Pregnant ladies on the loss board

GabrielsMom · 03-04-2005, 06:33 PM

I wanted to bring this up because it has come up in several posts lately. Some of the pregnant ladies wondered if we would want them giving us advice here. I wanted to state my personal feelings on the matter and if anyone has any opinions, I hope we can all voice them here.

Personally, I love having the pregnant ladies here to give us advice, since they have gone through losses themselves. It's not the same as reading the Pregnancy Board. In my real life support group, there is at least one pregnant woman who comes to the meeting every time. I don't think anyone has a problem with that. She is a valuable member of the group, especially when others start to think about having another baby. She is still grieving too, and has just as much reason to be there as anyone.

I just wanted to encourage Renee and Kim and pa1nter and any others and thank them for all of their support on this board.

Again, this is my personal opinion on this matter. I think that the only issue would be discussing pregnancies, but everyone here has been sensitive and said "pg mentioned" in the title.

I'm posting a poll so that others may disagree anonymously if they want to. Feel free to disagree non-anonymously too!

*Clarissa* · 03-04-2005, 11:31 PM

April - I think this will be interesting to see if anyone wants us here. I have never really given any thought to it. I usually , depending on the type of post, try to hide my siggy here. I just feel that I am doing that out of respect to you and the others that are going though a fresh loss.

I do come here to try to answer questons about things I have personally been through. Like D&C and a natural m/c. But sometimes, I come here for support too. I am still grieving for my lost children, and struggling through the worries of a new pregnancy. When I do post here now, if I am in the need of support, and I mention my current pregnancy, I do add pg mentioned. Again out of respect.

I have seen a few, very few, pregnancy announcments here, and I even I, who am currently pg, am a little offended by it. When my losses were fresh, the last thing I wanted to see was a preg. announcement. I am sure that you kwim.

Those of you are are pregnant or newly pregnant, I invite you to announce your pregnancy on and join us over on the Pregnancy after a Loss thread on the pregnancy board. Without the support of the ladies there, the worry and unknowing, would have driven me and the others crazy.

And those of you suffering losses, I hope that you want to keep us around. there was many words of wisodom from ladies that were pregnant, during my losses, and without them, I wouldn't have mad it through. (thanks Sheri)

kwannabee · 03-05-2005, 02:27 AM

Thanks April!!! I just wanted to say to Clarissa...you made a really REALLY good point...whats right for one isnt necessarily right for another...you have to do whats right for you. There have a been a few cysters who have inspired me with that kind of strength to keep trying so quickly...i wasnt strong enough but thats me...we're all different like you said. If and when the time is right...somewhere on the ttc thread is the ttc after a loss thread...i find its active at times and then it slows down...but if you can find it...it gives alot of insight i think...even if youre not quite ready to go that far yet...it sure helped me.

And i'll tell why i started thinking about this...not sure where i fit in...for some reason alot of people i know irl are for some reason congratulating me on one hand and then sharing every worst case scenario they ever heard...its emotionally wrenching. So i just wanted to make sure no one was feeling like that because of me...but in an opposite way. does that make sense?

Also...this is slightly off the topic but sort of relevent i think...but my dh is livid (not with me) cuz we just found out my EI is messed up...here i am on another high risk preg and they're saying i didnt have enough insurable hours (since my last preg) to get full coverage...MAKE SURE if you know a future preg is high risk your financial life wont be compromised if you get preg soon after your loss...you just dont need the stress!!

Being preg and losing an income PLUS worrying about how to pay the bills...might not be a problem for you...but if it is...unfortunately it might be another reason to wait before trying again...just thought i'd let you know....but again your priorities and worries are different. Whatever works for you...i wish you all nothing but the best...

SheriKCMO · 03-05-2005, 09:07 AM

I've always felt "We're all in this together" on the Loss board, whether we have ten kids at home or none. It hurts terribly to think of our lost ones, sometimes even worse during a subsequent pregnancy when we are reminded of the hope we felt for the lost little one.

Signatures tell the whole story in most cases, so I've never minded them. Some are so sad, I wince. The ones that include new tickers with new babies on the way make me so happy that my cysters have another chance, I've always appreciated them. I do understand the other point of view, though.

Clarissa,
Thanks for being there for me and everyone, too! I'm thrilled to see how far you've come with your little girl!

AvivaElona · 03-06-2005, 12:18 AM

I know it can be hard to see pregnancy tickers and the like when you have just suffered a loss. However, my signature is my story and Japhet and Isaac are both part of my story, I wouldn't take the line honoring Isaac off a post I posted on the pregnancy board because "knowing babies can die might make some pregnant women uncomfortable", and so I wouldn't take Japhet's name off my signature here because "knowing some babies live might make some uncomfortable." I hope people can understand that they are both my children and I am proud of being mom to both of them.

Having a son to bring home and raise opens up new areas of grief about the baby I lost, and I need to have the support of others who will understand that loss just as someone who is freshly suffering a miscarriage does. I belong here just as much as anyone does, and if anything during my pregnancy with Japhet I needed this area more than I ever did. And even now with my second son home safe in my arms, I need to have a place where I can safely mourn my first.

Aviva

RoxieInPa · 03-06-2005, 12:42 AM

Hello Ladies! Well just my 2 cents here. I for one voted for pg cysters to be here and post w/o them having to "hide" signatures. It brings me hope to see how far my cysters have come. Everyone who has replyed to my posts and are pg. have said nothing but VERY nice and thoughtful things to me. I even go to the pg part of here to "check" on my cysters. I am going to have 100's of question as I have in the past and who better to answer them than cysters who "have been there" and give us hope for the future? Maybe because I am "faced" with my SIL who is almost 22w pg? Does it make me sad or even mad? Yes sometimes. But this is life. Do I wish something bad to SIL or Lexi Lynn (on the way!)? NO >>> NEVER!!!! I had 2 losses. 5~26~04 and 2~14~05 the last is not far b~hind me really. But I do wish all my pg cysters nothing but HEALTHY BABIES!!

kwannabee · 03-06-2005, 02:00 AM

I just wanted to say how PROUD i am to have you ALL as cysters!!! Each and every one of you are totally awesome...no wonder i never went to grief therapy...i had all of you.

