Serious Mental Disease - Need Help

Navi · 02-29-2008, 02:11 PM

I need help...but I'm not the one with the mental problems this time...

Does anyone here have experience dealing with serious mental disease in a relationship, or having it affect your relationship?

DBF (or rather, ex-DBF) just got dx'ed with depression and borderline schizophrenia, he's going to therapy everyday for the time being because he doesn't want to take medication. He likes to calm himself down with pot but he doesn't smoke it at all frequently.

Now all of a sudden that he has this dx, everything is falling apart when before he was fine. He left me because he says he doesn't love me anymore.

First he said we were too different. Then he turned around and said it was because of his "problems" (that are problems now and weren't before) and he doesn't feel properly about anyone right now. He wants to take a "break" and go on a "journey" to figure himself out, but then he doesn't know if he'll actually come back to me. He says all these things about how he wants to love me and he misses me a little bit but he just doesn't want to be with me and maybe it'll change later. And naturally it could take extra long because he's only doing therapy.

I just can't believe someone would completely destroy their responsibility to someone else over this...I'm supposed to support him and be there for him and he doesn't want me anywhere near him. Even though he says he wants to be friends, he won't let me see him over spring break next week (and that means I can't go home at all, my parents won't drive up here to get me). I have mental problems too and I never just wanted to leave him. And I have felt like I loved him less before, and it always comes back. I told him that's how relationships are supposed to work but he doesn't believe me. He says he needs to be alone but at the same time, he might meet someone else and choose them over me.

I can't help thinking it's my fault. We didn't have sex enough (that's a truth, but it wasn't anyone's fault), sometimes I was too clingy, sometimes I wasn't there for him enough, I'm just a bad girlfriend. I'm begging him to give me another chance if this is the reason but he keeps insisting it's not. Every time we break up it's after a big fight and we had a big fight the other night. It feels like it had to be something I said.

Is all of this normal? Will he come back to me or am I being a fool? He never blamed anything on his mental issues and now all of a sudden it seems like he's using it as a crutch and an excuse. I'm so scared. We were soulmates. If we were a few years older, we'd probably already be married and I wish we were. I had to turn away from his picture last night just to sleep. I've eaten a Hot Pocket and part of a muffin in 3 days. I can't stop crying long enough for my eyes to stop swelling so all my friends think I still have a cold.

My roommate is going home this weekend (to see her BF, of course) and I know as soon as she leaves I'm just going to lie in bed and cry all day and all night.

soulfulqween · 02-29-2008, 02:40 PM

That is a pretty serious disorder. I think that you wanting to support him is great, but right now he's got to battle his own mind. Even if he did call and come back to you, his mental issues; that very well could have been issues before and he just didn't know what to attribute them to, will still be a serious factor in your relationship.

It is normal for him to be having a transitional period right now, he's got things to figure out...I mean schizophrenia is still baffling to the psychiatric community, for all the research it is still greatly misunderstood. The medications are just as mysterious as the illness it's self. It's a lot to deal with and I think you're going to have to give him time to sort through all of that.

Bottom line, he's GOT to figure out those issues first. I'd say it's nearly impossible to go on as if nothing is the matter and keep interacting with people without him getting the therapy he needs and being monitored.

I am in no way shape or form trying to discourage you. Just be prepared for a struggle You want a relationship and he's got to fight to keep his mind clear, especially if he isn't using meds.

And YOU have to be smart here...you can't support him if you're down. Start eating and taking care of yourself. If you are willing to support him you have to be stable too. Get out of bed shower eat and get ready for battle. Let him now you're there for him and you want to know how he's doing...don't push him. Whether or not he's saying it, if he's borderline to this illness and is aware of just how wicked it can be he's got a lot on his mind too and some if it he can't control.

If you want to talk more PM me anytime...respond here...just keep taking care of you.

heartincart · 02-29-2008, 03:27 PM

Hm I agree with soulful that this will most likely be very difficult to go through with him.. but from what I read I almost feel like he is using this as an excuse to push away. Perhaps you really are just better off giving him space, and opening your horizons... if he wants you he will come to you, if not let him be and wish he good luck with all that.

good luck to you dear!

soulfulqween · 02-29-2008, 03:38 PM

And I in turn agree with heart's comments as well.

rusoman37 · 02-29-2008, 03:48 PM

My DH has Major Depression with Rage - and while it's not schizophrenia - it is a mood altering condition. It was pretty rough there for a few years and it took a lot of therapy for BOTH of us to come through it on the other side. I recommend that maybe you should go and see someone by yourself and work out your own insecurities that his condition may have brought on for you - I found a loss of self confidence and almost a "battered wife syndrome" took place after his diagnosis. You may be going through this as well - not that he ever hit you or anything, but his condition could definately have affected how you treated yourself and him!!

