Pretending

Ms_Peaches_01 · 07-27-2004, 04:10 PM

Does anyone find themselves pretending not to be depressed to avoid being chastized? There are certain people that I feel I have to put on a happy face around, even when I'm massively depressed, to avoid their criticism and character attacks. "Why don't you just stap out of it! Why don't you get quit feeling sorry for yourself!"

I'm not pretending anymore. I'm not judging my feelings, just accepting and acknowledging them.

KlassicalKat · 07-27-2004, 08:14 PM

I know what you mean. The key is that you have to "pick your audience". Someone told me that once years ago and it has been very helpful to me.

We all learn through experience who will be supportive and who won't. I have learned (the hard way, through trial and error) that some people understand and are helpful. These usually are people who have suffered depression themselves. They understand that at times we just need a listening ear; all we need is an acknowledgement of our feelings, not a judgement of them. Then a little reassurance that things will get better with time and that they will be there if we need them.

Others just can't handle talking about anything "heavy" or have never experienced depression (perhaps they are afraid of it as it is unknown to them; many people fear the unknown) and they will avoid the subject or say something ignorant that hurts. This may be said unintentionally, but it still hurts.

I had a friend that I opened up to once and she actually looked alarmed and then mocked me by doing some loud, obnoxious "pretend crying", saying, "Oh boo hoo hoo! Look at me! I'm depressed!" This shocked me and made me angry. I did yell at her saying, "Don't you think that's rude? I am telling you my true feelings here and you are sitting there mocking them! I wouldn't do that to YOU!" She just sat there and stared. She just didn't get it. I don't think she ever will.

Needless to say I never confided in her again! I don't get together with her as often as I used to and when I do I just hide my feelings and "put on a happy face" around her and I hate doing that, but I find it better to save my true feelings for friends that understand and don't ridicule me.

So, I am afraid that in this world, you have to pick your audience.

((((((((hugs))))))))) to you!

Kathryn

*pEaNuT* · 07-27-2004, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ms_Peaches_01
Does anyone find themselves pretending not to be depressed to avoid being chastized? There are certain people that I feel I have to put on a happy face around, even when I'm massively depressed, to avoid their criticism and character attacks. "Why don't you just stap out of it! Why don't you get quit feeling sorry for yourself!"

I'm not pretending anymore. I'm not judging my feelings, just accepting and acknowledging them.

I know exactly what you mean,, my Best Friend told me I was too far gone (depression), and that it was affecting her health,,, so she doesn't want to be my friend anymore,,,, after 20 some yrs of being friends,,,,, I always thought that having a best friend meant sharing everything with them. Depression is the worst thing that someone can go through,,, and sometimes its so hard to hide it. (((((HUGS)))))) Why do people have to make your illnesses into their own! Maybe they should take their own advise!!!

Smurfie · 07-27-2004, 08:40 PM

Pretending not to be depressed...I do it everyday. Though I am not on meds, I probably should be. I'm the loud one in the group...always trying to make others laugh, loosen up, and feel more comfortable. I am actaully crying inside, fuming with RAGE, praying that God will get me through another day.

I feel so fake sometimes...but I really do enjoy laughing and hamming it up. I guess I've got two different sides to me...but doesn't everyone? I don't know any other way to be, I've been this way for so long. I can't acknowlegde my feelings because I would seriously end up...I don't know. I don't even want to think about it.

I do have a very supportive family that I surround myself with

. Though I really only trust in my sister...but she's all I need. God and my sister....

Ms_Peaches_01 · 07-27-2004, 11:36 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by KlassicalKat
I had a friend that I opened up to once and she actually looked alarmed and then mocked me by doing some loud, obnoxious "pretend crying", saying, "Oh boo hoo hoo! Look at me! I'm depressed!" This shocked me and made me angry. I did yell at her saying, "Don't you think that's rude? I am telling you my true feelings here and you are sitting there mocking them! I wouldn't do that to YOU!" She just sat there and stared. She just didn't get it. I don't think she ever will.

OMG.. that is so obnoxious! (((HUGS))) I am so sorry that happened to you! I've learned that sometimes it takes a crisis to find out who your real friends are. Your real friends are people who will love you unconditionally.. PCOS, depression, hirtuism, type II, IR, infertility and all. I am so glad that you kicked her to the curb.

prunepie · 07-28-2004, 01:12 AM

i think there is a fine line between sharing and dumping on someone.

hell.......... i have SEVERE anxiety problems sometimes and well..... until some very close loved ones told me in detail how many times i would complain or freak out or talk obsessively about panic or etc...i did not truly realize how i driving some people away. its just too much.

instead of just saying..i am panicky and ooh check my pulse ok???

i would do it over and over..but i ..in my mind would think well 10 minutes have gone by i must check in or i will explode.

its sooo hard when you feel so bad not to talk about it all the time.

