I really don't know how to deal with this. In January it was found that at 8 weeks pregnant I had a blighted ovum. It was my first miscarriage. Though I was upset, I didn't feel horrible. I already have a son so I told myself it was fluke that I would try again and everything would be okay. I think telling that to myself helped me get through the miscarriage.
I got pregnant after my first period following my d&c. For me, it couldn't have worked out any more perfectly. Having a November baby worked really well with my work schedule, I was going to stop working after summer, spend a few months at home with my son and take it easy until the new baby got here. Also, my birthday is in November and I've always secretly wanted a November baby. I suppose I was naive in thinking there was no way I would have two miscarriages in a row so close together.
I was nervous at first but saw the heartbeat very early on and that gave me a lot of comfort. We also saw a large sch that my doctor said she would follow throughout my pregnancy. The following week the sch was "gone" and I was told I could take my trip to NY. I flew with my 21 month old son and my husband decided to stay home so that he could save his vacation time for when the new baby comes. I was with family the monday after Easter at the Bronx Zoo, walking around, carrying my son, having a great time and I started gushing blood. I went to the hospital and they said the sch was huge but the baby was fine. I got to listen to the heartbeat and I immediately felt a thousand times better. I flew back home Wednesday, my dad flew back with me so that I didn't have to carry my son. I felt horrible that he was literally flying to Fl to drop me off and return back to NY the following day, but he told me he wanted to do it to keep me and the baby I was carrying safe.
On the airplane I began to pass giant clots, I didn't have any pain so I assumed I was bleeding out the clot. Thursday morning I went to the ob to tell her what happened we did an u/s and no heartbeat was to be found, the baby measured perfect to the day, they told me the baby must have died a few hours prior to me coming in. The clot had taken up so much of my uterus it had caused my entire uterus to shed and land on the little fetus. I had a d&c the same day because I was passing so many clots and soaking a pad in 20 minutes. I woke up from the d&c hysterically crying in pain, my prior d&c had caused me no physical pain.
The remains have been sent to pathology and I'll get those results in 2 weeks. The ob will also be performing blood tests on me to see if I have any clotting issues that can be causing the miscarriages. Now, I know many women have had more traumatic miscarriages, later term miscarriages, more frequent miscarriages and my heart goes out to them, but I just don't know how they handle it, or how I should deal. I want another baby so badly, I really wanted my son to have a sibling close in age to him. But, I am so terrified to get pregnant and miscarry again. I'm scared of the d&c's but if I miscarry I need to have one because I have a heart shaped uterus and my uterus doesn't contract properly, causing the remains to stay inside. I'm scared of getting my hopes up to be crushed again. This was such a roller coaster of a pregnancy, I don't know if I can handle that again. I plan on waiting at least 3 months this time and I'll wait more if I feel I need it, but I want my baby now. I want my August baby, I want my November baby.