.

Thanks again.

Lucy · 06-12-2002, 12:03 AM

Hi Ian,

Well I went against the grain and sent Laura a message. I won't go into detail because it was quite long. I hop it helps. Keep me posted. PM me if you'd like. Good luck and best wishes.

taah · 06-12-2002, 01:25 AM

I also sent Laura a message with a link in it where she can find more information on PCOS. Hope this helps.

TERRA

guineapig · 06-12-2002, 08:00 AM

A female, recently diagnosed PCOS & IR but suffering for 3.5 years (since depo-provera injection: tell your partner to RUN from that crap), I can honestly say that there have been times in the past few years where my personality had changed so violently without my control that I was dangerous. I would want to kill people at the grocery store and then get so depressed I would want to kill myself. It was embarassing to take the steps to go to a therapist, and it IMO is also embarassing to go to a health professional about the symptoms of PCOS sometimes. If her insurance covers it, you might try to encourage her to see an endocrinologist. If the doctor decides that medications will help her condition, perhaps a professional opinion will nudge her to try them? She may have been living with PCOS so long she views the mood swings as normal. I had wondered if this was true myself, until my hubby started complaining. But the medications have started to help, and that MAY be the answer for your situation also. I hope things get better. My mood swings broke up a previous relationship (before DH) despite my best efforts to curb the rages.

Jenay · 06-12-2002, 10:36 PM

Oh, I do feel for you. I have a similar problem, and sometimes I hate myself for it. I can't blame it all on PCOS, because I also believe that you are a product of your environment. But the combination of the two makes it often difficult to even breathe properly and to just LIVE. Today I went outside and smelled a rose that had blossomed. It was nice. Too often I take forgranted such small and seemingly unimportant things because I'm too angry at the world. I'm too busy *****ing and hating myself to see anything positive around me, and am too clouded by my own madness to see the love that my db has for me. I know he loves me, but he is to the point where he just ignores me when I cry because I cry almost on a daily basis, sometimes several times in one day alone. So many many issues there are. I know it's hard to understand. I just wish someone would reach inside this wall I've built and listen to me when I need it most. I don't mean to be so cold and angry. Make me feel good when I feel so sad. Listen to me when no one else will. Don't take my anger so personally and try to love me once again, so I can learn to love myself.

Sigh.

DolciLady · 06-13-2002, 12:19 AM

(Warning: this is extremely blunt and hard edged...I tend not to pull any punches...but I care very much...probably way too much, in fact..hence my strong reactions)

Buy her the PCOS Bible, "PCOS: The Hidden Epidemic" by Dr Samuel Thatcher. You can order it at Amazon.com, if it's not in your local bookstore. It covers every aspect of PCOS treatment, background, guidelines...you name it: from birth to menopause.

She can't blame all her emotional outrages on PCOS, that's not how this works. PCOS is very real...but she's in denial and it sounds like she's using PCOS as a crutch for some deeper reason. I'm being blunt, I admit....but have you suggested couples counseling? Make an appointment for yourself, if she won't go.

She's chosen to be a victim....and a victim of ignorance on top of it. PCOS is not a proverbial death sentence, unless she intends on continuing to ignore it, blaming everything on it and taking you & your relationship down with it. She obviously has little respect or self confidence in/for herself...and I totally understand that part of it.

Make an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist for her...they are the true experts on PCOS, even if pregnancy conception isn't even in the picture. Drag her kicking and screaming if you have to.

She's using PCOS as a crutch to get away with some awful behavior...and I feel sorry for you for putting up with it. As a fellow severe PCOS sufferer....from my own personal experience...her behavior and lackadaisacal attitude is inexcusable.

I hope I haven't offended you, but there's no way I can email her, unless I copy and paste this post to her...which I'm sure she'd reject and have choice words to spew back at me. She's suffering at her own hand, and you've obviously tried to open her eyes. You've done more than enough.

If she won't care....she won't be happy. Regardless of your circumstances...you choose to be happy, in spite of it all. You choose to do something to change your situation, or you relish being a martyr. How can you respect that? You can feel sorry for only so long....you have to decide when enough is enough. You cannot fix her, only she can. I hope something happens within her to wake up from this 'head in the sand' mentality. But I have a strong suspicion this isn't all PCOS related.

My heart goes out to you, Ian. Be strong and make a decision and stick by it. That's the best way you can help her..by helping yourself. You can put the tools, info, support (like from this board) in front of her....but it's her decision to use it. You have to decide whether you can live with her choice. It is NOT your job to make her happy (no matter how much you love her). Period.

Robin

SoulHubby · 06-13-2002, 05:10 PM

Ian-

I have great deal of respect for how you're trying to help Laura out, and I have no doubts you're trying to act in the best interest of both Laura, and your relationship with her.

However, as moderator of this forum, I have concerns about putting other people's email addresses in here without their consent. I would appreciate it if you could edit your pevious messages, and remove Laura's Email address. If people want to contact her, you could either work a PM thing here at SC or have them e-mail you.

Feel free to PM me with questions/etc.

Thanks!!

-=\Eric/=-

scarlet · 06-14-2002, 01:55 PM

Ian

This is a really difficult situation. It sounds like your gf is in some way using her PCOS to hide behind. There are lots of things that can be done for her. She just needs good doctors. However, she has to want to help herself. And I don't think she does because if she did she would go to the url's you have given her. Believe me, when her PCOS becomes unbearable to her (and eventually it will) she will want to seek help. But it's similar to being with an addict Ian in that only she can decide to change and seek help. No amount of coaxing from you will ensure she starts doing something; you can only encourage her.

I think there must be something else going on too. Perhaps she needs to go to counselling or both of you do. I can't be the judge of that. But I agree with DolciLady, she seems to be using PCOS as a crutch. The best thing you can do is read the links Dolci has given and then maybe give her the info. But in order for her to get better she has to WANT to get better.

You sound like a wonderful, supportive, caring bf but unfortunetly you can't make things great for her. All you can do is be there. But please also try and think of yourself a bit. It seems like this relationship could be very damaging to you in the long term.

Look after yourself, Scarlet

taah · 06-15-2002, 06:40 AM

I just wanted to update ... Some of us have recieved email back from Laura and she is looking into more info on PCOS and getting more treatment. She thanks everyone for their support and caring and plans to visit the site.

TERRA

SoulHubby · 06-15-2002, 09:51 PM

Ian-

Having not heard from you in a few days, I took it upon myself to remove the e-mail address from your messages. If someone wants to contact Laura, perhaps have them PM you.

I honestly dont mean to cause controversy here, and I hope it wont. It pains me to edit other peoples posts, but I really feel strongly about this, and believe it's the right thing to do.

Thanks for your understanding, and god bless-

-=\Eric/=-

Lisa67 · 06-15-2002, 10:22 PM

Ian,

I hope that Laura does the research necessary to take care of herself. She is lucky to have someone like you who cares the state, both mentally & physically, that she is in.

Eric -don't worry about a flame war. You are doing a great job as moderator!

As an aside, as a former moderator of the boards myself I think Eric is right about the email thing. Although she has responded to some saying she appreciates the help, it isn't a good idea to put her email out there.JMHO