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  1. #1
    Registered User wvchic1979's Avatar
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    Angry Why Are Adult Children So Ungrateful?

    I would really like to know the answer to that question. If you can fill me in, please do so.
    What am I talking about? Why are adult children so ungrateful? How do you get to the point that you dont care about seeing your parents?
    My oldest brother does not have anthing to do with my mom. We dont come from a family with "issues". My mom is a great person. Very loving and caring. Always eager to care for her family. She sacraficed so many things for us kids. She is the mother to 4 kids. 2 boys, 2 girls. My older sister died about 19 years ago. That leaves me, the only girl and my two older brothers. Our father died about 4 years ago from lung cancer and mom has just been diagnosed with a heart blockage and hear disease.
    My brother we will call him Al, is married to a woman that no one in the family likes. They have been married for 10 years and his life has been one big struggle since then. She is very jealous and possesive. Always accusing him of affairs, even with her own sisters. She is very over weight and very insecure. She is absoultley psycho! My father was the 1st person to see through her years ago. When he was dying she actually kept his grandkids from seeing him. It hurt him so much. Now she is doing the same thing to my mom. If anyone wants to have a good life, and do better for themselves, she wont have anything to do with you. Last year, after 3 years of fighting for her disability, my mom got her backtime check from social security. We live with her and take care of her. She bought her a new car and did some home repairs with what little she got. Since that day, my sil will not have a thing to do with any of us. She is a very jealous person I might add.
    For the last few years Al has went through stages where he does what she wants and doesnt have anything to do with mom. That lasted a few weeks or so then it was over. This time it has been since January of 2004. She saw them at christmas, and has not saw them since then. He calls about 1 time a month if that. And let me just add he lives right next door. A 1 minute walk!
    Now my mom is back in the hospital with an anxiety attack. Al came by my office today and I told him. He acted like he didnt care and when I asked him if he was going to see her, he would not answer me.
    I am devestated about this. I can imagine how my mom feels. How can you turn your back on the one person in the world that loves you unconditionally?
    Please give me some advice and words of wisdom about this.

    Melissa
    Melissa & Josh 8/16/1997

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    "I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalms 130:5

  2. #2
    Your will not mine Lord! HISIRISHGEM's Avatar
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    Melissa,

    I'm so sorry your both going through this. Unfortunately, there's no reason for Al to abandon his family. It's not right. Instead of getting hatred in your heart...I would start by first praying for your own heart. Do this until you get some peace in your heart..trust me, God will give you peace! Then, when your mom is feeling better, you need to be honest with her. I would say, mom, Al is in over his head and needs our prayer right now. I would say the whole family does because taking the grandkids away is quite a loss to the kids as well. Get serious about praying together for your brother and his family. Let it go to God! As much as you want to go over there, don't. As much as you want to call, don't. If they call only to complain, turn it back on them by saying, look, if you want to talk about something positive, or about mom, I can't focus on the negativity right now. (my christian therapist taught me that...putting responsibility back in their lap). I would be blunt with your brother and tell him that your mother has been there for him as a child and would like to be a part of his life and his children. Then I would pull back...both you and your mother. Trust me, it sounds as if he's in a relationship that is about to combust! He needs prayer because one day he's going to wake up and feel as if he's lost his family, and his life is out of control. The good thing on his side, is that he'll never lose his family......but he can sure hurt them with disappointment. So....my answer....pray for the hurt in your own heart to get rid of the bad feelings towards them, then start praying for them...tell God what it is that has hurt you and your mom.......Aside from prayer...pull away and LET GOD do the work. He will and it may take some time...but when your brother opens his eyes ......when he starts to panic from his own situation he's in? You both will be the first place he'll turn. Basically, he needs to grow up and take on his role...sounds like someone else has the control in his life and theirs no authority he has....or submission from his wife.

