Question for mommies who have finished the adoption process

CherryPopTart · 06-12-2003, 01:28 PM

DH and I are enthusiastically looking forward to starting the adoption process at the end of this month. We plan on bringing home two baby boys from Russia, and we are sooo excited and ecstatic about it!!!

But lately I've been wondering about how adoption affects one's feelings towards their infertility. I thought the best way to find out would be to ask those of you who went through infertility and ended up building your family through adoption.

My question exactly is this: Do you still feel that ache...that twinge of sadness when you see a pregnant lady? Not that you regret your adoption or don't love your baby.....but do you ever still feel a tiny bit of sadness? Does the grief ever go away?? I know that once I have my two boys, the thought of trading them in in exchange for my fertility would be absolutely absurd!! I know without a doubt that this is the path God has chosen for us....and this is how we are meant to become parents.....I will love them soooooo much and they will be my true children....so I have no worries about that. But I do wonder if I'll ever truly be at peace about not being able to feel life inside of me.

Anyway, hope my question is clear.

Thanks to all who answer....and congrats on your bundles of joy!!

Therese

JenJen78 · 06-12-2003, 11:36 PM

Therese,
Congratulations on your decision to adopt 2 boys from Russia. We 've had our little Zach home for about a month now, (from Guatemala) and he is just such a joy to have. DH and I are not able to have children, and have been through some infertility treatment (very minor stuff though). At first, I would see PG ladies and wish I could be PG, but as our adoption moved forward, it seemed to change my wishes. I quite noticing the PG women so much, and noticed the mothers more (with little children). I then would wish I had my son home with me.

Now that Zach is home, I don't really think alot about being PG. The most important thing to me was to have a family and even though I've never had that baby growing inside of me, (physically), Zach grew closer to my heart instead.

Like you say, I'd never trade him for anything. If God were to tell me that I could have a Bio child if I gave up Zach, I'd say no way!!! Zach is my child, and bio vs. adopted has nothing to do with it anymore.

Well, this is just my opinion of everything. Hope this helps.

Lisa67 · 06-13-2003, 02:31 AM

Jen touched on something that I totally agree with & I wanted to share with you...

Quote:

Zach grew closer to my heart instead

We belong to an online group of parents who are also adopting from China and their dossiers were sent the same month as ours. We are having pins made up so that we can look for each other in China. We will also wear the pins to let the world know we are expecting, since our bellies aren't showing!!

The pins are going to say "Born in My Heart" and they will have the Chinese symbol for 'family'. I can hardly wait till my order comes in--I'm about to bust just thinking about it!!

I just think that thought is so beautiful & so very true!!

Hugs to you both!

Lisa75 · 06-13-2003, 04:11 AM

I can say for "me" now when I see someone that is pregnant it doesn't bother me. I think I may question what that might feel like ya know, (being pregnant) but I know what it feels like to hold my baby for the first time and that's a wonderful feeling to. Before Destiny it bothered me very badly. But I desired to be a mother so badly that it was killing me inside. I just wanted a baby. I still want to TTC on down the line, but if I don't that's okay. I love Destiny and I wouldn't trade her for anything on earth. She's my little sweetheart. Things have became much more easier for me. My life is complete. God gave me the desires of my heart. I don't feel that ache that I used to. I don't feel that "why not me" feeling. Because I came to realize that I was put here for a reason and that reason was to be Destiny's Mommy. I don't know all the answers but I do know this, I'm a mommy now, and I may not of gotten her by her growing in my tummy, but she grew even stronger in my heart

......So it's nothing like it was before to "me."

cbeldner · 06-14-2003, 02:42 PM

I've heard many different ways people have gone through the transition of infertility struggles to the final adoption day. One friend said when she picked up her son she did grieve for loss of never feeling pregnant. However I was the exact opposite. We did not try infertility treatments for very long because it was not looking good for us medically and it really did not feel =r. And the bottom line for us was to expand our family not our genetics. So we jumped into adoption within 5 months of my infertility diagnosis. It was hard when other women got pregnant around me during the process. But as we got closer I was just ready to hold my baby. All that vanished when I walked into the room and my son was laying there waiting for me to grab him up.

I'm so thankful God blessed us with the ability to have children and I'm so thankful that He showed us the means to do it.

dms · 06-17-2003, 03:40 PM

First of all, congratulations on your decision to adopt!

The pain I had because of my infertility is completely gone now that I have my daughter (through adoption). We have had her for a year and have had the best time ever. The yearning to be a mom was over the minute I held Erin in my arms. It is such a relief to not think of the infertility any more! I can't explain how wonderful it is to not have that nagging feeling every second of the day. Also, we are saving a ton of money by not buying pregnancy tests every week! (ha-ha)

Also, when you have your two boys home with you, you will be too BUSY to think of infertility!

In all honesty, sometimes when I watch The Baby Story, I do get a little twinge of regret. I would like to know what it is like to feel a baby inside of me. But, I have learned to accept that it is not going to happen and I am all right with that. Erin makes me so happy and being the one she turns to when she needs something makes me so proud.

Good luck to you! Feel free to ask any other questions throughout your adoption process.

