In Response to the Hate Mail

rosern1 · 12-20-2006, 07:45 PM

Thank you Therese for your understanding of where I was coming from. I am just devastated as these new rules are yet another loss for me in the myriad of losses that accompany infertility. Thank you for understanding my despair and anger.

It is obvious to me that those who accused me of being offensive were themselves having a little bit of a problem controlling their emotions. I feel that if you all who are so "offended" (which would definitely indicate that you, too, are on the "offensive") had not already returned home with your baby or babies that you, too, would be angry and upset about yet another closed door for your appearance, weight, marital status or otherwise. I have been struggling with infertility for TEN years. TEN LONG YEARS.

I have a beautiful daughter through adoption who came from a totally different world than that which I live in. Her birth mother was very young, already the mother of three kids (she had the first at age 15), homeless, uneducated, abused, without family support. SHE CHOSE ME HERSELF, in person, to be the mother to Stephanie. I have done all I can to nurture and foster Stephanie's love and respect for her home of origin and her birthmother. I wrote and had published a book for her about her birthmom, how she came to live with Mommy and Daddy and her stops in between. And emphasis about how she was adopted because her birthmother loved her so much.

I am asked frequently by my daughter for a sibling which I cannot give her myself. She cannot understand why I just can't have one like everyone else's mom. She saw Chinese adoption on TV and started asking for a Chinese sibling, a "China" baby as she called it. Graduate school was not a good time to adopt, so we waited until now to start the process and background work again concerning China adoption. Now, I can't do it because of yet another door slammed in my face. For what reason?? Weight and a deformed lip. No, I don't think that makes my husband any less of a good parent. He is a wonderful father and Stephanie is daddy's little girl. And YES, I do think the rules are backwards and WRONG and saying that does not in any way demean anyone's child. It is a statement against the government.

One of you said that if I were to have only experienced what you've experienced in adopting from China that maybe I would see things differently. Well, maybe if YOU would have experienced the despair I felt at yet another option shot to hell last night that you would understand where I am coming from. Maybe if your child was not already home with you in America, than you would be a little more understanding of my point of view. Walk a mile in my shoes, they say.

NO ONE was attacking anyone's baby's homeland. It is the GOVERNMENT that makes the rules, not the people. Unfortunately, China is a COMMUNIST country that oppresses its people. Communism is a backwards government. Not just backwards, it is just plain evil. Millions have died because of communist control. Millions (billions in China) do not have freedom because of the oppression of Communism in the world. It has been tried and failed repeatedly in history. Freedom is where its at and freedom can be found (for the most part) here in America. If your child wasn't adopted by wonderful people like you she would also live under communist rule and would be oppressed.

Chinese people are not the problem. The government is the issue. The government controls the people but the government is not the people. Why do you think those people handed you gifts as you adopted your child from their homeland? Because they know first-hand how hard (and sometimes deadly) it is to live under Communism. They are happy your child now has a chance to live freely.

Fact is, if it wasn't for this oppression, all of you who adopted from China would not have been so blessed by these beautiful children in the first place. It is the oppression of family and reproductive rights that forces these parents to surrender their children in the first place. "One child rule." How many of you think that if our country's government instituted the "one child rule" here that you would be proud of it? Again, you do not have to like everything a country does to love its people. I, personally, would be ashamed of my country for creating a "one child rule," as ashamed as I am for this country continuing to support abortion. Life is devalued, PEOPLE are devalued through oppression of individual rights. This is what communism does.

It is not disrespectful, racist or whatever other accusatory names/adjectives were used against me to state that the new rules that will take effect May 1 are discriminatory themselves in nature. It is their right to impose new rules. No one is saying they can't. But I don't have to agree with them. And simply because other countries also have discriminatory rules does not make China's new rules any easier to swallow.

As to me being racist. You don't know me and have no right to say that. One statement written in a very emotional moment when I was in sheer agony and I am accused, tried and convicted. Finding out the new rules was like having a miscarriage or a death. Yet another lost dream, another baby that could of been that now won't be. I wrote that in SHEER PAIN hoping to get some support. Instead I got slapped in the face by the majority of you. You, of all people, people I know who have experienced first hand the heartache and devastation of infertility d/t PCOS and/or whatever should KNOW how I feel. I hoped for comfort and instead got more heart ache.

I am a nurse (an NP to be exact) I take good, quality care of a diverse population in both a rural and higher class suburban long term care facility. I do understand cultural difference and apply them to the care of my residents. I personally take offense at being called racist and I also think that term is used too loosely these days. You do not need to embrace everything everyone does in order to not be racist or discriminatory. Where are values? Where is the value of human life in China where baby girls are disposed of simply for being female? Can you honestly say to yourself that the valuing males over females in Chinese cultures is a good thing? If you can, there is something truly wrong with that. But I will just bet you can't because that would devalue your child.

