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  1. #1
    Miserable snowbunny's Avatar
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    Default Keeping Family Away! (Rant with Qs)

    DH and I waited until 13W to spread the news partly because we wanted to make sure all was well before sharing, and partly because we knew that our families would just want to TAKE OVER!

    We are confident that we DO NOT WANT ANYONE at the birth with the exception of DH, Me (of course ) and care providers. For us, it is an exceedingly private time.

    I want to hold MY baby, DH wants to hold HIS baby and we don't want to have to fight relatives for that privelege.

    Besides, both of our immediate families are comprised of excessively *needy* people. I know that I'll be stressed and exhausted and I don't want to worry about who is feeling what, if their accomodations are okay, if they're entertained ... jealousy (YES it IS a big problem, among my family at least).

    Instead, DH and I are creating a celebration of family to be held a few weeks after the birth so we can get all the folks to see the baby and out of our hair.

    Our relatives aren't respecting our wishes and are making plane reservations to come out over labor day (about a week after we're due). I DON'T WANT ANYONE HERE AT THAT TIME!

    SO is it terribly cruel to say, "You can make your plans, but, be advised that we may not be available for you at that time. Please come for our Celebration of Family."

    How do you deal?

  2. #2
    This Person is a Troll - Report any activity Zinzara's Avatar
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    Boy, this is a tough one!

    I don't thiink you CAN keep them away! I mean, if they want to book a plane, and come, they will no matter what you say.

    I would very calmly tell everyone that you have both decided that you want your birth to be private, that there will be nobody allowed in during your time in hospital. (also, make sure the hospital knows your wishes, they should keep your stay private and not even tell people where you can be found, my hospital offers this hopefully so does yours.)

    keeping them away from your house may be more difficult, I really dont' have a lot of insight. My experience is that selfish, needy, jealous people don't take hints very well, hopefully you'll get through to them.

    Oh, and make sure that you and DH present a "united front" so EVERYONE knows you mean business.

    Good luck!

  3. #3
    So Very Blessed Cyster A1Bailey's Avatar
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    I think it is totally appropriate. It's your baby and as parents you have the right to say who, what, WHEN, and where. Just say, "I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but NO ONE other than myself, DH, and our medical providers will be seeing the baby until X date. We want to bond as a family before we invite extended family to visit."

    Tell them that you know they mean well, but that you and your family need rest.

    They will just have to deal with that.

    GOOD LUCK! I am still trying to figure out how much interaction I want in the first few weeks... Like you I tend to be private about this time in my life, so we'll see....

    Bailey

    edited to say - I agree with Zinzara - make sure you and DH are totally together on this one! People will take you more seriously.
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    Babysteppin Cyster kwannabee's Avatar
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    Yikes!!! I think you are perfectly within rights to decide for yourselves how to bring this baby into the world...i dont know what i'd do if people were already making plane reservations...as if you dont have enough to think about...

    ...have you talked to them 'personally' explaining your wish to visit LATER?? Is there a family member on your side who can be the mediator so that you can focus on the baby??

    I'm not much help here...all i can say is i think you have to do whats right for you.

    Maybe you can send formal invitations for your family celebration (a great idea by the way) to subtley inform people you want some time alone...maybe say something like 'this is a special time for me and baby and hubby...keeping him to ourselves for awhile is something we've been looking forward to...but please join us later for....blah blah blah...if they dont take the hint then you just have to be blunt...and if they do come...you cant be a hostess...plain and simple...so i wouldnt worry about their comfort

    good luck!!
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    Registered User casey1's Avatar
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    Default Okay Snowbunny...

    How about handling neediness with neediness. Tell them that your doctor told you that first babies usually come late and that you would be so very disappointed if they missed "everything." Explain that you want your baby to know the support and love of its extended family so you have "dreamed" of this Celebration of Family forever and you are purposely making it at a little later time so everyone would be able to meet the baby after those first few weeks. After all, everyone knows that those first couple of weeks all babies do is eat, sleep, cry and pee/poop. Tell them you need them there when they can interact with the baby and that if the baby is late they will miss it. What do you think? If you are saying it over the phone you won't even have to keep a straight face.
    If that doesn't work I would print them the names of local hotels, restaurants, and sight-seeing spots because you'll be a little too busy to entertain them.
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    Scared Chitless ReneeBeth's Avatar
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    Default

