A question for other loss mommies (pg ment.)

Kristina921 · 02-23-2009, 12:13 PM

Hi everyone. I am no stranger to loss having had 4 losses before finally getting this one to stick.

My question is this...I am having a baby shower next weekend. My cousin was invited although I don't know if she will come. Last year, she lost her 9 month old baby girl who was born with Trisomy 18. I know that my baby shower will probably be hard for her. I am not sure how well she is still coping. It's been almost a year. I know after my losses, even after years, it still stung to go to any parties with babies.

If she does come, do I acknowledge her baby girl in some way to her? Or just not bring it up? I was thinking about saying something like "I know how hard this must be for you but I am so gald you were able to come" or something like that? Or just not bring it up at all? I'm afraid too that if she is coping ok that if I bring it up, it will just upset her.

Am I overthinking this?

Emaline · 02-23-2009, 12:39 PM

Hmm. I don't think you're over thinking it. It is probably still very raw for her - I can't even begin to imagine the pain she felt with such a late loss. Has she talked about her loss much? I guess it depends on her personality type; you would know her best. Some people don't like to beat around the bush, and if you speak to her in private, she may be okay with that. If you are going to, maybe do so after the party is over, so you can better gage how she's feeling. Also, that way, if she does become upset, she won't have to hold tears for the entire party.

On the otherhand, it would make me super uncomfortable to even go to a baby shower after a loss like that, but I guess I'd have to make the effort some time. Personally, it would upset me if someone said somethingn about my baby too hastily, at least. I would probably be comparing our babies in my head anyway and I would also be able to feel the pity and the eyes on me (if other people knew). So, yeah, maybe in a very private discussion afterwards?

Kristina921 · 02-23-2009, 02:51 PM

Well, this was a false alarm I guess. I spoke to my other cousin (her sister) and she isn't going to come. I almost feel relieved because I didn't want her to feel like she had to come. She is going to buy paper products and send them with my other cousin. So that was a really nice gesture of her I think. I just didn't want to put any pressure on her.

MiniGidget · 02-23-2009, 03:11 PM

Kristina--I lost our first pregnancy in September, and a cousin of ours had a shower in December. I opted not to go because I did not want to take away from the fun of her baby showers and be the crying lady in the corner.....or the crying lady in my car on the way home from the shower! I opted to mail a gift to their home, and I sent my congrats to them but explained why I would not be there. They were okay with it, and they have been very thoughtful! It sounds like you're ahead of most pregnant women because you thought about her feelings!

I hope you have a wonderful baby shower!

VivC · 03-04-2009, 03:56 AM

Could you maybe write on the thank you card that you know how hard the day would have been for her? I think acknowledging her daughter that way would mean a lot. You are awesome to think about all of this right now, when you have so much going on!

tcrock02 · 03-04-2009, 11:54 AM

I know that u understand why she is not coming and your understanding her will be appreciated my her i am sure. Loss is hard no matter when it occurs. You are a great person to have considered her feelings anyway