question for the guys

shenacat · 05-26-2002, 02:24 AM

My DH tries really hard to understand what I'm going through but he hasn't been really sick a day in his life. He gets the sniffles when other people are coughing up blood. How can I make him understand that the illnesses I have (pcos, hypo, etc) really do impact my quality of life greatly?

Also he seems to think that I can get "better" without any medication or doctors at all (don't ask me what he thinks I should be doing). He tells me my thyroid pills are a "habit" and that it's only convincing my thyroid to be lazy to take these pills. He also flat out said to my reproductive endocrinologist that he thought we just hadn't been "trying" to conceive long enough yet and that it will "happen" sooner or later. She shook her head and said well if I'm not ovulating, it doesn't matter how much time we give it... but he still didn't get it.

So what's the cure for this? Me getting so ill I almost die in front of him? Years that pass without us getting PG before he'll understand it's not all about time?

Any suggestions? It would be good to get a male perspective.

mrbeavs · 05-27-2002, 01:05 PM

Hello

This is my first post on here. My wife forced me under great duress to register on here and voice my opinion!!

This site is not just a great forum for women with PCOS to share information and support but it also helps those of us who have to stand by and watch you go through all the struggles that are associated with PCOS and helps us help and support you. Has your husband been on this site before?

Before I met my wife Eloise, I had never even heard of PCOS and had the usual preconceptions about weight loss etc, not that that stopped me from falling in love with my wife! So I can understand where your husband is coming from. It sounds to me like your husband might be getting bad advice from someone else, maybe a best friend or family member who doesn't know very much about PCOS. When my wife told me about PCOS I read a book about it and she would read off lots of different articles from this site which helped me to understand better what PCOS is all about.

I was a bit worried when Eloise told me she wanted to go on Metformin (i'm not a big fan of drugs, I don't even take aspirin) but when I read more about it and went in with her to see the GP (doc) last week I realised it was the best thing.

If your husband wants to talk, i'd be happy to hear from him, my email is mrbeavs@aol.com. Good luck to you both.

Rhoadie · 05-28-2002, 09:32 AM

Well,
There is a book titled “PCOS: The Hidden Epidemic” by Dr Thatcher. DW was dx in 1997. I knew what she had but had no understanding.

I read the book and it really opened my eyes to what this is. Some of it is dry reading but the book is no nonsense, honest approach to understanding PCOS. The author will start with a “normal” female and then move to PCOS and what it can do. Anyone looking to understand PCOS, I strongly recommend this book. It has no answers, but it has knowledge.

I know most men do not want to understand PCOS. It’s a female thing. The real truth is PCOS also affects the Significant Others in a Cyster’s life. If a guy wants to support the Cyster, they need become educated.

Just my $.02

SoulHubby · 05-28-2002, 01:28 PM

Well, all I can suggest is get him on here... maybe we can talk with him on here. I'll chat w/ him if he'd like.

Good luck, hope it works out for ya!

-e

shenacat · 05-30-2002, 06:21 PM

Thanks guys. I have books, the Sam Thatcher one etc and lots of articles. My DH isn't interested he said in the state of my ovaries or how they work, he just wants to hear "good" "bad" or whatever, LOL. I'm not sure if he'd come here to this forum. I'm pretty sure I'd have to twist his arm. I'll try.

KatCarney · 05-30-2002, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by shenacat
.... I'm pretty sure I'd have to twist his arm.

Twist it (gently)

Kat

SoulHubby · 06-03-2002, 03:00 PM

not to be too crazy here. but I read Kats reply before re-reading upper posts, and took it a bit out of context. Thanks for the laugh!

