Should i Or shouldn't i?

key214 · 05-01-2005, 10:51 AM

Hello Ladies,
After a long debate i decided i would post. I need to find out if i am alone in this or not. Anyways i have been told that i am bi-polar. Actually i was told that at age 12 around the time my pcos started showing up.
I admit my childhood was extremly horrible and tramatizing and i will never get over it! Just have to deal with it one day at a time. I soon after became a cutter and remained that way through much of highschool and some time thereafter. I have not hurt myself however in about three years! So i feel i am doing wonderful on that part. I do however refuse to see a shrink and take meds. I dont like myself most of the time and i never feel happy. Sometimes i wonder if i am going to ever be capable of happiness. I tend to dwell on the past and i seem to never have any patiece . I get upset over the drop of a dime and i am rather paranoid about how others think of me. I hate everything about myself and i often break down crying because i for once just wish i could be normal or atleast half way normal. I am tired of shaving my face , etc on a daily basis and feeling like a freak. I did go and have some laser (LIGHT SHEER) done to remove the facial hair and it helped for awhile though its back now and it at its all time worst! I am constantly telling my husband he dont love me and i am mean to him most of the time. I know alot of it has to do with us losing our home around April 2 due to some major flooding here in NY.(Wanna see pics click here... Flood pics )
Lately i feel as if there is nothing left and i am just so tired and all i wanna do is crawl away and hide. I need to start dieting and i dont feel all that motivated. Though its really all i have left to cling to so i am trying. Right now we are bouncing around between friends and familys houses and spending way to much time fighting with insurance companys and bill collectors. Not very fun on my part. I honestly cant deal with it. To make matters worse the DH has missed so much work because of this all.. I am thinking i need some meds but i am so afraid to get some help. You see i go to the Er all the time because i feel like i am going to die and that my tongue is swelling up so i dont take pills anymore because i swear its not just a panic attack. Does anyone else get that kind of panic attack?? On top of that i dont want to gain weight!! I cant afford that it will only add to my depression... So is there a good pill that wont make me gain weight. Though wouldnt mind losing some though....LMAO
Well thanks for listening.. It feels good to get that off my chest and just admit to it rather then putting up a front and pretending i am fine..
P.s. I am not allowed to cry here i get yelled at because i am not a child and i dont need to bawl like a baby.. So i am told..
Well thanks for listening..
Hugs,
Key

barneyb · 05-01-2005, 11:23 AM

Okay sweetie. You definitely need to find a way to get help with all of this. What you've been through and are still going through is major and it's understandable that you're stressed out.

I suffered from panic attacks for several years before I finally got help. Mine were different from what you're feeling - I had to get out of where ever I was and was willing to claw my way out with my bare hands if I had to. It was that controlling a feeling. I had the ice water in the veins feeling, the numbness. . . I was lucky in some sense that my mom & sister also have panic disorders and were really supportive. Anyway, my point is that if you can get help for the anxiety, that's probably the first step. I don't know what to tell you about the pills - talk to your dr. about that. And if your dr isn't supportive and helpful, find another. The first one I saw didn't want to give me any meds - just told me that if I felt I was a danger to myself or others, he could have me hospitalized. At that moment he has no idea how much of a danger I was to him! I left in tears, but another dr. talked to me and got me on Zoloft, which really helped.

I didn't gain any weight on Zoloft - in fact I lost a good bit. But I'm an emotional eater and once the emotions were balanced, I didn't eat to comfort myself like I had before.

You've found a great source of support here. Good luck.

santa'sbaby · 05-15-2005, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by key214

P.s. I am not allowed to cry here i get yelled at because i am not a child and i dont need to bawl like a baby.. So i am told..
Well thanks for listening..
Hugs,
Key

I have a real problem with this statement. If you are not allowed to show your emotions, how supportive is your DH being really?? I can understand why you are so angry with him. Anger is a secondary emotion and if you are not allowed to cry, I can see why it would come out in a different fourm. I have been told that anger can be depression turned inward.

You need a better support system hon, I wish you luck with that.