husband won't allow adoption

[Apple Blossom]

As far as him lying about his issues below the belt... you should ask yourself, would it have made a difference if you would have known? If it would have, then honestly you didn't love him to begin with. Love for a spouse shouldn't be dependent on their ability to have children. However, that doesn't mean that he doesn't need to seek medical help. He does need to do this for you and for himself. At the very least to help with the ED. That is not being unreasonable at all to ask him to do. He needs to get over his pride and go in.

For me, a love for a spouse should NOT be dependent on their ability to CONCEIVE children. But Maljado's husband was not honest before marriage about his fertility issues, and if he had told her then what he's told her now, "If we can't have a child naturally he doesn't want one at all." Then she could have done the deep soul searching and decided if she wanted a life without children for a life with him. She knew that PCOS would make conceiving a child more difficult and was completely honest with him about her desire to have children and adopt. I think it's wrong to say that if she knew then, what she knows now, and decided not to marry him, then she didn't love him in the first place.

For me, I knew I had a life's calling to be a mother. So I searched and found, a partner who had the same calling to be a parent, to have children, to create a family. If I was dating someone who said he did not want children, I would not consider marrying him even if I LOVED him. When I met my amazing DH he shared with me that as a child he had an undescended testicle which atrophied (it does not function). I married my husband because he expressed a desire to have children, and an openness to seek treatment to have our own children. We also discussed adoption. Just because you LOVE someone does not mean you should marry them and commit to a life with them. You should have the same goals in life for your family as your spouse does.

[PetiteFlower]

Reconsider why you are in the marriage in the first place. Will you still want to be there when you have a cranky baby and both of you are suffering from sleep deprivation? Be sure before you go through all of this to have a baby. Babies don't save marriages.

THIS part is really good advice though. Want the man before you want the baby....otherwise, get a divorce and TTC solo with donor sperm, or do a single parent adoption.

[maljado]

I have been with my dh for the past six years (married for almost three years now) and as have been extremely supportive of him. I've never made him feel ashamed for what's going on and have been encouraging him to see his dr. for the past few years and give a SA. He's backed out on this several times, but hopefully one day he'll be able to. There does come a time when you need to step up to the plate and get your health issues checked out though. No, babies do not save marriages. What does save a marriage is love, communication, trust, and honesty. I've loved my dh long before we wanted to start a family and I do not want to be a single woman using a sperm donor. Nothing wrong with that, it's just not my choice. It was hurtful that he kept some of his issues from me because I believe when you're in a relationship you should be totally honest with each other. He was afraid I might not want to be with him if I knew. If I had known we would have had a heart to heart about what our life goals are involving children. I came to this board to find out if anyone else was going through a similar situation (pcos and male factor infertility) or dh's who were reluctant to give a SA. I know very few people who are experiencing male and female infertility issues. My love for my dh is NOT dependent on whether or not we can have a child. My issue is that we talked it over before marriage, with me being honest about having pcos, and we agreed that adoption would be our route to go if we couldn't conceive naturally. We both agreed to this, yet after marriage he's changed his mind. To me it's so wrong to do this to someone. It's almost saying it's his way or no way. There is no compromise in that. Basically if we can't conceive I have to learn to live a childless life. That's not the end of the world, but it's a heartbreaking decision for me to accept. I think a few people who responded have gotten the wrong message from me, I am not putting a baby before loving my dh. We are both ready to start a family. Like many people experiencing infertility, we'd be thrilled to be a sleep deprived couple caring for a cranky baby. My marriage besides the infertility issues is a good one. He just has to get over his embarassment and find out what's causing his ED and delayed ejaculation. Living in a sexless marriage is not a walk in the park, especially when it's been years because of medical issues. It's tough to see my dh cry because he wants to be intimate, but knows that many times he just can't. He's admitted to me that his issues started back when he was in his early to mid 20's (he's 38 now). Hopefully our RE appointment will help us out because I feel like his urologist wasn't very helpful (other than diagnosing his two medical issues).

[stirlingk]

I think you sound perfectly rational and you expectations are not crazy either. He made a choice to say he was ok with adopion. Then made another choice when he changed his mind. You do deserve an explanation - one way or another.

[maljado]

Thanks Stirling, this has been really tough on the both of us and I'm hoping we can work it out.

[stirlingk]

I hope you guys can work it out too, I wish you both the best.

[Apple Blossom]

Hopefully our RE appointment will help us out because I feel like his urologist wasn't very helpful (other than diagnosing his two medical issues).

Thank you for sharing more details about how you're doing. We're all hoping the best for you!

Our appointment with the RE was much more helpful for us, than DH's urology appointment. I think the urologist is all about diagnosing problems, but the RE should be able to discuss infertility solutions. I think you should also ask your RE if they have a recommendation for a Infertility Counselor. My center in CA had an outside resource to refer, but our center here has an in-house counselor who offers group, couple, and individual counseling. Good luck at your appointment next month!

[HonestSagittarius]

I'm very sorry, this must be devastating for you. You sound like a lovely person, and I'm sorry your DH lied to you about his issues and is now changing the game about adoption. I have really very little tolerance for men who won't go see someone for their issues involving their reproductive organs. Sure, it may be embarassing, but at what point is getting an answer to his issues, having a healthy sex life, and ttc *as he promised*, not more important than some temporary discomfort in talking with a specialist? It wasn't exactly easy showing a Dr my beard and detailing my cycles and other issues that led to my pcos dx, but I decided living in shame about it wasn't getting me what I wanted either. This would not fly with me and I absolutely would divorce someone over this issue if they refused help. He wasn't truthful with you, and now won't get help. He started the marriage off on that foot, and I can't see this leading to anything other than more anger, frustration, and resentment if he doesn't get help.

