Self-image daily thread

[x sobriquet x]

Today didn't start out too well for me, I went to classes and as usual I went into my bathroom in my dorm and looked at myself in the mirror. I hate the fact that I'm always broken out, my face looks horrible. I then looked at my body in the mirror, and I hate to say it but I feel jealous of my two roommates. They're both so skinny and beautiful and I'm not. I just feel like a blimp next to them. I've also been feeling really depressed, after my diagnosis things have gone downhill. My friend died in a car crash at the young age of 22 in June and then my uncle passed away in November and just a few days before Christmas my longterm boyfriend (13 months) broke up with me. I feel lousy, I just want to be normal for once and have a good relationship because having someone love me makes me feel prettier.

[babycheeks]

Today feels like one of those days where I wanna scream, cry and break things. It feels like this on going battle never ends. I agree with the other posts the daily plucking shaving and hiding this and that gets to me as well. I also feel like I am letting DH down by not doing what a "normal" women can do by giving him a child. God help me today!

[roxyvet]

HEY SISTERS, IT'S BEEN A WHILE. THINGS HAVE BEEN HECTIC FOR ME AND I REALIZE THAT THIS KEEPS MY MIND OF THE PCOS AND THE STRUGGLE TO LIVE WITH IT EVERYDAY.
MY WEIGHT IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM AND IT HAD ME REALLY DEPRESSED FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS. SINCE I STOPPED TAKING METFORMIN BECAUSE IT CAUSED CHRONIC GASTRITIS, I STARTED GAINING WEIGHT AGAIN. IT WASN'T NOTICEABLE UNTIL LATELY THAT EVERYBODY IS TELLING ME ABOUT IT.
WELL, I DECIDED TO TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS SINCE I WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE MY GYNO UNTIL NEXT MONTH. I HAVE A HEALTHY BREAKFAST EVERY MORNING, A REGULAR LUNCH (NOT TOO MUCH) AND 1 SLIM FAST FOR SUPPER. IN BETWEEN I SNACK WITH FRUITS, GRANOLA BAR OR YOGHURT. I HAVE TO SNACK BECAUSE OF MY STOMACH. SO FAR, I HAVEN'T NOTICED ANY WEIGHT LOSS (ALTHOUGH SOMEONE TOLD ME I AM LOSING WEIGHT) BUT AT LEAST I AM NOT GAINING ANYMORE!!
TODAY WAS MY HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY AND EVEN THOUGH HE IS FAR AWAY (HE IS IN HAWAII AND I AM IN BELIZE) I FELT GOOD. EVERYDAY IS A CHALLENGE FOR ME SINCE HE IS FAR AWAY AND I LIVE FAR AWAY FROM MY FAMILY. BUT, KNOWING THAT HE LOVES ME GIVES ME STRENGTH.
OKAY, ENOUGH FOR NOW. I JUST WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT THERE IS HOPE. FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS, I HAD BEEN DESPAIRING BUT I AM FEELING BETTER TODAY. I ONLY HOPE THAT TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kenyartist]

Roxyvet thanks for the shred of hope. I've been so depressed lately. I started shaving my chest in addition to my chin and I lost it! I pulled my scarf off and saw the pieces of my hair that have shaped around what looked like male pattern baldness and I snapped. I shaved my head completely while crying. I've stayed in bed for 3 days depressed. I finally showered today. My husband is so upset with me. He says that he is sick of me being depressed. He says that I should be grateful for what I have. I know he's right but I can't help feeling like I am less than a woman. What women shaves like a man, and can't have kids without drugs?! I feel so crappy. But I showered today, and stepped out of the house. I'm hoping that tommorow would bring better things, and I can slowly get out of my funk.

[roxyvet]

