After 3 years of trying I got pg with 100mg clomid 1,700 glucophage. The pg ended at 10 weeks with a miscarriage. I don't know why but, after the mc I have been on a total path of self destruction lasting 7 weeks now. This is my 1st post sience the mc has been complete. I just feel screwed up, I am so angery. We tried so hard..I ate right lost 30 pounds never drank anything with caffine, I gave up so much...all for nothing. I have told everyone I do not want to get pg again "ever". I am so freaked out about having another mc. I KNOW another mc will mess me up more then the 1st has. After this mc while I was still bleeding I punched DH in the face... we have been together 7 years I've never done that before. I started drinking "heavy" almost nightly. I am slowly gaining weight back. I kicked DH out, I told him point blank he needs his own apartment. I hardly do anything for the kids at all. I have no desire to do crap. I cheated on DH with an old bf for 7-8 years ago, the guy is friends with DH and I. I told DH about it, I did it a few days after I kicked him out. I told him I don't want to be suzy homemaker anymore, I was never very good at it anyways. DH is back at home now. I have told him I don't want to work it out, he will not hear of it. He gave my a full body massage last night..it was so sweet. I just hate everyone and everything. I am no longer friends with DH's mom because of the cheating thing. I told DH I want to go away for a while by myself. I can't because we have a 4 and 6 year old and no $$ for that. I feel like total nothing.. I think about how things would be if I was still pg. I had some things for the baby I threw away. DH keeps the shoes I gave him the day I told him I was pg on his desk. He was holding em the other day crying. I glanced in and saw him, I have not ask him about it. I never want to go thru this again. No one ever told me how this would be on me. All I want is to drink and go out. I won't cook. I have cooked two times "dinners" sience I lost the pg. DH keeps telling me I'm sick and i'll get better, I don't belive him. I really wanted to get some of this out. I feel like a total bucket of poo. I keep telling Dh we are not trying again because my body will not carry it even if I do get pg...I DO BELIVE THAT WHOLE HEARTED. I have stoped working. Also the day I started to mc my 17 year old brother was in a skate board accident, he broke his skull and pelvis. He was in ICU he has had 4 brain surgerys to remove skull and blood clots. He had a huge part of his skull removed enoughf to put the palm of your hand in. We were told 50 50 that he would pull thru the 1st surgery. He is at home now, I don't want to get into a lot, bt his personality has changed he lost short term memory and compulsive memory. He acts crazy now he has little self control. I started bleeding while standing at the foot of his ICU bed. So all these changes are not from the mc alone. I have a 19 year old cousion he was at work digging a ditch, it collapsed he was burried alive. It took 6 hours for workers to hand dig the ditch up he died 4 weeks before my brothers accident. So anyway I guess I've been pushed over the edge. I'll write more later. Sorry for typo's I am not going over this in a hurry to get my son to school.
__________________ EDD 12/30/2006 1st bata 17dpo 349 After 4 years TTC MC'ed "blighted ovum "6/2002 .DS BEN 4/2/96 DD ALLY 2/23/98.
I can totally relate to the urge to go away by myself for a while. I feel that too! But I know if I went I would miss my kids (age 3 + 5) even though they usually drive me completely mad. It is HARD dealing with so many major events, AND having to be "Mummy" and "wife", I also feel this urge to opt out of some of my responsibilities because I just don't feel capable of handling them at the moment. Since I can't opt out of being a Mum, I too have been tempted to opt out of being a wife by telling my DH to leave. It is HARD to carry on being the centre of the household, when really it is YOU who needs nurturing. Hopefully your DH will continue to be understanding, and you will be able to allow time to heal from your MC.
I felt exactly that same way after my miscarriage in June. I had quit my job the previous summer, to plan our wedding, and take care of myself (my job was just too stressful) and our house. When I got pregnant, it was the best thing that happened to us. At 11 weeks, I started spotting. I found out a few days later that our baby didn't make it past 7 weeks. I was heartbroken - it only got worse because I tried to spontaneously mc at home, before my D&C. I have never been in so much pain my entire life, either physically or emotionally. I wanted everyone to just leave me alone. My DH has never been much to share how he feels, and so he let his horrible feelings build up until he was taking things out on me - but because I had to be strong for everyone else, I had nowhere else to turn. I wanted to die, right on the spot. I didn't want to be in the same house as anyone, I just wanted to be alone. Everything got me so upset. I felt like I was expected to turn right back into the housekeeper right after the miscarriage. I couldn't do that, because I could barely hang onto my own sanity. I also started a new job a week after the D&C, partly to get me out of the house. I suddenly felt like I had to be the breadwinner AND the housekeeper, and, soon, the whore. It was hard, and it still is. We fought all the time, mainly because I had nobody at all to listen to me, or to let me cry on. Things are getting better, but it took a lot of hard work. I wish I had something good to say that would make all the bad feelings go away, but I don't. Just know that you aren't the only one who hurts like this, and that if you need anything, there will always be someone here.
Did they have a pregnancy loss support group at your hospital? If they do please check into it. I am concerned for you. Sounds like you might be going through some post partum depression ( yes even though you had a loss you still had the pregnancy hormones) You need to be kind to yourself, let your husband nurture you if he will ( the body massage thing sounded like it was a good start) He's feeling it as badly as you are. I am sure it is hard when you have 2 young children to deal with.
Check into depression meds also and some counseling.
Keep us posted.
Cindy
__________________ PCOS diagnosed Sept. 1994
Total Thyroidectomy March 1995
IR- diagnosed Aug 2001
synthroid .175mg 6 days a week 1/2 tab on Sunday
zoloft 50 mg
rocaltrol 0.5 mcg 3 times a day
zestril 20 mg
1500 Mg Metformin in July.
trying to low carb
Starting weight 235/ 204 now, goal 130
Mommy to one fuzzy fur ball the Rug Spud.
>^. .^<
> ~ <
Oh sweetie, you are having such a hard time. I'm very sorry about your loss. I know it hurts so bad. Please see you Dr. I agree with Cindy B. Post Partum Depression can really kick your butt, and you've had so many other horrible things happen. It's no wonder you are feeling so badly. Please take care of yourself. And seek help, wether from a therapist or from your physician. And, if you can, give your DH a hug and a chance to rebuild your relationship. You can gain such support from each other. Hold your family to you, they are a wonderful part of life. Bless you all, and if it's alright I will say prayers for you. Hugs, Lendi
Dear Jengoley,
(((((BIGHUGS)))))
Sorry for all of your losses, you have every right to feel hurt, angry and sad. You have been through so much and then there are those hormonal issues to boot.
Please try to find a grief counselor or a local grief support group to help you through this. Try to avoid alcohol, in the long run, it won't help you, it will only cause more pain.
You don't deserve to be going through all this crap and you shouldn't try to wade through it all on your own.
screwed up"mc" 
