Sad day for me. (loss and baby ment)

MonikaM · 10-07-2005, 03:54 PM

First I have to say, I feel bad about posting this here, my loss was early on and I just feel so bad since some of you had so much more to go through.

Today is the due date of my baby that I lost at about 7 weeks. He or she would be 2 years old, I would be making posts about how the terriable twos are driving me crazy. But instead, I am sitting and crying and thinking of what life would be like if that baby made it.

I have a baby and I should be happy right? Why doesnt it work that way! I hate that some people think I should not be upset or hurt because I have a child, she is not a replacment for what I lost. Or I keep getting "if that baby made it, Megan would not be here." and I want to scream no if life was fair I would be a mom of 2 today.

I have this little doggie, that we got for the baby the second I found out I was PG, I keep hugging him and missing my baby.

ProudPCOMom · 10-07-2005, 04:04 PM

(((hugs))) It doesn't matter how early or late your loss was - you lost your child and will always miss him/her. Another child will not replace what you have lost. I know you love your daughter immensely and your heart will always hold a special place for your little angel. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for wanting all of your children on earth with you - they do not understand.

We're always here to support each other in our times of need.

Susan

SheriKCMO · 10-07-2005, 04:14 PM

I agree with every word Susan said. No other child can replace a little lost one. I'm sad that you don't have both of your kids, and don't worry about the differences between our losses. Every life is unique, regardless of how long it lasts. Only you know how it feels to be this child's mother and to grieve for him/her.
Hugs!
Sheri

kwannabee · 10-07-2005, 04:19 PM

I just wanted to say...ditto ditto ditto to EVERYTHING you said

THats the thing about grieving...it never goes away...just hides for awhile. Many hugs for you...

shorty1kanobi · 10-07-2005, 09:13 PM

Your grief is valid, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your child. I had an early miscarriage - that child would have been a year old in June. I was surprised by the intensity of the emotion I felt. While I too thought it was logical that having a child now would make the loss of the other one easier, there is still the fact that you lost a child AND you know what you are missing. (HUG)

VivC · 10-07-2005, 10:49 PM

I'm sorry you're missing your baby. Yesterday was my angel baby's birthday, and it was so hard to get through.

Don't feel that your loss is less than those of women who lost babies further along. In a way, I think your loss is worse, because you don't know what your baby looked like, you never got to hear him/her cry, you never got to hold him/her...I was able to experience all of those things.

I think I'm finally realizing that there will always be days when I miss Rivi so much that I want to cry forever. ((hugs)),

Viv

LaurAnnHere · 10-07-2005, 11:01 PM

I kind of compiled this letter in musings myself. I've said these things here before, but I thought they might help you a little...

Quote:

I have suffered an incredible amount of loss. I lost twins at 17 weeks and have suffered through 7 first trimester miscarriages. After each miscarriage I went home with empty arms and a broken heart. It would have been really nice to have had someone acknowledge the death of my babies. I felt really alone and like nobody cared, much less understood. Every day of my life was a challenge that I had to face by myself. There was nobody to comfort me. Even my husband could not understand the extent of my grief. My friends, family, and coworkers all seemed to disregard my pain. My baby’s loss was significant and worthy of grieving. The greatest pain of all is that nobody seems to care. I can't understand it really. I talk about my grandparents (who adopted me and raised me) and that's not a show stopper. I talk about the babies I've lost and everyone wants to move on to another subject as quickly as possible. Losing a baby is devastating, but we need to have them acknowledged as well. And even if our baby was only around for four weeks, we at least had one happy memory with them. The positive pregnancy test would be the first. Perhaps number two was that first night you went to sleep thinking about the fact that there is a little person growing inside of you. Maybe you talked to your baby that night and you felt a new universe was created just for you and the baby. And then it's over and everyone in the world acts like your baby never even existed. Even if you only knew about that baby for one day, he existed and you began a bond that can not be broken. I still mourn the loss of my babies because I wanted to hold them, hear them cry, watch them grow, etc. Their hearts beat and blood ran through their veins. They existed as much as I exist now. They just didn't live on this Earth as long as I have.

Now I have a beautiful son named Jamie. I almost lost him. Only by the grace of God is he with me today. People are even more insensitive about my previous m/c now that I have a baby. I hate that cliché "Everything happens for a reason.” Several people have said things like "Aren't you glad you didn't have those babies because you wouldn't have had Jamie." I wanted those babies too. Nobody thinks a new baby takes the place of a child that is with you, why would they think he replaces one that is living in heaven? I still feel that pain in my chest. You know that pain that's not sharp but pressure. It only takes a glimpse of certain things. Sometimes it wells up unexpectedly. Even having Jamie has not taken that away. I wouldn't want it to. I would never want to forget my babies. That ache in my heart is where they live.

