Question for my Child Free Cysters?

AlyBlu · 07-30-2005, 01:10 PM

To all you Ladies who responded to me about not wanting children also, I am curious what type of resistance you have encountered amongst your family and friends?

I am amazed at how many people feel it is their place to tell me that if it is God's plan for me to have a child - I will be blessed with one?! Dang people - we made a choice based on my health needs and our lifestyle preference. Could it POSSIBLY be that God's plan ( mind you, I am not very religious, but I am very spiritual) for me was to be a shining light for change. That I encourage woman who want to be Moms to be Moms, but that I also encourage thoose who don't to not want to be a Momto feel there life is any less because they choose not to be a Mom - I am a wonderful supporting person for my PG and Mom friends, BUT NOT BEING A MOM DOES NOT MAKE ME LESS OF A WOMAN NOR DOES IT MAKE ME A DISGRACE IN THE EYES OF GOD!!! Okay - wow mini rant there.

Would love to hear from you!

PeacefulAngel · 07-30-2005, 01:24 PM

My family doesn't seem to mind, and they understand. My in laws dont' really care because I have a SIL who can pop out babies like farts. (sorry...couldn't think of anything else that pops out) The main problem I have is (bear with me) My husband's father's stepmother. (his father died when hubby was 3) Anywho, she mentions a baby EVER time we see her. I try to refrian my usual lengthy answer of explain that I can't have children and then going further to explain why. ( I want people to think twice before they ask someone that again) because she is older and not in good health. But it causes me to dread seeing her, ya know.
And yes, I grew up in a small town and your worth does seem to be defined by 1- your job and 2- your children. It took me a long to realize what you said was true. I'm NOT less of a woman because I'm not a mother. It's true, there are times I would love to be a mom. But this is what my husband and I have decide to be best for us, and it is something we have prayed over. As far as I'm concerned, this is God's will for us. It doesn't matter what any one else feels.

Now I have a question.
I feel that God has been leading me to some kind of service regarding infertility. I have given it alot of thought. Do you think there is a need for a counsiler or such who deals with woman who are infertile and decide NOT to have children? Someone you could talk to that will let you know it's ok NOT to be a mom?

Hugs
Julie

cylynne · 07-30-2005, 01:30 PM

Hmmm... the reaction is mixed. My own mother is fine with me not having kids, or at least so she says. My in-laws are another story though... they definitely want grandkids, but they don't hint about it much (thankfully). Up to this point we've told them that we're undecided, which is true (we just don't tell them that we're mostly leaning towards not having them). The reaction I get from friends is also mixed... most of my friends are married with kids already, and it's a 50/50 split between those that tell me, "yeah, don't have kids, they're great, but they change everything" and "you really need to have kids, they'll change everything, but they're great".

I agree, not being a mom doesn't make you less of a female. I was brought up that children are a blessing of God, but I strongly believe that parents should be ready and willing to take care of their kids. Any less is unfair to the kids, so if we're not ready, we won't have them. As a side note, just because you don't have kids doesn't mean that you have no purpose in a child's life... there are many kids out there that need friendship/guidance/love from other adults through Big Brother/Big Sister programs, church programs, school programs, etc. You can be a great influence on children's lives without being a parent.

PeacefulAngel · 07-30-2005, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cylynne

I was brought up that children are a blessing of God,

please please please
do NOT take this wrong.

I believe that children are a blessing from God too, BUT I really hate that phrase too. It always makes me feel like I did something wrong. Why am I not good enough to get this blessing from God? See what I'm saying?

The truth is, I did nothing wrong. But it does, especially on Mother's day, the one day I refuse to go to church, make me feel like I did.

I know you weren't saying anything like that, especially since you weren't even talking to me...LOL....but I just had to get that off my chest. Hope I didnt' make anyone mad.

Hugs
Julie

AlyBlu · 07-30-2005, 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FaithfulAngel

My family doesn't seem to mind, and they understand. My in laws dont' really care because I have a SIL who can pop out babies like farts. (sorry...couldn't think of anything else that pops out) The main problem I have is (bear with me) My husband's father's stepmother. (his father died when hubby was 3) Anywho, she mentions a baby EVER time we see her. I try to refrian my usual lengthy answer of explain that I can't have children and then going further to explain why. ( I want people to think twice before they ask someone that again) because she is older and not in good health. But it causes me to dread seeing her, ya know.
And yes, I grew up in a small town and your worth does seem to be defined by 1- your job and 2- your children. It took me a long to realize what you said was true. I'm NOT less of a woman because I'm not a mother. It's true, there are times I would love to be a mom. But this is what my husband and I have decide to be best for us, and it is something we have prayed over. As far as I'm concerned, this is God's will for us. It doesn't matter what any one else feels.

Now I have a question.
I feel that God has been leading me to some kind of service regarding infertility. I have given it alot of thought. Do you think there is a need for a counsiler or such who deals with woman who are infertile and decide NOT to have children? Someone you could talk to that will let you know it's ok NOT to be a mom?

Hugs
Julie

Heck yeah I think there is a need for that! I spent alot of time in couseling working through this - I was fortunate to have a very spirit based counselor who had also chosen not to have children. She was really there for me. If this is your calling, PLEASE explore it.

P.S. The fart comment had my LMAO. My family pops them out also.

AlyBlu · 07-30-2005, 02:01 PM

I also have the mixed emtion on a personal level of a child is a blessing from God. I think every child is a blessing and I have learned alot from the ones I know, but I feel blessed for the experiences I have.

I deeply enjoy my time with the younger members of my family, but I am also grateful to have the time to really take care of myself and my health and have a supprting husband who feels the same way. I am sure if I was inclinded to have children - we would find our balance with that, but I am just not inclined that way.

