Terrified of miscarrying again, but I want another baby so bad.

**ljh1126** · 04-15-2012, 01:36 AM

I really don't know how to deal with this. In January it was found that at 8 weeks pregnant I had a blighted ovum. It was my first miscarriage. Though I was upset, I didn't feel horrible. I already have a son so I told myself it was fluke that I would try again and everything would be okay. I think telling that to myself helped me get through the miscarriage.

I got pregnant after my first period following my d&c. For me, it couldn't have worked out any more perfectly. Having a November baby worked really well with my work schedule, I was going to stop working after summer, spend a few months at home with my son and take it easy until the new baby got here. Also, my birthday is in November and I've always secretly wanted a November baby. I suppose I was naive in thinking there was no way I would have two miscarriages in a row so close together.

I was nervous at first but saw the heartbeat very early on and that gave me a lot of comfort. We also saw a large sch that my doctor said she would follow throughout my pregnancy. The following week the sch was "gone" and I was told I could take my trip to NY. I flew with my 21 month old son and my husband decided to stay home so that he could save his vacation time for when the new baby comes. I was with family the monday after Easter at the Bronx Zoo, walking around, carrying my son, having a great time and I started gushing blood. I went to the hospital and they said the sch was huge but the baby was fine. I got to listen to the heartbeat and I immediately felt a thousand times better. I flew back home Wednesday, my dad flew back with me so that I didn't have to carry my son. I felt horrible that he was literally flying to Fl to drop me off and return back to NY the following day, but he told me he wanted to do it to keep me and the baby I was carrying safe.

On the airplane I began to pass giant clots, I didn't have any pain so I assumed I was bleeding out the clot. Thursday morning I went to the ob to tell her what happened we did an u/s and no heartbeat was to be found, the baby measured perfect to the day, they told me the baby must have died a few hours prior to me coming in. The clot had taken up so much of my uterus it had caused my entire uterus to shed and land on the little fetus. I had a d&c the same day because I was passing so many clots and soaking a pad in 20 minutes. I woke up from the d&c hysterically crying in pain, my prior d&c had caused me no physical pain.

The remains have been sent to pathology and I'll get those results in 2 weeks. The ob will also be performing blood tests on me to see if I have any clotting issues that can be causing the miscarriages. Now, I know many women have had more traumatic miscarriages, later term miscarriages, more frequent miscarriages and my heart goes out to them, but I just don't know how they handle it, or how I should deal. I want another baby so badly, I really wanted my son to have a sibling close in age to him. But, I am so terrified to get pregnant and miscarry again. I'm scared of the d&c's but if I miscarry I need to have one because I have a heart shaped uterus and my uterus doesn't contract properly, causing the remains to stay inside. I'm scared of getting my hopes up to be crushed again. This was such a roller coaster of a pregnancy, I don't know if I can handle that again. I plan on waiting at least 3 months this time and I'll wait more if I feel I need it, but I want my baby now. I want my August baby, I want my November baby.

**defygravity** · 04-15-2012, 02:31 AM

Lindsay, I'm really sorry for your losses. My heart hurts for you. I hope you get some answers from the pathology report and blood tests. I underwent the Recurrent Loss Panel because of family history, it's no fun but it's one of those things that is good to know. There are medications to treat many of the clotting disorders, and with treatment pregnancies can be successful.

When you say your uterus is heart-shaped, do you have a Mullerian abnormality? Like a bicornuate or septate uterus?

**xredskyx** · 04-15-2012, 10:58 AM

So sorry Lindsay, hopefully the break will bring you some peace and answers.

**DiamondInTheRough** · 04-15-2012, 01:39 PM

I'm so sorry for your losses. If you have a bicornuate uterus, I think you should look into getting it repaired before conceiving again. I see that you were able to carry your first to term, thankfully. But with a septum, depending on where the baby implants (blood supply), you could be running into trouble.

**defygravity** · 04-15-2012, 11:27 PM

Originally Posted by DiamondInTheRough

I'm so sorry for your losses. If you have a bicornuate uterus, I think you should look into getting it repaired before conceiving again. I see that you were able to carry your first to term, thankfully. But with a septum, depending on where the baby implants (blood supply), you could be running into trouble.

I was going this way, I had a septum removed last fall. If the tissue in the center is avascular, it'll cause blood supply issues. If, however, the tissue does have a blood supply (slight chance but it does happen) it shouldn't be too much of an issue. The RLP should give some answers too.

**DiamondInTheRough** · 04-15-2012, 11:52 PM

Originally Posted by defygravity

I was going this way, I had a septum removed last fall. If the tissue in the center is avascular, it'll cause blood supply issues. If, however, the tissue does have a blood supply (slight chance but it does happen) it shouldn't be too much of an issue. The RLP should give some answers too.

Yes, you're right. The OP should have some imaging done first to determine what kind. If it's the lesser, she should be fine. She's already demonstrated that she can carry full-term, so at least physically, the septum isn't a big deal. I guess it comes down to implantation, if it's in fact a supply issue. I had my septum ressected after losing my first pg. My bicornuate was quite severe though, I had tissue that extended all the way to my cervix.