GH056 · 06-08-2002, 08:16 PM

Personally i think your husband sounds like kind of an ass! I'm not sure if im allowed to say that or not but i did anyway. I think he should read this as well. My wife has had PCOS for about 3 and a half years that we have known. She gave birth to both of our lovely kids and it really pisses me off the way some of these (supposed DH's) treat their friggin wives! I stand behind my wife no matter what she does and thats the way it should be. I could not imagine having to deal with all of the crap that she and all of you other PCOS sufferers have to. I feel blessed to have her in my life and that's the way it should be and if there are any other husbands out there who think different I say screw em because with all the support you people have around here you don't need to deal with that crap. Just so you people know this is the first post I've made on this site and if you (so callled DH's) don't start acting like DH's then it won't be the last. For all you real DH's out there god bless you and i hope your wives hold you tight each night and tell you they love you just like you should. Please feel free to respond to this.

tnade · 09-18-2002, 07:18 AM

GHO56-

While your opinions are appreciated and valued I am a bit offended by the way it was presented. There seems to be a harshness and anger that may want to be dropped. I may be the only one who feels this way and if I am, then thank you for respectively hearing my thoughts and letting it roll.

Good luck and thank you for being a supportive husband, GHO56.

AmericanWoman · 09-26-2002, 01:30 AM

GH056,

I hope I meet a man someday who thinks like you do. What a blessing your dw has in her life, a man who validates her instead of ripping her down.

Yes, her dh is not acting...um...correctly, but we got to think of things to say to Shena that will uplift her and help her out in her situation (situation being unsupported husband living in dreay life of denial).

Denial is a powerful thing...it is how some people cope. Shena...your dh will not come out of denial until he is good and ready. Praying for him is more helpful than ragging on him (which mind you I have a piece of my mind I would like to give him...but not helpful to you if I did).

Understand we VALIDATE you in here. WE KNOW you are taking good care of your body. WE KNOW that he is acting immature. Try though to think of times in your life when you were in denial and even arguing about things when facts were presented to show the contrary.

Usually behind that is a lot of fear. He has got some fear about you maybe leaving him? Maybe NEVER having kids? I dunno...maybe even about your health? Who knows.

Remember to walk in the truth...call a spade a spae...but try a little gentleness with your words. Remember the old adgage..."You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar".

You married your dh for a reason. Try to remember why.

And pray for him and yourself. Only God changes hearts and gives wisdom to INFLUENCE change in heart.

A sweet word too can soften wrath, as it says in Proverbs, in the Good Book.

Blessings.

Dresden · 09-27-2002, 06:57 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by shenacat
Thanks guys. I have books, the Sam Thatcher one etc and lots of articles. My DH isn't interested he said in the state of my ovaries or how they work, he just wants to hear "good" "bad" or whatever

The greatest weapon against ignorance is information...But what about those who refuse to be educated?

If he won't take the time to read about what's going on in you life then the only suggestion I can make is for you to try your best to get him on here. Maybe us guys can open his eyes to what PCOS is all about. When you first hear about it you really don't know what it is or what to think. However, when you learn about it you start to realize that it really isn't the end of the world. There's always hope.

Take care...
Mike

Jewel · 09-29-2002, 06:54 AM

Catherine -

Hi, Just a thought, Some times it doesn't really matter if the people in your life get it or not. Some times it is just a matter of moving on without them. NO! - I'm not saying to leave him, Lord knows I WOULD NEVER SUGGEST THAT! I'm saying other than the SA he really is sort of out of it when it comes to infertility testing and all of the blood test that you need.Now if you need to take the step to AI, then that would be an entirely different matter. If you are only doing clomid or something similar - go it alone. I'm sure you can talk DH into baby dancing when the time is right.

I understand your husband having the attitude he has though. My dad is the exact same way. Lord knows that if my mom had infertility problems neither me or my brothers would be here now!

