Self-image daily thread - Page 103

wish_on_stars · 07-27-2008, 07:47 PM

Oooh, I just feel like crap. I'm so concerned about my appearance. It has always been a huge deal for me. I feel like a balloon and I have touching my face and feeling acne and stubble. I don't know if I'm feeling up to making a big post. Today I'm just self conscious about my appearance.

I have vowed to never post a picture online. I have before. See, some internet friend felt I was too ugly to chat with or something, so yeah. That wound and other wounds reopen every once in a while and I'm left feeling worthless and like the ugliest THING alive.

I also feel pretty sad that I don't really have anyone to share those feelings with. Nobody understands. And I tell the boyfriend, who is my best friend, but he can't understand and I mean, I'm sure he's had enough of my stupid issues, you know?

Just feel so alone and mopey.

Naymarie · 07-28-2008, 02:31 PM

HUGS for all!!! Remember even though we can't see each other and feel that each of us is another real body going through what we are - we are still here! Just reach out and tag someone

And as for me... today is kinda up and down and all over. I have testing to get into school this week and I'm very nervous because of how long it's been since I've done some of the stuff they will be testing on. But if I succeed I'll be able to start my new life!

Another issue I have currently is that, even though I will have one of my best friends right next to me, I'm scared for my venture on Saturday! I'll be getting my first massage and am afraid of going because of my size and then all the acne scars ect all over my body. I just keep reminding myself to breath... so far it works

matilda12 · 07-28-2008, 06:08 PM

I know exactly what you mean wish_on_stars. I have four older sisters and none of them have PCOS (thank goodness as I wouldn't wish it on anyone) but they just don't get me. They listen to me vent but after a while I think they also get tired of it. It's so hard to keep up with everything sometimes. My weight, stubble, acne, thinning hair. Not to mention the depression and crazy mood swings.

One day when I was so depressed I barely even made it in to the office, my coworker said "you just like being miserable". I have a friend that I can't really hang out with anymore because all she wants to do is go out to eat and she doesn't understand how much I struggle with diets. And she's the first to say "go ahead, you know you want dessert".

Bottom line is, take your support wherever you can get it. Until I stumbled across this site I hated that I didn't have anyone that understood me. Now I feel better just reading the posts and seeing that others are going through the same thing.

I hope this helped and that you're having a better day today. : )

matilda12 · 07-31-2008, 01:41 PM

I've been going along for weeks feeling okay about looks (not good, but I wasn't hating myself). Today I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see the beginnings of a bald spot, right in front. My hair is getting so thin there that I can see my scalp. It absolutely kills me that my hair is thinning. I can handle the weight problem, the acne, even the facial hair doesn't get me down like losing my hair does. These other symptoms have treatments but my dermatologist told me straight out that there is no cure for hair loss and what's gone will never grow back.

Not once in my entire life have I ever been called pretty, but folks would always tell me how beautiful my hair was. Now it's being taken away from me and that hurts like hell because what will I have after that? There will be nothing pretty about me at all and I know it. And that sucks.

Thanks for letting me vent...

candycarolina · 08-07-2008, 02:32 PM

im newly bregnant n i already feel bloated andfat but then again i already was bloated and fat lol i guess ifi cant laugh at myself what elsecan i do

Cymbidium · 08-13-2008, 08:35 PM

I really hate my self, especially after this recent miscarriage. I feel like my body can't do anything right, not even what God intended women to do. I just feel like my body has failed me.

