Prayer

haileymoose · 05-09-2009, 08:00 AM

Hi ladies... I have a story I'd like to share and a prayer request as well. I guess I should start by saying I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic school and attended church when I was younger. I come from a broken home like many other people, but growing up it was really hard. My parents didn't practice or follow our religion, instead they chose to send us to Catholic schools and tell us to follow what we were taught. But being told to do something that isn't being followed in their own lives wasn't a great example.

When I was 13 my dad cheated on my mom and left us, I had to grow up really quick and try to pick up the pieces while holding up a mother with an alcohol addiction. Me and Mike were left to fend for ourselves, my mum not being able to care about anything else then what was at the bottom of the bottle. I wasn't close with many of my other family members and they all chose to sweep my mums problems under the rug. I was constantly told I was "lying" or "it isn't really that bad."

I was angry and so I pushed everyone away and took off. I couldn't take the fighting and the drunken tyraids, so I would run away and jump from house to house. I felt like I was drowning and everyone was on the shore just watching. My dad's parents tried to help but I was too angry, I felt like everyone should take part of the blame. I was young and thought that if I could see it why couldn't the adults who had so much more experience. I wondered why they left me there to suffer through it alone instead of coming to my rescue.

I did alot of things and said alot of things that hurt the people who cared about me, but I was too selfish and I didn't have any forgiveness in my heart. I battled with depression and extreme panic attacks, I took risks and tried different ways to dull the pain. I wanted to find my way back to God but it was hard, I felt like he was so far away from me.I felt like he had turned his back on me and I blamed him for all the bad things that were happening in my life.

Now I'm trying harder to find my way back onto the right path and feel closer to him, to find the faith I lost years ago. I feel so inadequate because I've forgotten all the things I was taught and I've only been able to remember a handful of stories and a couple prayers. It's hard to find faith when I'm overwhelmed with so many other life problems and stresses. I don't want to blame anymore, and I don't want to hurt people out of anger because of things that can't be changed.

I'm plagued by guilt of things that were said in a childish fit. I'm struggling with the fact that I've lost time with people who care about me because it's easier to point the finger and hold onto anger. It's easier to run away from your problems, regardless of how it effects the people around you.

Like I said earlier in this post, one person who has always been there for me is my Dad's father. I remember he would stick up for me when people would say I was a waste and that I didn't care about anyone but myself. He understood I was trying to cope with a situation that was much bigger then myself and would tell me the positive aspects of my character. He had faith in me when I did nothing to warrant such respect.

He moved away to Florida a few years ago with my grandmother and I remember him asking for me to come with them, to start over. I didn't want to leave something familiar to me and at the time I was having a really hard time getting a hold of my anxiety symptoms, so I declined the offer. I can't fly because of my anxiety and my grandmother has never been well physically so it was hard to see them. I've only seen them a handful of times since then and I would only call on occasion because I just never seemed to "have the time."

So now I'm faced with a challenge I'm not sure I'm capable of overcoming. Someone who I have always loved, but very rarely been fair to, is very sick. He started losing motor functions about a month ago and was told he had a brain tumor. They operated and started his first round of chemo, but there were alot of complications. He's been in the Emergency room for over a week and everyday is different. It's up and down and he's suffering a great deal.

If you ladies can find the time, please please please say a prayer for him. I know I don't deserve it, but he does. He loved me without question, he came to my defense when people told him I wasn't worth the time or effort and he tried as best he could for me, while I was selfish and didn't recognize it. I'm consumed with every memory I have of pushing his hand away because I was blinded by hate, a hate for something he had no part in.

I've been praying harder then I've ever prayed before, tonight I did my first rosary ever. I plan to attend church today and tomorrow because I want to live better, to be better. I feel like I've been given more then I can carry and I need help, but I don't feel worthy of His help. If it's God's will to give me more healthy time with my grandfather I will appreciate every moment. But I won't be selfish and ask for him to be bound to this earth if all he will do is suffer.

I'm sorry this was so very long, Im just feel lost and I'm trying to find my way back. Thank you all very much for taking the time to read this and any and all prayers are appreciated from the very bottom of my heart.

MeganR · 05-10-2009, 01:28 PM

I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this. I am praying for you. Feel better and let me know if you ever need to talk.

haileymoose · 05-12-2009, 06:50 PM

Thanks Megan for the support, prayers and taking the time to read all that. About 3 hours after I wrote this post my grandpa passed away... it's been really hard and I'm not really sure what to do or how to feel. Although it was really hard to do, I prayed that if this was going to be it for him on Earth that God take him instead of letting him suffer, and within 20 minutes of doing so he passed on. I have mixed emotions, I'm relieved he didn't have to suffer anymore but I'm crushed by the overwhelming feeling of loss. Thanks again...

smcwhorter901 · 05-15-2009, 01:11 PM

haileymoose - first of all, let me say that I am so sorry for the loss of grandfather. I can't imagine the pain that you feel right now... Know that I am sincerely praying for you.

I know you are grieving now, but I want you to know that there is nothing that you have done or could ever do that would keep God from loving you and restoring you! All He is waiting for is to hear you reach out to Him. It is when you are in spots like the one you are now, when he really longs to comfort you and show his love for you! Irregardless of who has written you off in your family, God is still standing with you... All he has been waiting for is for you to come back to him...

I am praying for your healing and restoration... If you ever need to talk or just need some encouragement, feel free to PM me! May you be blessed and rest fully in God's love!

haileymoose · 05-17-2009, 06:33 PM

sorry for the late reply, things have been pretty hectic around here and its the first time in a few days I've hopped onto the site. Let me start by saying I sincerely appreciate the encouraging words! You don't know how wonderful it was to open up the post and read such a wonderful heartfelt reply- it really made my day! It's been really hard trying to sort through all my emotions and coming to terms with everything that happened.

It just happened so fast I didn't really have time to process it, so I'm still sorting through the mess. I feel comforted by the fact that my prayer was heard and answered, it meant a great deal that such a wonderful man didn't have to suffer anymore. My whole family has worked for the railroad for generations, my grandfather included. (all the men have been engineers) The other night I was sitting on my couch and it was very late and all was silent, so I decided to say my prayers. In my head I had a conversation with God and said all I wanted to say to my grandfather. But at the very end of my prayers I heard a train whistle blow in the distance and I knew I had my sign that Gramp is still listening, just like he always was.

It's so hard and I still feel overwhelmed, but every time I say my prayers or get my little signs I feel like I'm one step closer. I'll continue to push through and seek God's help when I feel like I just can't go any further. I just want to say again thank you so much for the prayers, taking the time to reply and encouraging me to not give up faith, especially when I need it the most. God Bless!