She's Gone...HELP!!!

CO14888 · 09-13-2007, 09:49 PM

It has been about a year since my last post on here. It is funny how complacent you get when things are going well. Then when it is too late, your life is turned upside down and you aren't sure what to do or where to turn. Both my girlfriend (nature05) and I have received great advice and support from all who have shared their opinions with us on this site. So, I thought I would turn to you and look for more great advice.
Almost to the day last year, I last posted a thread regarding the issues I was having with my girlfriend who is dealing with PCOS. I was going through some major anger issues and sought counseling for it. It really helped and made me realize the person I was towards my girlfriend. I never hurt her physically, but I definitely scared her into a total shutdown. After the counselling was complete and I began to live my life with my girlfriend, we worked on many things and improved our relationship. Since counselling, I have dealt with my anger and haven't had an outburst since. In December we bought a house together, in May she made a lateral move within her workplace and began working at a new position. At the same time we began planning a trip to Alaska, discussing marriage and carefully watching her cycle preparing for possible pregnancy. She had found an Endocrinologist whom she liked and her metformin dosage was changed, and he said that her lab results were par. She was be lead in the direction she had been wanting for a long time. We were headed in the right direction to fulfill our goals and dreams. Up until two weeks ago things were great. She then went out of town for work for approximately a week, came home and then left on a weekend getaway with a very close girlfriend. She came home, said she had a great time, but something seemed different. Similar to how she has acted when we were going through rough times. Ironically, the rough times seem to come in August/September of every year since we have been together. She became very closed off and shutdown again, not wanting to talk and always telling me nothing is wrong and that she was just tired and busy at work. I finally told her that she was acting similar to how she acted last year around this time and the year before. I was not trying to drag up the past, but I could definitely see a pattern. She told me that she has not been happy for a while, expressing her concerns that nothing has changed in 3 years, I never go out, I don't have any friends, I work too much, and when i am home, I sleep all day and night. Granted, she had a point. I don't have any friends, I don't go out, and work tends to control me. She said that she used to be very outgoing and sociable. Since I came into the picture she closed off from all her friends. I never held her back from seeing her friends or going out, but maybe she felt obligated to stay at home with me for some reason, I am not sure. Of course money this whole time has been an issue as well as I work two part time jobs. Thinking I was doing the right thing, I made an appointment through EAP to see a relationship counsellor. On Saturday this past week, while I was at work, she took all her stuff out of the house and is now staying with a friend. I have tried to talk to her about everything to see if we can work things out, however she won't talk to me. If asked what she is thinking, she says I don't know. I gave her some space for a few days and sent her flowers hoping she would talk to me come back home.
To give a bit of history, we met on an online dating site, I moved to the town that she lived in, we moved into a house and rented a room from someone. A very stressful situation, then moved to our own house and I focused my attention to my work as it was a new position and I wanted to make a good impression, not to mention I wanted to pulll my weight as well. I quit that position and moved onto another position that required I go away for 2 months for training and then I lived away from home while I was working. Now I have been rehired at my old position and I maintian both jobs to make ends meet. I because of being away so much, I have pulled back from work and tried to make my homelife priority, but now with her new job, she is focusing on her work as she is very busy. I am glad that she loves her job so much and I am very happy for her. She worked very hard to get to where she is. From day one we never had the opportunity to date or enjoy each other cause we put other priorities first. This whole summer, we have not been able to get away alone and have fun unless it was for an appointment of some sort.
I have sugested that she come back home, we live in separate rooms, go to individual counselling sessions as well as relationship counselling, commit to getting out alone, together on dates and out with others, work hard at our jobs, but make them #2. We do that for 6 months and reevaluate our relationship then and if we decide we still are not happy we go our separate ways. At least give it one last attempt. If we put in 110% towards the relationship and it doesn't work, we can say we did everything we could, if we do the same and it worked, we could be the happiest ever and be proud that we made it thorugh the hard times.
I want ehr back in the worst way. I want to show her that I can be the man she fell in love with 3 years ago.
Sorry for such a long thread
Thanks for any advice you may have.
Aaron