Big big hugs to all of you...you're all wonderful...i could not have gotten through this without you...i mean that sincerely!!

:o

saluki_fan · 03-06-2005, 10:36 PM

Personally, I like reading everyone's signature because then I know the story behind the user name better. It gives me hope to see those who have had losses and moved on to have successes. Even after 3 losses, I'm still trying to be positive and hold out hope for a successful 4th pregnancy!

Gnzls924 · 03-06-2005, 11:21 PM

I don't have a problem at all. In fact, I believe they are a wonderful source of comfort. support and encouragement. Especially if you are thinking of trying again.

Sheri and Aviva have been just wonderful.

VivC · 03-07-2005, 07:07 PM

I'm still trying to figure out my marriage, so I don't know if/when I'll be pregnant again. But seeing that others have had successful pregnancies after a loss gives me hope that I can join them someday.

I think that pregnant women in the loss forum (and new moms)are great sources of support for newly pregnant women freaked out at the thought of going through it all again.

As far as pregnancy announcements, I think they're fine here as long as "pregnancy mentioned" is part of the subject. Others might disagree, but I think that newly pregnant women with prior losses might need support from us here as their new pregnancy brings up old emotions. Women on the pregnancy board wouldn't understand those feelings. We see pregnant women IRL, and we see them elsewhere on SC, and it seems silly to me to pretend that they don't exist. And I'm personally THRILLED when I see that a mommy to angels is getting another chance.

I'd hate to end up excluding anyone from our board who's suffered a loss. I see that enough on other sites/boards, and I think we all belong here, regardless of where else we go.

BeetleGirl · 03-07-2005, 08:33 PM

I don't think there is any need to hide their signatures, tickers & such but I do think they should be considerate enough and refrain from posting their pregnancy announcements in the pregnancy loss forum.

VivC · 03-07-2005, 09:46 PM

But I'm curious - now I'd like input from the rest of you. As I said, I'm not bothered by pregnancy announcements. Beetle is. That's fine - agree with whomever you please, please!

Beetle - do you mean that you just don't want someone to come in here and say "Yay, I'm pregnant?" To me, that might be tasteless, but is it okay to ban that from the forum? Or do you mean that you don't want any posts at all about current pregnancies in this forum?

Going back to my post, I'm concerned that cysters with prior losses will have fears/concerns/huge emotions that can't be understood on the regular pregnancy board. Someone without a prior loss wouldn't understand how terrifying cervical checks or U/S are to those of us with prior losses. If someone posted about that, for instance, "Pregnant again and terrified - please help," would that be okay?

Because if that's not okay, then those cysters won't have support through the emotions of a second/third/fourth/whatever pregnancy after a loss.

What do you gals think?

RoxieInPa · 03-07-2005, 11:25 PM

I agree with vivcrayton. I WILL try again even after two losses and I WILL need HELP from others who have been there .. done that. I think (JMO here) as long as pg mentioned is there then whom ever wants to read it can and those who cannot handle it wont read it. And I in NO WAY mean to be litle anyone! We all have feelings and no one wants to hurt others but help ... again JMO.

BeetleGirl · 03-07-2005, 11:41 PM

I never said I was bothered by it.
I just said it was my opinion.
I do however feel that people should consider the pain they felt when they passed a dead fetus or held their dying angel in their arms and during that time would they have wanted to read of others pregnancies and be ecstatic for them...I'm thinking probably not.

We can turn off people's signatures if we don't want to see them but we don't have the option of turning off pregnancy announcements in the coping with pregnancy loss forum.

I don't care if someone here gives birth to a donkey child...just consider the pain that you felt before posting.

*Clarissa* · 03-07-2005, 11:56 PM

I have to agree with Beetlegirl here. Even though I am currently pregnant, I still think of how I felt after a loss, and if I was coming to a board that is devoted to pregnancy loss, which this one is, then I would not want to see a pregnancy announcement. It's just tasteless. I am very happy for those that are pregnant. And I have even come here for advice during this pregnancy. But announcing a pregnancy here . . . It's just not the right place. I am sorry if I hurt anyone by saying that. But when I was going through my losses, I came here for a reason. It was like my refuge. I was with others going through the same time.

I also want to point out on the bahalf of myself and the other pregnant ladies. And I haven't seen anyone mention this. It just came to my mind that someone might think about it. Anyway to my point. Just because we are pregnant again. And we are very thankful to be. Doesn't mean that we have forgotten our angels, or that losing them and having lost them is any easier.

While we may have had time betweem our losses and now, and are able to offer advice doesn't mean that we do not need advice from time to time. And support. Even now, pregnant, I still think about daily and cry VERY often for Alex and Sydney. The pain doesn't go away with a new pregnancy. It is something that we will have to live with for the rest of our lives. And pregnant or not, we need support too. Hopefully one day we will be able to move on, but a new pregnancy is not a cure for the pain. I know that those of you that have suffered several losses will kwim.

My main point is, that I don't think that anyone should be banned from here. We all need emotional support from time to time. I don't think that the pregnancy announcements were the main issue in this post, and I hate to see it take over. But I think with some common sense, that most wouldn't post an announcment here anyway.

I would like to know the results about the siggy though. I often wonder if I should remove mine or not. I do not want to hurt anyone.