Returning sister - possible m/c

Kachina · 07-26-2004, 09:50 AM

Hi there, probably many of you won't remember me but I am returning to the Forum after some time away from here.
I have PCOS, was diagnosed 4-5 years ago, and been actively trying for about 3-4 years now to conceive baby number 1.
I had a HSG which proved my tubes are fine. I had several rounds of Clomid, which just seemed to make me Clomid resistant, as it never made me ovulate. My ovulation pattern is very hit and miss. I then had Ovarian Drilling, where they drill holes in your ovaries....but as soon as I had the drilling, the other specialist (not the one I have now) put me straight back on Clomid - she said to try to kick start my ovaries.....although it had the opposite effect and made me resistant. I have since had one go at the Ovulation Induction Injections, and whilst at first that looked promising and by Day 11 I had two decent follicles, by day 12 they were shrinking, so the treatment was stopped. (That was in April/May this year)> So, my Specialist sent me away with the dreaded Metformin (only saying dreaded because when I tried it a few years ago I had violent diarrhoea and some nausea. Anyway, was dreading going on it so I didnt start when I should have, and so I guess I was taking it for almost 4 weeks (but only 1 tablet a day) when I had sore nipples, and constipation. (Didn't twig at first). Anyway, put them down to the fact my period was due, but after 4 days of bad period pains and no bleeding at all, I thought something wasnt right. Did a HPT and it was a feint positive! I was sooo shocked I had to get my mum to come and check it was actually there and I wasn't imagining it. Anyway, did a second the next day and that was positive too. Went to the Doctors, who insisted on doing yet another urine test, but didnt get the results back for 5 days - in which time I had started to bleed. Had two days of heavy bleeding, clotting, and bad pains. (ALTHOUGH this is how my periods usually are anyway, so it wasnt any different). After the bad 2 days, no clots, less blood and hardly any pain. Then, I seem to have been bleeding on and off for the last 5 days- albeit not heavy and no pain or clots.
I was so worried, because of the positive results, that I phoned the specialist in the end because I couldn't get my results back from the Doctor (receptionist very unhelpful and quite nasty!) and so rang the Specialist at Whiston Hospital, and they told me to come straight in and they would scan me. They did a test to check if I had ovulated, which showed I had, and it could have been successful, but as I would only be about 4-5 weeks at the time they scanned, could not see anything - but I was bleeding very heavily at the time. They sent me for a blood test (which I am awaiting the results of) and told me that it didnt look good and they thought I was miscarrying, but to go away and come back in a week and they would check the bloodwork results and maybe scan me again to see if they could pick up on anything.
Since then, my nipples are not sore, the constipation has gone, and so I dont think it is looking good.
I had one good bit of news, which was that the Doctors results came back positive - so I KNOW now that I was actually pregnant, even if I am not now. My close family say to look on the bright side and that it is amazing that I have conceived with hardly any help - just a small low dose of Met, and so I should be really ecstatic about this fact alone, which I guess I am really, although I feel very sad about the fact that it looks like I got pregnant after all this time, and all the medical intervention I have had, only to miscarry and lose my chance.
I have to go back on Wednesday morning to check the bloodworks and maybe have a scan to see what's there if anything, and the worst of it is as I have been on the waiting list for IVF for the past 15 months, my name must be coming near to the top of the list because I have had a letter and appointment to go for an Information Evening, where they discuss your possible treatments relating to IVF. Yes, you guessed it....its wednesday evening! (Not sure I will be in any fit state) My other half is trying to keep me upbeat and thinking positive, and usually I am a very positive person, but I just don't "feel" like I did last week and the week before when I was pregnant, so I don't think the news will be good. I know I didnt even realise at first I was pregnant, but then things kinda clicked into place....and now that I don't feel the same at all I am sure that the Specialist is right and maybe I have had an early miscarriage. I surprised myself, because I have been quite strong about it all for a few days, but then on Friday night and Saturday morning I felt like my heart was breaking and just cried myself to sleep.
I know the conception is a good sign, because its proved I finally did it on my own, but I still feel sad at the thought that I have lost. I know you will probably laugh and think it is totally normal, but I just feel like I should be feeling happy....but inside I am not.
I guess I must be going through grief at losing this chance, but then again once *that* is confirmed I think I can be sad, then move on. I think I know deep down that I have miscarried (or at least that is what I feel) but as it hasn't been confirmed yet I guess I can#t quite deal with it and then move on.
Has anyone else been through this, and how did they cope? And is there anyone out there with a happy ending after an experience like this?? Please someone reassure me. Best wishes and love to all, Kachina xx