Dawn

dna · 06-17-2003, 05:20 PM

Therese

Congrats !! What a relief when we made our decision...it felt like the weight was lifted off our shoulders and we could breathe again... We have an extreemly supportive family also friends and our decision to adopt seemed to come naturally. Now we have him home and running after a tot has taken all thoughts of being preggo, I have heard since we have been back of a few people being newly preggo and I think I am more happier for these people now. Maybe its becuz I am a MOM now and thats all I have ever wanted

Good luck to you on your journey and keep us updated !

Amy

lilac · 06-18-2003, 10:36 PM

I remember the feelings I had ttc. The horrible dispair and longing to have a baby and I wanted desperately to know what it was like to "feel" pregnant. That all changed the second I held my daughter for the first time. We adopted her 2 1/2 years ago and have never looked back. In fact, I would like to adopt again sometime soon. I remember telling my mom, who was always at my house helping me out when Jessi was a newborn, that I was actually very happy that I had NOT gone through labor because I was 100% ready to take care of my baby. No stitches to heal, no recooperation time needed for me.... bring on the mid night feedings!

My sister, who also has PCOS and just recently became pregnant on her own, (yippy!) recently told me something that also reassured me. She told me that I was LUCKY! Years ago I would have gotten quite upset over a comment liek that from anyone. She said that it is not all it is cracked up to be and that she is always tired and now has to give herself insulin shots due to gestational diabetes. My sister is blessed to have gotten pregnant, that will be over in 5 more months, what really matters is sharing our lives with our children!!! Something we BOTH have the opportunity to do. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. I wish I hadn't sat there sulking so much and wasting myself in my pity party. I was really becoming too sad and wasted a lot of precious time feeling sorry for me. ADOPTION IS A MIRACLE! And I am a very lucky MOMMY!

adopt a child · 06-20-2003, 10:29 AM

I agree with all the other comments made here. From the first time you lay eyes on your kids, they are "your kids" not adopted kids. You will have dumb a$$ people who want to throw in your face how they are your "adopted kids"I dont think these people do it on purpose, or maybe they do.? I felt an instant bond when I layed eyes on my son and knew I was his mother for life. I also get alot of smart comments on how I will now get pregnant since I adopted. I now have the balls to say "I have no time for sex now and besides I am on birthcontrol"I do say it in a smart ass way , but I get extremely tired of that comment.Honestly, I still think of what it would be like to carry and birth a child and I still watch birthing stories on tv. But I wouldnt change the path we chose for adoption if I were told I could get pg tomorrow ,especially since it seems that alot of women on here lose the pregnacy early.I would rather to always wonder rather than to have a miscarriage.Good luck!

CherryPopTart · 06-20-2003, 12:52 PM

You guys are the best.

Thank you for your honesty and for sharing something so personal -- I appreciate it. I'm certain adoption is the right path for us....even if, by some miracle, we do conceive.

My mom always tells me that each person has a "cross" or a burden to carry through life......and not being able to carry life inside of me is one of mine. BUT, God has opened other doors for us....and our children are waiting for us in Russia. I can't wait to bring them home.

Thanks again all! And congratulations on your families!!

Therese

mom2allen · 06-20-2003, 05:43 PM

I agree with the others, wholeheartedly. Allen is my son -- we don't share DNA, but that's a small part of who makes who family.

I used to hate shopping at Babies R Us -- pregnant women EVERYWHERE. It would always make me so depressed... Now, I can't wait to go! I don't have that ache or twinge of sadness anymore -- I'm a mom and my son is adorable and healthy and loves to babble and smile - life is good!

I wanted to be a mom... But I didn't need to be pregnant to be a Mom

Karen

lilac · 06-23-2003, 07:28 PM

When DH and I met with Mr. Alan Gindi of Adoption Network, I strongly remember his words. He shared with us how our children "adopt" us. That is, they will inherit our personality traits, and our funny (and not so funny) characteristics. Everyday I see more and more of DH and I and even my mom (she babysits) in her. She is our daughter and is a reflection of the loving home that we are providing for her.

Dawn in KS · 06-25-2003, 05:53 PM

I don't want to waste too much time repeating what has already been said, but I do agree with these ladies.

Our son, now five-years-old, has been with us for almost three years. He came to us as a foster child -- and I knew he would probably go home -- but I was bonded in minutes. His eyes were so bright and he was so loving. I knew right then that my heart would never be the same.

Although DH and I are still not not-trying (does that make sense) to have a baby, I would almost rather adopt again than have a biological child. I'd like to adopt an AA female (same race as my son, DH and I are cauc.) I don't ever want Isaiah to feel like the "odd person out" in our family and worry that could happen if I become pregnant.

Anyhow, for me, pregnancy is no longer important. I'm sure that you will do what's right for you. Best of luck and God bless. . .

adopt a child · 06-25-2003, 08:38 PM

My dh and I had discussed not trying to get pregnant as soon as we adopted to. Our son is white, as are we, and we still dont want him to feel like the odd one out.I had actually given up on getting pregnant as soon as I looked into adopting, when we got our placement with our son I knew instantly I would adopt our next child too.Good luck to you all

Quote:

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you get all wet...

MicKen · 07-22-2003, 03:22 AM

Oh my!

I wish I oculd let you know how much my feelings about other women's pregnancies changed once we finally adopted our son. Now I am so excited for anyone who is going to be a new mom,, whether by becoming pregnant or via adoption.

For me there was a happy calmness. I have the most beautiful son. I could not have bilogically conceived a child more precious.

It is the best feeling in the world. I may never give birth, but I am so happy.