Self Anger

afterthought92 · 04-09-2009, 02:21 PM

Does anyone ever feel the same way I do? Sometimes I just start lashing out a people and getting really frustrated with everything people say. Then I realize I'm being rude and go to be alone. When I do this I get really scary angry. But at myself. Most of the time I listen to music, but I get so angry that I want to rip myself apart or tear out all my hair. I always think about everything that I hate about myself. I'm 16 and weigh 165 lbs! I finally weigh less than my 20 yr old brother at least.

My weight is such a hard issue. My sister is also overweight but doesn't have PCOS and she doesn't really care about losing weight. So I feel like I have no one to talk to. The one person I do lean on is my father. He has been overweight his whole life and he often tells me similar feelings that I have. But I feel like my mother is fake supportive. Like she tells me we're going to make healthy dinners and do a lot of walking. But it never happens. And then she always tries to put chips in my lunch, so I always unpack them so I'm not tempted to eat them.

I've lost about 30 lbs since I was diagnosed (2006-2007 ish) but I still feel really disgustingly fat. I always feel like people are looking at me and judging what I do and what I eat. I hear this is called the spotlight effect where you are concerned that everyone is looking at you and noticing all your little faults. Surprisingly this effects everyone. So the people I think are noticing my mustache (!) are really too concerned about whether their underwear is showing to even notice.

Still I get really angry at myself. Last year I faced a lot of demons when my best friend decided she really didn't care about me anymore. She started to hang out with all the wrong sorts of people and was always smoking or getting high. I didn't want to be around someone like that. AT ALL. But it was hard because she had been my friend my entire life. But when I looked back on it she was really a cause of a lot of my problems. I was always measuring myself against her (blonde, skinny her) and always felt rubbish around her.

Sorry that this is more of a rant than any sort of question or anything. But I guess I just had a lot to write and this is a good place to do it.

So does anyone feel like THIS?

Stelladot_KKE · 04-09-2009, 04:56 PM

Honey, in a word? YES. It's totally normal for your age, and unfortunately, totally normal for women with our horrible condition. I am in my late 20s and still feel rage, shame, etc about my unshrinkable gut, male battern hair loss, and body hair. Let's not even talk about the children I want so badly, but don't have.

While it doesn't totally reverse the condition or its effects, I've found activities like jogging (maybe join the cross-country team at school?), taking extra care with my hair and makeup, being vigilant with depilitory creams, watching what I eat, all help.

You didn't mention how tall you are, so I have no idea how overweight 165 is, if at all. If you still can't lose weight, you may need to be on a higher dose of metformin. I would talk to your doctor, and have him/her explain to your mom the need to keep you eating healthier foods and exercising more.

However, you are very self-aware for your age, and it's fantastic that you had the presence of mind to distance yourself from your toxic "friend".

alexandria24 · 04-09-2009, 07:58 PM

Yeah. I feel the same way you do. It's hard, especially when the people around you don't really understand what's going on with you. My family is still telling me I need to just eat less and exercise more so I can be healthy. It doesn't matter how much I tell them I'm IR, and have PCOS. Somehow it's my fault I'm overweight.

And sometimes I agree with them. I don't know. Being dx'd was a hard hit on me, and I'm still trying to deal. I think having a support site like this helps a little. At least on here, people know what you're going through.

afterthought92 · 04-11-2009, 03:59 AM

Thank you both. I does feel good sometimes knowing you are not alone. I've been trying to take up jogging on my own (but unfortunately the weather has been preventing me from doing it regularly until it warms up a bit) and I defintely have been trying to watch what I eat. I just need to get a little better about it. I'm already a vegetarian so the only big problems are breads, and junk food. I'm about 5'4 so I'm not terribly overweight. I felt good at one point, nice and comfortable in my body. But then I went and saw my endocrinologist and she basically yelled at me for not losing more weight saying "it should be easy because you're young". Believe it or not, she is no longer my endocrinologist. It's hard when your parents are divorced and the house you are at most of the time doesn't have a treadmill and keeps tempting little objects of food around the house. But I'm glad for all the support.

Stelladot_KKE · 04-12-2009, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by afterthought92

Thank you both. I does feel good sometimes knowing you are not alone. I've been trying to take up jogging on my own (but unfortunately the weather has been preventing me from doing it regularly until it warms up a bit) and I defintely have been trying to watch what I eat. I just need to get a little better about it. I'm already a vegetarian so the only big problems are breads, and junk food. I'm about 5'4 so I'm not terribly overweight. I felt good at one point, nice and comfortable in my body. But then I went and saw my endocrinologist and she basically yelled at me for not losing more weight saying "it should be easy because you're young". Believe it or not, she is no longer my endocrinologist. It's hard when your parents are divorced and the house you are at most of the time doesn't have a treadmill and keeps tempting little objects of food around the house. But I'm glad for all the support.

