Seeing things from the other side...

kwannabee · 05-14-2005, 11:32 AM

Hi girls...i need your advice. I think i just put my foot in my mouth, and i wish i'd just stayed quiet.

Some of you might remember that when i was pregnant with my twin girls so was my sil...we were due within weeks of eachother. WEeks after i had aimee and dana she went on to ptl and had a boy and a girl...and it was akward but we both dealt with things and tried to be understanding of eachothers emotional state. Anyway, her little girl was born with a brain complication...she has a rare deformity that makes her a perfect shell of a baby but really no awareness or interest in life around her...theres no brain connection or ability to learn...anything....her life expectancy wasnt good from the onset...but i know that doesnt make losing her daughter any easier. and as of last night, things are not looking good.

She is being christened at the hospital today, and my bil just called to let us know, and i called my mil cuz i didnt know whether to call her or not.

So i did. I left a message and told her i was here to chat if she needed me, and that we were thinking of her and hoping for the best. WEll as soon as i hung up i kicked myself...i sound like i've already given up hope, like its already a done deal...like because i lost my babies im the 'expert' and because i've already 'been through it' lets just assume its going to happen to you too"

I remember clinging to hope beyond reason and being so upset at all the naysayers...everyone who kept assuming the worst...and here i am doing the same thing. But i dont know what to say to explain thats not what i meant??

I hate this...

Iluvstjohn · 05-14-2005, 03:56 PM

I don't think you did anything wrong...I mean...you do know the end result, and in weird and unfortunate sort of way...you DO know what she is going through and what she will need in the upcoming days/weeks/months...aww heck...minutes and hours! You probably are being hard on yourself because it brings back memories of all the silly things people said when you had your girls....people just don't know what to say or do. Death is uncomfortable. Now....it might be less uncomfortable for you (and us) because you know now...that you will be ok..never the same...but ok.

Her situation is unfortunate and sad.....you will probably be the best comfort for her. Do you know about the willowtree angels? They sell them at Hallmark stores and such. someone gave me one when I had my m/c and eversince I send them to people who are going through tough times. I bet there is a great mother and daughter one...maybe send one to her in the mail. Or.....what about planting a tree (when the time comes and she goes to that much better place then we are at now). A rose bush to would be nice!
Keep us updated......she is in our thoughts. Another way to show how far you've come...so so far....your strength is admirable.....
Holly

kwannabee · 05-14-2005, 06:28 PM

Thanks Holly. I guess its time to pass on that flashlight huh?? Youre so right though...i was projecting and having major emotional flashbacks...i guess thats why the phone call was so hard for me. My sil called me back...and baby is fighting but not expected to recover. My sil...she's so like me...clinging to any good news like a life line...and still hoping for the best. I know in the back of her mind she's preparing...but we all know you just cant prepare...not really.

its that mental tug of war...logic vs hope. Even if sweet baby does make it through this time...it will eventually happen.

There have been comments made to me (not by her) that i was almost 'lucky' to lose my girls the way i did...at least i didnt have time to watch them die.

Thats such a crock of #$%^?!! because actually stupid i held them in my arms while they died so dont tell me i'm lucky!! it is NOT easy no matter HOW or WHEN

but i just bit my tongue...right now i just remind myself people dont understand. Well you guys do...

GabrielsMom · 05-14-2005, 07:09 PM

Kim, I'm crying for you, and your SIL. What a horrible thing

I'm glad she called you back. I hope that reassured you. And I can imagine that all those thoughts and feelings are just rushing back to you. But... she's lucky to have you around... to already be close to someone who knows what she's going through. Your family and that little girl are in my prayers.

Hugs,
Adrianne

*pEaNuT* · 05-14-2005, 07:23 PM

((((hugs))))

*Clarissa* · 05-14-2005, 11:24 PM

Aww....Kim, I don't think you stuck your foot in your mouth at all. She is very lucky to have someone close that understands what she is going through. I have been wondering how her little girl was doing, and I am sad to hear the bad prognosis. I remember when you were going through the birth of these kids, and when you told us about the little girl's problems. My prayers are going out to her and your family tonight.