The Chinese are wonderful people. In fact, our soldiers fought WITH Chinese soldiers in WWII to fight for freedom against the Japanese. Unfortunately, after WWII, a civil war gave control of China to the Communists. But the dream of freedom did not die. Chinese still dream of freedom and thousands of college students took a stand in 1989 and were MASSACRED by the "wonderful" Chinese government to oppress the students. I do not have to like, love or embrace Tiananmen Square or any other negative about Chinese culture and heritage in order to love the people and to love a Chinese child. Foot binding was common until very recently too. A part of culture because small feet were considered sexually attractive to men. But was this a correct thing to do? Currently in the world, there are countries that perform female circumcision. Am I to embrace this or be called racist????

I am a good, Christian woman who practices nursing (nurse practitioner to be exact). I love all people and find people fascinating. Governments are not people. They happen to be made up of people but are not the people themselves. How many of you love your friends, relatives, neighbors but hate the government of this country sometimes?? A lot of you I bet. To say you hate something about our country's government is not a shot against the people. We reasonably know that the people didn't do it. Sure, we voted whoever is in office in, but we can't be held accountable for their actions after they get there.

Our own country has nasty skeletons in its closet. But there is a constant drive and push to do better. Remember slaverly? Not here anymore. That was oppression. Do you think we should be PROUD of slaverly? Why not? Part of our heritage. I personally, am NOT proud of slaverly even though MY heritage did not take part in it because my anscestors came through Elllis Island in the 1800s. But I am still not proud of that black mark on this wonderful country's history. IT WAS NOT A GOOD THING . OPPRESSION of anyone is not a good thing.

I happen to know well a local restaurant owner who came to America seeking freedom many decades ago. He started with nothing and worked his butt off. He now owns two restaurants in Northern Kentucky (www.OrientalWok.com and is very wealthy. He would have much to say about why you should not LOVE the Chinese government. He and his family personally experienced it. He and his family escaped Communist rule and came to America for FREEDOM. He loves his homeland but hates what has become of it. He has huge panoramic pictures of China emblazened on the wall. If not for the freedom America gives, he would not be the thriving business owner with the million dollar mansion in Crescent Springs, KY that he is. NO, money isn't all there is but his success is a sure indicator of his freedom (and personal drive). He is the best manager I have ever seen and constantly nurtures his business through the nurturing of his customers. He would not have been able to do this in China. Just ask him. Stop in some time if you live around here. He LOVES to chat and is there EVERYDAY ALL DAY and will personally stop by your table and might even give you a free drink or dessert. So, YES, I can love the people but hate the government.

If I didn't love the people, would I give a darn if they were oppressed or not?? NO!

I don't feel I have to agree with everything China does or says in order to have an understanding of it. I respect their right to rule their people as they see fit. But I cannot and will not condone oppression and Communism. Communism is pure evil. Communism does not permit a country to grow because people cannot grow when they are oppressed and the success of citizens is what makes a country grow.

How in the world do you think we got where we are here in America??? FREEDOM. Sure, we are not perfect, we have many problems and oppression is alive and well here but we do not condone it or help oppression grow. We, as a nation, put a stop to oppression whenever we see it and where ever we see it. It is the best place to live in the world and YES your daughters are lucky to have been given parents in America and the chance to grow up in a free society. No, I do not think you "rescued" them or anything like that so don't go there. I just happen to think that being raised in America is a BLESSING and the fact that they are now AMERICANS is something to be darn happy about.

Communism is a small speck on the face of Chinese history as Chinese history is thousands of years old. Communism is a relatively new thing to China (post WWII). But the fact remains that the current government IS Communist and the current Communist regime made the rules. I love Chinese history but like the history of any country, I don't have to agree with everything that happened. I love Chinese art, music, writings. Chinese history is fascinating, interesting and very long and is a wealth of information. Chinese culture is an off shoot of the history as that is how culture develops. I happen to hate Communism. Saying Communism is a bad thing says nothing bad about these beautiful girls (and some boys). They are not to blame.

In Love of All God's Children in the World.

Thanks.
Rose

rosern1 · 12-20-2006, 08:12 PM

Why Mike Wong loves America

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Steve Ivey
Post staff reporter

When Mike Wong opened Northern Kentucky's first Chinese restaurant in 1977, friends had to convince him to close even for Thanksgiving. For that holiday, everybody cooks at home, they told him.
Now Wong, described by daughter Susanna as a "hard-core worker," only closes his two restaurants on two other occasions annually: Christmas and the Fourth of July.