with my anxiety and pcos and hypothyroidism... i could probably find something wrong every hour of every day.

i had a freind who was severely depressed once. for abotu 2 yrs straight. he woudl call twice a week and cry and vent..but he never ever ever did anything about it. wouldnt go to the doctor..wouldnt move away from a town he hated. he just talked. after a while .... i couldnt give advice anymore bc i was never taken..yet i COULD NOT stay on the phone with someone for 2 hours twice a week with nothing and i mean nothing positive to say. i felt horrible about not being his friend anymore..but I COULDNT TAKE IT ANYMORE. i couldnt help. and i didnt wantto feel co dependant anymore.

ughs its sooo hard. i have been on BOTH sides. since i have..i "try" to remember that most people and aquantainces just dont give a damn truly. so i dont share. even best friends...... they ahve their own crap to deal with. best friends and lovers SHOULD imo be there in a time of need..crisis... depression etc.
but i think to myself for example..if i had a friend who was an alcoholic for example who would not seek help..at some point for my health i would have to cut contact. if on teh other hand they sought help..but were going through depression ..i would be cool with that.

i think that if you are making efforts via either therapy or medication , group talk ...etc...then woohooooo i am totally supporting you!!! but there are some people who truly do just love their own misery.

hey we all have to fake it to a point....or we wouldnt have jobs etc. crap..i do hair and some people sit in my chair and complain about stuff that to me...is piddly but to them is horrible. i want to scream sometimes!!!!!

hey what is a thorn to one person is like a limb cut off to someone else.

i dont know why i am saying all this...but i guess its bc i see both sides.

like friendship goes both ways..sometimes if my panic is acting up... i cant be there for other people...and that must be really hard for them.

kinda like the alcoholic example..i know we have all known a friend who complained constantly about her boyfriend/hubby..for years and years...yet would not leave , right?? well honestly..dont we kinda tune them out after a while..especially if they dont get help for themselves or the relationship???

i dunno..i am just trying to learn to keep the ""small depressions"to myself so that when i really need someone i havent burned them out.

it sucks. it does and its soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard.

i am sorry for all of you with depression or anxiety... please love yourself enough to get whatever help you need. hey thats why we hire therapists..bc even the best of friends cant listen all the time lol

xoxox jenn

Ms_Peaches_01 · 07-28-2004, 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by prunepie
[b]i think there is a fine line between sharing and dumping on someone.

I don't think we're talking about people who just call other people to blab incessantly about their personal problems. There's a difference between that and being in a state of depression. Depressed people tend to isolate and avoid talking about things to mask their condition. The people that they're hiding from are those who are constantly trying to cheer them up, which usually doesn't work with people who are depressed.

Angie32 · 07-30-2004, 10:33 AM

I read this post and thought this is me.I have been struggling with depression for almost 10yrs ever since having my daughter.I always have to be on meds because my doctor is thinking it is more a chemical in-balance.IT gets really bad if I have to start a new drug or need help with the one I am on.

Anyway the last few weeks have been awful.I have been really down and struggling just to make it to work.Once I hit the doors of work my happy face comes on and there is nothing wrong.I have perfected this since i have dealt with it for so many years.It is hard to do it around my husband tho since he knows me so well and has been thru so much with me.I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Angie

Smurfie · 07-30-2004, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Angie32
.I have been really down and struggling just to make it to work.Once I hit the doors of work my happy face comes on and there is nothing wrong.I have perfected this since i have dealt with it for so many years.It is hard to do it around my husband tho since he knows me so well and has been thru so much with me.I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
Angie

I hear you Angie!

I also leave the attitude, depression etc. at the door and put my happy face on... I mean I have too!! I've been at the same place for almost 10 years and in management for 4 years...my company EXPECTS me to set the example. Sometimes I just want to SCREAM at work...but I know I can't. I value my job, I need it. But my job does make me happy for the most part. I have alot of fun with my co-workers. I'm sooo busy, I don't have time to be depressed. But on my way back out the door...I turn back to normal. It sucks!!!

soulfulqween · 08-02-2004, 08:05 PM

OK SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT....these people were supposed to be your friends that made you feel so bad?!...and all of you have the right to be sad....i get that way sometimes too....i guess i do a good job of hiding it too, but i know that i have this syndrome and that i have to make my life work around it no matter what...its hard, things arent easy and u have a mouth and a mind and u have the right to be miserable when you want to be...there is too much to be stressed about to have to be stressed about being stressed...that is BULL....most importantly friends that cease to be friends never were friends to begin with...when i do pick my audiences i am careful...some people dont know how to be compassionate either ( as i rant and ramble about ppl...lol ) let me try to organize my thoughts a bit here...i guess i feel bad because i know as u all do exactly what this pcos thing is about and it is hard when people dont understand and dont try to understand...pisses me off...and if u cant complain to your friends who can youcomplain to...were can u go...o look we are all here!