VivC · 05-15-2005, 09:41 PM

Kim, I agree you're being hard on yourself. What you said actually sounded perfect (and at least you said SOMETHING). As far as your sister-in-law goes, she sounds like me! When Rivi was dying I refused to even consider that he might not make it. I wasn't prepared for his death, but that's okay. Being so hopeful allowed me to give him more of me. I'm glad your sister in law has you to help her through.

As far as the crap about how "lucky" you were that your babies died quickly, can I please have that person's address? I'd like to send them hate mail. Losing a child is awful at any point - if your baby dies "quickly," you've missed out on memories, and if your baby dies later, the memories are too much. It's never easy.

The willow tree angels are wonderful. When I was fighting for my cerclage (first peri refused to do it), a wonderful nurse named Laurie gave me the info about Dr. P., who was willing to try. After Rivi died, she came to my room and cried with me. When I was able, I went to hallmark and bought her one of the angels - the "Angel of Life." She's holding a hatching chick. I thought it was SO appropriate that I sent it on to her.

SheriKCMO · 05-16-2005, 01:32 AM

Kim,
You didn't do anything wrong, my friend. You are a shoulder she might need soon, even if it is only during the worry/fear stage rather than the ultimate. I'm so sorry your little neice is not in good shape. I'm glad her mother has you in the family to lend an understanding ear, now and when the time comes.

You are an awesome friend.
Hugs to your whole family,
Sheri

SheriKCMO · 05-16-2005, 01:35 AM

Oh, and I'm sorry I forgot to mention, there is not one "lucky" thing about losing a child, much less two! Some people just don't think before opening their mouths.

kwannabee · 05-16-2005, 10:05 AM

Thanks everybody...i'm just about to go downstairs to the couch so i wanted to check in quick...and as suspected you guys are totally awesome!! I feel a little better...i really didnt want to be one of those people with a big mouth and no brains...not like some of the horrific stories i've heard of what some of you've suffered...luckilly my sil either ignored what i actually said or took what i said the way i meant it...either way you all made me feel better.

Baby is hanging in there...she was on 100% oxygen and went down to 60 but now she's back to 85...her seizures caused her to aspirate and then she caught pneumonia...but her disorder (cant remember what its called but it ends with encephaly) is basically making this into not an IF but a WHEN situation. Its really sad...and what gets me is the total role reversal...we dont know each other very well cuz we live so far apart...but i had to buck up and 'be stong' when she had her babies even though i'd just lost mine...and now heres me cautiosly optimistic about expecting again and she's losing her's...its like man...cant mother nature take a midol or something??!!

make a snowstorm or something productive instead of crap like this?? sighhhhhh...

anyway, are the willowtree angels those really nice greyish sculpted figurines with the wire wings and stuff?? They sort of looked carved out of plaster?? I think i know what youre talking about...i'll have to check. I know theres one i saw of a pregnant woman holding a child...i used to look at it all the time after the girls and it used to make me weepy...but there were some really really nice ones...thanks for the idea. Anyway i better cut this short...i'm back on stricter bedrest and dealing with high blood pressure and stuff so doc has me on more restrictions...so i'm not on the puter as much as i was. Talk about withdrawal!!

hugs to all and take care...

Iluvstjohn · 05-19-2005, 08:29 AM

Yes, those sound lke willowtree angels...here's a link...
http://www.heritagegiftsonline.com/dept.asp?dept%5Fid=510&parent%5Fid=300&gcid=S2050x001=keyword=%22willow+tree+angels%22

*Clarissa* · 05-19-2005, 02:49 PM

You can also look at Willow Trees at the site of the manufactuer. It is www.demdaco.com We carry them here at my mil's gift shop.

My husband gave me the Angel's Embrace when I had my first loss.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 05-19-2005, 03:43 PM

I agree with some of the other posts.

At least you said something, remember all the people who didn't say ANYTHING when you lost your babies? I wasn't here on the boards then but, I'm sure it happened to you, I know it happened to me both times, and everyone else who has lost a baby.

I think you said exactly the right thing. I'm glad she has you at a time like this.

We all know how isolated a loss makes you feel.

Gina