Sex and the PCO wife

s hubby · 07-31-2002, 04:17 PM

Hello. I'm new here, but not really new to PCO. We're not sure, but my DW thinks she's had it since her teens. She is now 34. She has never had regular periods and has been overweight since her teens. She was officially DX'd about two years ago.

We have been blessed with 2 wonderful children. Getting PG took a while with #1, but neither required special planning or effort on our part. She had an ectopic about the time the PCO was officially determined. We've been pretty lucky with fertility, but are TTC #3 (3 or 4 rounds of Clomid, the last with AI). She really wants another. I am not against it. I will not be crushed if we only have the 2. Another would be nice. I am supportive of TTC because I want her to be happy and I like kids too.

DW has taken Glucophage (1700mg) for about 8 or 10 months. She's lost about 25 lbs without significant changes to diet (just skipping seconds and things like that). Cholesterol and all the other blood work have improved greatly. Her cycles are not regular, but they are much better than before. Her cyclical depression is all but gone.

The thing that just kills me about all this is her low sex drive. Why, oh why couldn't she have been one of the ones that has a high sex drive? I know the Met/Gluc can tone down the sex drive, but my DW has never had what I would consider an average sex drive. She's suggested that I'm a freak, that other men are not like me, and that I'm a sex addict. All of this because I'd love to have sex with my wife 2-4 times a week. I think I'm the normal one

Guys, how do you cope with this? Ladies, what do you do about your DHs who are frustrated over this?

I feel like an ogre because I want this to change. I think I am supportive. I love her. I want her to be healthy and happy. I also want to have sex. Sorry, I'm a still a guy even though I'm a nice, supportive guy. I just feel really boxed in.

How can I be supportive when part of what I am being supportive about hurts me so much?

Jenbean · 07-31-2002, 05:54 PM

This may not be it but... has she had her thyroid checked? Though, i'm a newly DX hypothyroider and just learning myself-this was the most major symptom I've noticed in me-NO SEX DRIVE since the birth of DD. Hypothyroidism is a "sideliner" to PCOS and is more apt to happen after having a baby. I would have never known I had it if I didnt go into my doc for fertility drugs to TTC#2 and he tested it. I thought it was just me-i dint want to have sex after the hard road to conceiving DD-but i have no organic feelings-things that turned me on, do nothing now. I'm hoping when I get on the replacement drugs, things go back to normal. Maybe get a test to see????

Beachy · 07-31-2002, 11:07 PM

Hi S Hubby,
Do not blame your self for this. I dont know for sure about your DW but I'm the same way with my DH. The reason is, is I dont feel as attractive anymore, I feel fatter, hairier and feel just plain ugly. My Dh tries to make me feel good and say i look great and all, but we look at our selves differently. But us women still know its there and it bothers us making us feel alot less sexy. believe Me, we want to feel more sexual, but its hard to when we feel this way about our selves. Of course, If my DH was a little bit ore romantic, like buying or picking me flowers and doing something out of the ordinary,,,Just being a romantic, that would bring on some drive.( Ya know like reminding me in reality) But I guess hes to use to being a plain old married man and must have lost his imagination that he use to have when we first started dateing. WOW, that would make Me come alive again! But its not your fault, its sometimes the way that we woman see ourselves in the mirror. We just dont feel attractive when we see the unattractive things we see when we look at at selves that give us way low self esteem.

s hubby · 08-01-2002, 11:23 AM

DW had a thyroid panel 2 or 3 years ago. It was OK.

Self esteem and self image are huge issues at our house. I know all about this. My opinions and comments can never make up for all of the things that have been fed in through growing-up years and self-inflicted emotional beatings. The most important sex organ is between the ears and behind the eyes. Unfortunately, the majority of the information going in the ears and eyes is negative and beating that poor sex organ to death.

Our current OBGYN actually said the greatest thing -- "It's not your fault." He's a good fellow, but he has referred us to a RE because we're pushing beyond his PCOS protocols.

I'm going along to see the RE and will bring up the sex drive thing, but from the posts I see here, it's really an individual hit or miss thing. I keep hoping to see information somewhere that says if PCOS and sex drive = low then prescribe drug x then

I know it just doesn't work out that way. I have a pretty good grip on reality -- and it bums me out.