And now I feel better that I have actually admitted that.

candycarolina · 08-14-2008, 03:45 PM

i feel very sdick and very tired tired but tings are looking up

Serenity21 · 08-20-2008, 04:29 AM

Ever since i was diagnosed with PCOS, I feel completely insecure with my body. I haven't seen any unusual hair growth, but i did notice weight gain, hairloss in the shower, and acne. After being on some meds i have lost weight and im probably in the best shape ive been in for awhile, but im still insecure. I have random breakouts of acne and refuse to go out during this embarassment. People think im crazy when i tell them i dont feel attractive and i was thinking about it...i really think i have a problem with my body image because PCOS affects every feminine aspect of my life. I feel like its stripping my femininity away from me. So, maybe i don't look as hiteous as i lead to believe, but i still feel BLAH. Yup, that's the best word out of the english language i could think of in describing the way i feel towards my appearance, yes. hahaha

Cymbidium · 08-20-2008, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Naymarie

Another issue I have currently is that, even though I will have one of my best friends right next to me, I'm scared for my venture on Saturday! I'll be getting my first massage and am afraid of going because of my size and then all the acne scars ect all over my body. I just keep reminding myself to breath... so far it works

Nay- I'm sorry about your apprehension. I love getting massages, but I used to worry about it too. What I tell myself is that I am never going to see that person again, so why do I care? But the massage therapists job is to put you at ease, and I am sure they have seen it all. If you really want to have a laugh when you are on the table think about the guys that get a massage and get a little too excited, and then they are asked to flip over. That's embarrassing, your body is not.

Have fun and relax! Enjoy it!

TheGigglingFrog · 08-21-2008, 05:53 AM

I am so ashamed of my body... I feel so betrayed! It isn't fair! Why me? I can hardly go outside to check the mail for fear that the neighbors are going to see me looking like the slob I have let myself become. It seems so easy for *normal* women... they all run around looking pretty and happy and I can only sloth through my day. I am getting so fat! 280 pounds... it's outrageous and I can't seem to stop! The Dr recommended Atkins to get weight down quickly so we can start TTC next spring, but I'm afraid to start for the disappointment of another failure. I know that moving my body would help and I want to start swimming again, but the thought of getting into a swimsuit completely shuts me down! I'm worried that I won't be able to handle being a mother if the universe sees fit for us to be blessed. I'm so scared of letting DH down if I can't bear his children. I don't feel like a woman... I'm sick of the images I see everywhere of women who I don't resemble at all.... I'm huge! Six feet tall and fat, I don't blend in, no way to be a wall flower... and with facial hair, I'm surprised I'm not mistaken for a man! I have let myself go so much! I think part of it is an identity crisis from getting married and changing my name... I know I am not my label, but if I'm not that, then who am I? Who do I want to be? I want to be the thin, beautiful woman I was at 20... the one who turned heads all the time, where did she go? Why am I hiding her? Why am I so scared of other people's thoughts of me? I know it is highly unlikely that people will ever say anything cruel, but I feel like I can hear their thoughts when they look at me and I know that is all in my head, the same stupid record playing over and over... how do I get a new album to play? How do I learn to love my body and enjoy moving it? How do I get rid of this deep shame that I am not acceptable? This is not living! It's not fair that my hormones send me into the deep dark moods! It's just not fair and I'm sick of people saying life isn't fair... they aren't fat and hairy, scared of leaving the house, possibly infertile, betrayed by their body and emotions... they don't know what a trap and torture this existence is! They say, just go to the gym... well that's fine and dandy when you are a skinny minny, but when you are the fatest person there it is a horrible painful and shameful experience... I know everyone looks at me and sees a dorrito stuffing monster, they can't see my effed up insides to know that I have a big barrier to loosing the weight I carry... I can see them rolling their eyes now... oh yeah, sure it's hormones, if hormones are big macs... Why does my chattering brain chatter on about everything negative... how do I switch that river of nasty thoughts to flow in a different direction? I am so tired of this battle with myself... I just want to be at peace about my physical appearance, to see how beautiful I am, to know that I am fully a woman.

pfew... that was quite a large emotional dump... thank you for having a place to put all this rubbish I have been carrying!

MetroRunner · 08-22-2008, 12:00 AM

PCOS - why didn't I find you out earlier? Ten years ago, I stopped bleeding regularly. Ten years ago, my 100 lbs frame bloated up to 30 lbs in a matter of months - and fluctuated until I reach my high today of 140. Yes, it's not as bad as many cysters have gone through, and I've always considered myself lucky - however, I've always felt alone... Completely alone.