LISA H · 10-07-2005, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonikaM

First I have to say, I feel bad about posting this here, my loss was early on and I just feel so bad since some of you had so much more to go through.

Today is the due date of my baby that I lost at about 7 weeks. He or she would be 2 years old, I would be making posts about how the terriable twos are driving me crazy. But instead, I am sitting and crying and thinking of what life would be like if that baby made it.

I have a baby and I should be happy right? Why doesnt it work that way! I hate that some people think I should not be upset or hurt because I have a child, she is not a replacment for what I lost. Or I keep getting "if that baby made it, Megan would not be here." and I want to scream no if life was fair I would be a mom of 2 today.

I have this little doggie, that we got for the baby the second I found out I was PG, I keep hugging him and missing my baby.

You shouldn't feel bad about posting here! A loss is a loss no matter when it happened.....I lost my first little angel at 8 weeks only days after I found out I was PG, does that mean I shouldn't have been so sad, ofcourse not.....you are entitled to greive no matter how early it was.

I know exactly how you feel, I have 2 beautiful little boys but I often watch them playing and can't help but feel sad because there should be 3, I know my angel is looking over me, and that brings me comfort, S/he watched over both my pregnancies and now watches over her/his little brothers as well.

I don't think any of us will ever truely and completely be over our losses and no one should ever expect you to be, don't listen to all those who say otherwise!

CelticSpirit · 10-08-2005, 12:24 AM

Hey sweetie,

All my losses were early too. Your grief is valid no matter what anyone thinks. You lost something very dear...a baby. It doesn't matter that your baby was only 7 weeks g.a. He or she was still a baby.

Post here anytime you need to. We're here for you!

Hayles · 10-08-2005, 12:26 AM

wow you have gotten some great advice & amazing words i can't add anything just wanted to offer *hugs*

Roxgirl · 10-08-2005, 01:25 AM

MonikaM: I am sorry for your loss. I lost my little one at 10 weeks, and I am getting ready for my baby's EDD (Oct 22). It's a very hard thing to deal with. One of my doctors told me that a m/c is something you never get over, because as soon as you found out you were pg, a part of you started thinking about the future--how your family would be, watching the little one grow up, thinking of holidays and birthdays. And when it ends, it's more than losing a 10 week pregnancy (in my case), it's losing all of your hopes and dreams for this baby, and yourself. Please take care, and post whenever you need to.

LaurAnnHere: your story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry. Your letter has really hit home for me, emotionally. It does seem that everyone has forgotten about my miscarriage, nevermind the fact that I'm almost to my due date. Hardly anyone even asks how I'm doing, not that they should remember, I guess. It's a personal loss, and I had a very strong bond with my little one, before anyone (other than DH) even knew I was pg. My DH understands, but it's still not the same for him. I think he's more nervous about saying the wrong thing to set me off, or wondering if I'll be sad when I see a baby. But, your happy memories remind me of my happy memories, and I appreciate you providing these words to help comfort the rest of us.

Mich831 · 10-08-2005, 02:44 AM

I am so sorry...I had an early loss too. Three months after losing that baby I got PG with Thomas.
And I feel SO much like you. Having another baby doesn't replace the one you lost and you have every right to grieve over it.

We're all here for you. (((HUGS))) to you.

Michele

MonikaM · 10-08-2005, 08:31 PM

Thank you everyone.

The day was not an easy one. I cried a lot, we lit a candle for the baby, and put the little doggie toy next to the candle.

I just remember being so happy when I was told I am PG! We went to the store the same day and got a few things for the baby, I would look at them each day. And the day we went to the ER and I lost my baby, I had to come home and clean that stuff off my bed.

MIL just had to call DH to fix her TV, and when we got there she said NOTHING about the this day, but I knew the witch wouldnt care.

Thank you all for caring! Hugs

kukie940 · 10-08-2005, 08:39 PM

My thoughts are with you as this week would have been when my baby was due as well. I was doubly sad as I was testing this week as well and then AF showed, so off to another round of TTC a child. I think most of us on this site would agree that we feel life begins at conception, so whether a loss occurs at 5 weeks, or later on, it is still the loss of a precious life, a child. My greatest comfort is knowing that my precious angel is in Heaven with her great grandparents. I also feel as if my baby saved my life in some ways, as it wasn't until my loss that it was discovered I had PCOS,etc. This at the same time that my younger sister discovered she had cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. So I truly believe my baby was and is an angel.

Brittany

saluki_fan · 10-08-2005, 11:12 PM

Monika - so sorry for the tough day today, and your loss. A loss is a loss, no matter when it happens, and you have a right to your grief.
Thinking of you...
Meghan