regrets- child mentioned

mtm71401 · 11-16-2006, 12:44 PM

I have lost 3 of my beloved children and kept nothing of them to remember them by. I was so angry/lost after each loss that I got everything out of the house to remind me of what happened. Now I have a daughter that has 2 brothers and one unknown that she will never get to see the u/s for, she will never get to look at the family she didn't get to meet. What the hell is the matter with me? How could I throw that stuff away? I have been doing her babybook and there are all kinds of places for pics of siblings........she has siblings......but I don't have pictures of them anymore!!!!!

ETA- I have avoided this section for a long time because it always gets to me, but I felt here was the only place that someone might understand how much I regret what I have done!

annem84 · 11-16-2006, 01:20 PM

Even if you dont have pictures or a babybook--maybe you can write down what you felt or what it was like, etc. If you have given your angels names--write that down and what the name means, etc.

soaper woman · 11-16-2006, 04:01 PM

hi there! i know what you're going through...exactly! I have had 3 losses and the only thing that i ever kept was the HPT's and that's only because i hidden them away in my nightstand and forgotten about them . everything else got thrown away. it was just too painful to see those things.

there was a woman who was pregnant the same time as me in 1998. i see her beautiful daughter and i still get very sad and wonder my little 'max' would have looked like. i have a nephew who was born 2 days after my due date on my 2nd miscarriage and last week i just 'celebrated' miscarriage #3 due date. it's hard and i (we) have to deal with this every day.

i'm not sure how i would tell a child they have angelic siblings. 3 of my kids were old enough to realize i was pregnant and mourned the losses with me but the 2 year old will have no idea unless someone tells her and i don't know how to introduce that kind of death to a child so they can grasp it and understand it.

the important thing is that YOU know...and your guardian angels know. I think it would be sweet to make a journal entry about each loss. note how upset and hurt and angry you were, how your heart broke each time and how much you loved those babies even though you couldn't hold them. how you know your little angels are with you every day even though they're not physically here. you could put this in an envelope in a special box and someday, when you and your little girl are go ing through mommies memorabilia, looking at pictures of her when she was a baby, pictures of mommy and daddy etc, you can share that with her and she'll know when she's old enough to understand.

thank you for this thread. it's been cathartic for me as well. i'm going to do just what i suggested to you.

SABTeacher · 11-16-2006, 05:21 PM

Just want to send some hugs your way. It is sad that there aren't many tangible mementos to share with Presley one day, but the most important thing to share with her are your own stories and memories of those days. Make sure you write down their stats (due dates, gender) so that you have those handy one day. Also, maybe you can check with your OB or RE (whoever did the u/s's). Sometimes, they have those scans saved in a computer and can print up another copy for you. Otherwise, they may have hard copies in your file that can be photocopied.

If all else fails, find something meaningul to you that can represent your angels to share with Presley. Maybe trees in memory of each of them that Presley can help you care for one day. Or, angel Christmas ornaments that will allow you to talk about them with Presley each year. Or, maybe a little bracelet that you can get made up for Presley with each of the angels birthstones. Something like that.

Most of all, don't beat yourself up. You got rid of stuff because you had to do that to cope at the time. I know I did the same. I may have 1 u/s pic from the first baby, but I have nothing from the second. But, I do plan to share stories of these babies with Sydney when she's old enough to understand. They will be remembered by me.

Love,
Shari

SheriKCMO · 11-16-2006, 07:37 PM

I'm so sorry for your losses! Yes, I understand what's going on. We just do the best we can when things happen, and sometimes the best thing at that particular moment is to separate ourselves from the reminders... unfortunately in some cases, that means they are gone forever. But you are still here, going forward, and that's what's most important. You can tell their stories. Your heart is where those babies live. And regardless of the objects that people might be able to look at, they would learn the most from your words.

I'm sorry this happened, and I hope that it's one of those regrets that you can come to terms with and not beat yourself up over. Parenting is very difficult, whether the babies are with us or no longer.

VivC · 11-17-2006, 03:50 AM

((Tamara)). I agree that you should check with your doctor to see if there are any records you can copy.

And writing down your memories is a wonderful idea.

Please don't beat yourself up...you dealt with your pain the only way you knew how at the time. Presley will still know her siblings - through you and your memories. That means more than U/S pics ever could.

Viv

mtm71401 · 11-17-2006, 11:54 AM

Thank you so much ladies! I guess the guilt just keeps coming. I have now passed it on to DH who feels he should have dug it all out of the trash and hid it. He said he had a feeling I would want it later. I am going to call the dr today to see if he happens to have copies in the file. I am so glad for that suggestion. I wrote a letter to all of my angels last night and sealed the envelope. DH LOVED the idea about Christmas ornaments and he said he wants to be in charge of picking those out. I don't know why I thought that once I had a child that was able to stay with me that I would no longer miss my others.

Thank you so much!!!!

soaper woman · 11-22-2006, 10:57 AM

oh Tamara, good for you! I'm happy you've found a solution. Our angels are always in our hearts, but it's nice to have physical reminders, as well.