That's how much America's Independence Day means to the Chinese immigrant.

And so for the Fourth, Wong will feast on hamburgers and hot dogs with his family before they shoot off fireworks at dusk.

"This country was founded by the families," he said. "They made it what it is -- the best country in the world."

As he reflects on the holiday that means so much to him, the naturalized American explains how he became such a U.S. patriot.

He's had the opportunity to compare governmental systems living under three of them.

Wong's father was a successful banker until he lost everything after China's Communist revolution in 1949. In 1958, Wong boarded a train to the southern tip of China with one Chinese dollar and a card bearing his grandmother's address in Hong Kong.

He took a 10-cent ferry ride to Hong Kong and lived in the crown colony under the British monarchy until 1972.

"In Hong Kong, I would read the newspapers and magazines about how great America was -- the environment, the friendly people," Wong said. "When I heard these stories, I knew I had to get there and see for myself."

In 1972, Wong got approval to emigrate to the United States and work in his cousin's Dragon Inn restaurant in Cincinnati.

He lived in the U.S. for a year before returning to Hong Kong to be with his wife, Helen, and daughters, Susanna and Angela. He spent two years working, saving money, before he and his family came to America for good in 1975.

Wong left a small, three-bedroom apartment in a Hong Kong high-rise for a home in Mason.

"I had acres of land, four bedrooms, a two-car garage, and the bus stopped at my driveway every day to take my daughters to school," he said. "This is how nice it was."

In 1977, he opened his own restaurant -- choosing Northern Kentucky as a market because it had such limited Asian food options.

The Oriental Wok is consistently rated one of the best Asian food restaurants in the tri-state.

"This is truly an immigrant's country," Wong, 63, said. "They give everybody an equal opportunity."

Now he owns two restaurants, two homes in Northern Kentucky and a Mercedes. Both his daughters have master's degrees. Nov. 3, 2002 was Mike and Helen Wong Day in Fort Mitchell.

The American Dream.

"Not bad for a poor kid who didn't know English," said.

He went to Washington, D.C., to be named 2003 Business Man of the Year by the National Republican Congressional Committee's Business Advisory Council. And, he's hosted events for Democratic U.S. House candidate Nick Clooney.

"I guess he should probably pick a side," said Angela Wong. "But to him, it's just so cool to be a part of democracy like that."

It's that kind of freedom Wong said he appreciates most.

"Here, people can elect our own government," he said. "There is truly freedom of speech. In China, they say they have freedom of speech, but it's just a show. They only want to listen to the compliments. If you criticize them too much, they throw you in jail."

That's a lesson he's not shy to impart to his American-born, teen-aged busboys, daughter Susanna said.

"Every once in a while, he'll hear one of them say something bad about America," she said. "He'll bring them over and make sure they know how good they've really got it here."

In an era of increasing opposition to American policies, Wong said it's important for him to maintain his love of country.

"We have a little trouble here and there," he said. "But the whole country -- the government, the political system -- it's the best. It's just the best."

CherryPopTart · 12-21-2006, 02:42 AM

am0rcita · 12-21-2006, 03:34 AM

As a trans-racial adoptee, I know first-hand that cultural competency is the key to successfully integrating a child of a different race/ethnicity/country of origin into a family. This cultural competency requires the adjustment or acknowledgement of the inherent bias of your own beliefs/culture that you use to define the 'other.'

Cultural competency: A competency based on the premise of respect for individuals and cultural differences, and an implementation of a trust-promoting method of inquiry.

If you feel vitriol towards China, you should not adopt from there PERIOD. A trans-racially adopted child is already likely to feel alienated while being forced to assimilate in the USA, especially if he/she is not able to explore the ideologies, values and culture of his/her country of origin. Your lack of knowledge and/or compassion towards that child's country of origin is sure to breed animosity and potentially self-loathing that can be described as internalized racial oppression.

Internalized racism is the situation that occurs in a racist system when a racial group oppressed by racism [e.g. trans-racial adoptee] supports the supremacy and dominance of the dominating group by maintaining or participating in the set of attitudes, behaviors, social structures and ideologies [i.e. assimilation] that undergird the dominating group's power .

The Western viewpoint is not the only or right way to see the world. Without a desire to understand, I fear that you will not be successful raising a child from another race/ethnicity/country of origin.