    Hope this helps!
    ~Rebekah~


    38 y/o DH Doug: 38 y/o
    ~Mommy to my angel baby, Jackson Jeffery born at 22wks gestation on October 22, 2009~Hidden Content
    ~Mommy to Amelia Gabrielle 9/2011 after 10 yrs of trying. Achieved with injectables then 17P injections and a cerclage stitch to keep her in there due to an incompetent cervix.
    *ttc again for a 2nd full term healthy baby in March 2013.
    *Waiting to adopt too!Hidden Content

  3. #3
    Registered User wvchic1979's Avatar
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    It does help. I had never looked at it that way. I dont exactly have hatred in my heart...its more resintment I think.
    Pray for my heart huh? Im not sure how to do that. Do I pray that God will heal my heart of these thoughts and give me peace about the situation? That would be a start.
    You know what is the worst thing about this whole situation. My brother has the best personality and everyone who meets him likes him. He is just a people person. I want him to be happy. I want my mom to see her grandbabies too.
    We dont go over there. We have not been over there since it became apperant that if we wanted to see the kids, we could come over there and see them. Her mom does not come to their house, maybe 3 times a year and she sees the kids EVERY day.
    As you can see there is a lot of history here. And there are alot of bad feelings. I dont want to feel this way. I love my brother so much, But I love my mom more. I dont want to see her hurting either. I need alot of prayer and guidance with this situation. Are you up for it Rebekah? I would love to have my heart healed and learn how to better handle this situation. My problem is that I usually take a lot and then after it builds up, I say what I feel and sometimes that doesnt help. I think part of the problem is that my sil and I used to be good friends. She became a very backstabbing and childish person so I withdrew myself from the situation. We have hung out alot since then, but it is very clear that we are 2 totally different people now. We have different goals, intrests, lifestyles and more. She trys to force the friendship that we once had and its just not there. Please help me pray for direction and understanding with this situation. I will pray on it tonight. You know my biggest fear is that sometimes God uses peoples mistakes to help them realize and learn from their mistakes. My biggest fear is that he will take my mom home so that al can learn from his mistake. I cant stand to loose my mom. She has been there my entire life and is such a huge part of my life. Do you understand what I mean by that?

    Rebekah, please know that I am still praying for you too. I am praying for healing and comfort at this time in your life. I can tell that you are an amazing person just from your words. God has great plans for you! I am here for you!

    Melissa
    Melissa & Josh 8/16/1997

    2 fur babies:
    Sami (12) German Sheppard, & Hanna (5) St. Bernard.

    5 Rounds of Clomid in 2003 O'd but no PG
    Metformin 2000mg

    facebook.com/ncjg24fan

    Weightloss: 25 lbs and counting Hidden Content

    "I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalms 130:5

  4. #4
    Your will not mine Lord! HISIRISHGEM's Avatar
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    Thanks Melissa...

    Your comment blessed me!

    Well, a few things I'd like to say.....First...I know what your talking about when you say your afraid God uses mistakes to learn from their mistakes....I dealt with that feeling awhile back. My answer? Think of our Heavenly Father not as an earthly father, but as a father who loves you UNCONDITIONALLY, who corrects but doesn't hurt, who allows you to go through your mistakes...but will pick you up when you fall if you ask, who will NEVER LEAVE YOU no matter WHAT mistakes you've made in the past. While satan is testing us with material things, with our faith in Christ (as he did by taking EVERYTHING away from Job), with women trying to be everything to everyone....overwhelmingly coming up short everytime with beauty, being wonder woman with our husbands, family, our jobs...etc....we tend to forget that God is there. Melissa, he doesn't take one thing away from you like that to repreimand you or your brother....he can use peoples experience, etc. But if and when its your moms time, its not for that reason. Its unfortunate that it may take him that long to learn how much he's hurt his family....but it doesn't have to be that way. Your heavenly father isn't just YOURS, he's your mothers too. He knows whats best for her, and he won't put her life in jeoprady because your brother is going through something very different. So get that outa your mind...God can use something totally different to change your brothers life! Maybe he'll have the last straw with his wife, or maybe something totally different. Only God knows that.