HEY KENYARTIST,
I'M SORRY THAT YOU ARE NOT DOING WELL. ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT THERE ARE GOOD TIMES AND THERE ARE BAD ONES. YOU ARE GOING THROUGH A BAD ONE RIGHT NOW, BE STRONG AND REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE A WOMAN. ALL WOMEN ARE STRONG BY NATURE. LOOK OR THAT STRENGHT INSIDE OF YOU. YOU CAN'T LET THIS THING BEAT YOU!! GET UP AND FIGHT AGAINST IT.
I HAVE AN IDEA OF HOW YOU FEEL. ALL I CAN SAY IS BE STRONG!
ON ANOTHER NOTE, WHAT MEDS ARE YOU TAKING? BEING ONLY ON CLOMID MIGHT HELP WITH YOUR FERTILITY BUT THAT DOESN'T HELP WITH THE HORMONAL IMBALANCE. I ALWAYS SAY THAT "HORMONES RULE AND WE DROOL". THIS IS PROBABLY WHAT IS CAUSING YOUR DEPRESSION. YOU SHOULD CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT THIS. TRY TO EAT SOME MORE VEGETABLES, MILK AND WALK FOR AT LEAST 15 MINUTES EVERYDAY. YOU WOULD BE SURPIZED AT HOW MUCH BETTER THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL.
I AM NOT MUCH OF A DIETER OR GOOD AT EXERCISING BUT THESE LITTLE CHANGES, HELP IMPROVE MY MOOD.
ALSO, TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND THAT HE NEEDS TO HELP YOU AND HOLD YOUR HAND THROUGH ALL THIS, NOT CRITICIZE YOU.
ANYWAY, THAT IS ALL FOR NOW. GO AHEAD AND TELL US HOW YOU FEEL. IT HELPS A LOT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS.

[kenyartist]

Roxyvet you're awesome. My doc just started me on 1500 mg of Met. I was having bad diarrhea mostly but I took honeybear's advice and spaced out my meds throughout the day and thus far it's been fine. I'm already petite so the weight loss is a little weird. I'm also on an Insulin resistance diet. I'm have to wait untill March to talk to my doc about the depression and start Clomid in March. I have to wait that long because she's waiting for my hubby's sperm sample to come back, then start me on Clomid. So I figured I'd wait until that appointment to talk about how depressed I've been.

I'M DOING MUCH BETTER!! I'm in counseling with the hubby and and a professional and I'm using this an excuse to spoil myself. It sucks to have so many of the symptoms (hair loss, bad skin from being so oily, hair growth on my chin and chest and of course the wonderful cysts on the ovaries), but I am dealing with it, and I've got some cute wigs.

Oh and my hubby and I have talked in depth, and he explained how hurt he is to watch me go through this. And of course it hurts that we're still not pregnant after a year and half so far, but he's been very supportive.

I'm going to try not cry over having to shave more than the average girl. And although my hair starts balding in the back I'll cover it. And I feel that we'll eventually be blessed with a child. So my spirit is in a good place, and all is well right now. I hope all is well with all of you ladies. And please do keep in touch.

[blusoul]

Well today I feel out of place like I just don't belong to any place. I look in the mirror and see something very plain with hair. I have tried to get rid of the hair but it grows back I need to loose weight but have not gotten serious about it. I dress too old but then again I feel old and only 28
I have a daughter now something I have wanted my entire life but it still doesn't feel real I was told I could most likely never have children never know what it feels like to be a mother so I voided myself and have yet to allow myself to get too close to her but I love her so much. My marriage is crap but I hold on maybe I think something great will come of it something that I missed something that will be different but I don't think I will ever trust him again and wonder why I allowed him to come back into my life one that I have created that works well well worked well I bought a house without him got a better job without him I had moved on but allowed him back anyway though he had a child during our marriage that wasn't mine he constantly cheated on me and the disrespect has always been evident and again I believe he is here to use me in some way but there is nothing left nothing left to take I am drained completely and utterly done
then I look in the mirror again and see all my success as a human being and not the flaws of PCOS or any other thing that might be bothering me like chromosone 18 micro deletion which I and my daughter share or the dry skin on my feet or the dry scalp or the constant heart burn, or the list can go on but all in all I thank god every day for the opportunity to be for another day.

Natalie

[kaighly~laurensmom]

Hell everyone,
Well I dont know where to begin, I actually think i need help or something is seriously wrong with me!
I think I am so ugly not even my husband wants me I also have crying episodes all the time. I have no energy at all sometimes I cant even get out of bed which I think is very sad!!I feel like I have no friends at all and that no one likes me or even wants to talk to me!!

Thanks for listening!!

[kenyartist]

Hi ladies, I've read some of your posts and I'm sorry that you're feeling so depressed. I've been so depressed tat I couldn't get out of bed or respond to my family. Don't shut your loved ones out and don't let PCOS take over your life with such gravity. The effects are crappy I know. The side effects of the meds are crappy also. But believe me when I say that you have to learn to manage it and enjoy life. Life is so short, and we have to get through the setbacks. Just try to stay posistive and remember that some where someone is far worse off than you.

Good luck ladies.

[want2beAmum]

hey im fairly new here so im just getting use to this site, but i have had a bad few days, anger rage, sadness, crying, it just sucks having pco. weather sucks, so all these dont help either..... feeling like im worthless today. i always feel ugly and well i am fat! my fiance is always at my side.... very loving and encouraging! im lucky for that.but its a day to day mood change!

