Miscarried this week, back on Metformin!

[Honey3511]

So we miscarried this week and I had a D&C on Wednesday at 14 weeks. We are going to take 3 months off of TTC to get better and heal physically/emotionally. I went back on my prenatal vitamin and metformin today to help my body be as regular and healthy when we are ready to start trying again. We have known for a few weeks that our baby had a catastrophic defect and it wouldn't make it so we are relieved to be able to physically move on from this now. I had nightmares that my baby was in pain given the multiple organs that were involved. I found some comfort today as I am one day closer to healing physically, one day closer to trying again, one day closer to have the family that we dreamed of. My husband and I grieving together and seeing a grief counselor. We are working really hard and have been since we found out to be open and honest with how we handle this together. Its not easy but we are doing it somehow. There are days I can't believe this is happening and days when I just take a deep breath and be thankful my baby is no longer in pain or in distress.

I have had a few friends send flowers and offer condolences, mostly positive, some insensitive. I guess i don't understand that people assume that since you miscarried that you are not parents. We lost a baby, one that had a hb, one that I saw kick, that I watched on the u/s, the doctor couldn't find the feet one time and I told them to look for my bladder cuz the baby liked to tap dance there (I couldn't feel it but I peed enough during the day to know it was doing something), sure enough there the feet were kicking away. The baby died as peacefully as possible and didn't have to know a life of surgery after surgery, hooked up to a ventilator. We are thankful but it doesn't take the pain away from the loss we feel. The hospital gave me a memory box with its footprints, (it makes me smile as the baby had big feet like my husband). We will be getting the baby cremated as we couldn't let the hospital dispose of the baby like medical waste. We will have ashes that we are going to spread around a tree we are going to plant in its memory. We are not going to name the baby, we just call it our little dragonfly as that is how we had decided to decorate the nursery before we had lost the baby. Why do people assume that you are not parents because you lost your baby, we don't have a baby to take home but we grieve for the loss, we had to sign a paper naming ourselves as parents to release the body. We had pack up all of our maternity clothes, all of our baby books, all of our dreams for our little one.

Sorry for the rant, I just got mad that one of my friends that is a new mother told us that one day we will have a baby we will understand that joy that comes with being able to hold a baby "when we are parents." She sent me this note the day after I was released from the hospital after losing our baby. I just wanted to scream, I know that she was trying to comfort me and sent the note because she wanted to feel that she was helping us in our time of mourning. I just found it insensitive. I didn't respond and I won't respond as anything I send right now would be emotional and angry but I AM A MOTHER. Unfortunately, I am a mother that has had to bury my child rather than hold it and comfort it. I will eventually get my chance but not right now. It just sucks all around to have to feel that people don't respect that about my husband and I. I feel fortunate that we found out as soon as we did, some parents with children that have this defect dont usually find out until 18+ weeks and have to go through labor and delivery at that point to a stillborn child. BUT at the end of the day it is still a loss and it still sucks Thanks for letting me rant and say all the things I can't say to everyone else. There are only a few people who understand what we go through. Thanks ladies!

[MDC05]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Yes. You absolutely are a mother! Your child is very real and the pain of the loss is so unspeakable. I'm so glad you and DH are going to grief counseling. I think that may have helped us when we lost our baby. People can be incredibly and unbelievably insensitive when it comes to something like that, and I dare say it's from ignorance. If they don't know the pain of loss like that, some of the dumbest things can be said.

I am so sorry for you right now. I hope you can find peace during your mourning. I think the ashes around a tree is a beautiful way to memorialize your little dragonfly. Your baby was blessed with special parents.

[joynhope]

Honey: So sorry for your tragic loss. I hope that in the coming days the truly comforting words outnumber the insensitive ones. My thoughts are with you.

