Sex Drive

ColoradoTRS · 02-19-2008, 02:14 AM

I need a mans prespective here.

I have not had much sex drive in our 10.5 yrs of marriage, I would always put DH off, I just did not feel like it and would have a hard time getting anything out of it. I also had a complex seeing myself as very unattractive.

Now since I have been on Met, have lost 30#'s my hormones are raging. I want sex 3 to 4 times a week and some weeks could go more, but now DH is the one that lost his drive. He says so many years of me making excuses and putting him off has changed his sex drive......... He has given in and I try to keep it at every 3 to 4 days. I am the one having to do everything he just lays there....Guess i know how he feels now, but the fun is gone from touching each other, cuddling and Making Love. I do not know how to change this.

Any advice men?

LongTimeLurker · 02-20-2008, 11:44 AM

All comments below are obviously just my personal opinion. I do not know you, your husband or any specific details of the situation. I freely acknowledge that I have employed some very broad, sweeping generalities in my characterization of men and I admit that there are many, many men who do not fall into these general guidelines.

Colorado,

If I had spent the last 10.5 years dealing with a partner who was reluctant, at best, with respect to sex I can assure you that my libido would be long dead.

Even the archetypal, super libidinous, ready at a moment's notice male will eventually realize that his partner is just not interested and be forced to make a choice between 1) finding another relationship which is sexually fulfilling or 2) accepting that his sex life is dead. One would hope that if your DH decided to go with option 1 he would end the marriage first which brings us to what I consider the much more likely, and difficult, situation; he has learned to sublimate and ignore his sex drive.

A man's sense of self-worth and his sense of validity as a MAN are very often inextricably linked to his ability to please/take care of his partner. After receiving nothing but rejection for this long it would be necessary for him to completely ignore any desire he has for you so he can maintain any degree of self-esteem. In his eyes, you are in no way physically attracted to him and any intimation otherwise is to be met with extreme cynicism and doubt. After all, you haven't really wanted sex with him in so long, why should he believe you do now? Most likely he believes you simply want to have sex with someone, anyone, and he happens to be the most convenient body.

In order to reverse his tendency to ignore his sexual feelings you will need to prove to him that you really desire HIM. Think of all the (non-sleazy and some of the sleazy

) things men have done in the past to attempt to get you into bed, these are exactly the type of little declarations you will need to make to convince him you are really interested in him and not just sex. In other words, you are now the pursuer and you need to convince him that he is the sexiest, most desirable person on the planet.

Welcome to our world.

~LTL

nikbeehubby · 02-20-2008, 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LongTimeLurker

Welcome to our world.

i really dont like posting the "yeah what he said" but it this case it couldnt apply more. speaking for myself in some past relationships... rebuff me enough and i get to where i just dont care anymore. i dont want to have sex with someone i know doesnt want to have sex with me. way too easier to just take matters to hand and go on about my business. i guess everyone's drives wax and wane over time, sometimes more, sometimes less but ten years of less? i'd have given up long ago too.

ColoradoTRS · 02-20-2008, 11:57 PM

Now, I did not not let him have it at all, but we could have sex 2 times a week and then the next week not have it at all, then the next say 3 times a week and then maybe go for a couple weeks. My DH wanted it EVERY night in the first 5 years of our marriage. So its not like we would only do it 1 to 2 times a month. Guess I should have been more clear on that!! Also I think it has been harder for my DH as he walked into a pre-made family and there has not been alot of time for just him and me. He did ask me the other day when was it his turn......... Now I understand more of what he meant by that.

I have taken what you have said and really thought about it. I have thought about how I viewed my previous sexual relationships and realize that I just did not get a thing out of any of those, I felt no love and usually ended up with the guy getting his jollys and leaving me hanging... So I guess I never thought about a man wanting to please and take care of his partner he loves as being part of his self esteem. I do not understand it, but I can actually see it in my DH, he is always concerned if I do not O and he already has and then mopes about it for days. Big eye opener. But there is more to that on the womans side. PCOS has made me hairy. I have to freaken shave every night otherwise I have a stubble everywhere..... That makes me feel way less feminine and makes me want to hide. So just to say that only his self esteem is hurt there is actually another side and another person involved that has feelings and self esteem problems too.

From a generalized woman perspective, sex is just not as important to show how much we love our man. But upon saying that I can see how messed up that really is.

I have some work to do and I appreciate your comments, it has really made me think.

