Seeking Fellow Sloths PART 2

TurtleLove · 05-13-2008, 12:40 AM

and so the time has come and gone and the weight has gone and come! I am back to square one, actually a little further back than square one truth be told

when we lost our angel I became obsessed with losing weight, it was actually my way of grieving. I lost 82 pounds at my furthest point. Then we had our miracle baby boy and I worked really hard to avoid gaining any more than necessary. in spite of a month of bed rest I did pretty good. Then life hit us again, my beloved Gram got leukemia. My mom came up to help take care of her, my mom vents her feelings by cooking and cleaning so my inner sloth was overjoyed as the depression of losing my Gram was happy to eat all of the home cooking for those few months. after losing her I really just hit a low place. I lost myself in a way. My best friend found out her husband had cancer at the same time my Gram was diagnosed so I did not want to lean on her and basically directed my feelings inward. my brother was in Iraq which made heart to hearts very difficult. I saw a very dark place that I had not been to since Caitlin died.

after eating myself into a much more severe depression, I'm fat therefore depressed therefore I eat, endless cycle, anyone feeling me there? I discovered that I really just didn't care what I looked like or felt like. Now chasing a 20 month ball of energy wears me out and makes me hurt so that it is difficult to sleep. to make a long story short my brother came home and we had that heart to heart and I realized that I was not allowing myself to grieve for Caitlin or my Gram. So I am now grieving for both of them, making strides everday to find my way back to who I want to be not who I allowed myself to become.

today is the begining of part two for me and I hope for you, where we say no more excuses, it all ends and begins from here. I got my blood pressure checked this morning, it was 140/102 and I weighed 340 lbs. There is no excuse for this and I trully am a sloth. the past year I gave up all exercise and healthy choices in my life, today my journey begins again because everyone deserves a second chance. I made healthy food choices today, even though traveling; tomorrow morning I am going to get up a little bit earlier than normal so I can do 5-10 minutes of exercise, which will seem like a lot seeing as how walking to the car from the house gets me winded. I am going to have to take baby steps and build up again but I know with a little bit of help I can conquer this plague called fat once again and be ok with that sloth in the mirror because she is shrinking and it's the effort that counts!!

SABTeacher · 05-13-2008, 09:25 PM

Hey!!! I'm so glad you posted. I think of you from time to time and I was hoping you'd check in eventually.

Thanks so much for starting the new thread. I really appreciate your honesty. It sounds like you've really been able to take a close look at where you're at and where you've been. I'm so glad that you're working through the grieving process for both Caitlin and your Gram. So many of us emotional overeaters struggle to let ourselves go through the ups and downs and feel the feelings associated with them. We just eat our way through it all rather than dealing. I'm so glad you're working through it all. I know it must not be easy.

I can relate to your story on some levels. I'm definitely an emotional overeater. I have definitely let myself go since I had DD. She is the light of my life and my biggest joy, but I definitely have put my needs at the bottom of a very long list. I want to be healthy and well for her. I want to be a good role model and I want her to grow up having a healthy relationship with her body and food. I know I need to make changes now to make sure this happens.

I plan to check in and hold myself accountable here. My many months of inactivity and poor eating need to come to an end.

Best wishes.

Shari

TurtleLove · 05-13-2008, 11:56 PM

Shari, good to see you! I am sorry to hear you need a new begining but excited to have you on board for phase 2!! I am making a commitment to you and myself to check in at least twice a week and more when possible! It is so much easier to do this with some help, even if it is online help

Best wishes on your new journey, I hope this time next year we are healthier moms our kids can be proud of and learn from!!

My day two went well. I made healthy eating choices and did not use being on the road as an excuse to eat poorly. Exercise this morning was hard to talk myself out of bed for but I am so glad I did it because I feel better about coming back in here having done it lol!! I could only stand about 5 minutes and everything hurt

Sad but true, so tomorrow I shall do the same and each day after that until I can move up in minutes!!