[Nicole1979]

You are wonderful parents and love the memory tree and giving your sweet dragonfly life through earth and the lord. I'm so thankful that your Lo is no longer suffering and is an angel whom will always be with you and your DH. It Sounds like you are healing. People say the strangest things when they don't know how to express themselves when it comes to death especially a death of a child. I will say a prayer for you and DH to heal your hearts cry whenever you need to don't hold it in.

[Honey3511]

thanks ladies. It feels better to vent or say all the things I can't say to some of my loved ones. My family and friends are incredibly supportive but don't know what to do/say as much as we don't know what to do/say. It feels good to have someone to say these to that can relate on some level. No loss is the same, no child is the same, no pregnancy is the same but everyone here feels something that connects us and I feel that if anyone would appreciate my frustration without judgement it would be here with my cysters. I feel better after venting today.

My dh and I will never let people diminish our role as parents but I understand how its harder for them to see that as they didn't feel the baby or see the u/s like we did of the baby kicking, etc. I just thought my friend, knowing that she is a mother would know what she felt when she was seeing her son like we did, I didn't expect her reaction, but I can't control it. One of the mothers on my grief support group said, it might be one of those friends that don't make the cut in the end when this starts to heal but only time will tell. So I remain at the mercy of TIME... for healing, for recovery, for waiting to have my future children and I have to learn to accept it. That's why they say patience is a virtue. BLAH is sucks but I better get used to it.

[DiamondInTheRough]

Honey, I am sorry about your friend's response to you. She should have acknowledged your baby in the present, and not that 'one day joy' to come. The fact is, you had the joy of motherhood through your pg, and the hopes and dreams that surrounded it. Your baby was loved and wanted and deserves to be acknowledged and grieved over. Don't let her naive words bother you - she just doesn't know what she doesn't know. I'm sure if she realized how dismissive she was being, she'd be mortified. ((hugs))

[gapchic400]

I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, you have the right to grieve as a mother, you carried a baby. I lost mine last week too and had a D&C last Wednesday. Unfortunately, people are insensitive and ignorant at times. Let it out and tell that person how you feel. If they get it and apologize, they are worth being in your lives. If they dismiss it, I would be more selective of who I share things with (personal experience). I wish you a relaxing break from TTC and sticky baby dust in the future

[Honey3511]

I didn't say anything to that person, I just wanted to let it go. I posted on FB that I needed some suggestions on how to pass the time with the next weeks off work as I was stir crazy already and I can't go back to work until my OB clears me to lift up to 50lbs which she says she wont for two weeks, and I am not supposed to go on long walks and things. Some of my friends suggested some good books to read, tai chi, or craft projects and then that same friend who wrote the insensitive letter, posted I should knit like she did for the "first three weeks after her son was born" because she couldn't do much and wanted to keep busy. She only posts or messages to talk about her freaking baby and pregnancy. Her son is 3 months old already. My dh deleted her post and told me if she gets mad that its gone he will talk to her for me. I just can't deal with her, i don't want to worry about losing a friend right now but she just keeps posting to talk about her baby and her pregnancy.

I know that it is new mom euphoria and how could anyone not want to share in her joy but I really don't right now. I don't want to talk to her cuz I will be emotional and I might take some of this other stuff out on my frustration with her. My dh said he would explain that while we are very happy for her good fortune and a beautiful healthy baby boy, we really don't want to be reminded about that right now as we have to bury our baby next week. I can't even hold or look at my niece who is a beautiful 4 month old baby without breaking down. My SIL, who hasn't been very supportive in the past is being so understanding and supportive right now. I am so thankful she isn't getting mad or taking it personally and respecting our needs right now. I wish my friend had more tact. She may not be a friend that will make the cut when all is said and done but right now I just don't want to worry about losing someone else. I have lost enough this week.

[Honey3511]

gapchic400, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for your support. I seem to need a lot of that right now.

