A Boyfriend's call for needed education

[danielm]

Hello Everyone,

Thanks for sharing all your thoughts and allowing me to take them in. I am new to this site and just really wanted to post my experiences with PCOS and get your understanding and advice with it.

My partner has dealt with PCOS on and off for as long as I have known her. I call her my little hippy girlfriend - she grew up in a small surfing community since her teenage years and her three favourite words are organic, healthy and ocean. She is a stunning, gorgeous woman inside & out and I secretly had a crush on her long before we were together.

After a few months into our relationship I noticed that her usual sunny disposition would wane at times. We all do that - no-one can be happy all of the time. But hers would take on a much different wane - sometimes highly depressed - other times it would lead to explosive savage outbursts. I actually thought she was a different person - she was cold, mean, and distant. The things that would come out of her mouth.... I recoiled immediately - why would anyone treat someone like this? After leaving her for a few hours she called me back where I found her breaking into tears and saying that because I am so close to her I treated her this way.

I found this unbelievable - do she think I'm buying this? Over the 2 years that we've been together the outburst come and go. She is seeking a natural approach through a fantastic naturopath who seems to making a lot of progress.

Recently there has been a big spike in her moods though - what I wanted to know is that do other people experience this as badly as what my girl does? It is so hard to not react to them and I am finding myself so lost. I try not to take it personally but it gets harder as the moods get more savage - she's moving out, she doesn't want to see me again, i disgust her, i'm useless, fat - the next day it's as if its never happened.

This is not my baby but how do I go about it....

I

[mc8678]

PCOS can play with a person's emotions because it is a hormone driven disorder. However, repeated dramatic changes to her entire personality may be suggesting something more intense than just PCOS. Depression, Bi-polar disorder, etc. I would suggest having her speak with a licensed professional about these outbursts. A professional may be able to help her work through the issues or point in her in the direction of a homeopathic way of treating whatever is disturbing her personality if she is not interested in traditional medication.

It may also help for the two of you to go see a counselor together. What she is doing to you is a form of abuse (whether she realizes she is doing it or not) and you should not be subjected to that. A counselor may also be able to give you pointers on how to handle her when she is having an outburst so that you do not end up taking the majority of her lashing.

[LouLou707]

I agree with Megan. I've definitely had my emotional roller-coasters. Something as stupid as a commercial can set my tears in motion and I've had my fair share of outbursts. But I'm aware enough that I have never been verbally abusive to my fiance.

[danielm]

Thankyou for your advice ladies. It's like there's an anger welling up
Inside her that needs to get out. Do the symptoms of PCOS increase depending on the number of cysts on her ovaries?

I may be looking for an answer in the wrong place though
- it could be a greater issue not physically related and I should just accept that maybe she's simply unhappy but it seems so uncharacteristic.

[mc8678]

cysts on the ovaries are a symptom of the disorder, not a cause. PCOS is a hormone based disorder and symptoms tend to increase as hormones become more and more out of control. Certain medications and/or diets can help keep the hormones in check.

[sandmart2009]

I have had my share of the mood swings from hell and yes it can get very destructive. I have a sister-in-law who is acting like a total psycho with her mood swings and a lot of the problem is because she is allowing her mood swings to control her. Nowadays, my husband always reminds me to be conscious of my reactions and always assess carefully before I react especially that Clomid and Provera really elevates my sensitivity.

I would suggest seeking professional help. Maybe medication will help manage it.

[GlitterStar]

The amount of cysts on the ovaries are of no consquence, in fact, PCOS is somewhat of a misnomer because one doesn't even need to have cysts on the ovaries to have PCOS. It's a common symptom but there are still plenty of women with PCOS who have no cysts. As far as depression and mood swings, yes, it can be very common as well. I went thru about 2 years of a severe depression. I would go to work, come home, and go to sleep. Or on my off days, I'd do nothing but lay on the couch and watch TV. On the rare instances I had to go out to buy food and toiletries, I'd freak out. I got to the point where I'd walk into a store and felt like the whole place was closing in around me. I'd get sick to my stomach and have to run to a bathroom or run out of the store. At work I started experiencing the same thing; if someone would stand too close or stand behind me/over my should; those were especially prone to set me off and I'd break out into a sweat, get really nervous, and have to bail out of there and take a break as quickly as possible. I'd have outbursts of crying for no apparent reason. I'd be bawling and someone could ask me what was wrong and I honestly had no clue and no reason, I just couldn't help it. It's the weirdest feeling in the world to know that nothing is wrong, you're OK, but you can't stop crying. I started developing phobias - especially with the dentist for some reason. I'd seen a dentist every 6 months for my entire life and never had a problem but that all changed too. I'd freak out and the only way they could even do a routine cleaning was to put me to sleep. I'd get so anxious and wound up that I'd burn thru a tank of laughing gas in no time and it never had an effect on me. And again, the weirdest feeling to know that they're just cleaning your teeth and to sit there and know they're not hurting you, you're not in pain, yet jump 10 feet out of the chair with every touch, crying, and begging them to stop. It was craziness - literally.

