In my early & mid twenties I wasn't sure I wanted to be a Mum. I was so tied up in my friends, my boyfriend and my work that having a baby wasn't a priority.
Around about the age of 27, I started having that maternal feeling (or biological clock) that my girlfriends had been talking about. I started thinking about what a family of my own would mean. The joys and challenges of motherhood. The priviledge & frustration of raising a child. The love and the chaos. And I knew I didn't want to go through life without it.
But we wanted it to be the right time. So we worked a bit harder, saved a bit more money, did some more study. We got married, we moved house. We went overseas. It was all planned. We had a room picked out for the nursery.
We'd see babies and nudge each other knowingly. That will be us soon. As though it was that easy.
Then the diagnosis of PCOS, the maybe-diagnosis of endometriosis & a septate uterus, the ultrasounds, the blood tests, the specialists and the verdict that I would never conceive naturally. I felt like such a failure. I had planned everything down to the last detail, this couldn't be happening to me.
I started seeing a therapist to cope with the loss & depression I felt. I wanted to be like all my friends, I wanted to be "normal". I was a good person wasn't I? Why did this happen to me? I wasn't use to the complete loss of control. I felt cynical, bitter and completely unlike the person I had been before the PCOS diagnosis.
Test after test showed that yet again I had failed to ovulate. I started to hate my body not just for the extra kilos that kept creeping on and the extra hair but the inability to produce an egg. And yet all around friends announced their news, pregnant woman seemed to stalk me and every magazine showed the latest Hollywood accessory - a baby bump.
I became so down on myself that we decided to stop TTC. We needed a break. Instead we would just monitor my body & then when we felt ready we'd try again. In November I ovulated, a small miracle in itself. Then a phone call in January to discover I had also ovulated in December. Wow. 2 months in a row.
On the 26th of January it occured to me I hadn't had an AF since November. But I ovulated in December? I felt sick at the thought of another negative pregnancy test. Don't do it to yourself, I whispered. There's no way I could be pregnant. I rang the doctors should I do a test? I could almost hear the receptionist laugh "I doubt it, but there's no harm".
So casually I did, and instantly that long awaited second line appeared. A mistake. Had to be. So I did another, and another. Then I bought different brands and over the next 3 days did test after test more excited with each positive positive positive positive.
We were thrilled beyond words. Just when we thought there was no hope, you crept quietly into our lives showing us that even in your darkest days there is always hope.
We told ourselves, don't get too attached, don't get too excited. Wait for the magical 12 week mark. I started spotting but the doctor said it happens don't worry so much, I will send you for an ultrasound.
Please God, I begged don't take this baby from me. I will do anything just don't take this baby from me.
An ultrasound showed a perfectly healthy 6 week 3 day old embryo with a big strong heartbeat of 120bpm. Thump thump thump. We had worried for nothing. I couldn't take my eyes of the pulsating dot on the screen.
Our long awaited baby. Despite our warnings to ourselves we fell instantly & completely in love with you. Seeing your heartbeat continues to deeply challenge my prochoice beliefs. Because there was no denying it. There on the screen was the very beginnings of life & it was the life of our first child. Hope.
I allowed myself the luxury of buying one baby book & one baby magazine. If I made it to the next trimester I could buy some more. Every morning & every night Daddy would kiss my belly and say "Daddy loves you". For the first time in my life I felt truly beautiful.
I spoke to you constantly, rubbing my stomach that had not yet changed. I booked the hospital for the birth, my skin on my belly started to itch and I felt light headed & nauseated. My progesterone & beta levels were fantastic. We were having a baby on the 19th September 2006.
Then on the 17th February some brown spotting. I'm being paranoid again I told DH, so don't bother coming but I'm going to go to the doctor just to check. The doctor smiled at me. There's hardly anything there, he said after a pelvic exam, but I will send you for another ultrasound just in case.
Yah! I get to see our baby again. But as I walked into the room all I felt was icy cold. Suddenly I knew with every part of me that you had died.
The technician looked puzzled, it says here your 9 weeks 3 days but your baby's only measuring 7 weeks 5 days, I will just check for a heartbeat.