Neechogan · 02-25-2008, 06:29 PM

Hi Colorado,

My heart goes out to you. I've been in a similar situation and I can certainly say that it has been a difficult time for me. Having a partner with little or no drive does take its toll. It is true that a man who loves his wife genuinely wants to please her and when it seems like your partner doesn't want to be there, you begin to question yourself and your marriage.

My wife's sex drive was high and then slowly diminshed for reasons we didn't know until her diagnosis. I spent a lot of time soul searching, wondering what I was doing wrong, spending money on flowers, toys, books, just to feel humilated to learn that there was not one damn thing I could do about it. What was even more frustrating is that once every so often, my wife's libido would miraculoously appear and I would spend days, if not weeks mulling it over, looking to see if there was some magical combination to things that caused it to happen but I've never been able to find the magic potion.

I have a thread on here on which I posted regularly for nearly 2 years. If you ever get a chance to read it, you will notice that I have expressed some anger and frustration. I often found myself in a depression, crying myself to sleep at night. I spoke to Drs. here but no one seems to know what the hell PCOS is.

I can understand how your husband feels. My wife's sex drive isn't getting better. In fact it's getting worse. Our love making is becoming less less and less frequent and the time that passess between sessions is getting longer and longer. When you do make love, she doesn't touch me either, hasn't for years. While I like sex, its getting to the point where I don't care if it happens at all. When we start and she just lays there, I feel like hopping out of bed and sleeping on the couch but I don't want to hurt her feelings and its not fair to me to deprive myself of what I need.

Tell your husband that you love him and mean it. Show him how much he means to you by your actions. Don't hold back. Talk to him and tell him how you feel then back it up with actions. Be a little daring....do something you don't normally do. Treat him like a god in the bed room and keep telling him that you need him. Talk dirty. Do all those things because its what I pray my DW would do for me.

Take care.

God bless.

ratpackntiger · 02-28-2008, 06:45 PM

I am sorry to hear that Karma has finally bitten back.

I am a man that has been married 5 years. My wife's drive was great when we were dating and she was what I was looking for in a woman to live my life with. So I bought her the ring and did the whole romantic proposal to her. I even had enough old fashioned personality that I even asked her Dad if I could have her hand in marriage.

Then 6 months before the wedding she shut me off. Her first excuse was that she wanted the wedding night to be special. I bought that, though I was not happy about it. We got married and had a passionate night on our wedding night...just like all the tales I have heard through the years.

After that, we got a house to rent and I got a good job as HR manager of a company in the town we live in. We rented that house for 6 months and never would my wife put out. I blamed the house, I blamed myself, I blamed the stars...nothing helped.

Next spring we found a house to buy and we got a fur baby as she and I both wanted one to love. We both figured it would be our first baby to take care of and love and grow older with.

So as a married couple in our early 30's we had it all. We had the house, we were both in newer vehicles, we had a fur baby and we were active in the community. Our love life sucked bad, but I figured it was something to do with stress, etc in our new life.

Pan forward to our 5 year anniversary. We go on a vacation/honeymoon that we both wanted to go to. Everything was going OK. I was/am having a skin problem that made me feel like I am a leper. She goes out to give her friends that we met down there a few gifts we bought them and say goodbye. I was not invited as I was not their type of person that they wanted to have anything to do with. I waited for her to get back to the motel we were in and since she was on the fertility meds...figured it would be the night for some us time in the bed. Well, it lasted all of about 5 minutes. She was not in the mood for making love. I essentially had to rape her as we both want to have a baby but unless there is some strange way to get a woman pregnant that we do not know about...I had to do what nature says we have to do.

Valentine's Day killed the romance I have felt for my wife. I asked her what she wanted to do for the day of romance and love and she had replied that it was just another day and she did not care. It broke my heart in more pieces than I knew it could break into. I did do a romantic dinner for us and had mood music and nice scents in the bed room and the rest of the romantic mood setters. It turned out to be like any other night in the year. We got done with dinner and she went to watch TV and play on the computer. I lost all respect for romancing her that night. I came to the conclusion that we needed help in the bedroom or else I needed to get out of the relationship.

Now up to current times. I have gone to the doctor we both see up here and started asking questions about what is a normal sex life for a married couple. I have read a lot, but figured maybe the news was skewed a little bit. A doctor would know. Well, the doctor told me what was normal and that they want to see my wife. I have asked her if she wants me to set up the appointment for her and her response was basically put as I am forcing her to see a doctor for something that she has no will to change.