    Pray for your heart.lol I resisted when I first had to do this! It was very hard because I found myself asking God, "why should I pray for my own heart when its this person who's hurting me??" Trust me, it was hard on my own ego for awhile...but by the time I got through it, I felt a great need to pray for the person...and I found better...because I felt a sense of peace within my own heart. You can't pray wholeheartidly for someone when you have anger or hatred towards them...its REAAAAAAAAAAAAAL hard! How did I do it? I just told God how I was feeling about the situation, that I was mad and even had hatred towards her. I told him my reasoning and what I felt she was doing wrong....however I didn't TELL HIM what needed to be corrected in her.....basically he was working on my hatred towards this person......what I gave him about why I was angry enabled Him to work in her. For a woman who obviousely hated me back to come to me almost a year later crying in church and hugging me, well....It was definately God. That wasn't a wall that could come down without him because it was two people who literally hated each other without knowing each other. So I'm telling you it works! I don't dislike many people but when I do...each time I have to pray for my own heart....and I'll let you in on a little secret. Sometimes God has to correct me because sometimes the one who's the problem is Me! So you may find that at some other time.....just to warn you.lol If you ask Him for peace in your heart, he'll give it to you, if its your heart that needs to be corrected, he'll do that too.

    There's no special way to pray...praying is just another way of talking to God. To talk to Him, tell Him your situation, and let him work. You have to pray consistently and be willing to wait. It took about a month and a half for me to feal the peace in my heart because i'm stubborn...it could take someone else a bit longer, depending on their circumstances.....then when you feel peace, you must be open to praying consistently for the people on your heart......this took almost a year for my end result (the person that was my enemy to cry and hug me out of nowhere...and I didn't expect it at all). Like I said before, you could have a great outcome, but you may only have peace in your heart...if anything, thats well worth it, because your prayers won't go unnoticed...it just depends on how the person on your heart recieves Gods plans for them. Take out your bible....look for scriptures on peace in a concordance in the back of your Bible while your praying for yourself.....also Psalms can help. I would also look up scriptures on reconciliation start praying them aloud, and pray them for your brother and his family when your ready. Keep praying through it. I would find a time for you and your family....your mom especially...or even if its just the two of you (but its better to have a united front) for devotionals. Pick the same time everyday or night before bed...get together, pray together, ask beforehand who has specific prayers, if nobody does, choose something you know each of them deal with and start praying , then start praying for reconciliation, for peace, for everyone to wear the Armour of God EVERYDAY (get that scripture..Ephesians 6:10-18) and watch your homefront start getting peace. Even your mother.....if she resists, make her sit with you during devotionals. Make it a new family rule. A home that prays together stays together. You need some peace and healing! Please let me know if I can help you in any other way.

    In the meantime, thank you for your prayers. I'm blessed with many praying for me. What a humbling experience! I'm positively focused on God and His will and know that everything will be alright!

    Get ready for Victory because its heading your way!
    ~Rebekah~


    38 y/o DH Doug: 38 y/o
    ~Mommy to my angel baby, Jackson Jeffery born at 22wks gestation on October 22, 2009~Hidden Content
    ~Mommy to Amelia Gabrielle 9/2011 after 10 yrs of trying. Achieved with injectables then 17P injections and a cerclage stitch to keep her in there due to an incompetent cervix.
    *ttc again for a 2nd full term healthy baby in March 2013.
    *Waiting to adopt too!Hidden Content

  5. #5
    Registered User ~Lori~'s Avatar
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    Melissa,
    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wonder the same thing about my older sister. I often wonder how to siblings brought up in the same house can be so different in the way we live out our lives. My parents are both in need of support from me from time to time. My sister has never lifted a finger to help out. I have to beg her to come visit my parents and she is only 20 mins away. I just don't get it either. I will keep you in my prayers.

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