pressure 2 work...no fun with PCOS

Rasburry · 09-05-2004, 11:00 AM

This is my first rant. I can't talk to anybody else about it right now bc most friends/family have no idea what it is like to have PCOS.

My husband let me have it in the van yesterday. He's Navy and works a part time job but hasn't been getting any hours lately (at pt job). I'm in the process of getting certified to do a home day care (thru the Navy) so that I can work at home and make some money. I started this process in June and hoped to have all of my certifications, etc, ready so that I could open the doors to my business in September. Well, I'm not finished with the process yet and he got on me about going and finding a job immediately. I know that we need money but I feel like he has no patience.

I've only recently been diagnosed with PCOS, but I've had it for a long time. It's been routine for me (for years) to feel unwell, fatigued, moody and just generally wacky at times. I have 4 children, a dog that had puppies a month ago (6 of them) and a 4 bedroom house to maintain. As mentioned, he's Navy. He's the bread winner. He's the one with the career. I'm the mother, wife, homemaker. I have limited schooling once I graduated from high school, we got married immediately after graduation and he went into the Navy. We're high school sweethearts, so we've been together since forever.

My point is, we made the choices. He went into Navy. I stayed home with kids. Now he makes me feel like we never discussed me staying home and that I need to go out and find whatever sh*t job I can find. I have worked over the years. It starts out great and then my house starts getting neglected, the kids suffer, he suffers, I suffer.... Add to that a full schedule with the kids (sports, activities, etc) and I'm just a run down mess.

It makes me feel awful when I hear him say, "other couples do it!"...referring to our friends/co-workers where both spouses work. I ripped him a new one yesterday in the van, explaining that not everyone has PCOS and feels like crap 4 out of 5 days!!! My medicine (metformin) has just started to work after 3 months and he expects me to be immediately back to 100%!!! It doesn't work that way. I have chronic fatigue all the time, i get worn out, i feel sick......I don't use the PCOS as an excuse. It's just that I finally KNOW what's wrong with me, and I'm trying to get a handle on it and now I have all this pressure from my husband to get a 9 to 5 and start making money. I have worked before. I have gone to school. Each time I start something I end up stopping bc I get rundown so easily.

He said, "you're hurting the family by not working". I realize we need money, but here is my other issue with this. Since he is the one with the military career, everyone in my household has to bend around him. I don't mean to imply that he doesn't have pressure to privide for his family, but I feel like he has the "luxury" of just having to worry about his career and focus on advancing. For me to get a job, I have to take a trillion things into account. If one of the kids gets sick, I have to leave work. My schedule is completely around the kids schedule. And then I have the full time job of the house/rearing kids/cooking, etc. Add to the fact that I'm only making minimum wage (bc of my decision to stay at home and be a mother and didn't go to college), have PCOS & a full schedule outside of trying to work, and you quickly get the picture that it just sucks! How can a woman with depression deal with all of this? It makes me feel hopeless.

I'm just going to try to concentrate on the home day care (focusing on before and after school child care). He really made me feel low yesterday in the van, like I'm not doing anything for my family. He's so negative about everything. I hate to feel like I haven't contributed anything to my family (financially) and that my sacrificies have meant nothing.

Have any of you tried to pursue PCOS as a disability? He asked me about this yesterday, in frustration. He said, "well if you feel like you can't do anything then maybe you should try to get disability or something!!". It made me think. I know that people have received disability for depression. I'll check into it. If any of you cysters have thought about this or have knowledge about it, please feel free to share.

Thank you for reading if you've made it this far. I'm praying that someone has had a similiar situation to mine or can relate on some level. How frustrating the whole matter is!!!!! Please tell me that I'm not alone because I feel like I'm going crazy. I would love to take a vacation, but wait, that's right, no money!

Smurfie · 09-06-2004, 12:16 AM

Razz....I feel your pain to some degree. I have actually had PCOS for about 7 and 1/2 years and I have been working a full time job for 10 years with 3 of them in management.