It's okay I replied calmly There won't be a heartbeat.
I'm so sorry she said only minutes later.
You had departed our lives in just the same way you had entered. Quietly without us knowing. And yet, just 3 weeks before you had been so alive.
Calmly I picked up the pictures, I paid the money. I got to my car. There was a voice message from DH; 'it's Daddy just checking to see how you two are going'. And then I lost it, sobbing. How on earth do I pick up the phone and tell him your gone. HOW?
Making that call was the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I went back to the doctors who wanted to schedule a D & C straight away. But I refused. I want to keep my baby I explained. But the baby has died he said gently. But I refused to give you up. I'd waited so long & wanted you so much. And so he gave me the weekend with you. I just didn't want to let you go. I loved you more then life itself.
I still feel you with me from time to time. The grief ebbs & flows, sometimes I feel only joy at the priviledge of having carried you - albeit only briefly. And yet other times the grief threatens to consume me. As raw and as real as ever.
Now I am entering some dark days again, not just because it is your due date tomorrow, but because of past issues that I'm trying to address. But once again you teach me about hope. Because there in my work diary is the 19th of September circled in red with two big red love hearts and the word - HOPE.
Its like you knew this month was going to be a tough one for me and I truly feel it is you reminding me not to give up on hope.
As hard as life can be, I'm so sorry you didn't get the chance to experience it. If it's possible for unborn children to be 'reborn' into another family, then Hope, I let you go.
You will always be our first child. We will always love you and remember you. You will always have a place in our hearts.
i am here sobbing away......oh my goodness! well said....
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Tara & Tom have been married since 10/28/2001.
They have 3 boys: Cole 5/18/2006, Hunter 5/22/2006 & Owen 02/11/2008.
They recently added 2 furball kitties to the mix - Zoe (4 years) & Sushi (currently 9 weeks) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
My prayers and thoughts are with You, and your DH.... and never forget, she might not be in your arms.. but she has never left your heart.
Tears streamed down my cheeks as i read your letter, thank you for sharing it with us.
__________________ Léa: 32yo To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. long distance BF since Dec 23rd 2007 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Epileptic : Neurontin & Tegretol PCOS : Metformin 1000mg started 01-06-2005
increased to 1500mg on 11-07-2005
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I doubt there's a dry eye here. My heart goes out to you. I hope you print that message out and put it away in memory of your baby. It truely is beautifully written and a wonderful memorial to your precious little Hope.
Oh my, that is beautiful. Thank you for touching my life and expressing your feelings, which are so similar to how I felt too. I'm so sorry you had this experience. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
__________________ Me 35 DH 36
ttc #1 since 01/05, dx 02/06 m/c #1 10/05 m/c #2 10/06 11/06 Clomid #5, aspirin bfp Betas:[12dpo=30 P4=64][15dpo=211 P4=85][19dpo=1074 P4=79] Its a BOY!!
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Thank you for sharing your letter! I cried thru the whole thing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your DH!!
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Carey(31) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Paul(43)
Married 7-25-02
PCOS Diagnosed Nov 02'
Bi Polar Diagnosed Feb 08'
Current meds~ Lithium&Celexa
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. 4 furbabies To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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Hi, thanks so much for sharing your letter with everyone..it is truely beautiful. I know how it feels to want a baby more than anything. And trust me I quit buying pg tests so long ago... All of them where BFN!!! My heart goes out to you, because I couldn't imagine all of my dreams to come true and be ripped away!!! I have to hold on to the belief someday our dreams will come true... I pray for you and I hope so much you will see that BFP again and It will result in a beatiful baby.
__________________ Kimmie To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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I too have never been pregnant, but I also have tears streaming down my face. That was absolutely beautiful!! As it is now past midnight on september 19th, I want to say- Happy birthday Hope! Many hugs and prayers to you and your dh!
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To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Married my best friend on October 14th, 2006 now trying to make him a daddy!! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
So sweet! I hope things calm down for you soon, and many hugs.
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
Remembering Hope..Due Date 19th September 
So sorry for your loss... 
