Rant.

HakunaMatata · 04-24-2009, 01:45 AM

I need to vent and really, is there a better place than here? Where all of you know exactly where I am coming from?

First, I am tired of people saying that my miscarriage was God's Will. I get it. I know. I know that the baby wasn't meant to be and I know that it'll happen someday. However, the people who say these things have NO FREAKING CLUE what we all go through and how absolutely desperate we feel sometimes.

It feels so pathetic to use the word "desperate," but that's exactly what it is - desperation. I have never been so desperate for anything in my life. I am heartbroken that last Christmas, I was still desperately childless. I am heartbroken that I thought it finally happened, and then the dream was ripped away from my desperate body. I am angry at myself for becoming comfortable with the idea of becoming a mother - and for allowing myself to get excited. I am FURIOUS with myself for telling everyone; it just caused more heartache when I had to "untell" everyone.

In my heart, I know that the miscarriage was not my fault. I was afraid to SNEEZE too hard after I found out I was pregnant. I'm a stomach sleeper, and I willed myself to sleep on my back or side. I researched all of the right things to eat, drink, stopped drinking soda or any caffeine at all, took it easy, stayed calm, didn't stress, and I even talked to my baby.

I told my baby how much she was going to be loved and that I was already proud of everything that she was going to become. I told her how lucky she was to have a daddy like hers and how excited her great grandparents were to meet her. (for all intents and purposes, the baby was a "she" since gender doesn't develop for the first several weeks...plus I just felt it.)

Many of my friends got pregnant right at the same time as me. I would say 10 of them altogether, including me. Guess how many miscarried so far? Me. It's OK though...I am still happy for everyone. I even went to a baby shower the weekend after I miscarried. I was late because I couldn't stop crying while I was getting ready, and sure, I broke down on the way home...but I held a smile the whole time I was there. What I am sick and tired of is finding out some other way that a friend of mine is pregnant, and then asking them just to have them say, "oh, yeah, I didn't want to tell you...with everything that happened. I wasn't sure how you'd take it." These people know me. The miscarriage didn't suddenly make me bitter about other people's happiness.

Going back to pathetic, do you want to hear something really pathetic? I went for an ultrasound earlier this week, per my GYN's orders. I have a new doctor who is going to do my Endometriosis surgery (since the last doctor failed) and he wanted to get a thorough pelvic ultrasound to make sure everything else is in order so that I'm ready to get pregnant after the surgery. I miscarried back on January 26th. I looked for a baby on the screen...I kept hoping that by some miracle, I was still pregnant. When I saw the empty void where the baby used to be, all of the feelings came rushing back and it took everything in me not to cry. Then, to make it worse, I realized that it was about the time I'd be finding out the gender. I'd be getting an ultrasound, doing the same thing I was doing, except it would have been for the baby.

I'm having an issue with someone from my past. She and I got pregnant at the same time as well. She said that she got to keep her baby and I lost mine because God is unhappy with the way I live my life. What an ugly thing to say.

That's all. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.

HakunaMatata · 04-24-2009, 01:51 AM

Another thing...how sad it is to now have to write "1 pregnancy, 1 miscarriage" on paperwork at doctor's offices. I wonder if that will hurt my heart forever or if this, too, shall pass.

Anonykat · 04-24-2009, 02:52 AM

Quote:

She said that she got to keep her baby and I lost mine because God is unhappy with the way I live my life.

Who are these people that say these things?? I keep hearing about it on this board, yet I can't imagine I actually know somebody that disgusting. It makes me queasy to think there are people like that.

God is not malevolent - He doesn't punish us like that. If her (il)logic were true, then how do you explain all the crack hoes out there who pop out kid after kid and continually neglect them, because they can't stop looking for that next hit?

I don't know that the hurt will ever completely go away. I have not miscarried, but I have friends who have, and even after having living children now, they still talk about the child they lost with great sadness. I hope and pray that the sting eases over time. I'm so sorry for your loss.

HakunaMatata · 04-24-2009, 03:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonykat

Who are these people that say these things?? I keep hearing about it on this board, yet I can't imagine I actually know somebody that disgusting. It makes me queasy to think there are people like that.

God is not malevolent - He doesn't punish us like that. If her (il)logic were true, then how do you explain all the crack hoes out there who pop out kid after kid and continually neglect them, because they can't stop looking for that next hit?

I don't know that the hurt will ever completely go away. I have not miscarried, but I have friends who have, and even after having living children now, they still talk about the child they lost with great sadness. I hope and pray that the sting eases over time. I'm so sorry for your loss.

You know what, it's a really messed up situation. This girl is my ex-boyfriend's wife. He and I dated for 3 years, 5 years ago. He and I are both over it; she's the only one that can't move on. She's stalking me on MySpace and stuff (I have a tracker) and one day there were some words exchanged. I can't seem to shake her no matter what I do or don't do.

