self-loathing

GabrielsMom · 04-04-2005, 06:25 PM

I am wondering if anyone can identify with me and/or tell me that this gets better.

I think that I am doing okay, overall, especially for the fact that tomorrow is my due date. My two-week vacation overseas definitely helped me, but I still have BIG lingering issues with my self-esteem. In short, I hate myself. I hate my body. And because of that, I feel that everyone else hates me too. I have this vague sense of paranoia... that everyone is out to get me. That people can't stand me.

I'm trying to not care about what people think of me, but when it comes to my inlaws, it doesn't help to think that they can't stand me anymore. Rationally, I know that they like me, but when we visited them on the aforementioned trip, they seemed to avoid me. My DH told me straight-out that they were worried about saying the wrong thing, but not saying anything at all was WORSE than a well-intentioned "wrong" thing, kwim? My MIL had a long talk about what happened to me with my DH... when I wasn't even AROUND! Am I crazy to be as PO'ed about that as I am? After all, it happened to ME. It was MY baby too. And by not talking about it or anything else "adult" and "important" with me, I felt extremely left-out. I felt like crap. It would helped me to talk about it, to know that they cared and most importantly, that they didn't blame me.

I used to be so social... if there was a big group of people, I would love to be there in the middle of it. Now the mere thought makes me cringe. I can't stand people and I feel like they all hate me.

Anyone else? It would help me to feel less alone.... and that I'm NOT going crazy.

ReneeBeth · 04-04-2005, 06:52 PM

I don't know how much help I can be, but I feel the same way. But, I feel like that because I have social anxiety disorder.
I think it's harder when family, and those crappy in-laws, and just not there for you, and avoid the hell out of you. My in-laws hate me, have forever, so I wasn't too shocked when they didn't do more than send a card when I lost my son. But it's hard. When you actually do want to talk about things with others, and they don't seem to want to talk to you.
I guess that's why we have eachother here

Just hang in there. The due date is a hard time to get through, but you'll make it!

Gnzls924 · 04-05-2005, 01:56 AM

Adrienne,

Hang in there! I know its so very hard. I will be thinking about you on your due date. Mine is coming up in a couple of weeks.

Lately, people just get on my nerves for one thing or another. I just want to smack them all, doctors/residents included. But I guess that would be a bad thing, huh?

kwannabee · 04-05-2005, 03:10 AM

Hi Adrianne...coming up to your due date can throw all your emotions out of control...you just never know which way they're going to go...actually you just never know when ANY day might set you off!!

if its any consolation...i noticed with myself and with other cysters that often it was the anticipation of the due date that was harder then the actual day...maybe or maybe not...its hard to say...but it sure brings back lots of memories and flashbacks doesnt it? I can just tell you that you just keep going and you get through it...i know you can do it!!

As for your mil...it sounds to me like she's caring and concerned...but nervous to upset you. I remember with mine there came a point where she absolutely refused to discuss the babies...it was all about her, her trip...her friends...at first i was like huhhhhhh??!!! How can you be so heartless...then i realized she was making a decision...or at least delude myself into believing...that she was specifically doing something she thought was a good idea at the time...it wasnt to hurt me...it was just no body has a right or wrong way to deal with this...so it took the sting out i guess. I also think looking back at it now that for some reason people think the dad is more emotionally 'capable' of discussing things then you are...so they get the brunt of the conversations...which is sad for them...but i think its a way of people being able to get the info without upsetting you directly...thats just my theory i could be totally wrong...i know my dh always seemed much more stronger then i was...he could at least control his tears during a conversation...

Anyway...try not to be so hard on yourself...you know you did everything you could for your baby...you could have done nothing different...there is nothing to beat yourself up about.

Reach out to your friends and let them know its okay...they probably just dont know what to do. I'm sure they'll be there for you. Hoping this day is okay for you...its one of the hardest days to get through but its just part of the process. Hang in there!

SheriKCMO · 04-05-2005, 08:12 PM

Adrianne,
I'm thinking of you and your little one today! I'm sorry that people just don't know what they're doing when it comes to talking about our babies. On top of that, Europeans are kookie, lol. I have some French friends, and they just do things differently emotionally. Please don't take it as though you aren't the adult in the situation. Trying to cushion us from hearing these discussions is a mistake, but it is a common one.

Hating yourself? Join the club. When I was at this point, I was wishing for a fatal illness because I had promised my husband I wouldn't hurt myself. Some people end up utilizing some depression meds for a while, and there's nothing wrong with checking that out. This sh!t is painful. It still is, but I usually only hate myself this way when I'm tired. It's as if I didn't DESERVE to be a mother to my daughter, and that's why she was taken away. I think that's our brain's way of trying to explain things that really and truly do NOT make sense. So basically, I stopped deserving to be alive or enjoy anything at all. I'm sorry that you are at that point and hope that you're out of that dark place soon, but it did take a while for me to have some good days. Hormones were part of it for me, and it helped to get some progesterone fired up. You might want to get checked for ppd or other hormonal answers in case there might be some help out there. I wish I had, but again, I didn't deserve to feel good.
Lots of Hugs,
Sheri

Pamela · 04-05-2005, 10:28 PM

(((((((((Hugs))))))) for you today.
I am so sorry your in laws couldn't see past themselves to talk to you about your baby.

Please feel better.
Pam

packerfan · 04-06-2005, 12:09 AM

Big ((HUGS)) today.

I hope your heart starts feeling better soon, but in the mean time it's OK to feel this way.

Kim

GabrielsMom · 04-06-2005, 11:36 AM

Thank you all for your encouragement. I read this thread again last night before I went to bed, and it helped me. Yesterday was very emotional for me. It was like I had this dark cloud over my head all day. When DH got home, I just broke into tears.