Navi · 02-29-2008, 06:50 PM

Thank you, ladies...

We just had a nice long talk about the whole situation.

I did a lot of reading about it after I posted this, and there are a lot of things I understand now and a lot I still don't. I am still at least his best friend (I know he's taking a break from all his friends so I worried he would actually try and boot me out of his life) so I'm sticking close by him. I promised I would be there for him but I wouldn't try to force any help on him, and this time he finally didn't argue with me.

He also agreed to talk to his therapist tomorrow about whether he really should have left me. Severe withdrawal is definitely a symptom of SZ and I worry it's not the best solution for him, it might pull him further away.

He said his therapist already warned him about people with SZ having destructive relationships (thanks, guy) and our issues were part of the stress that's triggered this big episode. I'm willing to believe him about this particular episode since I read symptoms can be triggered and maybe it's just a coincidence it happened now.

As for us...he said he's still attracted to me, like he knows he should love me, but he just can't feel it. I understand how depression and the like can affect regular feelings, I just don't get how it can affect the way you feel about a person. Has anyone had this happen to them? He keeps bringing up the idea that he'll get better and still not love me again, which makes me nervous. I'm still scared it was partly my fault for all the times I called him lazy, a jerk, etc. and just didn't understand, but he knows I didn't know better because he never told me how he really felt. If he's lazy because of his SZ...I can't really get over hurting him right now. I feel so guilty.

On top of this, his mother's decided that if we aren't dating, I shouldn't be able to see him.

So I can't stay at their house to get home for spring break. Ex-DBF said I should just have my parents pick me up at the train station, but it's not the same...I wanted an excuse to see him. He even promised me a kiss. It's not like I have the authority to ask him to come visit anymore, and he can't with his therapy being everyday.

The one good thing is he said he'll give therapy a couple weeks and if it's not helping much, he might try medication. I read that SZ meds can take as little as one week to work, so I took the advice of several articles and suggested he try it for a couple weeks and if he doesn't like it, he can switch or stop.

Hah, and this is all on top of me possibly having bipolar disorder. This semester sucks.

sharleenia · 03-07-2008, 11:56 PM

Navi,

I am bipolar and I push everyone that I love away from me. It's like I'm thinking that I'm doing it for their own good. I have a wonderful bf and I told him yesterday to leave me because I'll do nothing but ruin his life....I'm so f'ed up sometimes. I odn't know why I do it. Must be my mania. All I know is, sometimes I feel so unworthy to love anyone or be loved. I KNOW I'm worth something but sometimes I feel so unworthy. I snap at him just to get him to leave....

Trust me, I know what he's going through. If you ever need another point of view, just let me know!

((((((HUGS)))))) I know you can make it!

PuppyLove · 03-08-2008, 01:22 AM

Hi sweetie

First of all big (((hugs))) to you, this is a difficult time for you.

I suffer from severe depression and also had a 4 year relationship with a man I believe was schizophrenic (never diagnosed because he didn't think there was anything wrong with him - long story!). He used to push me away only to pull me back in and push me away again. It was terrible and heartbreaking. I tried to help him but of course you can't help someone who won't help themselves.

From what I know of schizophrenia (I have relations with it) the best form of treatment is medication. Although I have to say I've never heard of borderline schizophrenia? One thing I do know is that smoking pot will only make it worse, and in some cases actually triggers schizophrenia. It also makes you depressed.

Therapy is also a big and important part of treating depression, and it's good he is at least doing that. Your ex will have so many things running through his mind right now he's probably finding it hard to just get through each day and perhaps feels he has nothing left to give you at then end of the day? I know I've felt like that when I'm really depressed. You do tend to withdraw and push the ones you love away.

You obviously love this guy and it's obvious you're hurting right now, but please understand this is an illness he is suffering and what he needs most right now is care, compassion and most of all patience.

ilovebailey · 03-11-2008, 10:48 PM

Wow, this is a lot to be going through hun. I can tell you what I know as a social worker who has done counseling with many schizophrenics. It's a heatbreaking illness. I see that you are around age 20 and I assume your BF is around that age too. Late teens and early 20s is often the time that schizophrenia emerges and the first pscyhotic break occurs. As someone else mentioned, medications are the most, and really the only, effective treatment for this disorder. I am sure this is all new to him and obviously overwhelming. Acceptance takes time and hopefully he will come to a point where he is ready to try meds. As far as meds working in one week, that would be very unusual. Meds for schizophrenia are quite complicated and there is no cure all. It can take tweaking of dosage and a few trials of medications to get it right. And on top of that, many have harsh side effects, which is why many people don't stick with the meds. (Not trying to be negative at all, just giving you information). Maybe your BF has a less severe form of schizophrenia that will be easily treated, as with everything, we are all different. I wish you the best of luck.