Well, bread can be a huge problem - unless you eat whole grain breads, regular white bread can make you release a ton of insulin that your body can't absorb. Which, in addition to making you gain more weight, is even more unhealthy for you. I assume you've been to a nutritionist who's taught you about eating low on the glycemic index? I'm no nutritionist, but if you want, you can PM me and I'll send you some tips.

And it's not that you can't eat bread or junk food period, it's that you can only eat small amounts of it, as a treat. When I was first dx'd, I tried to cut it out entirely, and for me at least, it was easier to "be good" when I was allowed to cheat once in awhile.

I do believe that story about your endo, sadly - I hope you and/or your parents reported her to the state board? There is no excuse for such stupidity/insensitivity in a specialist, for crying out loud. Have you found a new endo, who hopefully has put you on metformin?

Finally, about your parents - they both need to be on board with helping you on this. Do you have a friend's mom, a new endo, someone who could explain to the unsupportive parent that you have a metabolic disorder and need their support in making the right food and exercise choices? It's hard when you're a teenage girl, I imagine - eating disorders and/or people who can stuff their faces and never gain an ounce are far more the norm in your demographic... PCOS is rare enough among adults. Maybe you could ask for a used treadmill, elliptical machine, or something for your birthday? You could get one for maybe $50-$100 on Craigslist or something...

JoyannaWants2BaMommy · 04-12-2009, 10:43 PM

i was having that problem this morning, screaming at dh cause he won't help me clean up. i get tired of the same old problems, and i have days where my main thought is that i give up. i am tired of all the extra work and effort that goes into being just 50 lbs overweight, not 100. or having just a few breakouts instead of a pizza face. it's like im never going to get any better so why try. after years of dieting and exercising and meds when can i lose another 10 or 15 lbs. i have given up on 170. il settle for 185. just give me something. and then this afternoon all the anger and bitterness has me thinking i don't need to get pg and be a mom. that i will be a bad mom. that i don't deserve it. that if i could get pg i would just get so ridiculously fat that i would want to drive off a cliff!
oh man, im kinda glad we all have those days. i feel so weird when im like this. its just on of those days where i want to give up so im not getting dissapointed anymore.

beavetm17 · 04-12-2009, 11:15 PM

I can totally relate to yours and everyone's story, espcially Joyanna. I was diagnosed at 18 and I was so embarassed by my looks. Now that I am older, I am embarrassed about my looks and that I cannot have children on my own. I sometimes wish that my want to be a mother would just go away, but I don't think that it will. What really sucks is that I have been doing laser hair removal and it has not helped very much at all. That has been such a huge blow to my hopes of feeling/looking normal. I'm really trying to just go with it.
Tiffany

afterthought92 · 04-13-2009, 08:23 PM

I have a better endo now, I've only seen her once, but she's seems a lot better suited to me and my needs.

I only eat wheat breads, but I like it wayyyy too much. But I'm getting better about amounts and eating only until I'm on the verge of full not completely stuffed. Then I think I'm going to get back to what I used to do when I first tried to lose weight. Which is drink a glass of water after my meal. This was actually a suggestion from my old therapist who did it after each of his meals. He told me it would make you feel more satisfied without being completely stuffed. And it does work. I just need to put it more into practice.

If I could find an inexpensive workout machine I might be able to save up myself and get it, in the meantime jogging on my own. Or I could ask my mom to renew my YMCA membership. I did actually go there when I did have a membership. I know that money isn't the easiest (brother in college, sister about to go to college) but I think that maybe her and my dad could afford it. I know they try to be supportive and this would be something that would really help me.

Thank you everybody who commented. Ever since I've been on this website I feel a lot better about myself knowing I'm not alone. Of course there's still the bad days, and times when I feel like I'm being strangled by my own body, but that's when I have support.

It is hard though, especially being a teenage girl, with the image of pretty equaling skinny and upperlip hair free. And with everybody freaking out about bulemia and anorexia. But all the times I've even CONSIDERED these they were only passing moments in which I felt hopeless. Last year though I battled with these feelings through a personal narrative I had to write for my lit class. It followed the thread of me talking with time. The first chapter I looked at my past. The second, my present. And the third, to my future, where I observed an anorexic self. This helped me a lot in that I was able to battle with myself through writing into knowing that I should just stay the course of dieting and exercise, and not fall prey to eating disorders.

mkkelly · 04-23-2009, 03:04 AM

i get so sad sometimes, especially when i read stories like these. Women who feel guilty for how they look. Admitedly, we know we are making mistakes. I'll agree that i am often guilty of eating the wrong things in the wrong proportions, and i hate myself for it. but i get so sad that we feel like failures. and i think its everyone- women of all shapes and sizes. Women are taught that no matter what, whatever they do just isn't enough. thats what makes me sad. Damned straight i'm going to **** it up every now and then- but chances are, i'm bound to make more and more mistakes when i don't feel like i'm worthy of whats good. its a self fulfilling prophecy. we don't let ourselfs have what we don't think we deserve. thats what makes me sad. believe me, i know the weight issues are hard. I'm over weight, and always have been. but. for me, getting mad at my self doesn't make me improve.