Question *pregnancy/baby mentioned*

annem84 · 10-07-2005, 04:30 PM

I didn't know where to post this but thought this was the board and if it isn't then I guess it will get moved.

For those ladies that have lost a child through m/c or stilldeath--do you consider yourself a mother even if your child is not with you in the present? The only reason I ask this is because I dont know how to tell myself the truth. I have heard some mention that yes you are a mother but yet others tell me that in order to be a mother--your children must be living? But then my question would be if a mother had a child and this child died unexpectandly and she had no other children would her "status" be ripped from and be no longer a mother but just a person who lost a child?

But then I dont want to tell people I'm a mother and have to go into the situation of why I dont have the child with me physically but just spiritually and emotionally, though I did at one time have the child physically with me just not anymore. Is there a safe way to answer this question???

Thanks for the help.

kirvygerl · 10-07-2005, 05:10 PM

Yes, I consider myself a mother. I don't believe in order to be a mother you have to have a living child. There are not too many things that I consider more offensive than that remark from people (which I have had a few people tell me as well). I don't believe my status should be taken from me just because my child is not physically present with me. I've also had some people say, "Well, then you're not a real mother." Huh? Then I guess my grief, my longing for my child, my hopes and dreams, my thoughts of why, those aren't real either? My love for my child didn't stop because the pregnancy ended.

It's tough to know what to say to people when they ask if you have any children (or other children). Frankly, I don't feel like going into it every time someone asks, especially if I don't know the person very well. I wish I could give you better advice as to what to say. Hopefully some of the other ladies will have words of wisdom.

I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you~

Hayles · 10-07-2005, 06:28 PM

hmm I have no idea what to say to this question either i want to scream at them & say yes but i never do. i wish there was a clear answer. good luck finding one!
& yes I AM A MUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VivC · 10-07-2005, 11:01 PM

Anne, I am a mother to Rivi. I know that he still exists, and I know I'll see him again one day. If I know people well, or I know I'll be seeing them a lot, I tell them about him, and that he died.

I finally did get to the point that I started saying I didn't have any children when strangers would ask. It made me feel so guilty (it still does, in a way), like I was betraying him somehow. But when I say "No, no children, I always pause and think living..."No, no [living] children."

((hugs))

Viv

Mich831 · 10-08-2005, 03:00 AM

You ARE a mother. It doesn't matter how long you carried that child. You cared for and loved that baby like anyone who has a living child. It doesn't matter if you held that child in your arms or not. You hold them in your heart and that's all that matters.

Tell those people to stick where the sun doesn't shine...sorry but I can't STAND when someone says that.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am a mother.....to an angel in heaven that's waiting for me when I get there someday and I am a mother to my little boy that is living who I love just as much as my first child.

Michele

LaurAnnHere · 10-08-2005, 03:15 AM

Here is the definition of a mother...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary

Main Entry: 1moth·er
Pronunciation: 'm&-[th]&r
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English moder, from Old English mOdor; akin to Old High German muoter mother, Latin mater, Greek mEtEr, Sanskrit mAtr
Date: before 12th century
1 a : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman

You are a female parent. You were pregnant and gave birth to a baby (a m/c is birth, too). Your baby was alive and will always be part of you. If your mother and father pass away, that doesn't mean you're not a daughter does it? That wouldn't make sense. Saying your not a mother is the same thing. It doesn't make sense.

Now, telling people that you are a mother is a very personal decision. You have the right to answer that question as "no" if you feel more comfortable doing so. You may answer differently depending on the situation that you are in. It is difficult to answer that question "yes" and then have to go on to explain the reason you have no children with you. However, you have every right to say "yes" in any situation you want.

YOU ARE A MOTHER.

SheriKCMO · 10-08-2005, 11:23 AM

People you know well, like family, should hear how you feel about this. And it's okay if it takes you a while to decide what you feel. It is a very personal feeling that should be natural and not feel forced. If you want to be considered a mother by those people in your life, you need to tell them. You have been through a tragedy and deserve the kindness of being acknowledged how you want to be. In the end, if you aren't being treated properly, you might just have to keep it to yourself to protect your broken heart from more pain. It's really none of anyone's business if they can't respect you.

People think parenting a living child is hard work, but they should try to be a parent to one who is deceased and see how hard it can be.

Hugs to you,
Sheri

kwannabee · 10-08-2005, 01:44 PM

QUOTE]yet others tell me that in order to be a mother--your children must be living?[/quote]

how would they know??? I found it irritating that someone would tell me how i should feel after i had aimee and dana...and what i should be greatful for or whatever...like i said...how would they know? They'd never been through it, never had to struggle like i did...so i took what i needed and let the rest go...if it didnt help me then i didnt give it brain space (dont have enough to spare

)

And somewhere i posted a poem called Can You be a Mother...i have to look for it but the words were what i needed to hear...some of the phrases i would repeat to myself in my head when i was missing them so terribly...i'll go look for it for you.

just feel what you need to feel...and if you feel you are a mother then you ARE a mother...my personal opinion is YES you ARE mother, a special mommie to a special angel baby...forever...

lots of hugs to you...

here it is...i couldnt find the thread but i had it saved......

IF YOU JUST LOST YOUR BABIES READ THIS:
I just happened to come across this by accident...it made me cry...and it made me think of my cysters...

Tomorrow my girls would be a month old....sighhhhh

Kim
******************

Inspirational Poem for Grieving Mothers
Can You be a Mommy if Your Baby's Not With You?

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby, This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied, With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear.

I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile, With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done.

They'll be up here with me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one!

-Author Unknown

VivC · 10-08-2005, 04:28 PM

Kim, that poem makes me cry every time I read it!

Viv

kwannabee · 10-08-2005, 04:34 PM

It still makes me cry too Viv

karney · 10-08-2005, 07:33 PM

That poem was so beautiful and it did make me cry . That is just how I picture my little Tommy , with Jesus .
When people ask me if I have any children , I say that I am but I don't have him with me . I tell them he is in my heart and leave it at that .Sometimes that kind of makes some people uncomfortable, so they don't say anything else . Mostly everyone that I know, know what happened , so they don't ask .
Karen

saluki_fan · 10-08-2005, 11:19 PM

My thoughts on that question are:

Well, when my parents pass away, I'll still be a daughter. Therefore, although my first 3 babies are no longer alive, I'm their mother.

It's a tough question...I do tell strangers I don't have any children because I hate explaining...but it's a personal decision. I will talk about my losses if I get the feeling people are willing to listen.

lifes2short · 10-09-2005, 08:03 AM

I say no and hate myself for it

annem84 · 10-10-2005, 12:04 PM

Thank-you all for sharing. I guess it would be personal--each to their own. I just wish there was an "easy" way out but there isn't. I will just go with flow and see what I feel is the necessary wording with each person that asks me. It is hard because not a lot of people know about the pregnancy and or m/c--which I know is no fault other then our own but yeah, anywho. Thanks again for the support and thanks for posting the poem; I'm sitting here silently weeping in my office. ((HUGSS)) to you all.