[maljado]

Thank you Honest Sagittarius! We have our first RE appointment on January 24th so I'm really hoping we can work past our issues. We talked about this again recently and he doesn't want to give up on having a child, but still not through adoption. I just don't get why he can't realize that being a loving parent has nothing to do with biology. I suppose I'm depressed and feel like it's not going to happen for us naturally so that's why I held out hope for adoption. You're right about starting this marriage on the wrong foot and if he should back out of going, refuse giving a SA, etc. it isn't going to go over very well with me. He says it's embarrasing, but he needs to grow up and get his reproductive health checked out. I know it was a big weight off my shoulders when I got my pcos diagnosis. Maybe if he hears the importance from an RE it will change his mind. I will keep all of you updated on how it goes.

[TheWildOne1]

He says it's embarrasing, but he needs to grow up and get his reproductive health checked out.

It may be embarrassing but no less so for you to be diagnosed with PCOS. I had to have a pelvic ultrasound and that's not comfortable at all and if you had to do the same, you understand what I mean. Lying to you about something that is so important to you was a betrayal of your trust and then for him to decide he won't adopt after promising it was option...strike 2. It's up to you if you can trust him again and work through this but in my eyes, he has a long way to go to make this right with you. I wouldn't leave my husband for his inability to have kids even though it's important to me but I don't know if I could stay with him if he lied to me and then refused to even try to repair his reproductive health. I wish you the best of luck in your hopes to conceive and with your marriage!

[Apple Blossom]

We have our first RE appointment on January 24th so I'm really hoping we can work past our issues. . . I will keep all of you updated on how it goes.

Hi Maljado, How did your RE appointment go?

[maljado]

Sorry my update didn't come sooner! We did go to the RE on the 24th and we both had blood work done. We're still waiting on those results. The RE did stress that he would need to give a SA and depending upon the results we could talk about what step to take next. He still hasn't given the SA. I feel like everything is pending upon this...dh's sexual health/sex life, my sex life, the possibility of children/no children (adoption is still out of the picture), or any other possible complications. I have to call back when my period starts to set up an appt for an HSG. We couldn't really talk about any options until he provides the SA or has it extracted. He said he wants to provide the cup sample.

TheWildOne1 thank you for your response. I agree that it's going to take some time to learn how to trust him. If it should turn out that he doesn't give a SA then I don't see things working out well. I'm truly hope that he will give it though. I just don't know how much longer to wait because I don't want to make him feel insecure, but at the same time I've been waiting years for him to do this and now I'm 31 years old and feel like it's about time.

[WithFingersCrossed]

Malijado,

My heart goes out to you. Infertility is such a difficult journey, even when you are both on the same page. For us, there have been times where it has taken a while for DH to catch up, but in the end we ended up on the same page. The lag time was incredibly frustrating though - for both of us. My hope for you is that you and DH are able to find common ground soon. It may be worth while to consider counseling, both as a couple and individually. It may not only help you find common ground, but it may help your DH with his ED and delayed ejaculation problems. There are therapists who specialize in treating people going through infertility. Regardless of the route(s) you take in the future, I hope things work out for you. Please keep us posted.

[Apple Blossom]

Hi Maljado, I don't know how I missed your update! It sounds like a great first step that your DH attended the appointment with you and said he would try to provide the SA sample. I agree with WithFingersCrossed, that seeing a fertility counselor might be a great next step, and really help your DH provide the sample. Have you gone in for your HSG? Keep moving forward with all your diagnostic testing so that you can get the clearest picture of your fertility health, and hopefully your DH will follow suit.

[etuc]

Wow, this makes me feel so sad for your situation! Please get counseling to help you two try to work things out, it sounds like he does not realize how important children are to you!


My ex knew "it would take a miracle and medical intervention or adoption" (that's what a DR told me years before I got DXd with PCOS) well before we got married, he knew I wanted kids no matter what and acted like he did too, 3 years into our marriage and about 12 years into our relationship the truth came out, he never wanted kids, ours or any adopted children, he confessed he hated kids, I was floored. He figured that eventually I (or he) would change my mind. I was furious that I wasted so much of my life with him. I started planning a divorce (not only had he lied about wanting kids he had become extremely emotionally abusive) but then he had a heart attack, suffered brain damage and I took care of him for 7 more years before I finally got us both counseling and learned that I had every right to try to find happiness. I finally divorced him when I was almost 40. Looking back I understand why he never wanted kids, his parents didn't want him and he was shuttled around and used as a pawn during their divorce, but mostly raised by his grandmother who never wanted kids. Eventually after our divorce we were able to be friends again and he confessed that he felt terrible for wasting my childbearing years.

Then I fell in love with an old friend of mine and got married, we tried to conceive naturally (I know ever hopeful) but then we decided TOGETHER to give up the dream of having kids because we were getting pretty old for it. We also decided not to adopt because it is harder for older people to adopt. I'm now 49 and very happy (thanks counseling) even though I don't have any kids, I try to focus on the positives of not having them, I know that sounds terrible on a board full of women who want kids, but it helps keep me sane.

I'm telling you this because some people aren't completely honest when they get married, I'm not saying your DH hates kids or doesn't want them, just saying often people aren't really on the same page, maybe he doesn't realize how important they are to you, maybe he is paralyzed by fear due to his medical problems? I often wonder if I would have stayed with the ex even though he lied about wanting kids if he hadn't been so emotionally abusive, I might have decided to stay. Hope that makes some sense. I'm not saying divorce is the answer, I think the answer can often be found through counseling.

Best of luck to you!