I know that God wouldn't punish me like this. My ex-boyfriend and his family (and now his wife) are extremely religions - almost cult-like. MY God is loving, but they feel the need to live in fear. I thought about the crack whore thing too when she said that, but at that point I realized how ugly she was inside and decided not to respond. This was after blocking her on MySpace, when she "chased" me on Facebook...then messaged me from my ex-boyfriend's Facebook...then made another account to message me from there. Pretty psychotic stuff.

I hope the pain at least fades. I think I'm still hurting so much because I haven't given myself time to mourn. I keep having to put the emotions away for work, school, etc. I only get tiny chances to mourn and I never get everything out because it's on to something else that I have to put it away for. I don't think I'll ever move on, but I'd like to move forward.

And now I am truly desperate. After having that taste, I am doing everything I can to make it happen again. I am absolutely terrified of the idea of not getting pregnant again by the EDD. I think that day will mark the opening of the floodgates.

tcrock02 · 04-24-2009, 11:40 AM

Hakuna, i am truely sorry for you loss. There are no perfect words to say to make the pain go away or i would say them everyday for myself. It gets easier to handle but never goes away. I want to remember the joy of carrying my babies no matter if it was only a little while. BUt i agree it takes the joy away from the following pregnancies because you are constantly worried it will happen again.
Just give yourself time to heal. Cry when u need to, avoid pregnant friends, if they dont understand then just remember its not all about them. Your heart has a right to mourn the loss of your child. Have you named your baby? i found that helped and i also tried to save something from each of my m/c's but i have not EVER take them out to look at yet. But someday i will.
People say stupid things and u make sure that you dont just walk away when they do. Because by you responding to their comments(not in hatred) you are saving them from saying the same crap to someone else in the future.
Sending you lots of hugs and feel free to RANT anytime you want....

R0xyg4l · 04-25-2009, 12:10 AM

Wow, though I can really relate with a lot of what you said, I can't believe someone would have the audacity to say you had a m/c because of your lifestyle and I didn't because of mine. I don't think anything would p*ss me off more than that.

I totally understand where you are coming. I had a 16 wk m/c with no cause. It sucked more than anything ever could. I got past the first trimester and thought I'm gold. Everything was progressing well until that 16 wk check up when we found out there was no hb. I went through a lot. I sent all of my friends a text.. just simply saying we lost the baby. I didn't want to have to discuss it with anyone. One friend text me back "What do you mean?" I was thinking what other way could that sentence possibly be taken? I even told my boss since I was out on leave so everyone knew why and wouldn't ask me. I told most of our close family members and assumed it would spread. A few weeks later, one of my DH's Aunts ask me "So are you going to find out the sex of the baby?" I didn't know what to say, I couldn't believe I was being asked this and I had no clue how to reply. She started badgering me a little "Oh you're not going to share, is it a secret?" Finally, I blurted out "We lost the baby!" I was heartbroken all over again, not only for my loss but essentially having to break that out at my cousin's bday party. People told me the whole time, things happen for a reason, things happen for a reason. Well I started to believe them. I work with DDS clients and they all have CP. I kept thinking I wouldn't want that life for my baby. Then we started trying again... I went to a follicle scan and started crying because of the memories.

We got a BFP in February and I was so ecstatic I started hysterically crying. The one thing I wanted so badly again had finally happened to me. Maybe I am lucky, maybe the first time was just a fluke of genes. I have a friend that taught me the law of attraction (from The Secret book & movie). I thought I'm going to be optimistic. Lightening can't strike the same person twice. This is going to be great. I started craving spicy foods and DH always said "Thats because you have a fiesty boy in ya!" We would chuckle excitedly. Then came time for my first OB appt that I dreaded, because it was the same room, same u/s machine that I had gotten the first bad news from. I just kept thinking everything is going to be fine. The MD talked to me about how things were going to be different this time. Went to do the u/s... I heard her make a big sigh. I said there is no hb is there? She confirmed it.

My DH is calling me for dinner. Needless to say I feel cheated. The first time maybe it was a fluke. Maybe if God exists maybe it wasn't meant to be and he was looking out for me. The second time, I'm cheated, wronged. I've tried to be the best person I could be my whole life. I've dealt with my fair share of BS. I can't understand why it keeps happening to me. And now after RPL testing, there may never be a cause found. *sigh*

HakunaMatata · 04-25-2009, 02:16 AM

Roxy, I am crying for you

I'm so sorry. I used to say that when someone would miscarry before but it was never so weighted. From one spirit mom to another, I am sorry for your losses.

Haven't another miscarriage is what I am most terrified of. The part of what you wrote that really got me was when you went for the ultrasound for your 2nd baby and said "there's no HB is there?" I think I would have died if I had gotten to the point of seeing the HB and finding out that there wasn't one.

