question for you gentlemen from a cyster...

sallyn · 04-13-2008, 03:31 AM

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can i ask you gentlemen a question, to hear your perspectives??

i think it's really wonderful to have that section because i imagine it has to be really challenging for partners of women with pcos...i think of my last relationship before getting diagnosed and see how my symptoms changed me and made it tough for my partner to be with me (we eventually broke up after 3 years shortly before i was diagnosed and began treatments).

i want to ask for some feedback of you gentlemen that would be willing to share because i am going to start dating again and i would like some thoughts on how i can talk to new guys about my pcos symptoms (like hirsutism!) and things like that. it could be awkward to tell a guy that you have a beard for instance or to talk to him about your ovaries or that you have no waist because of pcos and i just wanted some thoughts from you guys on how i can go about doing it. i don't want to not mention it because it affects the way i feel about myself and if he doesn't know that, then he might try to fill in the blanks himself with inaccurate info. so, do you guys have any ideas on this??

thanks so much.

Kriket · 04-13-2008, 04:02 PM

I'm not a boy, but I want to post all-up-in the boys space!

Nerds are the way to date. They don't ask questions because they don't have a predisposition to what a woman "should" be. A lot of the superficial pretty boys have an ideal in their head about what a woman should be, and sadly, most of the time they can't get past your body. Look for men that look you in the eyes and talk to you like a person. Those are my

nikbeehubby · 04-14-2008, 12:14 AM

be yourself, be honest, to thine own self be true. the rest will fall into place.

nikbeehubby · 04-14-2008, 12:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kriket

I'm not a boy, but I want to post all-up-in the boys space!

exactly why so few of us men participate in this section of the site

Kriket · 04-14-2008, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikbeehubby

exactly why so few of us men participate in this section of the site

I don't believe that :p I didn't want to leave the cyster hangin'!
much love to the boys for being our rocks!

sallyn · 04-17-2008, 12:50 AM

thanks for your responses. kriket, thanks so much for being supportive and helpful. nikbeehubby, i hope you can understand why i wanted to post in this board and i agree with you that being honest and true to yourself is the way to go.

it's just tough, there are all of these added "insecurities" when you have pcos and sometimes it can be really discouraging and emotionally exhausting on top of the normal search for love (lol, especially when you're out of the dating world for a few years) so i just wanted some feedback. for instance, i just met a guy recently and i was so uncomfortable in my own skin (he was very lean and barely had any "meat" on his bones, just muscle and skin and his waist was a lot smaller than mine so i felt awkward) and he picked up on my discomfort. but he thought it was because i didn't like being out with him. i mentioned that i had a medical condition and had put on some weight because of it, which has made me uncomfortable with my body. anyway, my point with that anecdote is that his "filling in the blanks" like that is the reason i think it's important to talk about the fact that i do have pcos. if something is making someone uncomfortable being themselves, it shows and other people aren't mind readers so, frequently, they can come up with their own explanations of why and it often has to do with something they're insecure about themselves. so, i think communication is important because things like that can become a barrier. being on this end of the gender polarity, i just think it might be sort of hard for a guy to hear some of the major things about pcos and imagining being with her. i could definitely be wrong, so i just wanted to hear some viewpoints.

any other thoughts?? if you guys were meeting a woman and starting to get to know her, how would you want to hear about pcos??

nikbeehubby · 04-17-2008, 01:44 AM

we guys arent mindreaders, just be straightforward and dump it out on the table. with other guys we can fill in the blanks pretty well but with women thats a recipe for trouble. say what you mean and mean what you say. in regards to reactions i cant speak for anyone but myself... i didnt care then and i dont care now. is part of who and what nikbee is and thats all there is to it.

sallyn · 04-17-2008, 01:56 AM

you're saying it nicely....

okay, here's what i am scared to just openly say: "i have too much male hormone in my body!" i mean, what i imagine a guy thinking hearing something like that is "oh my gosh, were you born a guy? are a you a shim?"

i'm scared the guy or guys will think i should be in the circus as the bearded lady, i'm scared they will think i am a disgusting freak when i can't help it, this is something that's just happening to me and i'm doing everything i can to make it better, but that just isn't happening. i'm just scared that they will think i was really born a guy or something like that because they just don't know about pcos and will make judgments without giving me the chance to help them learn or get to know me better...i'm sorry, i didn't want to go all emotional, but that's it in a flat out nutshell.

thank you... this is just hard and i'm looking for a way to make it easier or better.