    Well, the only ones who will be there for this little one's birth (yes, we plan ahead) is me, hubby and my step-sister in law. Why her? She's had 4 kids, she's nice, she'll make a good labor coach, and she can take video/pics cuz my hubby can't watch that kind of stuff My mom says she'll come when I'm sleeping just to keep baby company while hubby goes home and gets stuff. No problem. My dad can't make it, he can't fly north when it's cold. And my in-laws...ahh...I officially am the devil to them, so they won't come near us.
    I do know that some hospital's have very very good security and if you give them a list of who can and can't come, they will be sure to make it that way. As for home, tell them you are too worried about baby catching anything in the first few weeks, and you want and NEED to bond with baby.
    You have to get crude and rude sometimes. Family like that need to be told their place. Seriously, tell them you want to bond with YOUR baby before you let anyone else! If they try to come over, let them in real quick, then say you and baby need to nap can they please come back some other time.

    Good luck! Family can be hard to deal with, esp with a new baby!
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    Registered User Janie73's Avatar
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    I'm stuck in a similar position. My MIL and her husband, who is a complete jerk, want to come stay for TWO WEEKS after the baby is born. They don't cook, they don't clean, and they don't even want to help care for the baby; they just want to "visit." I've told DH that he's got to tell them not to come, but neither of us wants him to jeopardize his relationship with his mother.

    To make things even worse, my parents only live 40 minutes away, and I actually want my mom around! She will cook and clean and is very respectful of a new family's need to bond. So, I'm trying to get MIL to stay home even though my mom will have the run of the place.

    I wish that everyone could be like my SIL who basically just told us to issue orders and she would happily follow, even if it means staying away for a little while!
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  8. #8
    Miserable snowbunny's Avatar
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    Default

    Thank you so much for your advice! It is much appreciated! It's also nice to know, that we're not requesting anything too unfair--just a couple weeks of PEACE! (well ... relative peace, aside from the pooping, feeding, crying etc.)


    I will definitely incorporate all your suggestions, especially about the hospital as it's SO important to us to experience this privately.

    We will be sending out our save the date cards for that celebration within the week! And, yes, the families have been apprised of our intentions and requests for privacy both verbally and in email. If they choose to come that week - they're SOL. Our baby, DH and I are what's important right now.

    Thanks Again!

  9. #9
    Registered User jewilson01's Avatar
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    Just wanted to tell you that I SOOOO relate. In fact yesterday I got a letter in the mail from my step mother saying that she and my father plan on coming up (they are in TX and I live in IL) "when my time comes" and that she's already arranged time off work.

    Here's the zinger.... I haven't even spoken to my step mother since my wedding day which was 4 years ago this Thursday (happy anniversary to me - ha ha). I talk to my dad maybe once a year and even then the call is all about him and never me and how I'm doing. I've lived in IL for 9 years now and they haven't come to visit me once, step mom has never called me, dad calls once a year, we don't exchange christmas or birthday gifts and heck they didn't even get us a wedding gift or help in any way with our wedding but they sure showed up and had a great time on my dime. So family I don't even talk to are planning on coming which was just so weird and inappropriate my head almost exploded when I read the letter last night. I mean seriously I'm into my 8th month of pg and they haven't called once this whole pg to even see how I'm feeling. Ugh !

    Sorry didn't mean to hijack your thread - just wanted you to know that I can totally relate - I'm just all fired up on this topic. I'm telling my mom to give us at least a week before she flys up to visit and she and I are very close. So I think what you're feeling is completely normal. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Your family loves you and will completely understand at some point. Besides once they do meet your baby all will be forgotten or at least probaly not mentioned again because they will want to see your baby a second time.

    Sorry for rambling... and venting.

  10. #10
    Luv my Rascal & RiffRaff Lynnz's Avatar
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    Sometimes you just have to be blunt. I'm anticipating needing to do so with DH's step mom. She's a little "out there" as it is. Just o give you an example, at holidays, even though we are sitting at a 12 foot table and there are only 7 or 8 of us including her, she sits in the kitchen "because there isn't any room at the table". WHAT?? Anyway, she was in the delivery room with SIL last August when she had her baby (1st grandchild). Let me tell you, if she comes NEAR the hospital before I've had the baby, security HAS to escort her out. There is no way I want her in the room when I'm delivering. I don't want ANYONE there except DH and the drs/nurses (I guess I'd better be there too!). DH and I have talked about it and we know we are going to have to just tell her straight out - don't come to the hospital or to our house unless we call you.

    Good luck - I know I'll need it too!
    Lynn

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