I feel like a huge disgusting monster too. I am 31 and the last of my friends just got engaged so we have been dress shopping. I am so happy for her but it pains me to know I shall be alone for the rest of my life. It feels like I will never have any affection or sex ever again. I am virtually covered with hair all over my body and even shaving daily now leaves a nasty stubbly rash. I have weird rash under my boobs too and on my inner thighs, I guess where they are warm and rub. I look at my body and feel physically sick. I absolutely hate this beast-like creature I have become and long to feel like a proper woman. I am so insecure, have no confidence and want to hide away. I am ashamed when anyone even looks at me. I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this it is no way to exist...
__________________ 31yr old British Cyster To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. My best wishes to all sufferers, may you find the inner strength & support you need - you're not alone! PCOS: Dxd Jan'06 but suffering since '86 - severe hirsutism, mild HS, IBS-D, PMS & depression Meds: Spiro & Gluc SR Considering WLS but scared silly To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. want to do it all naturally myself!
Short Term Goal:
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(I love this thread! Such a great idea! I'm jumping in for the firs time!)
There are times when I feel so non-feminine. I wear always wear make-up and usually wear pretty jewelry, I love dressing up, and I love painting my nails...the standard physically feminine things...but inside, I don't know... I just don't feel womanly.
I think it has a lot to do with my personality (I'm very independant, loud, etc. - the opposite of the cliche feminine qualities) but I also feel like its much deeper.
I feel that somehow, this lack of femininity is what is keeping me from finding someone, or the reason why men don't seem to notice me, ask me out, etc.
It's sooo frustrating. I don't want to have to fake it by acting differently, getting my nails and hair done more often...I just want to ~feel~ it, naturally.
Last night was girls night and my friends and I started talking about boyfriends/sex/etc. I feel like I'm such an outcast... they know I'm still at virgin at 21, but I haven't told them that I have never been out on a date and have never had a boyfriend...I've been kissed, but it was by my best friend when he was completely wasted, so I don't count it. I'm starting to feel like I'm never going to get those "first" opportunities, and if I do, my age is going to make them completely weird/embarassing.
Phew! That felt so good to rant a bit!
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I am glad to have found this thread. It seems that a lot of women in general feel that if they had someone their self image would improve, but that is not the case for me. I am very lucky, I am married to a wonderful man who tries his best to understand me and PCOS and my many moods and he truly loves me. My problem is that I don't love myself. My mother is beautiful, thin and gets lots of attention from men, even now into her 50's. My idea of beauty was her and she held it to me and when I started my PCOS symptoms, the fact that I looked badly is why I went to the doc. She offered to pay me to lose weight, my Dad still does (I am 27 years old!). I guess that I just look at all the body hair and my belly and even my face and I see masculinity, not femininity. I am blonde and my hair on my face is reddish, which is causing the laser treatments to be ineffective (fyi for the person who wants to be blonde, its not a picnic either) and I just don't know what to do anymore. I am working hard to lose weight, but I lose it so slowly that I want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder why bother with anything, I can't have children, I look like a dude, etc... and I judge myself very critically. I am glad to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. I just want to be beautiful and I'm not sure that will ever happen.
Lately I have just not cared. Part of it is my depression over my best friend's death, part of it is my looks. I have gained 20, maybe 30 lbs. NOTHING looks good on me.. I look in the mirror and can't stand to look at myself.. I usually avoid mirrors. My hair is so ugly and dry and tangly I can't do a think about it. I think how in the world can my hubby be attracted to me when I look like this? He always tells me I am beautiful but I just don't see it. I really want to stick to this diet and I have been doing good, but I just feel so deprived.. even though I remain full throughout the day, I just want to eat something good! Ugh.. and all of this hair.. I hate shaving everything, it grosses me out. And I am OCD so I am always picking out my hairs for hours and hours at end, sometimes I dig into my skin and have these horrible sores which makes me a million times uglier. I just want to curl up and die sometimes.. I hate being so self-centered about my looks but they are so important to me!
Honestly, I feel on top of the world today, ain't nothing going to bring me down. I have had PCOS symptoms for 14 years. Through all that self-loathing, suicide attempts, frustration, anger, pain, and questioning my belief in God, not one doctor has ever put the pieces together. No one has cared that I am a human being with feelings. I have been judged too ugly to deal with by society. But not now. As of yesterday I have a diagnosis. There is a ray of hope at the end of the tunnel for me. I have a condition, and I'm not a sideshow freak because God hates me. Maybe my symptoms will never really clear up, maybe I won't have children, maybe I have increased risk for cardiovascular disease, but AT LEAST I HAVE A REASON.
My only regret is how much of my life I have wasted to depression and social anxiety over a disease my physicians should have seen 14 years ago.
Nothing has been going right this week, I'm emotional, depressed, grumpy, even my husband doesn't want to be around me. I have terrible sleeping habits which are about impossible to change cause I can't sleep in the first places, and depression keeps me from wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I feel alone, I'm tired of fighting about things that my husband doesn't understand of what's going on with me with PCOS, he expects it to be gone with a magic pill. I'm tired of feeling like one minute I'm going to cry and the next I want to throw something, and then the next I'm as happy as ever. I want to feel pretty for once, and not have to double check if I plucked my chin!... I want to stop crying today.
Today I felt hopeless. I've just started my meds, and I feel like there's no end in sight. I'm coming to terms with the illness, but that means having to come to terms with how I look. Losing weight used to me so easy for me. Now it is a daily struggle. I also noticed today that my hairline has started receding. My hair has always been my best feature. I've been crying over it on and off all day. I hate this ****ing disease.