[wowiekls]

I just don't know what to do. I am 26 years old and have had PCOS for 11 years. I know that I should be over it and be happy, but I am not. I am so depressed because I feel like no man will ever want me. I want to be married so badly. I want to have a husband that I can take care of, but who would ever want me? I have 2 sisters who were both married by the time they were 21. And here I am 26 and I don't even have a boyfriend. One of my sisters also has PCOS. Her syptoms started showing up about 2 years into her marriage when she started gaining weight. She makes me feel like such a failure. She has managed to stay on her medicine, lose weight get pregnant, and she is perfect. And she looks at me says it isn't that hard, she doesn't understand my problem. Her symptoms are not as severe as mine. I have always been overweight, and I started getting hairgrowth when I was 14. I have the privelage of shaving my face every morning. I also get to shave my chest any morning I want to wear a shirt with the slightest v. My family doesn't understand why I can't just go swimming on a whim, or why I won't change in front of them. The fact is I have to ask my friend to shave my entire back before I can do anything. I want to feel feminine and pretty. But I just don't know how or what to do. I try to lose weight but it gets worse and worse. I keep telling myself it isn't that bad, but considering I can't fit into size 26 anymore, that is pretty bad. I try to diet, but I can't control myself. I am sorry, I feel so guilty, and helpless, and just lost. I just want to crawl in my bed and never get out.

[mlinn]

Some days I feel like I don't want to get out of bed myself. I don't know what has been going on with me lately - but I am crying all the time. I have seldom cried ever in my life if it wasn't at a family members funeral. I feel like my job that I used to love dearly sucks right now - I get *****ed at all the time there. I feel like my boyfriend whom I really love and care about doesn't really give a damn about me and that he is using me(for whatever reason you want to add in here). I am having some financial trouble and am trying to start helping myself instead of helping other people who don't appreciate it..but then I just feel selfish. One acquaintance of mine told me that he and my boyfriend were chatting the other day and my boyfriend told him that he doesn't think I am attractive. It has bothered me ever since. The uncontrollable crying hasn't stopped since then. When I confronted him about it he just said **** like in a I didn't say that tone - but he never ever denied it. I have several guys ask me out on a daily basis...why would this guy even want to be with me if he wasn't attracted? Which just adds fuel to the he is using me fire,huh? The last boyfriend I had sucked because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants - but he was respectful..he did open doors for me,pay for me when we went on dates,even gave me money for gas if I had to come get him before he had access to a vehicle,and bought me presents on the appropriate holidays,he also stopped by my house one night just to bring me a rose - no reason,and bought me a birthday cake for my birthday. He was a royal loser and a druggie - but he respected me when we went out on dates and he was not embarrased to show me off to anyone. This guy who seems from a moral standpoint more outstanding than the former, never pays for a damn thing. Not only did he not buy me gifts for the appropriate holidays - he was just a plain ass about it. Not only did he not show up thanksgiving to my families...he tried to avoid christmas at my families by saying he was embarrased that he didn't have a gift for them after making arrangements ahead of time to go...and I knew better than to expect a damn thing for valentine's day. He promised me he would buy me something...the night before we have this talk where he said he is broke. I told him that was fine - he could write me a card or letter and I would be happy with that. I get there to meet up with him and what does he have waiting for me? Not a damn thing...not even a fifty cent card that said happy valentines day or a letter on plain notebook paper saying something would have been fine. I had had a HORRIBLE day at work that day and was hoping - just hoping for a millisecond he might actually keep his word and do something nice for me to show that he cared...I am still waiting. He always says give me time,give me time,give me time...but how much time can you give before you realize that someone doesn't just only not care for you as a boyfriend,but a friend,either. I sure as hell don't treat my friends like that. I just keep wondering if I was skinner,if I was prettier,if I had the right color hair..whatever thing it may be that this guy I care so much about would love me in return. Some days I think he does and then the majority of days I think he doesn't. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am stuck in a black hole and just keep sinking deeper and deeper in it. I guess I don't blame my bf because when I look at the mirror, I don't see a pretty girl looking back at me either.