I am passionate about style... Not a fashionista as I am not a follower, but I love creatively expressing myself in clothes. For years, I gazed myself in mirrors and often cry, thinking to myself - what's with the balloon around the middle? Why cant' it go away? I'm skinnny elsewhere but the balloony thing did not allow buttons to close or zippers to zip up all the way... And I envy the women who complained about their saddlebags, their hips, and their butt - because they had curves that say WOMAN all over them whereas I had a belly that seemed to have taken the femininity out of me.

And as an Asian-Canadian cyster - family and friends compared me to my peers. Look how slender they are... And look at you? You wear a size 6? Wow you're fat... You wear a size 10? You really must go on a diet or you'll be obese! So not only am I NOT a woman, my "Asianness" is in question as well!

Yes, I am indeed lucky to be the way I am... But had I not known that there are such people as "soul cysters", I would not have seen or known other women who have cried the same tears. I am not alone anymore... And I don't feel so hopeless anymore.

One of these days, we will all overcome PCOS. We will be healthier, happier, and it will NOT take away from our happiness!

stacyjk · 08-22-2008, 04:48 PM

OMG I was leaving SA and I heard some men say" that chick (me) has a mustache--"lovely, I hate people. I am doing laser hair removal now, obviously it is not working. I want to cry and cry and cry.........

TheGigglingFrog · 08-22-2008, 05:11 PM

People can be so shallow and rude... I always like to think that whatever cruel thing a person comments on about another, ends up coming back and afflicting the person... probably not true, but makes me feel better

vinaria · 08-22-2008, 05:51 PM

I just want to say that I am crying now cause I'm feeling so alone in this world,don't have a man and all because of the excess hair!
1st Semptember will be my 1st day at work and I 'm so sad about that .Mostly because the hair.
I want to die I don't have any will to keep on fighting with this.

PuppyLove · 08-24-2008, 09:59 AM

Argghhh my self image is soooooo bad. I just hate the way I look. Yesterday I celebrated my 38th birthday with my closest friends. I made a real effort to look good, and took my camera as I do everywhere I go, my best friend (who is just gorgeous!!) took some photo's of me and OMG it just confirmed why I HATE getting photos taken of me. I look horrendous, like a great BIG heffer, my face is so completely different to when I'm slimmer, it's so damn depressing **cry**. I'm constantly finding more and more hairs on my neck, face and chin and my best friends daughter called me a "she man" the other day because of how hair my arms are, yer great .... I know!!!!

As for my moods especially depression . I'm just so so so so so over it! I'm sick of living like this. Feeling like absolutely crap all the time. My body aches constantly, I get pins and needles and numbness in my hands, I get constant headaches and migraines, I can't sleep properly, either sleep very little or way too much, my skin is breaking out in pimples (I'm 38 for gods sake!), I'm fat, I'm so uncomfortable in my body, I hate it, I hate looking in the mirror or seeing my reflection anywhere, it makes me want to vomit to see how gross I look. I've been single for 14 months and can't see a man ever finding me attractive again, with how I look right now. If I was a man, I wouldn't want me!!!!!

My eating is out of control, I either eat nothing or eat crap. I just don't care anymore. I sick of having to think about every single thing that goes into my mouth. I hate food, food is my enemy, food makes me ugly and fat, I have major issues with food!! What a bloody basket case, hopeless.

I have to find another psych to see as my old one hasn't helped me much at all and the last time I saw him he played down PCOS and IR, saying that it's "very common" and more of less "get over it" yeh thanks for that, you're a great bloody help ~ how the f*ck would you know ... typical f*cking man!!!!

I'm angry, I'm depressed, I feel hopeless and pathetic. Something has to change soon because I've been living like this for far too long ... there just has to be more to life.. where's the joy, the happiness??????????