Fortunately, when I started Metformin, much of that has gone away. I don't sleep all day, I go out with friends and family, DH and I try new things together, go out to eat, I have no problems with people leaning over me at work or getting into personal space, I go shopping for anything and everything without freaking out in a store. So, treatment for the PCOS has really helped me in so many ways.

But, with all that said, one thing I never did or that I've never known to be common with PCOS is such extremes from one end to the other. I was just depressed and anxious but it was at least an even keel. If I was down, I was down. I didn't jump from one extreme to another in matter of hours, days, or weeks. I pretty much stayed the same way until I was officially diagnosed and started medication. I also never harmed anyone but myself. I didn't put down friends or family or even strangers. I just kept to myself and did my own thing. If they called to try and get me to come out with them I'd just simply tell them no, I didn't feel up to it. Or if they annoyed me, I'd find a way to politely excuse myself and go back to my own business of lying on the couch or in bed. I never treated them badly. It sounds to me like she's suffering something more severe; possibily bi-polar disorder. Like the other ladies, I agree that this is more than just the typical PCOS depression/mood swings and I also agree that it's bordering on flat out abusive. My other concern would be that if it continues, could it progress to her physically harming herself or someone else in an outburst? Right now it's just verbal but if it continues, it could become physical.

I'm glad to hear she's making progress with a neuropath, that's excellent and I think she should keep seeing them if it's helping. But, in some cases, homeopathic measures just aren't going to be enough. As much as she might be opposed to them, an actual drug/medication may be what she needs and there's no shame in admitting it or taking it. It doesn't sound to me like just general unhappiness either. People can be unhappy and a lot of folks are but they don't go to such extremes in personality and behavior. I also think you should be applauded for sticking with her; so many people today just aren't up for the committment it takes to have a normal relationship work much less one where there's an on-going issue involved. You obviously care about her a lot and that's great; whether she realizes it all the time or not, you're probably helping her out a lot just by being there and being someone she can count on. But, you also need to take care of yourself as well so talk with a counselor yourself if you need to; keeping strong will help you both through it. I know it's got to be just as hard on you as it is her so just remember that while you're trying to help her, don't neglect yourself!

[alice29]

Firstly, you sound like an awesome boyfriend and congratulations on coming here to sort this out!
I'm in quite a similar situation to yours but on the giving end - I have an amazing boyfriend who is generally understanding, but when I get really moody and take it out on him, he doesn't know what to think. I feel so terrible in between those times for making him feel like ****, but when it happens, I just get so angry at him for no reason, as if it's all his fault.

I think a part of the reason we do this is because we're so angry on the inside about the condition that sometimes it all builds up and we just burst with the frustration and feel the need to take it out on someone. We tend to make that someone we're close to because we assume that they can handle it and it won't get to them, but really it's the other way around. So I just want to say don't take it personally, part of it is hugely influenced by her hormones which have an amazing amount of control over us. But if it gets really bad, I do agree with the others and suggest seeking professional help, it could be best for you in the long run.
Good luck!

[chewbacca86]

I agree with mc8678. I would consider addressing her mental state with a mental health professional as well. An unbalanced hormone system can definitely have quite an impact on your emotions. Is she on any type of hormonal birth control? I've been on the depo provera shot twice in my life. The first time for about four years and the second time for 6 months. I'm just now getting off of it, because I observed that the first whole month after my shot, my emotions were crazy and I even felt suicidal. It worsen my PCOS symptoms x 10. I've noticed I've had much more control over my emotions and behavior once off birth control and with a healthy diet. She may need something more in order to get things in balance too. This is all information based off of my own personal experience, but I'm sure many other women can relate as well.

[mjlytton]

Hubby experienced the same thing with me when we were newly married. We didn't start improving, the condition and our relationship, until we saw a specialist and did our "homework". I will tell you my husband is my #1 fan and he helps me fight the symptoms so be as supportive as you call even when she's blaming you for everything.

Matt become my sounding board to get through the emotional roller coasters but he says he's willing to do that and learned not to take it personally. It does pass and then we can talk about it if needed.

[Nola-Tink]

I have to say I am guilty at times of just hitting out on my Hubby and taking my change of mood out on him. But I think for you to find help and reach out like this emans you love and care for her alot. It's very sweet :0) Hope you find the answers your looking for!

