 It's been a while...
It has been quite some time since I posted anywhere on these forums but with lack of internet, I didn't have much choice.
I feel like I'm stuck in a life where all my decisions are based on what I think is right and not what I feel is right. Back in September, I left my husband. Our marriage had become so routine that I felt no love for him anymore. I moved into a small apartment, ready to start my life over again. Because I wasn't making much money, a divorce wasn't in the cards just yet.
I met a guy at work that I started hanging out with more and more. We were really good friends to start. Towards the end of November, things in all aspects of my life were at an all time low point and I tried to take my own life. I called my friend for help and he took me to a hospital where I spent about a week. They diagnosed me with bipolar disorder.
About Christmas time, my friend and I became more than just friends. Before I even realized it, he was moved into my apartment with me. The first month was really great. I felt more for him than I have anyone else in such a long time. Yeah, I guess you could say I loved him. I did.
After a while, he became very insecure about himself and our relationship. Every mistake I made was thrown in my face every chance he got. Every mistake his ex made was thrown in my face with him accusing me of doing it sometime in the future. I mentioned a few times how much it hurt and bothered me but nothing changed. The last week of our relationship, which was just last week, was really rough. I spent most of my time crying and wishing I was successful the time I tried to take my life.
For about the last month, I've been in a dark place, that's really my only way describing it. I was high on pain pills and drunk on beer pretty much every day. I had no job, no way of paying bills or rent. Every job interview I had, there was always someone more qualified for the job and I was left starting over again.
Because I hadn't been taking my medication, I missed my period this month and no matter how many times I explained this to my boyfriend, he insisted I was lying and that I was pregnant. No matter how many negative home tests he saw, I was still lying and doing exactly what his ex did. I finally couldn't take it anymore and I left. It was a really hard break up because I still love him. I can't eat and I barely sleep.
I'm moving back home, with my husband. I still don't love him, and he knows that. I make no promises about things ever being the way they were. Its so hard to even try to love my husband again when I'm hurting so much from things not working with the ex boyfriend that I really did love.
I feel uncomfortable here. My husband and I are getting along fine, as friends. I don't feel anything more than that for him. He really is a great man. He's not pressuring me and forgives me for everything that happened while I was gone. I feel so awful that I can't love him the way he still loves me.
I think coming back home is the right decision but it just doesn't feel right at this point in time. I guess the only thing to do is give it more time and see what happens.
I just can't see real love and happiness ahead. I still barely eat or sleep and I cry most of the time. I wish I could tell my heart who to love, it would be a whole lot easier...
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