Kittie · 09-14-2007, 06:59 AM

Dear Aaron,
I know this forum is meant for Cysters DBF and DH's but your post broke my heart. I'm so sorry for the hardship you are going through! My advice, give her space, from what you say she is missing having her own time, let her have it and start to try and carve out your own social life, it's very important to have your own interests and let her have her own time too. That way you both feel healthy and secure within your relationship. That being said, it is important to have those intimate moments planned together, dates and spending time together each week as well. Although work and life can come in the way of such things, its important to try and make them happen. Sounds like you are really committed to making the relationship work, but besides what you've already suggested I'm at a loss as to what to tell you to do... Sometimes you have to let the ones you love go, if it was meant to be, she'll come back to you. The important thing is not to pressure her, something has triggered this withdrawal inside her, perhaps that week away made her feel the need for more in her life and to reconnect with an aspect of herself she feels she has lost, just give her the space she needs for now. Don't try and contact her so much, perhaps one last phone call to let her know that you are there if she needs you but you are going to let her have her space to sort it all out. Focus on helping you, make new friends, start to have a social life, cut back at work if you can and can afford it. If she isn't wanting to continue and wants a break up, let her go and focus on looking after you for a while and developing who you are. That is important, making sure you are happy, healthy and balanced. If it doesnt work out, there are plenty more fish in the sea and perhaps you will meet another girl who you care for again one day. I hope this helps some, I know its not much but it is something. Good luck!

CO14888 · 09-14-2007, 09:05 AM

I am very committed to my relationship with her. I want to help her with her find the help she needs to better deal with PCOS. I want to understand more about it and help her get on track. I find that when we get on track, we get distracted and we have to start all over again.

CO14888 · 09-14-2007, 07:35 PM

Thank you for the support Kittie. I want to support my girfriend in anyway with dealing with all her side effects of PCOS. I want to understand how she is feeling. I want to show her I care and I can be sensitive towards her feelings with regards to the things she has to deal with. I have a problem doing that as she says I am dead inside. I just don't show the emotion or the care that I do actually feel. In the past the only emotion I have shown is frustration and anger. Not directed at her, but unfortunately she has taken the brunt of it.

ceffion · 09-14-2007, 08:10 PM

hi Aaron,
im so sorry to hear what you are going through at this moment in time,
i really hope things work out the way you want them too i really do .
i know how you feel about when things are going well between you other things take over , things go like that with me and my husband and its not until things start to go bad that you reliase what needs to come first ,
thankfully we always work things out in the end even if sometimes it means i go to stay at my mums for a week or 2 to give us both the space we need to work things out
i will be thinking of you
love helenx

tattwo · 10-02-2007, 02:30 AM

Hi Aaron,

Give her some time and space. At the same time, take care of yourself. Work on having more of a social life. We have to have a balance in our life. Without it, we would go crazy. I know you want her back and it hurts like hell but if you don't give her space, you'll end up pushing her away for good. In you OP, you talked about her wants/needs, what about yours?

CO14888 · 10-05-2007, 02:05 PM

Well, as hard as it has been I have definitely tried to giver her space. We do have financial obligations to deal with. She won't talk to me, return my phone calls, or emails. She has closed herself off from the world and won't let anyone in. Because of this, I started searching for answers. I am beginning to see a pattern with her behaviour. She was happily married before, had ovarian drilling, and then her husband at the time fessed up that he was no sure he was ready to have kids. The split up right after that. In posts I have found she has said that she is alone and lonely, she has made me out to be the bad guy because I have been frustrated and didn't understand what she was going through and because of this, I had "fits of rage". I admit I was frustrated and was very angry and I did do things I am not proud of that scared her. In the following sentence, paragraph or post she will bounce back and stated that I am a great guy, things are going well now and that I just don't understand. Now she has stated that things are over. I understand that, but I still want to stand by her and be there for her when she needs someone. All she is doing is pushing the people away that care. I have lost her and she is not coming back. I fear that she has lost herself as well and she needs help. Don't get me wrong, I am not implying that she is crazy in anywya. In my opinion, her hormones are playing nasty games with her body and she is just along for the ride unfortunately.