SilverFairy · 07-26-2004, 12:12 PM

((((((((Kachina)))))))) You should not feel silly or wrong.. regardless if you finally concieved...right now your still going through the What-if's? it's not easy and being strong isn't for all of us.. It's hard and I will tell you that if anyone tell's you to just get over it they are sadly misinformed.. You don't just get over the loss of a Pregnancy.. I don't care if you only knew for 2days.. it's a very sad, frustrating and disheartening thing! I don't know your Beta Number's...and sometimes they can't see anything at 4-5weeks...but the bleeding to me sounds like you have already or are going through a loss.. I am so sorry you have to go through that.. Please grieve which ever way you think is best..and don't feel silly... or that you should be happy you concieved..yes it is a good walk in the right direction..but it doesn't mean you should be ok with it..or happy about it. I don't know everything about PCOS... I good a small portion..but if the met helped you concieve..then maybe that is your ticket to a full term PG. You may need something else..but that has you getting pregnant..I'm not a DR. though..I'm sure someone who know's alot more can give you some advice... again I am very sorry you have to deal with any of this.. sending healing prayers your way!

Kachina · 07-26-2004, 12:30 PM

Thanks Silverfairy,
I really appreciate someone telling me Im not abnormal for feeling like I do - and it is hard at the minute for me.....I feel torn between feeling upset, and then think I should be happy really.
Anyway, I guess I will know more Wednesday after the bloodworks and the scan. Until then, I have to have patience (not a virtue of mine) and wait.
THanks for the words of advice, and encouragement, and many thanks for the Hug.....Hugs come in all shapes and sizes, and always make you feel better!
Many thanks for your reply.....it is appreciated.
Best wishes to you, Kachina xx

SilverFairy · 07-26-2004, 12:59 PM

I'm glad that I could help even if it was small... YOu will be in my thoughts!!

AvivaElona · 07-26-2004, 02:29 PM

Hugs
Of course no one will laugh. What a roller coaster of emotion you must have right now, after trying so hard for so long to know you can conceive is wonderful, but no matter how early its always a terrible loss to lose a baby...and so hard when you don't even have that certainty yet.

I'm hoping for a miracle for you but if its not to be this time, then take time to grieve your loss and to miss your baby.

Aviva

Kachina · 07-27-2004, 06:25 AM

Thanks Eviva
I am touched at the responses I have got, and wonder why I ever left the comfort and support of this wonderful forum inthe first place! It seems like I am destined to be here....for the moment anyway, and I certainly need to know that Im not going mad and it is perfectly natural to feel how I do. Hopefully, once I have an absolutely accurate answer on Wednesday, I can deal with it and move on.....I guess the not knowing is the bad part for me because as with the PCOS, not having a label at first meant I didnt know what I was facing/dealing with, and so couldnt prepare myself for the fight. Once I know, Im sure I will cope whatever happens. Que sera, sera and all that.
Thanks for your support....I really needed it at the moment.
I am keeping my fingers (and toes) crossed for you....and hope that things go well for you this time - which I am sure they will!
Take care, Love and hugs Kachina xx

Kachina · 07-28-2004, 11:02 AM

Well, its official.....they didnt scan me.....said they knew by the bloodworks and my bleeding that it was only an early pregnancy, and that I had miscarried. I think they said my Hcg level was 36 and my Progesterone level was only 1.4 (and they like to see it at over 60 or something like that).
So, I now am back on Metformin....1 tablet a day for a week, 2 a day for week 2, and then 3 a day after that. Waiting for next AF and if AF comes in August (dependant on when as my Specialist is away) I get to go for a scan on Day 12/13 to see if I am producing an egg and if its ok and may be released.
She has said she will keep an eye on me, so I guess thats one good thing, and the other good thing is that I *WAS* pregnant (by some major fluke) and the Metformin worked!! Hopefully, this won't be a one-off fluke and the Met will work again and I *WILL* have a better result next time. I can only hope and pray, and meantime try to get my head around what has happened I guess and find my own way to cope.

I have the Information Evening at the IVF Hospital tonight......bad timing eh!! Finding out that I have definitely miscarried today, and having to go and pretend I am all excited about my IVF treatment which will be at some stage in the near future.
I know this sounds really off and cynical, but I guess I cant be expected to just forget that I just lost a *whatever* - my little peanut (however young) will always still be a baby to me.....and I guess that whatever terminology they use doesnt matter in that respect.

Anyway, trying to be positive but its not easy.....hopefully it will get easier and next time round hoping to have a better result.
Best wishes to all, especially in these situations
Love Kachina xx