I feel crappy today. God my period the other day couldn't stand up... today the pain has subsided, but still was bad, emotions are twice as much out of wack as usual... cried a lot. Feel terrible. And tired.
Talked with my husband for the first time about the excess hair today... he said some very nice things, but still feel miserable.
__________________ Me: 22 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. DH: 25
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Diagnosed w/PCOS in 2003 Currently taking a break from the Nutrilite System due to Pregnancy Going back to my doctor who diagnosed me and hoping for the best! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Confused. Metformin does absolutely nothing after many months. Kind of wondering what it was supposed to do in the first place. None of the symptoms are gone, no easier to lose weight. And there's no other pill that the doctor can tell me of, no matter what the internet says. Called 'sir' again today. Sir, move over. Sir, did you hear me? Move over. Ohsh*t, that's a woman. Sir you aint a woman are you?
This needs to end. If there is no treatment then there is no hope.
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Im having a bad day... Then again, maybe not sooo bad. I found this site! thats great, but at the same time Im pretty down. Probly cause AF is visiting... Its been 2 years and i have it again ironicly the last time was for my honeymoon and next week is my second anniversary. (i only even have it because of the progesterin my doc put me on)
I feel like its just not worth it to get up in the morning, i know im depressed, and i know some of my drama is uncalled for. I have a great DH that supports me and loves me regardless of my weight, my hair growth, my moods and all the rest... but at the same time i feel like he avoids me. Like, am i crazy or does he really find reasons to stay on the computer till 5 am? He tells me he just cant sleep, i feel like hes just not interested in being with me anymore...
Some days im perfectly normal(emotionally) and some im just a mess. Just wish there were more sane days then days i just loose it...
Do you ever wonder how you even manage to pull yourself out of bed? I tend to be okay for the first hr or so in the morning and then I start to fall apart inside. I'm trying to deal with a fair amount of loss currently but I just keep managing to stuff it all in... instead of letting it out. I spend my days alone this time of year due to farming stuff taking first priority. I, then, find myself spending too much time online and I further isolate myself. I have time off between semesters at school and have so much to do but it's as if I look at it and don't even know where to start. I'm great at making lists... so great at it that I even start redoing my hand written lists because they aren't neat enough - my OCD tenancies kick in and that isn't ever a good thing! And I'm really feeling like my old habits need to die.... but they sure are dying hard! I'm proud that I've not gone out for ice cream every night this last week... but that is only due to having substitutions for it! I try to plan meals out but then just say eh, it's just me why cook?! I have managed to gain back part of what I lost and that isn't making me have motivation either. It just makes me say... look what you did, again, shame on you - you can't succeed at anything!
Pretty sure I'm going to crawl into bed now and think about what kind of day I'm going to make tomorrow since I'm the only one who has the power to change myself!
__________________ Renee (Nay) 27 & Jeff (DH) 28
My Newfie (Lisa) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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my "kids" 1 retriever Lucky; and 1 Goldendoodle Fozzie
Dx: PCOS March 13, 2000
Other Dx: PTSD, Depression/Anxiety, Fibro, Sleep Apnea, High BP
Rx:Metformin 1500mgER, Prenatal Vits, Provera 10day
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I know this may not be the right place to post this, but I have to get it out.
This was my first cycle that Clomid actually worked and I ovulated. Then 11 days later AF came. And it came on heavy. Now all that keeps running through my mind is that I now have to go on to cycle 3 on Clomid and if that doesn't work then I only have 2 cycles left, then we move on to something else. More money, more emotional let down if it doesn't happen. I had a miscarriage in December and ever since I have felt consumed with the emotional let down everytime I get my period. My thoughts keep racing about what if it doesn't happen, how are we going to afford IVF if needed. I know I can't live witht he "what ifs". I haven't talked to one of my close friends because she is due 2 weeks after I should have had my baby and she already has a 2 year old. We have been trying for a year and a half and I don't know how much more I can take of this. I feel like I am losing it.
__________________ Aim for the moon, even if you miss you will end up in the stars
Actually feeling pretty good about myself today... I looked in the mirror and for once in the last several years I liked what I saw. I don't know what makes today any different than any other day?
__________________ Me: 22 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. DH: 25
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Diagnosed w/PCOS in 2003 Currently taking a break from the Nutrilite System due to Pregnancy Going back to my doctor who diagnosed me and hoping for the best! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
... well, my hair looks decent today, and that's about a once-a-month deal. So that's good. Still printing out tons of information about surgeries for my next doctors appointment because I haven't been able to look in a mirror without flinching since I was seven. Ehh day..
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Well I'm noticing again that my social anxiety is appearing at it's finest. When I was going to classes on a regular basis it wasn't so bad after the first week or so... but with this lull I feel like I'm becoming a hermit! And AF showed up today damn her! I guess this is again attempt one after a few months off from TTC... I thought we were done with this crap but apparently adoption isn't what he's looking for right now! I want to cry, but can't for fear of showing him that I'm really feeling ****ting about it again. I am hoping and praying he'll go to the doctor soon since it takes two of us to be on the right track for this to work!
Keeping fingers crossed about jobs - his interview and my application - I'll do almost anything to keep this roof over our heads!
Ladies, I hope that the sunshine and warm(ish) weather finds you a ray of hope - and a smile on your beautiful faces!!! xoxo
__________________ Renee (Nay) 27 & Jeff (DH) 28
My Newfie (Lisa) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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my "kids" 1 retriever Lucky; and 1 Goldendoodle Fozzie
Dx: PCOS March 13, 2000
Other Dx: PTSD, Depression/Anxiety, Fibro, Sleep Apnea, High BP
Rx:Metformin 1500mgER, Prenatal Vits, Provera 10day
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