**ljh1126** · 04-16-2012, 12:28 AM

I haven't had imaging done yet, but you both are right and I will. It was discovered during my c section with my son. So far, all of my pregnancies have implanted further down so the shape hasn't been an issue. It is bicornuate that I know. The issue with my shape is that my uterus cannot contract properly. When I was induced with my son, one side would contract, then the other. With my first miscarriage I used miso and even though it caused me to bleed uterus couldn't expel everything so I needed the d&c. I guess I was just spoiled with my pregnancy with my son and now that I am overwhelmed by all the issues (possible clotting, uterine abnormality, pcos.)

**DiamondInTheRough** · 04-16-2012, 12:48 AM

Lindsay, I'm so sorry, I know how overwhelming it can be. I still remember so vividly when I got the call that mine was repairable. You are so truly blessed to have your son. Loving on him will make this so much easier than if you were still ttc #1, take my word for it.

My uterus was a mess when I lost my baby as well. I was able to deliver him vaginally w/o contractions since my water broke and he nearly came out with it at home. But my placenta would not come no matter what. I was given pitocin and went into the most painful labour, and it still wouldn't deliver. Eventually I had lost so much blood that I had to be rushed into the OR where I continued to hemorrhage. It's a wonder they saved my uterus at all. Thankfully I healed and after having my septum repaired, was able to carry two kids to term. As you can see by my siggy though, IC was an issue, and I have to warn you that it could be for you as well when you get to that point.

I know I haven't painted a very pleasant picture for you here. Unfortunately there isn't much that is pretty about the loss forum.

I just want to point out however, that if this is the reason for your losses, you have options, and a happy ending is definitely on the list.

**jc-** · 04-16-2012, 01:25 PM

Lindsay, I am really sorry for your losses, my heart goes out to you. I experienced almost the same scenario as you. I miscarried in January and had a natural M/C. 3 weeks later I was prego again and naturally m/c'd again. Both were about 7 weeks. I am a Nov. baby too and was excited because my baby had the same EDD as my B-day. There were really no words that people would say that took away the pain. I cried a lot and found myself feeling down. Time was the real healer. Gradually I started to accept things and move on, hoping I could conceive again and carry it to term. My cycle is all messed up now and I haven't O'd or had AF since my last m/c. I took the time to go out and have some fun with my friends and keep my time and hands full. I wish the best for you and your husband.

**jmkgoose** · 04-17-2012, 12:54 PM

I'm so so very sorry for your losses. Sending you strength and hugs and support!

**AnotherDreamer** · 04-18-2012, 12:42 AM

So very sorry for your losses (*hugs*)

I've had three miscarriages, and later discovered I had a uterine septum and some minor clotting disorders. We had surgery for the septum, and I have to take low-dose aspirin for the clotting issues, as well as Lovenox injections during pregnancy. I did end up with a SCH during my pregnancy with my son, which lasted (with bleeding) until around 18wks. I was told that women with infertility, suffer recurrent miscarriages, or have clotting issues are at higher risk for them. In most cases, the SCH resolves and everything is alright. I'm sorry that wasn't the case for you though, I know it must have been hard. Definitely push for testing of clotting disorders, and make sure they have a proper diagnosis of Bicornate versus Septate. It's very painful to go through recurrent miscarriages, and making the decision to try again is very difficult. Wishing you strength on your journey.

**ejcelli** · 04-27-2012, 01:03 AM

I'm so sorry for your losses. I would recommend being checked for Asherman's syndrome when you are ready to TTC again.

**EclecticBlue** · 05-23-2012, 06:56 PM

I don't know if this is helpful for you, but your story sounds similar to mine. I have a 2-1/2 month old son who I had no trouble conceiving or carrying to term, and then had two miscarriages last year... The first one at 5 weeks and happened naturally, and in the second my baby died at about 9 weeks and we didn't find out until my 12-week appointment, so I had to have a D&C. I remember vividly walking back from the hospital (for an ultrasound) to the midwife office (on the same property) and telling my husband that I would never be happy again--and this memory is still making me cry now. For months, I was devastated. I wanted to quit my job so I could try to figure out how to be happy again and enjoy the things I used to, and then my doctor put me on Zoloft. It gave me the strength to continue with life, and to want to try again. I still have moments where I swear it's still 2011, because part of me is "stuck" last year, but now that I'm pregnant again and being monitored and on progesterone to help keep this one... (I got a blood test the day I got my BFP, and my progesterone was low) I feel a little better. I feel like life can go on, and maybe now is the right time. My son will be almost 3-1/2 when he becomes an older brother, but I can't change that. This way, he'll be more helpful fetching diapers, right? :-) I'm so sorry that this is happening to you too, and I hope that you get your answers and your comfort--and don't be afraid to turn to medication. It really helped me.