[Nicole1979]

Sounds like your friend is clueless on how to be supportive and kind or how to have compassion. Ughh I can't beleave she is writing stuff like that. She could have recommended the knitting without the personal exp with it. I suggest doing something to cleanse your mind and heal your heart. Can you and DH get away for the weekend. Do you journal might be something to help get all if your feelings out. Do you live near the beach that would be a great place to journal. Or somewhere quiet where you can enjoy nature. I live in ca so weather has been good here. Take care and we are hear for you.

[ejcelli]

Honey-if you are up for it, I would love to send you a copy of my book for free. If you are, please PM me your address.

[vtmargaret]

I'm late on this post, but just wanted to chime in that it really is out of ignorance that people say insensitive things.

It's hard being around people who don't get that it was a real baby. My own mother won't respect the fact that it was even a real pregnancy. She gets silent whenever I mention my 2nd pregnancy, even if I'm just comparing morning sickness symptoms with another preggo with no reference to the loss. I know when I get pregnant with my 3rd child she's going to balk at the number, but it's the truth. These are very real babies. We are real parents who have suffered a loss.

It's wonderful your family has been supportive. This experience does let you know where your real support system lies. I had no idea I had such amazing friends. I've grown up with this really wonderful big extended family, and they vanished when this happened. I got more cards and condolences when my dog died. When my baby died I didn't get a card, letter, or phone call from one extended family member. It was shocking to me, but then friends I've only met in the last year were there for me every step of the way. I had to un-announce on FB and people I hadn't spoken to in years left me the most thoughtful comments. I really felt loved and felt my lifes impact.

I hope you're doing well in your recovery and almost back at work. The pain never goes away, but it does get easier. Our thoughts are with you!

[JesusLovesMe]

Honey, the same thing happened to me with my 2nd mc only I was completely unprepared and taken off guard over having the hospital not giving my baby back to me at the end of my surgery. I was frantic to find a low cost funeral home for a cremation. The funeral home seemed lost at what to do since there was no birth certificate, they werent sure if they could give a death certificate. I guess they were never really asked to cremate such a tiny baby. I wish theyd just give us our babies free and clear. I mean, what do they do with them? Just throw them in some gauze and throw them away I presume. I just couldnt let that happen to my baby. All babies deserve to have a proper burial if at all possible. I know in some cases they unknowingly ge wiped away and flushed or the mom is in so much grief and shock its hard to think clearly. And you are a mom, God put that little one inside you, choose you. Choose you to mother her for however long she was on this Earth, which is also in His hands. As His children we are all supposed to make our mark in the world, change people, bring joy to people. So your baby did just that, she changed you and brought joy. She was a good little bean. You are definitely a mommy. People suck sometimes. They just cant relate.

[ejcelli]

Margaret - You are sooooo right. Our babies we real, even if they weren't born. I put a quote in my book, "If it's not a baby, you're not pregnant." It was from a bumper sticker I saw. I know it was a pro-life sticker but still, it makes complete sense. We were pregnant with a baby and our baby died. It doesn't matter how small our baby was, it was a BABY!! It hurts! People don't know what to say. It makes them uncomfortable so they try to brush it aside by saying things like, "You can have another one," or "there was something wrong with it," of "everything happens for a reason." Doesn't matter and even if it were true, we still have the right to mourn the loss of our baby!!

[SheriKCMO]

I'm so sorry! Please try to ignore your friend right now and just protect your tender heart. She just has no clue whatsoever, and thank goodness for that. I wouldn't wish this type of loss and grief on anyone. It's hard to tune it out, but please try, because she doesn't mean to harm you. You could email and let her know that you aren't able to be around infants or even hear them discussed right now while your grief for your baby is so fresh. I was one of the lucky few who didn't go through this part of the typical emotions, because I saw every pregnancy and baby as a victory over all of the horrible things that can go wrong. Most of us here are struggling with pregnancy and babies for years afterwards, especially because of unwanted pg or complaining mothers and that kind of stuff... cuts like a knife, kwim? (((Hugs)))