Turns out I could have had an US...my doctor (and I) miscalculated the date of conception and I was actually pregnant a little bit longer than I thought. I thought I was miscarrying at two weeks but it looks like I was actually more like 5-6 weeks along. My doctor refused to do an US when I started bleeding because he swore we wouldn't be able to see anything.

And about my ex-boyfriend's wife...she is just an ugly person. She's incredibly phony by pretending to be this innocent, sweet person and she is so not. I didn't take what she said to heart - I know it isn't true and I know that I live my life as best as I can. This girl has never met me - she thinks she knows me by what my ex-boyfriend has said about me. People usually magnify things about their exes, depending on how things ended...which was really bad between him and me.

Now MY hubby's calling for dinner...

Thanks for your reply and here's hoping for the best for both of us.

dstaiger · 04-25-2009, 06:11 PM

Hakuna - i would like to print out your rant and hand it to every idiot that says "god has his reasons", or "i just wasn't meant to be", or any other stupid thing people say when they obviously have no clue what we are going thru.

i prefer the people that know they don't know what to say and so say nothing at all, or just a simple i'm sorry.

dianna

R0xyg4l · 04-25-2009, 09:08 PM

Thanks Hakuna. I remembering crying with my m/cs each time just thinking I pray the soul of this baby blesses someone who wants a baby more than anything in the world. If I'm going to lose another baby I just want someone to know how much I wanted it and they better take care of it. Just thinking of that makes me cry. It stinks to want something so bad and have it slip through your hands not once but twice. With both of my losses, I've heard the hb previously. They say "You have a less than like a 7% chance of m/c after the hb is heard". I think what a fluke. How can I possibly have such bad luck to be in that small percentage each time. When I started TTC I saw a lot of cysters with m/cs in their sigs and just thought that must be such a horrible thing to go through. I never imagined it would happen to me... twice.

HakunaMatata · 04-28-2009, 01:03 AM

Just found out that my friend, who just had a baby not even 2 months ago and had her tubes tied during the C-Section, is pregnant again. Don't any babies want me for a mommy? I keep getting skipped by the baby train.

R0xyg4l · 04-29-2009, 02:35 AM

Hakuna ~ Beautiful bag designs! I def voted for you! Also, you're DD has such a beautiful name. It is Hawaiian right? I've traced my DD's name a lot of different ways and some say it's Slavic and occasionally I get Hawaiian. It's pronounced Ahh nee or On knee. Though most people pronounce it Annie initially.

I think it's absolutely crazy how your friend is pregnant. How does stuff like that happen? Let me say, just the fact that you were able to conceive is very promising. Sometimes I get upset and I just think that at least I'm able to get pregnant. I feel with PCOS that it is half the battle. The other half is having a full term healthy pregnancy. Which I'm yet to come to terms with or figure out how to do after the first time. Also, you're young. I know that may not seem like much. But you have a lot of time before you really have to worry about your biological clock (I think back to Look Whos Talking). I'm only a few years older than you and I feel like I'm running out of time but thats mainly because I have a six year old DD and feel like I want to be done having kids by the time I'm 30. But that may not be what life has in store for me.

With that said, after what you've been through... you have every right to feel the way you do. You WILL have a successful pregnancy one day. Though I've been through two m/c people ask me "Are you going to continue to try?" I look at them like they're crazy... you think I'm going to give up just like that? I think not... the end product is too precious and worth whatever it is I may have to go through. We'll both get there. I pray sooner than later.