Hope your day goes well, would love to hear you getting off to a great start!!

southie · 05-14-2008, 06:48 AM

Great to see you here again. It really made my day to see this thread started again.

Turtlelove, I am sorry to hear that you have had such a rough ride. Just remeber, it doesn't matter where you are now, only that you are on the right path again.

Shari, it looks like we are all in the same boat, wanting to be healthier for our children. I know I struggle to keep up with my two 3.5 year olds and that must change.

Ditto on the emotional eating thing. I was doing well and then it all just stalled after a number of problems at home and work came up. I havn't gained all the weight I origionally lost but this is mostly because I have been varying between eating way too much one day and nothing or little the next. This is not a good place to be in.
I will also commit myself to checking in regularly, eating properly, and doing enough exercise.

TurtleLove · 05-15-2008, 04:52 PM

Got my exercise in yesterday, today I am at home so I haven't gotten to it yet but planning to take Corbin outside when he wakes up from his nap

I have continued to make healthy choices, I forgot how empowering it was to be in control of what I eat and not just stuff my face constantly

There are brownies in the kitchen leftover from the weekend and I am sending them to work with dh tomorrow. I may have one with supper tonight and split it with someone so I don't feel cheated out of the good stuff but also don't overdo!

Southie good to see you! How funny that we all needed this now, almost seems like this must be our time to get this done and together we can surely do it, right?!!

I'll send Christie an email and see if she is game as well! How are you two doing so far?

southie · 05-16-2008, 08:54 AM

Holly, thanks for the gift, I will definitely take a picture. You are so right about how empowering it is to be in control. I have to remind myself that eating that box (that's right box) of cookies will feal good for a few minutes but not touching them will feel good for a long time.

On the eating side, I am making sure that I have at least 3 healthy meals, and preferably some light snacks as well. Exercise is going OK although I almost died going to the gym on Tuesday after so long. I have also started going to pilates again which is good for my stomach. Even though I can't do everything that goes on in the class, I know that it helps a lot.

Does giving Thomas and Tristan "horse" rides count as exercise? (crawling on the floor with a pre-schooler on my back).
I need to loose about 90lb, but anything lost will be good.

TurtleLove · 05-16-2008, 05:57 PM

Of course horse rides count!! We do horse rides too but different, Corbin sits on your ankle/foot and you lift at the knees for about 20 reps per leg and I definately count that!! At this point going from absolutely no exercise and avoiding activity most things count lol. I get the bag of cookies thing, I would get myself a bag or box depending on my cravings and eat them all while driving. I had also gotten into a habit of eating supper on the road around 5 or 6 then eating supper again with the family at 8 or so. Lots of bad habits to break, gonna be a long hard road but not many things worth having come easy right?

Got the BP checked this morning it went up which was a bit depressing, but the weight went down a smidge so I guess that's something. Means I am getting somewhere slowly but surely. Made good choices today. Had that half a brownie last night and enjoyed every bite. Think it is time to step up the water now been getting in 3-4 20oz bottles a day, going to see if I can get to 5-6 by next weekend. Hard to talk myself into drinking all that water again after having let myself go and drinking a 2 liter of Dr Pepper a day!! boy was that withdrawl painful!! Gave it up 2 weeks ago before starting the diet knew I could only do one at a time lol!!

My long term goal is to lose 150, the ideal weight for me as per my dr is 205 so to be 190 would be fabulous just to be under 200 again, I do not even remember what it is like!! I have not decided if I am going to take my laptop on my flight this weekend so if not I will be around monday night when I am in the hotel back to driving, ya'll have a great weekend either way

TurtleLove · 05-17-2008, 09:17 AM

Finishing up last minute stuff before I leave, had to pop in and admit I made a very poor food choice for dessert last night and overindulged. I'm over it this morning and not gonna let it slow me down, I will run it off making my layover flight right lol!! I bought some beef jerky and zone bars to fly with there and back so as not to be tempted to get any junk at the airport, I'm going to divide the jerky into ziplock bags by serving size. I forgot to mention my husband let me start lazer treatment on my chin trying to pull me out of my funk, it is going slow because the hair is red but it is going so maybe when I get my weight off I can look like a girl all the way around lol!!!