Some people have different degrees of comfort with the infertility business and you have to respect that. No matter what, the quest for a biological child can only go as far as BOTH partners are willing to go. I hope that you and your DH can come to a mutual agreement about treatment for PCOS and infertility.
Julia

reidlos_daedun · 09-29-2002, 10:11 AM

Shenacat......It is in my opinion that your dh should show more respect to you......you should sit down again with him and maybe have a talk and try to get him to understand........I have no idea what religion you are but God says that a man should respect his wife, and care for her, and love her........every man should take the time and think about everything each day......I.E: how is my wife today, is she sick.......How could someone not care enough for his wife or girlfriend enough to find out whats wrong with her......I hope he understands and will listen......i will also say a prayer for everything to work out.....just sit down and talk with him.....maybe he is just busy with work and it may just accidently went in one ear and out the other.....I know that was me when I was in school, work work work......I pray that every thing works out.

jojo24 · 10-26-2002, 10:41 AM

Hi all, I~Luv~jojo24 here

I am having trouble loggin in with my name so I will be using JoJo's until I can fix it!

Hi sheencat,

I can relate to what your DH is about. I am much the same in the fact that I very Rarely get sick, wich can be make it very hard for me to understand why my dw/df can be so ill.

have only recently I guess started to realise that she does need my support, and that somethings don't just 'take time'

We have been up to the doctors countless times to understand the help that different 'drugs' can offer to the condition, and slowly but surely I am starting to understand what PCOS really is all about.

his can be so frustrating for the dw/df(trust me i know!!)as she could explain all she likes and it just was not geeting through , but now it has finally stated to sink in and I realise that I need to support her in every way possible.

Hope this helps and probably some other guys can relate also

all the best

I~luv~jojo24xxxxxxxxxx

CysterChrista · 10-30-2002, 12:39 PM

This is a toughie, Shenacat! My DH is a wonderful and loving man. He tries to be supportive, and for the most part he's really good at it. I do wish he'd do some research of his own, and get involved in this forum, though. I have to remember, to each his own, however. He doesn't have PCOS, so I can't really expect him to get involved in it more than it affects him. If he has a question, he asks me. Usually I know the answer. If I don't, I'm intrigued and I end up doing the research anyway. He is good at trying to keep me on diet, I have to say, and that's much appreciated, especially during Chocolate Time, if you get my meaning.

The point is, your DH may never take an interest is PCOS. Yes, I believe that every spouse should take an interest in the interests of his/her partner, but not every marriage is built that way. Is there something that your DH devotes as much time to as you devote to PCOS? Do you take an active interest in that?

I know for me, PCOS has become a hobby of sorts. It may not be the most fun thing in the world, but it's satisfying and it's what I do with my free time, so if that's not a hobby, I don't know what is. My Dh is really into Role-playing games. He'd love it if I would just pick up one of his books and start reading. It's not my thing though. I get involved as much as I can. We do game together every week, and I've gotten involved in a card game I really like, but I can't get involved to the extent that he's involved. So I can't really expect him to get involved in PCOS to the extent that I am. Follow?

Also, we all have to take into consideration that we all view the world differently. I know that couples are supposed to be on the same page all the time, and that non-couples tend to treat us couples as if we really do share a brain, but it's just not the case. It seems that you and your DH have a fundamental difference of opinion when it comes to healthcare. You seem to be the medicating type, and he's not. This is something that I've experienced with people in my life. I tell them about PCOs and they say, "What can you take for that?"

I prefer to go a more natural route, personally. I know my PCOS is caused by hormone imbalances and I want to know where those imbalances come from. I don't want to just take a pill. To me that's not getting better. That's treating symptoms, and that's just not how I'm built. I'm a treat the illness, not the symptoms kind of person. Maybe your DH is the same way, and he's just not communicating that effectively.

Sometimes it just all comes down to how you define a word. To you "treatment" may mean the medications you can take to make the symptoms go away, or to get pregnant. To your DH "treatment" may mean finding out where the PCOS starts and figuring out lifestyle changes you can make (even that you can make together) that will cure the problem naturally. Who knows?

Whoever that was who suggested sitting down and talking it out gave you some good advice, I think. I find that the most gentle way to do that is to talk about yourself, and yourself only. Any talk of DH's thoughts and behaviors that comes from you can very easily be viewed as an accusation. It's really hard to do, but what it all boils down to is, you can only change yourself. The only choice you have about someone else's problems or short-comings as you see them, is whether or not you can live with them, because they may never change.

Good luck to you!
Christa