Thanks to all those who posted advice.

Aaron

namo · 10-05-2007, 05:52 PM

Cor1488- I am sorry you are having a bad time but do you not think that perhaps she may be a little upset with you telling everyone on these boards her very personal business?

Just a thought...

CO14888 · 10-08-2007, 12:44 AM

Namo,

It was never my intention to invade her very personal business. This was to explain what we have been going thorugh and to get support and advice as to how to deal with the issues we are struggling with. I know that what I have posted could be perceived as invading her privacy, but in no way am I trying to do that. I want to support her and help her in every way that I can. In my opinion, she is crying for help, but not sure how to get it. I am trying to get her that help.

Sorry if it offended her, you or anyone else. Again, that was not my intention.

ceffion · 10-08-2007, 07:38 AM

isnt that what these boards are for?
to talk about our very personal business as we wont get judged by each other on here ?
and its easier to talk about things to people you dont have to look in the eye while pouring your heart out

~*Proud*Female*~ · 10-08-2007, 02:26 PM

Cor,

I have been married to a wonderful man for a little over 10 yrs now and this past May and July I asked him for a divorce. Reason being, I was emotionally and hormonally out of whack. I didn't want him to travel that road with me and at times I still don't. I'm afraid of what I could do(ie, cheat) because I came very close to doing that. I lost my mom in March of this year and have felt lost and trying to find something that was missing. Also during this time, I was diagnosed with PCOS in February, my husband was promoted and I just didn't feel loved from him. I really felt it was just me and my kids and he wasn't a part of our lives. We had it out on our 10th Anniversary(no one said I had good timing) then 2 months later. At the time, I would not say that it was the PCOS coming out, but now looking back it was. Now we are doing better and starting to make plans for us. We both enjoy going out together and without one another. Never really felt that way before.

In regards to your situation, PCOS is a hard thing to deal with for both the sufferer and their loved ones. Right now all I can say is give your love the space she needs. Its very easy to feel suffocated in a relationship and you do feel like you can't get out of the stranglehold. Do not contact her anymore, wait for her. If you don't hear anything over time, you know it was over. If she does contact you, listen to what she has to say and not try to force anything on her. If you do try to force her into something you want, you can make things a lot worse. Remember, if you set them free, and she comes back, it was meant to be.

Try reading the book "Managing PCOS for Dummies". My husband read the book and it really helped him gain more understanding on this thing. Good luck!

ali_squidz · 10-08-2007, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gstump7694

Do not contact her anymore, wait for her. If you don't hear anything over time, you know it was over. If she does contact you, listen to what she has to say and not try to force anything on her. If you do try to force her into something you want, you can make things a lot worse. Remember, if you set them free, and she comes back, it was meant to be.

Thats some good advice right there.

CO14888 · 10-08-2007, 08:40 PM

Thank you!!

It has been tough trying to give her space, but I am trying to respect what she wants. Maybe I am naive, but even if she doesn't want a relationship with me, I want her to know that I am there for her for anything. I am sure it is hard to find a man out there that knows and wants to be understanding of what they are going through. As men we are not perfect, but we strive to do the right thing and stand by their loved ones. We jsut have to know when to take a step back, watch and listen rather that trying to take action.

~*Proud*Female*~ · 10-09-2007, 09:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CO14888

As men we are not perfect, but we strive to do the right thing and stand by their loved ones. We jsut have to know when to take a step back, watch and listen rather that trying to take action.

You are so right on that mark Aaron. Space is what she needs and you must oblige and give that to her. Being in love can be greatest feeling but also the worst heartache when things don't go how we want. Good luck and keep us posted!

ali_squidz · 10-09-2007, 09:51 PM

Im thinkin no matter if she leaves or stays, you are a good guy and mean the best. she or someone else will realize that and appreciate it. hang in there.