It's offiially taken over my life

bec415 · 02-03-2008, 08:34 AM

Ok, I'm at my breaking point now. As long as I stay in hiding or only put myself in situations where I know I'll be comfortable, I'm ok. But there are times that I want so much to be "normal." Like last night my bridal shower should have been a great experience, I was anxious, extrememly overwhelmed, froze, didn't talk except for some nervous laughing, couldn't bring myslef to participate in any games, was holding back tears, had to excape to the bathroom and hide a few times, and was just wishing it would be over the whole time.
I'm afraid people thought I was rude for not being friendly and chatty or greeting them at the door. I just wanted to be upbeat, I wanted to be involved in the party and I just want to be involved in life

I feel like I have no control over this, despite my intentions and how I want to act, the anxiety takes over. I was tired, only 6 hours sleep the night before and I often get hit with a strong feeling of depression by late afternoon if I don't get at least 8 hours so that had something to do with it. But I think it was mainly anxiety, social anxiety of all the new faces and big personalites....I had 4 friends there and there were about 15 of DF's female relatives I had never met before. But it just didn't make sense for me to be so anxious, I was so happy that my friends drove 6 hours from Jersey just to be there for me...

So maybe it's time to give in and start medications.

stellarnix · 02-03-2008, 11:47 AM

There are some great meds out there that will help with this. No reason to suffer. Just remember that it may take some time to find the one that is right for you. Don't give up too soon. Hope you find what you need. Take care.

KrisMichelle · 02-03-2008, 04:38 PM

I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad time, that sucks. I get those same feelings. I want so badly to be able to join in on the fun and chatting but I fear people will notice the things I'm ashamed of. I hide in my house for the most part and dont feel comfortable to go out until the sun is setting.. it breaks me and makes me so depressed. No one understands why I hide away and I'm not like I used to be (which was the life of the party) I only open up and let myself out from under the bed around certain people that I've known forever. PCOS has ruined my life.. but it's only now, since I've found this site that I am trying to deal with all of this and live my life with PCOS rather than letting PCOS live my life for me, which is much easier said than done. Some days are better than others.. and the good days are still not what I want them to be but with hope things will only get better... so I'm told lol. I hope you find your strength and comfort, god knows we're all good women that should and deserve to be happy and live life the way it's meant to be lived. I'm starting to learn that I AM beautiful, we all are.. and just becasue other people cant see it or wont doesn't mean that we shouldn't. Why do we give so many the power to break us down? The way I see it is there are so many people in this world that are gonna look at you and think hmmm she's ugly, she's fat, she's this and blah blah blah.. why feed into that and allow them to win? Why do to yourself what they are trying to do? We are all better than that and we need to realize that before it's to late, before we're to far gone.. idk I'm gonng stop rambling lol sorry.

Kalyn · 02-03-2008, 07:49 PM

Mine is not severe...YET. I think mine is do to the medication I started in December. Within the last month I have noticed myself agitated, nervous and at times I get to the point where I just want to bawl. I work with the public, so this is very hard for me. Tomorrow I am calling my nurse and going to see what my options are. I was NEVER one to be nervous in crowds and lastnight at the grocery store I just wanted to run away. This was just at the grocery store, all I could think was what am I going to do this summer with all the concerts we go to, and I am suppose to go on vacation in June.

Have you talked to anyone as far as a family member or a close friend about this? Up until yesterday I was holding mine in and I finally broke down to my mom and my boyfriend and both agreed I need to get help. I was afraid to say anything to anyone, and so far that is the best thing I did.

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your bridal shower the way you should have. I hope that you are able to take that step and get the help that you need. *hugs*

SnowFlower · 02-05-2008, 08:36 PM

Hugs. I felt like that and finally got on medicine for my panic attacks and anxiety. I cant say it has helped 100% and I am happy and cheerful all the time but it does help a lot.

bec415 · 02-06-2008, 04:45 PM

I'm looking back at the situation now, a few days later. And I have to say that it's not everyday that I'm in a situation like I was at the bridal shower. I was the center of attention, all eyes on me, in a room with about 20 new faces and BIG personalities! Also, having to go way out of my comfort zone, wear a stupid "bride to be" tiarra etc. So I'm going to say that in this particular situation, my anxiety, freezing up, wanting to cry and run may not make me that unusual. I wish, I didn't feel like that and could handle these things but it also wansn't like a pannic attack that came out of nowhere. (which has happned many times) I wonder if there's something I could take only occasionaly, when I know I'll be walking into a situation like this? I did have a glass of wine before I arrived, but obviously that didn't help.

Kaylyn: yes, DF knows all about my issues with anxiety and depression. He's very understanding and a great listener but I think he tries to make me feel better and says there's nothing wrong with you. He doesn't think I should be on meds, he says things like you need to get out of that job etc.

calmwaters · 02-11-2008, 06:06 AM

Aw bec, I think you're right about the situational anxiety. I get that too, especially when I am the center of attention. My wedding and reception were really hard for me, expect I doubt anyone noticed, I really tried to hold it together and yes a FEW glasses of wine helped. Alcohol is my social lubricant! Good thing I don't have very many parties.

HUGS, feel better...

Monita · 02-11-2008, 06:00 PM

Hello Hun

Reading you was like reading myself sometimes, in social situations. Anxiety sucks and I have just posted a thread announcing I am heading to therapy... because there is no way a person can live under such anxiety.

The funny part with me is that the same anxiety happens sometimes, not all the time. I can be a reunions and family / friends gathering and be the "soul of the party" and the next time, just freeze and struggle to hide my hands from shaking, etc. it is really hard.

I tend to get more nervous with people who had more authority like my boss or people I have not seen for long and they are kinda expecting the same cheerful, sparkling person I was. I am afraid they will see the nervous version of me.

Hun, I am going for help and I strongly suggest you do. I think it is hard to finally decide we need help. I am sure therapy and maybe some drugs will help ( possibly only therapy, that is my wish ).

My uncle had mental issues, extreme anxiety, depression and tried to kill himself several times. At his time the only solution was electroshocks which eventually left him more damaged. I am sad for him ( he finally rests at peace since he passed away last year ) but I am compelled to take the opportunity of knowing that we live in a time we have more treatments to defeat anxiety and depression, and that if they are there, we should take them and not waste any more time....

Hugs hun. You are not alone.

bec415 · 02-12-2008, 11:43 AM

I will definitely be going for counseling in a few weeks once all this other stuff is sorted out. I would also like that to be all I need, and hopefully not have to be on meds.

Somewhat Damaged · 02-13-2008, 09:47 PM

I just wanted to chime in and say I planned my wedding and went through all the family stuff/meeting new family, showers, ceremony, honeymoon, etc while in a deep depression. It is *hard*.

When I came back from the honeymoon I fell into the worst pit of despair I have ever experienced and finally went to see someone to talk about it. I am by no means saying you'll have the same experience.

Anyway, it did help to have someone to talk to. Make sure that anyone you see knows that you prefer not to take meds. And above all, don't overextend yourself and be sure you are taking the time you need for YOU

R0xyg4l · 02-14-2008, 08:46 PM

Awww :hugs: I know what it feels like. I've had a panic attack before at Friendly's of all places and went into the bathroom in tears. There are great medications out there that will help you be able to deal with things... there are also herbal things you could try as well. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need someone to talk to ... let me know!

bec415 · 02-15-2008, 11:53 AM

Thank you for the support everyone, I also think I need to get more sleep. Kat's always mentioning sleep/rest as an important part of controlling pcos and I just don't get enough, feeling tired during the day also makes things seem more overwhelming.