biker_jt · 04-17-2008, 02:47 AM

i'm another guy here so if i can just say a few things, first off, we're guys. we can say with maybe 10 words and a handful of grunts what it would take most women 20 min of straight talking to say. in other words keep it simple. just say the basics. if you give most of us too much info upfront you are going to most likely scare him away or cause his brain to more or less shut down for 2 days while he tries to process this. be honest and tell him you have a medical condition. if he asks more tell him, we ask when we are ready to know.
i mean no offense but guys are wired different, just watch a group of guys, epically close friends have a "conversation". the best example of this is when they are working on a project.

lovelyinkedlady · 04-17-2008, 03:02 AM

I have to agree with the guys.

Being married to my husband if there is one thing i've learned, yet not learned how to do it yet. Is to live by the KISS rule, keep it simple silly. If i want him to do this, i tell him or ask him will you please do this. And he does it. He does know however that if i leave the bag of kitty droppings by the front door that he needs to take it down to the trash in the morning.

If i want steak and loberster but tell him i want chicken and shrimp. He's gonna give me what i ask for.

Ask for what you want. If you must write it down to make it simple.
Guys aren't complex. The are simple. They like their lives that way as well.
Now if i could figure out how to do that, it would be more help to all women in the world, i'd be rich!

sallyn · 04-17-2008, 11:44 PM

thanks for the feedback. what i'm asking is this:

do i tell him pcos means too high testosterone or should i leave that out?

that's what pcos means to me. it means a beard, a belly, and crazy mood swings. what part of that do you guys think i should leave out?? i'll fill in the rest when he's ready and asks, but what do you think i should begin with??
you're saying just the basics but all of those to me are the basics (for my case) and i think it might be too much all at once.

nikbeehubby · 04-18-2008, 12:04 AM

tell him you have PCOS, if he's really into you he wont care. the sooner you tell him about it the higher the odds of a favorable reaction. quit worrying aobut what you think he may worry about.

biker_jt · 04-18-2008, 10:05 AM

just tell him you have pcos, maybe direct him to this page, but for the most part when he asks for details provide them like if he asks what pcos does then tell him about the hormone unbalance, most guys if you come right out with it like that would just get confused, just go slow but don't hold back if he asks

supermouse · 04-18-2008, 01:00 PM

Not a man, but have an idea of what to tell potential boyfriends:

" I have PCOS. Basically, that's a reproductive hormone imbalance and it causes x and such outward symptoms."

Then, if he wants to know more, he'll ask questions and you can answer accordingly. You don't even have to say "testosterone", but even if you did, I don't think most men would automatically assume you were transsexual.

In fact, you probably don't have to bring it up at all, unless you were several dates in and considering being intimate. Then, perhaps you'd want to discuss it and why you may feel a little insecure about your appearance. But if you got naked, it would be obvious that you are and always have been a woman. So, Im not suggesting you take off your clothes to prove youre not a tranny, just that, if you get to that point (of intimacy) in a relationship, maybe that's the time to bring up the PCOS. Good luck!

sallyn · 04-19-2008, 03:35 PM

hi all....

thanks so much for all of the support! it helped me feel comfortable enough that there's a *happy* outcome....

while i am a thin cyster, i have an "undefined waist" and lots of face/body hair because of PCOS. i do my best to keep up but it's never like i don't have anything. anyways, that was making me afraid i was going to cause revulsion in a guy and all that, so i posted this thread.

last night i had another date with a guy (not the one that made me uncomfortable like i wrote about above). and we had both talked about "medical conditions" we both have had during our previous date. i told him some general things like gaining weight, some of the fatigue making exercise hard, food cravings, and some of the risks for other medical conditions. he was very understanding at that point and we went out for our next date last night.

after all of your support, suggestions, advice, and feedback, i was finally comfortable enough and prepared to talk to him a little bit more about what pcos was. i started to tell him, but before i even said it, he said he knew i had PCOS. he said he put the pieces together from what i had said and figured the shirt i was wearing was to try and hide my midsection. he told me that he knows what it is (and he actually did, he knew about the androgens!) and about the different symptoms. he reassured me that it doesn't bother him and i shouldn't try to hide it or be bothered by it because of him. not only that, but he was really pleased that i didn't wait longer to talk to him about it.

so, thanks everyone for all of your feedback because it really helped make me feel a lot better so i could have a positive conversation about it instead of the one i was anticipating! i feel a lot better about all of this now!