Rock Bottom

Emaline · 11-08-2006, 11:13 AM

I’m pretty depressed right now. Probably the lowest I’ve ever been in my entire life. I have REALLY been trying to be optimistic about TTC with PCOS, but I’ve hit a personal ‘rock bottom’. Please bear with my attempt at written catharsis. I just want to get it all out.

First of all, I’m pi$$ed off that it took me eight months to get referred to a gynecologist for my symptoms. Secondly, I’m irate because it took another 4 months of poking and prodding to be ‘officially’ diagnosed. After a year of just waiting and testing, I naively thought that I could actually start to successfully ttc. NOPE. Not a chance.

I think what bothers me most is that I had so much hope and it’s dwindled away to nothing. I was put on Metformin and was excited to see what looked like OVs on my BBT charts looked. I went through an HSG and was told my tubes were clear! My DH even went on a BD-a-thon, hoping that this time, THIS TIME, we could do it.

So, when I go to my doctor, happy, with charts in hand, he says that the radiologist said that he feels I should get a hysteroscopy done to check for polyps. I’d also have to have another pelvic ultrasound done. When I tried to show him my charts, my source of hope and happiness, he pushed them out of the way.

He says that he will not go to the next of fertility treatment without the hysteroscopy. He says it’ll take two months just to get me in there. I had SO much hope. Now I feel like a sack of coal. I’ve had the wind kicked out of me and all I can do is cry. Add to this, my work life is less than spectacular.

I don’t know how to cope.

Thanks for listening.

Monita · 11-08-2006, 02:13 PM

I am sorry you are going through all this. I can understand you very well as for me it has been more than 1 year of trying with even 3 different doctors, hearing different suggestions, IUI, Hysterosalpingogram, ultrasounds, ovaries drill and laparoscopy, tons of medications, etc.

It is frustrating in all levels, because it affects you in your personal life, economy ( as it is a lot of money involved ) and it makes you upset that something that is supposed to work so normally in all women, is not working for you.

I just can say that, as with any fight, you may need to "re-group", take some air, and go again into the battlefield. If you feel too exhausted, take some time off, go to a vacation, try to clear your mind. If you feel strong and motivated enough, then just start preparing for the next step, but try not to give to it so much time and importance to this all TTC process. I mean, of course you need to go to the doctor, follow instructions, make your best, but do not make this your only objective every day. The more you feel stressed about this, the more you will feel depressed and upset.

I know it is not easy, but in this struggle to get PG while having PCOS, you need to win little battles. You have already won some ( you have already made studies and are already diagnosed ). Eventually you will be able to win the complete war, but you needed to advance step by step.

I wish you good luck, and consider if you can take some days off. When you come back with renewed energy, you will be ready for your next step.

Take care !

LucyLu · 11-08-2006, 06:28 PM

Emmy, I wish there were some magic words I could say that would make you feel better, but as a life long sufferer of depression/anxiety I know how desperate one can feel when they see rock bottom flying up at them.

Know this though, with faith, you can cope, and you can survive, all that is thrown your way...and I am not pushing God, simply a belief in yourself and your strength. I know how hard that is too, because I have struggled with self esteem issues as far back as I can remember.

I think the idea of stepping away from the whole thing right now may be best, take the time it will take to get the appointment your doc is insisting on to regroup and allow yourself to breathe and learn to function with this new knowledge.

Give your troubles away as best as you can for a bit, and see if you can find the silver lining...and hey, if you need to just talk, there are people here (myself, included) who I am sure would open their email box to you. Sometimes for me, writing out all of my hurt helps ease the pain within, even if I only write it in a notebook.

Good luck, but please don't give up on yourself.