I think there are all types of blessings in the world and Faithful Angel I think you counseling women would be one of thoose amazing blessings!

PeacefulAngel · 07-30-2005, 02:09 PM

thank you Aly
I've got alot of personal and spiritual stuff to deal with right now, but I think when it all calms down, I'll talk to my preacher about this. I know I don't have the financial or time reasources it would require to go back to college, but I can always talk and listen.

I think you've been blessed all over too. We all have.

shellybelly · 07-30-2005, 02:12 PM

my sister pops them out like farts too. she is 30 and has 5 kids already 3 girls and 2 boy ranging from13 to 3. her one kid is going to be 5 at the end of sept. and she is still in pull ups which she uses as diapers because she is not potty trained. I have helped my mom watch her kids since i was 12. I use to say that i didn't want to have kids because i have been around kids for that long. but now me and my husband want to have one. and my mom says i should not have any because she has enough gran kids. and that kids are not worth all the trouble they give you. and if she had it to do all over again she would of never had any.

OmShantiOm · 07-31-2005, 02:49 PM

I also don't think that not having children makes me any less of a woman. I think our society is starting to realize that but many people still believe it.

My Aunt and Uncle couldn't have children and they adopted 2. I was always told my Aunt couldn't have children. My mom recently told me that it is actually my Uncle that has the fertility problem but it was always blamed on my Aunt because otherwise he wouldn't feel like a man and he didn't want his family to know! That just pisses me off. I don't think it matters where the problem is, they just couldn't have children.

I have another friend who does not want children as she is very active in the overpopulation cause. But, she has had SEVERAL abortions. I have asked her why she won't have a tubal ligation and she says she's afraid she would feel like less of a woman if she couldn't have a baby. It makes me nuts.

My family is cool with me not giving birth. I have had children for the last 16 years so there are grandkids running around. Plus, one of my brothers had 2. My other brother doesn't want them at all. He's 35 and his life is all about traveling and surfing everywhere in the world. He said he has no desire to breed.

AlyBlu · 07-31-2005, 03:01 PM

The whole not feeling like a Man or a Woman thing drives me nuts also! Good grief.

jlucy · 08-01-2005, 01:08 AM

My parents seem to agree with my decision not to have children. My mom even suggested that I help my brother find a good woman to have kids with becuase I'd be a good aunt. But my brother doesn't want kids either. My parents are okay with it. They have grand-dogs and love them to death!

Now other people are a different story. My good friends know that I don't want kids nor have I ever wanted them and could care less. What gets me though is the people that I don't know as well that I tell about not wanting kids and who go "Why not" or "Don't say that" like it's such a big shock and that EVERYONE would want kids. I mean I didn't ask them why they DO want them so don't ask me why I don't. It just peeves me sometimes that people think I'm a weirdo for not wanting kids.

ERICKA77 · 08-01-2005, 01:47 AM

I've been married for 8 years and no kids yet. We've tried for several years. I'm at the point to where if it happens it happens. I used to get stressed and depressed over it, but it did more harm than good.
I'm 28 and we have done alot of things, that we wouldn't be able to do if we had kids. I love kids, but sometimes I wonder now if my patience level can deal with them. Our neices will come stay the night, and we have a blast. But after a while i'm like, okay time to go home. They go home and there is peace and quiet in the house....
My mother in law is always saying "ya'll better hurry up, cause I might be too old to enjoy them by the time ya'll have kids."...my sister in law spits them out like crazy. She is my age and has 3 girls and 2 abortions. I've told my mother in law I have a hard time getting pregnant and explain the whole PCOS, but I dont' think she understands.
My DH's grandma is forever saying, God will bless you guys. He just wants you guys to have children later in life.....But I don't want children later on in life.
I've told a few people I might not want kids, and the look of horror I get from them...lol...Now if I was to get pregnant I think I would be a wonderful mom and would love my child unconditionally....I've just learned to live with just my DH and me. I'll tell people that, and they say you can't have a family without children, or you don't know love till you have a kid, you can't expiriance life till you have kids....so on and so on. People trip me out.
I feel like I'm one of the very few in my graduating class without kids. I'll run into fellow classmates and the Shock i get from them because I don't have kids or because we quit trying....

PeacefulAngel · 08-01-2005, 10:26 AM

Ericka

I have never heard such bologna in all my life! lol

"You'll never know love til you have kids" BLECH! Obviously those people dont' have a dog!

Talk about unconditional love!

I know how you feel about your nieces. We have a 6 yr old neice and she loves to come to our house. She wears me out. LOL. I love her to death, but sometimes I find myself looking at the clock. LOL. I hope that doesn't make me awful.

My husband and I also enjoy the freedom to go where we want, when we want. It's so much easier to find a dog sitter vs a baby sitter. We get the urge to go to the WalMart at 1am...off we go!

hugs to you
Julie

AlyBlu · 08-01-2005, 12:40 PM

Can't have a family or do not know love without kids!!! This is the kind of CR@P I am talking about.

My ability to love changed when I met my DH, my heart and mind expanded in ways that I did not know where possible - now I may not know the love of my own child but that does not make my love, or my family any less!!!

ERICKA77 · 08-01-2005, 12:43 PM

We love our dog just like she was actually our own child. Talk about spoiled..lol..I know love cause we have our Phoenix!!!...I know love anyways, cause I'm a loving person. People just shouldn't talk unless they've walked in your shoes.
It does not make you a bad person for watching the clock..lol..
I understand about the freedom. That is one thing we do have. There have been plenty of times friends of ours can't go somewhere with us due to not having a babysitter. Or kids can't go where we are going.
And our groceries are so much cheaper!!..lol..
Thanks for the hugs FaithfulAngel..