**Tonia** · 07-04-2012, 04:52 AM

I was reading your story and all of my sad memories cames flying back! our story is almost the same. I was pregnant and lost it at 18weeks, that was on 25 May. That was a serious roller-coaster pregnancy. At 7 weeks i started bleeding and had massive cloths. we rushed to the gynie and he did an ultrasound which confirmed the baby's heart beat and he ordered blood tests. The following day he called to confirm that all is fine including preggie hormonal levels. I was then up and about.

at 9 weeks while i was at work, blood started again and we rushed back to the gynie and i was put on bedrest. All was normal again. A week later,because i have a short cervic a stich was inserted. Then we went off on a happy family vacation with our then 17months baby and my 13 year old step-daughter. I thoroughly enjoyed the vacation after the two episodes we had.

At 12 weeks i went in to take down syndrome blood test as i am 39years. They came positive for trisomy 18-something i never heard of!! i was devastated, i wanted my October baby and in my mind everything was normal, i was going to have my October baby. I was completely shattered when the gynie asked to see me to give me completely break down of the results.

My husband was out of town and my mother went with to the gynie and he referred me to another Dr to do an amnio tests which came positive. My stitch was removed and i immediately went into labour, i miscarried a baby girl.
i am also soo terrified because i have had two miscarriages because of an incompetent cervic then i had a normal pregnancy. My normal pregnancy gave me hope that my miscarrying episodes are over and when this happened, i am left feeling extremely sad and unable to decide if i should try again as i will be 40 years by then!
i also want my 20months baby to have a sibling, they were going to be born a week apart! we used to discuss how we will handle their birthdays as they will be exactly 24 months apart.

my pain is immeasurable!
i am sure somehow i will find peace and move on but how is that possible after 3 MISCARRIAGES

Originally Posted by ljh1126

I really don't know how to deal with this. In January it was found that at 8 weeks pregnant I had a blighted ovum. It was my first miscarriage. Though I was upset, I didn't feel horrible. I already have a son so I told myself it was fluke that I would try again and everything would be okay. I think telling that to myself helped me get through the miscarriage.

I got pregnant after my first period following my d&c. For me, it couldn't have worked out any more perfectly. Having a November baby worked really well with my work schedule, I was going to stop working after summer, spend a few months at home with my son and take it easy until the new baby got here. Also, my birthday is in November and I've always secretly wanted a November baby. I suppose I was naive in thinking there was no way I would have two miscarriages in a row so close together.

I was nervous at first but saw the heartbeat very early on and that gave me a lot of comfort. We also saw a large sch that my doctor said she would follow throughout my pregnancy. The following week the sch was "gone" and I was told I could take my trip to NY. I flew with my 21 month old son and my husband decided to stay home so that he could save his vacation time for when the new baby comes. I was with family the monday after Easter at the Bronx Zoo, walking around, carrying my son, having a great time and I started gushing blood. I went to the hospital and they said the sch was huge but the baby was fine. I got to listen to the heartbeat and I immediately felt a thousand times better. I flew back home Wednesday, my dad flew back with me so that I didn't have to carry my son. I felt horrible that he was literally flying to Fl to drop me off and return back to NY the following day, but he told me he wanted to do it to keep me and the baby I was carrying safe.

On the airplane I began to pass giant clots, I didn't have any pain so I assumed I was bleeding out the clot. Thursday morning I went to the ob to tell her what happened we did an u/s and no heartbeat was to be found, the baby measured perfect to the day, they told me the baby must have died a few hours prior to me coming in. The clot had taken up so much of my uterus it had caused my entire uterus to shed and land on the little fetus. I had a d&c the same day because I was passing so many clots and soaking a pad in 20 minutes. I woke up from the d&c hysterically crying in pain, my prior d&c had caused me no physical pain.

The remains have been sent to pathology and I'll get those results in 2 weeks. The ob will also be performing blood tests on me to see if I have any clotting issues that can be causing the miscarriages. Now, I know many women have had more traumatic miscarriages, later term miscarriages, more frequent miscarriages and my heart goes out to them, but I just don't know how they handle it, or how I should deal. I want another baby so badly, I really wanted my son to have a sibling close in age to him. But, I am so terrified to get pregnant and miscarry again. I'm scared of the d&c's but if I miscarry I need to have one because I have a heart shaped uterus and my uterus doesn't contract properly, causing the remains to stay inside. I'm scared of getting my hopes up to be crushed again. This was such a roller coaster of a pregnancy, I don't know if I can handle that again. I plan on waiting at least 3 months this time and I'll wait more if I feel I need it, but I want my baby now. I want my August baby, I want my November baby.

**Jac** · 07-06-2012, 03:25 PM

I can relate. I'm currently miscarrying for the 3rd time this year. The first time it happened I thought it was just bad luck (I also have a son). Then it happened again and I figured something must be wrong, but was hopeful it was just another fluke. And here I am, miscarrying #3. When I found out I was pregnant this last time it wasn't even exciting, like pregnancy doesn't even mean anything since nothing usually comes of it.

I had some bloodwork done today so hopefully I'll get to the bottom of it. The OBGYN I saw yesterday said that since I already have a son, we'll probably never find out why this is happening and it could just be bad luck. I'm hoping to see an RE in the near future.