See you guys later happy eating for the weekend

southie · 05-19-2008, 06:03 AM

I get you on the water, but I know it makes a real difference. I need to cut down on the coffee and the hot chocolate (actually this must go completely, even the light version).
I'm down 1.5 lbs this week, which is a good start. Now for the next week.

Thomas and Tristan kept me busy this weekend, running around after 3.5 yr old boys can be very tiring but also a lot of fun.

Holly, how was the trip?
Shari, how are you doing?

SABTeacher · 05-19-2008, 01:49 PM

Hi ladies,

I only have a couple of minutes to check in. I promise to write more later.

I had a great 6 days of eating, but sort of caved last night and ate 4 chocolate chip cookies. Then today, I had pizza for lunch.

Oh well, I won't let it get me off track. There's no such thing as perfect, right?

Exercise hasn't happened (other than toddler chasing). I need to just do it and stop making excuses. I don't plan to weigh in more than 1x per month (I get too obsessed). I'll keep you posted.

More later,
Shari

TurtleLove · 05-20-2008, 12:20 AM

ah the trip lol...it has been what fat girl nightmares are made of

first the flight, needed a seatbelt extension, MAJOR embarrassing but sadly not shocking. As if that alone were not enough I sat next to this guy who went to put his tray table down and he could not because my fat was in the way.....SUPER...ever thought about jumping out of a plane?

so that was great inspiration to have no junk on the layover and luckily the plane for the next segment was larger so my seatmates could use thier tray tables.

arrive at destination, this is one of the few events I am working with other EA's so they decide let's all go out to dinner together...at Outback....they choose a booth and I have to put my arm across to pretend I am hiding the fact that the table is squishing me. I behave and order a chicken ceasar salad and they go in together on an appetizer.....Aussie fries....french fries covered in cheese and stuff with a bowl of ranch for dipping them in. I refrain...I feel physical pain from the table and I refrain.

skip to the next morning, I eat granola cereal and a yogurt for breakfast, as a group we leave for the event in one car and they drive thru Krispy Kreme. They get a dozen warm fresh glazed donuts and I ordered a bottle of water...water....as if that alone was not enough to test me we proceed the the adjoining starbucks drive thru.....at this point I am wondering what I am doing. Then a couple blocks down is dunkin donuts, I can normally only have those when we are visiting in TX I love them dearly, but luckily we did not drive thru just pointed it out for me. lunch everyone ate subway thank goodness!!

today I get of the plane and head to the mall to go to scheels to get dd some more stuff for softball....there is a chick-fil-a in that mall....above any fast food ever I adore chick-fil-a...I convinced myself my legs were too sore from all the airport walking to go there and had subway instead.

sooooo I have made good choices but I had forgotten how in the begining it feels like torture. cruelty of life and fate that I am one of the chosen that has to self deprive if I do not want to resemble a beached whale. It has been hard not to slip into self pity mode and indulge. I was tempted today, I was early for one event and I went into the coffee shop next to where I was going because they had free internet so I could work. They sold cookie dough...a nice little container with a scoop of cookie dough. with or without the chocolate chips. I wanted to get that and a cup of milk and sulk a while about how hard this all is and here I have to do it again when I already did it before. I actually started to order it but changed to juice and a veggie medley of broccolli, cauliflower, and carrots. I do not have a right to sulk really I did do it before and I let it all go, no one but me made these choices and I have to walk uphill against them on my own again.

There is an eliptical here at this hotel so I am planning to set the alarm early and see how long I can go on it for my exercise tomorrow. Another day another salad....

Congrats on that loss southie, every little bit helps and it all adds up after a while!!!