So at this moment I have no remorse for any Cyster that has a husband that has turned to a cold fish on them. To me it means that it is Karma finally coming back to equal things out in the cosmo.

People have said on this board that PCOS is just a syndrome and not a curse. Well for us men it is a curse. We curse ourselves because we feel that we are not good enough for you women. We curse ourselves because we cannot make you happy. We curse the syndrome as it robs some of us of our most primal feelings of happiness and manliness to reproduce. Most of all some of us curse the women that have it as they will not help themselves and if we try to make the dreams as a couple come true we are accused of RAPE.

I curse all you Cysters to feel for even 1 month the feelings that some of us guys have trying to keep a romance open when we are dealing with either nothing but a hand to keep us company in bed or the feeling we are criminals for having the thoughts of making love to our partners.

I am sorry for the rant. I needed to get this off my chest and having a Cyster actually want to make love to their husband makes me even madder at the world I live in.

ColoradoTRS · 02-29-2008, 12:00 PM

I feel bad for you guys, but more than that I feel bad for putting my DH through these feelings that you all have told me about. My DH is the absolute love of my life. Did I feel this way the whole time??? No unfortunatly I did not I loved him but did not like him and I think that has alot to do with sexual feelings.

I am certainly no expert since my hormones are just now comming back around. But doing those little things for your man actually does work. We have gone and bought a "toy" and now he is ready and waiting when I come to bed. He has even gone as far as grabbing my hand and putting it somewhere to let me know. So he is getting bolder again!! It is actually nice to be making love on a regular basis!! I also have to say that even before when I did not want to do it and would for his benifit that I would enjoy it and ask myself after we were done why I did not do this more often.

I hope more women come on here and read this. There is another post with just women on it in one of the other forums on this board. I told the other women on there to come and read this one. Because even though some of you were blunt and some of the comments hurt my feelings it really put things into perspective for me and made me realize how screwed up my whole situation was. So Thank you.

jlaurenmatthews · 02-29-2008, 01:43 PM

Dear Ratpackintiger

I am in total awe as I read through your post. Never before has a man's perspective been so bluntly portrayed to me to the point that I almost cried. I hate that your relationship with your wife has been missing (what I consider to be) the most crucial part of any marriage. I have had the low sex drive even to the extent of your wife's condition before. She doesn't want to help it because she doesn't see anything wrong with it. My first husband and I had a very similar situation to yours. He wanted to do what I hated to do, make love. When I would reject him, he would get angry, hostile, and sometimes even bitter. This made things worse! Why would I want to give into anything that causes such arguments and fights between us? I never (even to this day) have experience an orgasm during sex. It was never pleasurable to me. I went to the doctor and was told that I was normal and that the BIG O would come during the right time. I am in my second marriage now and we do have sex on a semi-regular basis (at least 3 or four times a month). I still do not get any orgasmic pleasure during sex but I have learned to focus more of my energy into making him feel good. I still somewhat enjoy sex just because it brings us to a more intimate standing. The main thing that keeps our sexlife afloat is that he does not ask for sex alot. It just happens when it happens. He doesn't get mad when it doesn't happen. We are a rather young couple TTC # 1 and TTC has actually made our sex life stronger. My point to this story is that I understand both your side of the situation and your wife's. PCOS is a horrible thing for both the men and women involved especially when it affects fertility and/or your sex life. I will definitely keep yourself and your wife in my prayers. I know that you have tried everything and you sound like an awesomely devoted husband who loves his wife very much. Not many husbands would even attempt the things that you have tried. Too many of them would just find someone else to fulfill their sexual desire. I praise you that you haven't taken that route. I feel so horrible that I don't have any advice to give you (you've already tried the things that I would suggest) but find comfort knowing that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Neechogan · 02-29-2008, 04:23 PM

ratpackntiger, I know just how you feel bud! I wish my wife would be able to look in our bedroom from the outside like the proverbial fly on the wall. Maybe she would see just how bad things are!

She's in denial. She doesn't think that there's anything she can do about PCOS and won't take her meds. She doesn't think there's anything wrong with our sex life either.

jlaurenmatthews, if you really want a man's perspective check out my thread - "A Husband's View of PCOS." You'll be enlightened as to just how much PCOS affects us men. Its hell for us too.