Hello everyone! Im a newbie to this recently Dx on March 1st 2007. Im having a terrible day today ive been feeling anxiety lately before my diagnosis and now im just plain depressed. Im not going back to work until wednesday because I had surgery on thursday march 1st I had a D&C and a hysteroscopy. I just feel worthless.. My husband is wonderful to me but i feel like he still doesnt understand. I feel selfish for wanting to to take care of myself but on the same hand I feel why shouldnt I take care of myself I have spent my life doing what makes everyone else happy.. why not do somethings I want to do now? I do not have some of the symptoms of PCOS, I do have polycyistic overies and ive recently been diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure so I guess my struggles are more internal than external but today I still feel worthless. I want to be a woman of purpose and beauty so it is my prayer today that God would reveal Himself to me in a new and amazing way and I would feel useful for myself and my family and that the same prayer and blessing would be for all of you.

[kiwinky]

The last month has been a blur. I haven't felt myself, I haven't been myself.
I chatted with my manager today - and it was a reality check. She said that she noticed my work hadn't been up to its usual standard and that I wasn't my chirpy self. I told her I wasn't at all suprised, and apologised.
I've neglected my PCOS this month. It's making me depressed. I have the sun run (10k) coming up and Im not where near ready. I feel like crying, and like I have to just get all the things on my mind out there. My weight has come back and Im feeling lethargic. No ones fault but my own - buts its still depressing.
People around me are losing weight, and looking good. For me, I know (as most people tell me) it's not my fault I can't lose the weight, but in the long run it is - as Im not pushing myself hard enough to be good to my body. It will take me a month to lose 1lb if that. Regular people - a week to lose 6. *shrugs shoulders*.
Im not looking for sympathy or to be told it all be ok, I just have to get my head around it all and accept that I will have to deal with this for life.
I have hair growing in places I don't want it to, I have hair falling out of places I don't want it to, I've gained weight and have had constant mood swings for the last month. I feel for my boyfriend. He's having to put up with it.
I've been fighting off a cold for the last few weeks to - which doesn't help. All I wanted to do today was come home and cry my eyes out. I wanted to be left alone and not asked to fix the fax machine, or bugged by anyone just wanting to say hi (yes, mean, but I don't care).
I think part of it to is that Im craving some attention - personal attention. You know the kind, to be told "ohw you look nice.." or "you look hot". I can't remember the last time I was told I was beautiful.
Work is work. I know Im only a temp and could lose my job just like that, but thats the price I have to pay if I have to take care of my health first. My manager is pretty understanding - I mean Im getting the work done, Im just not so smiley about it.
I know I can lose the weight, Im not looking to be skinny or whatever - just trim and fit like I used to be. I have to watch EVERYTHING I eat and do. I totally expect my period to be late this month - it's my punshment.
I can talk to some friends at work about it - but I don't think they fully understand how hard it is to know that this is something that I will have forever.Im not asking to be tip toes around, I just want them to realise that standing by my desk talking about how they've lost 10 lbs this month - makes me depressed. The last 2 months I've had my period on time, with no meds at all. Just all me working hard.
I want to hide away in a hole this week and come out of it feeling ok and want to smile.
PCOS sucks but at the same time is the fire behind me to look after myself.

To all the girls out there with PCOS - It's hard, and I understand where you are. Take it a day at a time .

[tattwo]

Hello (((Ladies))),

I don't know where to begin. I was dx in feb 07 by my gyno based off of my physical symptoms. I was in denial because I wasn't tested. So I went to an endi on 3.20 and ot was confirmed that I have PCOS on 3.23. I was relieved because I didn't feel like I was taking the meds in vain but sad that I have to take meds. What I hate most about this condition is that no one really understands what you're going through. Not to mention that I was undiagnosed and misdiagnosed for 20 yrs. I'm 30 now and I started my AF when I was 10. For about 5-7 years, I knew something was wrong with me. I just knew that if I had any children that I would have to take some type of fertility drugs. Back then, I wasn't concerned because I didnt want any kids. But now that I'm 30, I want to have my own family. I'm really kinda scared to date because I didn't know how to explain this condition to someone and plus I'm not feeling that attracted right now. Even before my dx, I was scared to get close to someone because I was like what if he wants children and I want be able to give him children?

I'm african-american and when you are single with no kids and 30? Boy, people look at you like you're a freak. My friend just had a baby and everybody has been asking me when am I going to have kids? All I can say is I don't know. I told my friend about it, but I guess it went in one ear and out the other. I don't know. Also, some people think I'm gay like my father but I don't think he thinks that now. He thoughts off me are phucked up. He thinks that I'm a big girl that I can't get anybody. I had to tell him I'm single by choice. I considered myself to be chubby. Thick in the right places. LOL!!

I hope one day that soulcysters plan a conference or something where we ALL can meet and greet. I feel alone so meeting someone who knows what I'm going through and we can relate to each other without "persecution" will be a good outlet. JMO