tcrock02 · 04-29-2009, 12:18 PM

Wow you all made me cry!!! i will try to keep my story/s short but no promises-lol. I got married at 18 and TTC right away it took 8 years and opening my foster home before bam there he was> My beautiful baby boy- very uncomplicated pg and delivery except i am RH neg.
So that was 1996. I got divorced and remarried in 2003. Still ttc #2. In 06 big surprise BFP only to be told there was a sack but no fetal pole. natural m/c @ 5 weeks. I was sad because Dh has no children and i so wanted to give him one. 12/07 BFP again- a little scared but plugged on. Started spotting at 6 weeks went to the ER and passed my baby in the hospital bathroom- alone....called dh in there to help me cuz i was bleeding everywhere -they scheduled me for a emergency D&C and prepped me for surgery. While waiting i was placed in the maternity ward right across the hall from the nurses station. I got to hear crying babies all night long knowing every second my baby was gone 1/08.
After 2nd i was dx'd with PCOS and put on Metformin. I thought this is my miracle drug from all i read it would help. Got my 3rd BFP in 1/09. I was so excited. this time i just knew it was going to be different. We had seen the hb before but i was not on met then so after seeing the hb this time and changing ob's i prayed this would be our miracle baby. I started spotting but was told i just had a sensitive cervix. At 7 weeks i went in for my followup ultrasound and there was no HB. I was totally caught off gaurd. It was like i knew what was happening but it was all a bad dream... this was not happening to me AGAIN!!!! I cried so hard i could not get to the car without DH guiding me. I started screaming at God" You need to come down here and tell me why this keeps happening to me" I was yelling and crying in the parking lot.. I didnt care who heard me i didnt care what they thought....This last miscarriage has taken me more time to adjust to because i just didnt think the odds of this happening to me AGAIN-3 fricken times!!!!!- but there i was. And here i am today. I am in the 2ww for TTC again. and i am scared---terrified---- but at the same time optimistic.The fact that i have gotten pg 3 times in 6 years is amazing when it took me 8 years the first time. I do believe in God and i know that all things happen for a reason even though i cant seem to understand why... but i still love and trust the Lord.. I know that someday i will get my miracle. I will bring that baby home and raise them in the love of God. I think if i didnt believe in God i would be lost in this miscarriage tragedy and want to give up. I cant change what has already happened to me but i can keep moving forward. Maybe there is someone in my future that will need my support and guidance when they deal with this same situatuion. I dont know but God does. And that is where i put my trust.....I am praying for miracles for all of us who have suffered this incredible loss....

kwannabee · 04-29-2009, 01:57 PM

That 'friend' of yours....the one who is pretentious and all out whacked out of her mind for saying something like that to you that is so heartless and unthinking???

Dont give her a second thought! omg

As for losing your precious angel baby being Gods will...when my girls died that comment had me in tears, i needed God so bad during that time and all it did was make me feel more alone...i just had to rely on my beliefs and put others stupid comments out of my mind.

but i wanted to share a little dream my mom had when i lost my angels...

she called me and said she'd had a dream, that my two little girls aimee and dana were skirting in and out between Jesus' legs in heaven, untying his sandle laces and pulling at his robes, and Jesus, for all his patience...was a little flustered.

my mom and me were laughing and crying at the same time...i missed them so much but I could see my girls being total heavenly brats...just like they would have been if i had been able to keep them here with me. So is it Gods will that they were chosen to go back to heaven...yes, was it my will to keep them here with me? Yes...but i just had no control over anything.

I was so sad and heartbroken, and i miss them every single day, but the ability to smile with their memory and that feeling of being okay with things didnt come for a long long time...and i can smile about my angels now...you're not there yet, and thats so totally understandable.

The time will come when it gets easier to think of your angel and smile, but with people around you who say mean and hurtful things...it wont make the journey any easier.

Just hang in there angelmommie, let the anger flow and get it all out, SC is the place to be...

hugs...

tcrock02 · 04-29-2009, 03:15 PM

kwannab-you made me smile. what a dream.... i imagine all 3 of my angel babies are up there making trouble as well... my grandfather was taken tragically in a house fire and i often imagine them keeping each other company...... and watching over all of us here on earth

HakunaMatata · 04-30-2009, 01:05 AM

Roxy - 1st, thanks for voting!

And, thanks about DD's name. It means Heavenly Flower (Leilani) from God (Grace), and it is Hawaiian. I always liked the name and thought I'd name my daughter that one day, and it just seemed to fit. And it is crazy how that happens! She found out that she is NOT pregnant (which is good for her health, as much as she wanted the baby), it was just leftover hCG and it was decreasing. After finding out that she was not, I found out that TWO MORE people are pregnant. In my original post, I said 10. Since then, it has gone to 16. I AM NOW ON XANAX because I was about to lose it. DH put it into perspective that it was becoming an obsession...all I talked about...and it was taking over my life. My brain needs a hiatus because I just could not focus on ANYTHING else. I know I'm still young, but ever since I was a little girl (you know, back when I thought kissing meant you'd get pregnant...and that it would be that easy LMAO!) I knew I wanted to be 23 when I had my first kid. I had a young mom (she had me at 20) and I wanted to be a young mom too. Things don't work out the way you plan...especially when your plans were made when you were 6.

Crock - GOOD LUCK with your 2WW! I am sending an insane amount of baby dust your way...you deserve it! Especially after all of that! I especially leveled with you when you wrote about yelling at God. It's so hard to not be angry with him and to realize that there is a plan, even if you don't kow it yet nor do you know the reasons.

Kwannabe - She is FARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR from a friend. It's a long story and it's not worth writing about, but she is no friend of mine. She is just an ugly person that thought she could get to me by saying that. It only made me pity her for being so ugly inside. Your mom's dream made me cry and laugh at the same time too! It was a good cry/laugh. I immediately pictured my Leilani running with them and causing trouble

They are probably best friends in Heaven.

I KNEW this was the place to let it all out. Thanks for all of your support, ladies. My favorite thing about this place is that I am never, ever alone.