The Mavin Foundation has learning resources regarding trans-racial adoptions.

georgy · 12-21-2006, 04:30 AM

great OP...now I'll need to have a look back and see what the hell it was all about to start with

but honestly, very good points and very well put.

patu · 12-21-2006, 05:56 AM

God is in control. There is a reason why your journey to adopt from China did not work out. There are so many other countries full of children in the orphanage who wait for a family. It looks like God wants you to adopt from somewere els. Your frustration is understandable. I truly feal your pain and you are in my praiers so that God would show you the way to go and hold you in His arms during that journey.

About the comments about China. Well, how would you feal if I (non-American) would post something like that about your country? Everyone is patriot of their country, and it should be like that. Americans are very in love about their country and it is fantastic feature, same time others in the world may have not so happy thought about America. Me included, but I would never-ever post anything negative about another country, nation, goverment etc in the public board. It is simply not polite. I have lived first 15 years of my life in the communist country. It is not nice way to live, but still China has chosen their way to go, we who live somewere els should just accept it.

georgy · 12-21-2006, 06:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by patu

God is in control. There is a reason why your journey to adopt from China did not work out. There are so many other countries full of children in the orphanage who wait for a family. It looks like God wants you to adopt from somewere els. Your frustration is understandable. I truly feal your pain and you are in my praiers so that God would show you the way to go and hold you in His arms during that journey.

About the comments about China. Well, how would you feal if I (non-American) would post something like that about your country? Everyone is patriot of their country, and it should be like that. Americans are very in love about their country and it is fantastic feature, same time others in the world may have not so happy thought about America. Me included, but I would never-ever post anything negative about another country, nation, goverment etc in the public board. It is simply not polite. I have lived first 15 years of my life in the communist country. It is not nice way to live, but still China has chosen their way to go, we who live somewere els should just accept it.

Oh Bollocks! Stop bringing religion into stuff....not everyone believes that theres a god in control of peoples lives. If you want to start all that stuff, take it to the religion section and let the OP post her stuff!

dna · 12-21-2006, 08:37 AM

Rose...

I am sorry but when you slam a country no matter which one it is and no matter which "part" of the country you are going to get some negative feedback like you did.

All of us here on the adoption board or most of us have gone thru a devastating loss or 7, a long long long wait to adopt or maybe we were unable to adopt from a country becuz of a rule or 2 that country imposed (like us, Nepal - Korea - Thailand - Russia )

Yes I have a 4 year old son adopted successfully from Ukraine and a daughter 9 months adopted successfully from China. We are hoping still to expand our family but our options are becoming smaller and smaller. What can we do ? nothing ....

We also keep getting doors slammed in our face but we will persevere and complete our family. And yes everytime we find out we cannot adopt it does feel completely like a loss. Actually the first time we decided on adoption, we decided on China and we were so so so excited and SLAM ! you are only 26 !! China requires you to be 30 !! I was devastated

In my humble opinion I dont think even still after reading this post that you should consider China. You have alot of anger (not sure if this is temporary due to your upset about the new rules) towards the China government and while I agree they dont bring on lots of rosey, fuzzy feelings and thoughts they are who they are.

I wish you all the best in adopting a second child. I really do. Noone should feel their family is incomplete.

~*~Michelle~*~ · 12-21-2006, 11:07 AM

Rose, I feel for you & think you should be able to express your feelings w/out condemnation. In no way were you condemning their culture or people. We hear on a daily basis negativity against our gov't. There's a difference between condemning the gov't & condemning the people/culture of China. I'm not sure why people can't get past that & see that you could raise a child & share their culture & life of the people w/out agreeing w/the gov't of that country. It's not any different than adopting a domestic child & disagreeing w/the current gov't...are you going to be an awful parent because you love the people & homeland of your domestic child but disagree w/the gov't? I completely understand how you are seperating the 2 & I don't think there's anything wrong w/that. As far as the remark about you being racial yesterday I went back & read your post SEVERAL times trying to figure out where that came from. I didn't see it. It's interesting how people tell women who have had a m/c or something like to mourn their loss, but can feel no compassion when something like this happens. If your heart has led you to a specific country & you are vested in that country it's so similar to a m/c or losing a baby that will never be. Yes, there are outher countries that you can adopt from, & I'm sure you'll start looking into those countries, but mourn your loss because that's what it is. I'm sure I'll get flamed for my comments & that's ok. We all have a right to express how we feel. BTW georgy, Rose did mention that she's a Christian & that is probably why Tina mentioned God & prayer. I will be praying for you also, Rose.

georgy · 12-21-2006, 11:22 AM

thanks, I re-read the OP and realised that eventually. I do think that there is too much 'give control to god' talk in some posts though, but in this case, it was relevent I suppose.

Sorry