three weeks ago i delivered my little girl. her heart was beating but her lungs were not developed enough to take a breath. her first minutes of life were her last. i held her afterward - no one in the room spoke a word.
today i went to the hospital for a consultation, and the doctor i spoke to had my chart. we discussed the autopsy and how the baby was perfect. he asked if i wanted to know the gender and i got a flash of panic. i was so drugged, in so much pain, and so devastated that i believe i could have been hallucinating parts of my stay in the ER. so i said yes, i want to know the gender. i was certain he would say she was a girl. but no, he was a boy.
what else can i say after that, i'm in shock again. i mourned for my daughter. i was the only person on this planet that knew she was real, and i was wrong.
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Dianna - 30 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Don - 25 Married 1/11/08 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Isaac lives in heaven now
April 21st, 2009 BFP 7/6 IT'S A GIRL 10/5
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Dianna-((hugs)) Like you said, you were on a lot of drugs, in pain, and under tremendous stress at that time. Those pain meds can do crazy things to our minds. What matters is you got to hold your little one, boy or girl, and your little one felt your love. I'm so sorry you have to go through all this.
So sorry for your loss. Wish i had some comforting words to help in your time of grief. Just know that we are all here to help you in your time of distress. i will say a special prayer for you today.
-tammy
__________________ Angel 1 -4/06-5wks Angel 2 1/08( stephanie grace) 6wks Angel 3 2/09 (steven blestman) 8wks Current meds: ba, prenatal, 2mg folic acid & B complex- Dx'd with PCOS 1/08 dx'd with mthfr homo. 4/09 Entering a clinical study for clomid/Femera- Tammy-39-Steve 48-ttc 6 years
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__________________ Lisa (37) Gregg (45)
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2 Chem preg., 1 M/C, 1 Preemie lost to IC at 23 wks
BFP 10/30/09
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Dianna, so sorry sweetie. You were on a lot of drugs, in a lot of physical and emotional pain, so don't blame yourself for not noticing it. I don't think anyone would. Your child has been missed no matter their sex. Your child will go on being missed. I'm sorry it took so long to find out though, but I am glad you did and sorry it is making you re-live everything. So sorry hun.
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Stephanie 24 & DH 24
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"If you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill
(((((Hugs)))))
Do you have thoughts on a name for your little boy? That can sometimes help solidify in your mind *who* you grieve for and what your dreams would have been for him. I am so very sorry for your loss and every other shock and disappointment that has happened. Believe me, I wouldn't wish those painful early days on my worst enemy. Please be gentle to yourself and just take it one minute/hour/day at a time. Vent here anytime.
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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we had picked out two names - one for a boy and one for a girl. this may sound terrible, but i'm unwilling to name him Donny Jr as we had planned if we had a boy. that would crush my husband. surprisingly enough we have a "back-up name" as we were originally expecting twins. i just don't know how to approach anyone and tell them i've decided to name him isaac three weeks after he's gone. it seems everyone but me has moved on.
i'm thinking of asking my pastor to say something, but i stopped going to church regularly when i got pg. it wasn't personal i just had some pretty severe morning sickness.
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Dianna - 30 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Don - 25 Married 1/11/08 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Isaac lives in heaven now
April 21st, 2009 BFP 7/6 IT'S A GIRL 10/5
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Dianna--There is nothing wrong with you telling your family and friends at your own time that you wanted to name your son Isaac. I understand what you are going through, just my babies were born still. Like the pp stated please be good to yourself during this time, and don't let anyone try to tell you when you should stop grieving! {{{HUGZ}}}
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Walter Renoid 19w5d: 07/03/08 - 07/03/08
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I like using Isaac in the case that you want Donny for a living child. There is nothing wrong with that, because we as parents need to look at what's good for the whole family when we make decisions. Please talk to your pastor. Allow yourself to cry, because this is HARD stuff to talk about. There is nothing worse he can hear about besides the death of a child. They are there for people to lean on and ask for help and recognition. If you'd like something said or done for your little boy, please speak to the pastor. You deserve to be surrounded by love and support, and sometimes that means asking for it (though it can be so difficult!). Hugs again!
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
The exact same thing happened when I went into PTL , the baby was born with her heart beating but couldnt take a breath. I was told she was a him at birth and a few weeks later when I received the reports it was actually a girl. I was totally in shock . I felt guilty for some reason. I had a very hard time moving past that, 7 years later, I still have days that make it feel like it was just yesterday. I hope you find peace soon, my thoughts are with you..
in shock again 