DH told me that he talked to his father and at the end of the conversation, his father said "Hug Adrianne for me. She is a remarkable woman." When he told me this, I had a huge sense of relief. I needed to know that his parents still loved me and that they didn't blame me. By not saying anything when I was there, I was not comforted. But now I am... because of what my FIL said and because of all of your encouragement. Thanks for the perspectives on what my in-laws were thinking. It helped. And yes, I do believe that part of the problem is cultural.

Tonight is the ceremony at the hospital when we spread the ashes of our babies (Gabriel was cremated with other babies from the hospital) in a memorial garden. I'm glad that this ceremony just so happened to be right near my due date. I think it will be very helpful.

SheriKCMO · 04-06-2005, 05:48 PM

Farewell, little Gabriel and all of your little friends. You will be missed more than you can possibly know.

GabrielsMom · 04-07-2005, 12:28 PM

The ceremony was short and sweet. The memorial garden is really cool. It's a heart-shaped hedge. Inside of the heart is the garden. There was only a flower or two in it because it was just made ready for spring. I was told that I could come and plant something or place flowers, etc. It's only been a day and I already want to go back there.

After the short ceremony was the support group. My DH came with me for the first time. It was really good for him to be there because he learned that I am not the only one who feels the way I do. Compared to a normal person, I am a total wreck. Compared to the support group, I am normal and doing just fine. It's so comforting. He actually talked and it made him cry. He was so embarrassed, and he was worried that he embarrassed me. Not in the least! I was actually glad that he was talking about his feelings. But he said it made him too depressed and he didn't want to go regularly. That's okay.

And the good news is that I'm starting to get to know the others pretty well. It's a good feeling to know that I'm starting to make friends. For me, that is hard.

VivC · 04-07-2005, 01:42 PM

((ADRIANNE))

I understand the self-loathing/does everyone hate me thing. After Rivi was born, my two best friends waited for me to reach out to them (they figured I might not be up to conversation). So I thought they didn't care. Some people may avoid you, or the topic, forever, but those who really love you will talk about it, if you let them know you're okay with it.

And I hate my body - it killed Rivi, refuses to work right, won't lose weight. It's frustrating, and I think that everyone hates ME because I'm in this body. It's hard, but I'm hoping it gets easier.

Take care of yourself,

saluki_fan · 04-07-2005, 03:40 PM

Sometimes I hate myself. It's frustrating. The appointment with the RE yesterday helped, because it reminded me that it does take two to make a child, and part of the problem may have been a less-than-perfect sperm. I would never say that to DH, because I wouldn't want to make him feel bad, but it reminded me of that fact.

Quote:

I used to be so social... if there was a big group of people, I would love to be there in the middle of it. Now the mere thought makes me cringe. I can't stand people and I feel like they all hate me.

I have found it hard to be in big groups of people I know lately, especially if any of them are PG or have children. If I'm in a big group of strangers (like at an outdoor concert, like I went to on Sunday) that's not a big deal. I just hate feeling like everyone feels sorry for me.

And DH's family...we won't even go there. It was all about my MIL. "Oh, I lost a grandbaby." And later on she told my SIL that we lost the child because we don't go to church. (Ironically, she makes a big production of going to church every Sunday yet she had an tubal PG about 19 years ago, so that statement made absolutely no sense). The only one of them that even sent me a card was his cousin, who included pictures of her own child in it. She may as well have just slapped me in the face. When DH told her how the card made us feel (pleased that she thought of us but a bit "hurt" about the pictures) she hung up on him and we've never heard from her since.

I never heard from my aunts and uncles and cousins either - not one of them, even though they all knew about my first PG and loss (I never told any of them about the 2nd and 3rd). The ones that did congratulate me on my PG never have been in touch with me since the loss. We are all very scattered throughout the US so I don't see them on a regular basis. My friends that do know have been an absolute rock for me, along with the ladies on this board. The way I see it, if someone didn't share in our pain, when we finally do have a child, they won't be invited to share in our joy either.

Sheri made a comment that some people use depression meds for a while. I used to always be very anti-anti-depressents, if that makes sense. A month after my 2nd loss, when DH's brother called to tell us they were PG again and started laughing about how fertile they are and how easy it is for them to get PG, I had a meltdown after that phone call. DH called his brother and ripped him a new one, and the next day I called my OB and got a script for Lexapro (anti-anxiety and anti-depressant.) It's helped me...it's not recommended while PG, so when I found out I was PG on 3/3 I stopped it, but when I started bleeding on 3/6 I started back on it. It really has helped. We also got Caller ID so we could screen out calls that we just didn't feel up to taking at the time, and that's helped as well. Lately I crave my privacy.

Adrienne, the ceremony sounds very nice. I hope that you can find some peace in that.

VivC · 04-07-2005, 06:52 PM

Caller ID is my friend - we hardly ever answer!

GabrielsMom · 04-07-2005, 08:34 PM

Meghan, thanks for sharing your story. I guess I don't have it so bad. I was talking to one of the women in my support group last night. She lost a baby at term, and there is a part of her family that was telling her to "get over it" 2 days after it happened. There's no comfort.

After I came home from the hospital in November, I told my mom and DH that I was NOT going to talk to anyone other than them and 1 other friend. They screened my calls for me. I told them to tell anyone that called that I wasn't up to talking to anyone. I didn't care if they were offended. Fortunately, most people understood. Those that didn't - I can do without.

saluki_fan · 04-07-2005, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Fortunately, most people understood. Those that didn't - I can do without.

AMEN TO THAT!!!!!