[ChelseaEvans]

My fiance took so much verbal abuse when I was at my worst (before we knew I had an issue and was not just being *****y) It was like a switch flipped one day and I went from his soft spoken yet stubborn high school sweetheart to a savage hitting below the belt yelling crazy person. After months of doctor visits and medication my hormones are more stable. I try to apologize but he says that I couldn't help that I have this and he understands now. I feel so lucky but I also wonder if he really means it or needs to talk about his feelings with someone who understands.

[KatCarney]

I know this is an older thread, but I wanted to add that the mood swings could also be as a result of the medications she's taking for her PCOS (or anything else).

When I was DX'd, the Dr Rx'd BCP's and spiro, and I turned into a different person. It was scary. Mood swings and outbursts like you wouldn't believe it.

The change was dramatic, and I could pinpoint it to starting the meds (I had had PCOS for years before the diagnosis).

Now that I think of it, going through that is how SoulCysters got started....

When I called the doctor to say that I was feeling 'depressive' and 'moody', he said I was 'depressed and moody because I was fat'. <- that's EXACTLY what he said.

When I countered with, "Well, I was obese 'before' I started these meds, and I was happy and balanced', he just shrugged me off.

I asked, "Will I die or be sick if I stop taking these meds". He said, no. So I told him he was fired. Threw the meds in the trash, and started my own research into a) new doctors and b) pcos.

Within a week, after coming off the meds, I felt like a new person.

Later, I found a new doctor and started flutamide (no side effects)

1 year later, I was 90 pounds lighter, no diagnostic signs of pcos, and off meds (and happy).

Less than a year after that, SoulCysters was born - to help women with pcos 'navigate' the research, compare 'notes' on their experience, and to feel better.

I've also noticed that low fat diets also severely affect my moods, as does irregular sleep and stress. There is plenty of research on this.

This is getting long, but I just wanted to point say: don't blame everything on the pcos (even though it can be easy). Sometimes it's the meds, type of diet, etc. All of these can affect our moods, and because of the hormonal 'nature' of PCOS, it's possible that cysters are even more sensitive to meds and diet.

All the best,
-k

[danielm]

Wow! I've never posted on a forum before and I'm so glad I did. Thanks for your advice and input everyone. I've been a bit greedy and have been reading yours and not reposting.

I agree with so many of your points. I don't for one second believe that it is her intention to cause pain when her mood swings come about - so therefore don't take it personally. And trust me, that took a lot of getting used to! You're used to interpreting things as fact.. ok so she said this so she must mean it... I'm 30 years old, had a few other girlfriends but never experienced anything as.. strong as this. The fact that it was so... i guess the right word would be bi-polar triggered that it wasn't natural and was being brought on by something else.

Communication - what a fantastic word! The more we brought the issue out in to the light the more it became an approachable issue. She used to hide it and feel ashamed of it. I love her with all my heart, the way she takes so long to get ready in the morning and uses all the hot water, that goofy laugh I'm rewarded with when I tell a stupid joke... and this. It's all part of the package.

I mentioned she went to a naturopath... she's very mindful of what goes into her body. (yes that means me too now! goodbye pizza hello tofu wrap!) so anything pharmacutical based was steered clear from. There's an amazing woman that she has been seeing who specializes in women's hormones and most notably PCOS. The fact that she herself lives with it means she was in great hands. After doing tests there was a lot within her body that was "out of whack"

After the first few visits I was seeing my girlfriend come home with herbal remedies, drops, powders... oh my god - she saw YOU coming baby! But after the first month I noticed the changes in her, when it was time for her period her moods weren't as strong, her skin was clearning up in normally flared up areas (jawline) but she was upbeat and positive.

Proxan... what a wonderful remedy. It showed in her tests that with the huge amount of oestrogen in her system she also had a massively low amount of seretonin. What Proxan does is rapidly promotes the production of the seretonin and boy does it work!

Sorry to rabbit on but since then we've only noticed one outburst that has been described as "heavy" and that's in a total of 6 months. I suppose you need to find the help that works for you... there's still work to be done here but it's come a long way from what it was.

[danielm]

Thanks Kat - I totally agree with you there. We forget that our moods are also caused by what we put into our body, not just our body itself.

Sugar - is there anything more vile. Recently read an ebook by Australian author Sarah Wilson called "I quit sugar" and after a bit of self-analyzing realised how much was going into our bodies. Chocolate after lunch, chocolate after dinner - after scaling it back to the bare minimun (2 pieces of fruit only & being mindful and everyday meals containing it) it also had a dramatic effect on moods and energy levels. Not to mention weight.