Shari, no pressure, be here when you can, of course there is no such thing as perfect that is why we are here

TurtleLove · 05-21-2008, 12:54 AM

I did get up this morning and did 5 min on the bike and a whopping 2 min on the eliptical, sad but true

I guess I just have to keep looking at it as better than not trying at all, I forgot how long it took to slowly build up to be able to do more exercise without feeling like a dork. I read back on the old stuff and it made me feel a bit better. Cramping like mad today so hoping I can get AF and get it over with so maybe I can see if my BP will go down. Thinking of checking it friday, maybe monday, but still having headaches so definately need to check it when I am home.

Made good food choices today, it still sucks but it seemed a little easier. I am really focused on not needing that dang seat belt extension on those stupid little planes. I imagine the ppl that sit next to me will be grateful too, you know how it is, that look on ppl's face when a fat person is going to sit by them no matter where you are, as if being fat would be contagious, right?

Hope you guys are doing well, I am in the zone and focused, got a free upgrade to a suite which always makes me feel special...lol...hotel memberships are so much fun if you travel much they treat you differently just because of a little plastic card with your name and their logo...lol The workout room is right across the hall, no eliptical but a stair stepper so will see what I am up for at 6:15 in the morning ugh

happy hump day for tomorrow!!

southie · 05-21-2008, 04:59 AM

Holly, congrats on making so many good choices. It isn't easy but it is worth it in the end.
The airline seats can be a real pain. The worst I had was about a year ago when I ended up sitting next to another lady who was much larger than me, and I am certainly not small. That was the most difficult flight ever. I felt so sorry for her because I could see how embarassed she was. I also find that local flights are worse than the long distance ones because it seems that the older planes have smaller seats.

Shari, the odd treat won't kill you, so long as you get back on track most days. With the exercise, what do you like doing? I find that when I am unmotivated then something like swimming is great for me, to get going.

I had a good session at the gym yesterday, but my legs are killing me today.

TurtleLove · 05-22-2008, 12:55 AM

oh southie how miserable for both of you! GREAT JOB going to the gym!!!!

I hit the work out room this morning and did 6 minutes on the bike and several different exercises on the weight machine, I just did stuff till it started to hurt then did a different exercise till I was sore in several places lol. My legs are super swollen tonight so I am guessing the blood pressure is way up so going to wait till monday to check it, gives me that much longer to get it down

I made great choices today even eating out and I turned down wonderful frosted cookies that I had to actually argue that I really did not want one. Why is it so hard for people to accept the word no?

It is late and morning comes early, I finally get to go home tomorrow WOOHOO lol, been working on the road since saturday

Have a great thursday guys!!

TurtleLove · 05-23-2008, 04:09 PM

UGH

The BP is still high which is no surprise, but the weight went up half a pound which has me baffled, angry, and miserable. I don't get it. This morning I go to my MIL's retirement party, feed my son part of a piece of cake and I had nothing. NOTHING...no mints, no punch, no cake, not even a lick of frosting off his spoon! I have been missing out on everything for two weeks now and for what? to gain weight...

I am so tired from getting up early to have time to work out, grouchy because I feel like I am missing out on everything good I love, annoyed because I am eating food I mainly HATE so I can lose some stupid weight and yet I have more instead of less.

In spite of this miserable news instead of a dr pepper and some chocolate to make me feel better I just stayed feeling miserable and had grilled chicken, a small salad, and water for lunch. So here I am to whine to the only people I figure will get it anyway and then I am just going to get over it for another week. I made a dr appt for the BP it is a week from monday. If I gain weight then I may be tempted to have something, because I am really wondering what the point is if I can not even lose that easy begining weight. Usually you can lose 5 lbs quick just for trying.

Hope you guys are doing well, I am still making good food choices for all the good it is doing me but not terribly motivated to exercise today, I am sore, tired, and b*tchy lol.

have a great weekend!!!