I have and 8 yo DS and a husband that has no driver's liscense....so I have to take him to work, get to work and pick him up everyday. He works almost every weekend too...and I don't!!! SO on my days off I have to wake up very early, drive him 20 minutes to work (half asleep) with DS in the back seat (half asleep) and go home, turn around and pick him up later!! Not to mention all the other running around we have to do...and I LOATHE driving...wonder why huh...lol! I take care of the house and my family...and I am the bread winner, but not by much. It's alot of pressure.

I don't know how you could possibly take care of 4 children and your home and work??!!!!

Would your earnings even cover the daycare costs (if you would have any)?

I would def. persue your at home daycare....you're almost there for Pete's sake! Tell DH to chill and keep his comments to himself...IMO of course.

Good luck!

hopeless · 09-06-2004, 04:59 AM

Hey...

I think it's important that you talk to your husband. If he thinks that you're not making a contribution, then that needs to be straightened out. You being at home is a HUGE contribution.

If you do decide to get a part time job, then your husband also needs to understand that he will need to start doing more housework. If your kids are old enough, then they may have to pitch in more also.

I think that starting up a daycare sounds like a great way for you to still be at home, but also contribute financially to the household.

tafranklin · 09-08-2004, 06:01 AM

Wow all I can say is WOW!!!

When I read your post, EVERYTHING, I mean, EVERTHING, is just what I am going threw!! The only thing that is different in my situation is the my husband isnt in the Navy. I am even trying to get my home daycare licence too!!!

You should email me and we could chat sometime.
My email is tafranklin@adelphia.net

Rasburry · 09-08-2004, 10:43 AM

Cysters, you are the best. Thank you for your comments/suggestions. The pressure is really on now that the kids returned to school and I was so depressed all yesterday over this situation. Anyone who's ever been depressed knows how paralyzing it can be. I didn't do much of anything yesterday except get the kids ready and off to school (which is an entirely different story...not my smoothest back to school day ever).

I'm trying to take some time for myself and I'm looking into the different possibilities. I sell Pampered Chef and have some success with this, but it's not enough money right now to make my husband feel like it's a legit. contribution. I average about $100 per show, which is great if I can keep the shows booked.

I'll keep the faith. thanks again!

hopeless · 09-08-2004, 08:13 PM

One day at a time....if that seems like too much, then one hour at a time.

When I'm upset about something I try to remember that I am not defined by the issue, it is *only* my life situation. Sure that doesn't make everything fantastic, but it reminds me that it's temporary and that I'm still a great person. I still have a great soul, and that's the most important thing.

ERICKA77 · 09-14-2004, 01:00 PM

Have you seen the commercial where the husband comes home from work, walks through the front yard with toys and all kinds of stuff spread around. Passes the car with the doors open. Stuff in the car to be unloaded. Walks to the front door with the door open. A trail of toys, stuff just everywhere. Kids, dogs, running around. Kitchen a mess, house a mess. Groceries to be put up. Total chaos. Goes to the bedroom and finds mom in bed, because she decided to TAKE THE DAY OFF!!!!!..........
That commercial cracks me up, because without mom, life is chaos. And, to be expected to find a real job, what would happen with the house..........

Rasburry · 09-14-2004, 01:49 PM

Thank you! That is my point exactly! I know how much time i dedicate to the house, kids, meal planning, etc. Working 9 to 5 will crush that. Kudo's to the women who can have her cake and eat it too, but I find it damn near impossible.

jlucy · 09-26-2004, 01:16 AM

If you have 4 kids you are working harder than most people. I stayed home today with my boyfriends five year old son and I swear I wanted to slap him he made me so mad. I would never hurt him and he's cute as can be, but I had a five year old tell me, "Next time you better listen to me!!!" when I didn't hear him because I was working at the computer TELLING me to get him a damn napkin! Okay, sorry to intrude with my own little rant there, but my point is that kids are NOT easy to take care of. If I had to work the job I have and care for even one or two kids full time instead of just being the girlfriend of this little boy's father and basically only having to be responsible for his care when his daddy is away I think I'd just flip. I understand the money thing, but there is only so much a person can do. You might feel better having some time away if you find a job you truly like, but if you have a job you don't like your life will be hell. Also having health problems doesn't help either. I hope it all works out soon for you.