Starr · 08-02-2002, 08:40 PM

Oh s hubby, I really feel for you & your dw!! I've been diagnosed with PCOS for about 3 years, and I've never had much of a sex drive at all...I can relate to both of you, cos it's the worst thing in the world to have your SO wanting sex when you really don't want to, but then you guys must get so sick of always being the one to try and initiate things and getting turned down all the time. The self image thing is a big one for us girls, once we get the idea into our head that we are fat or ugly then it takes a hell of a lot to get it out of there. You sound like one of the more understanding and sympathetic guys out there, and you shouldn't feel like you aren't doing enough to boost her self-esteem cos believe me, all the compliments and love in the world can't make a girl believe she's attractive if she's convinced yourself that she isn't...I feel sorry for my ex-boyfriends, I've never explained the PCOS thing to them but they've had to put up with so much from me what with low sex drive and moodiness and the like!! If your DW is anything like me, she probably wishes she had more interest in sex too, but unfortunately (as you no doubt know) it's not as easy as just waking up one day and deciding to be more into sex from now on...it really upsets me that I have very little interest in sex and I wish I could do something about it, it always really hurt me to have to say no to my SO yet again, but it's either that or try and do it when I don't really want to and that's not much fun for either person.
I wish you luck, I really do, and if there isn't already some kind of medication to take for low sex drive with PCOS then someone has to invent one soon!!!

angel--baby · 08-06-2002, 12:35 AM

well i have never really been one to not have a sex drive (except when we were ttc, and then it was more of a chore than anything, but we still did it) but maybe you just need to slack off for a while and give her the space she needs? i realize that now you are ttc again, so sex is a must at times, but maybe you can find other ways to satisfy your sexual needs? maybe a movie or just a meeting with rosie a few days a week? i realize its not the funnest thing in the world and i understand your need to be with your wife, but if she feels pressured then her drive will be even less. maybe if you just give her sometime she will work it out herself and be able to get that drive back up again

irishgal · 08-09-2002, 10:37 PM

Hi I seem to have the opposite prob. I am totally sex mad and have a huge sex drive. My husband is permanently exhaused. ttc for 7 years but not ovulating at all. Believe me if I was it wouldnt have been missed. In my marriage its my husband who has the lower sex drive ie 2-3 times a week.
Just thought Id share

Stacie M · 08-10-2002, 01:42 AM

If I were you, I would discuss this with your wife, gently. I for one agree with some of the other posts that my low sex drive is partly due to the fact that I do not feel as attractive as I used to. When I was 140 pounds wearing a 34D bra, I wanted the lights on the blinds open I was so proud of my body (not really, but you know what I mean). Since I now way in around 200 and wear a 38DD (pointing to the floor) I really don't feel like a sex goddess. I understand that part of the passion in lovemaking is being with someone you love, but its hard to get past the pain of not loving your own body. When you are kissing your husband it can really bring you down if you are worried about hair on your upper lip and chin. When you are in bed undressed it is hard not to think about what you would LIKE to look like.

I'm not saying this is the case with your wife, but it could be, and your support would probaby help.

Also, CHECK THOSE HORMONES. It may be something out of whack that can be corrected such as thyroid. My sex drive seems to vary a great deal. I go through spells where I don't want it at all, and spells where I can't get enough, no matter how fat I am. I think this is just my hormones swinging back and forth all of the time.

Encourage her to discuss this with her doc. Women have a hard time mentioning this because in general women feel that their sex drive is not supposed to be important, when really a low sex drive can point to a hormone or depressive problem, both of which should be treated as very important.

I don't know about everyone else, but my doc has never asked me about my sex drive, although I think it is something that should be asked of women in that it could lead to a faster diagnosis of underlying conditions.

Good luck to you and your wife. I wish you lots of passion and love!

StaciieM

PS: Encourage her to seek counseling. I have been and I must say it worked wonders for me on other issues I had. Sometimes a little counseling can make a HUGE difference. You can even go with her after a while, but let her go alone at first, get through her own issues, then you can work on it together!

Rebecca Penn · 08-29-2002, 02:53 AM

Sex is a tricky subject. I think it becomes an issue in every marriage at some point. For me I've noticed that if I have a feeling or symptom of some kind I automaticly think is this the PCOS. Your wife could just be over worked, stressed and tired. How long have the two of you been together?? How was your sexual relationship in the begining?? I know for me foreplay begins in the morning. If your lives are busy and hectic and you barely have time to say two words to each other, at night when you get into bed is not the time to "put on the moves" You have to put that into play way earlier in the day. If it is a body image thing than unfortunately there is very little you can do. Your wife has to get her mind, body and spirit in balance and only she has the power to do that. You do sound supportive and that is definately a big help. Good luck to you both.

Rebecca

shenacat · 08-29-2002, 05:33 PM

2 or 3 years ago is long enough to get that thyroid checked again. Low sex drive is definitely an indication of hypothyroidism, especially when she is a women with PCOS who is supposed to have high testosterone levels which would equal a high sex drive!