Results 1 to 13 of 13
  1. #1
    Yay! BFP! jane29's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    468
    Thanks
    128
    Thanked 59 Times in 50 Posts

    Default infertility driving me insane and depressed!

    Hey all!

    Just sat in my kitchen at about half past midnight feeling depressed and mulling things over!

    Over the past few weeks I have been feeling a mixture of emotions from high to low and I feel a bit all over the place to be honest.

    I have been trying to conceive for over a year now, I started my second year from September. I was diagnosed with PCOS this year.

    Since then I have tried cycles of Clomid unsuccessfully with only one follicle and one ovulation in about 4/5 tries. This time I was on 75iu of Fostimon injections. I feel really deflated as the Fostimon didn't seem to be doing much, it took 16 daily injections to get 2 follicles of sizes 11mm and 10.5mm. I then had a holiday abroad booked which got in the way of the cycle so the rest of it was a guessing game with me taking 3 more injections away, a trigger and a booster shot. I am pretty confident that the follicles wouldn't have grown to maturity and therefore I probably ended up triggering too early and wasting the cycle.

    I never thought it would take so long to grow the follicles on the injectables and therefore didn't think that the holiday would have got in the way. I was convinced that I would have grown mature follies by that time. I'm pretty depressed that i wasted all that money for nothing.

    Anyway as i have no idea whether I actually triggered mature follicles or not I have now been testing for any miraculous pregnancy positives. I have become a bit obsessed with testing and ended up testing the trigger shots out. I had positives all the way up to 5 days past the booster shot and the 6th day, today (or yesterday as its now past midnight) was negative.

    Anyway i'm a bit annoyed with the way that i've become with all this malarky..sullen, depressed, obsessive, not wanting to see anyone as they all seem to have kids, not being able to sleep properly etc. I feel like i've been cursed with the PCOS affliction and I feel like I have bad luck all the time. I'm annoyed i've left it so long to start trying for a baby (i'm 30 in December). I feel like I have no money because I have to spend it all on my fertility treatment. I'm pretty upset that the clomid and the injects don't seem to have grown any decent follicles.

    I'm just having a bad time of it all really and thought i'd share my depressive episode with you.

    Apologies, Maybe i'll feel more positive tomorrow!

    Night all! x

  2. #2
    Registered User Shantess's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Ottawa, ON
    Posts
    1,056
    Thanks
    276
    Thanked 336 Times in 269 Posts

    Default

    Hang in there, Jane. This is a hard journey and you're entitled to your feelings. I have in the past felt the same way. When we were ttc and I was going through the neverending tests before even starting meds, it made me a bit insane...was all I could think about. In retrospect, I wish I had had something else to focus my mind on, something positive, something I felt I had some control over...not sure if there's anything like that in your life that you could try and undertake but it might help. Best of luck!
    Me (33) Hidden Content DH (36) Married April 2011
    - TTC since July 2011
    - Dx PCOS (anovulatory, thin cyster) June 2012.
    - 4/12/12: Clomid 50 mg cd3-7. O'd cd18!! Short LP. BFN Hidden Content
    - 4/1/13: Clomid 50 mg cd3-7. O'd cd17!!! BFP!! EDD Oct. 8, 2013. TEAM PINK!!!
    Hidden Content
    - 13/10/13: DD born happy & healthy Hidden Content

  3. #3
    SAHM 2 1...ready for 2! calches's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    DFW
    Posts
    2,825
    Thanks
    368
    Thanked 179 Times in 153 Posts
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default

    I completely understand where you are at!!!! I am there now! After this m/c I will be back at square one...we have a consult with a new dr. and honestly I am depressed...the world sees happy go lucky me...but inside I need something to change. I am so unhappy with my life right now...IDK...TTC is such a toll on every aspect of out lives that in the moment it completely sucks!!! I know we will all become mom and until we get there I know for me atleast this board has been very therapeutic..the friends I have made mean the world to me!!! I hope that you get your (albeit miraculous?) BFP this cycle!!! And I hope that next month I'll be right behind you
    Me: 32/DH: 35
    DS1: 6 my adoption miracle
    DS2: Weston 6/24/14 lived for 2 hours
    DS3: Wylee 6/24-7/3/14 his little heart was just too small
    DX w/IC and will have to have TVC with any pregnancies in the future.

    My heart is broken. I have 2 babies in heaven. They were perfect my own body just couldn't keep them in.
    TTC 1/15 current: vitex, metformin, myo, vit c, fish oil & prenatals...and losing weight!!!!

  4. #4
    Registered User DavidesWife's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    2,514
    Thanks
    841
    Thanked 1,322 Times in 1,000 Posts
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default

    Hang in there! You aren't alone.

    You can fix this injects problem by starting at a higher dose and tapering back. The first 3-5 days of injects are the most important in terms of follicle growth--it's better to start strong and pull back rather than having to increase. PCOS causes the ovaries to take in low dose stim meds and sometimes it just causes lots of small follies to proliferate and it ends up being no good. Starting strong is better.

    Every month u learn more about ur body and u get better at figuring out what works.

    Hang in there! It took me 828 days to get a BFP and many ladies on here take longer. The most important thing, is that u keep at it with a good RE and move forward with treatments.

    Oh and a good therapist who specializes in infertility will help u learn how to shake those depressed feelings when u need to.

    Good luck!
    ME 32 : lean PCOS DH 35: low morph
    TTC #1 since July 2011, 5 failed IUIs, now IVF

    5 IUIs = 2 w/ clomid and 3 w/ gonal-f, 2 chemicals
    IVF #1 4/13 = Antagonist, ICSI + PGS, froze all 6
    FET#1 6/13, canceled too thin, OI FET#2 7/13 NONE survived thaw, lab error

    IVF #2 9/13 new RE, SET-BFP! 9 PGS Frosties
    Allegra Grace born 6.5.14 at 38w3d
    Hidden Content Hidden Content

  5. #5
    Registered User Kaylyn022's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    174
    Thanks
    134
    Thanked 96 Times in 66 Posts

    Default

    You are definitely not alone! For such a long time I was depressed and frustrated. I was diagnosed with PCOS and started treatments (monitored) and we saw a decent lining and follicle each time but never got pregnant. Finally, I decided to have surgery because we suspected endometriosis. Sure enough- I had stage 2. With 2 different infertility issues I felt doomed. After the surgery I had a 6cm cyst and couldn't believe it! Right after the surgery. I had bad experiences with doctors who just seemed like they had no clue how to treat me. Finally, I decided to do injects and that did the trick for me. I am not sure why your RE didn't suggest upping your dosage so you would respond better. That would be the next step in my opinion. Its a tough journey, no doubt. The reward will be so amazing just keep your mind on the end game and don't give up! There are great ladies on here who can relate and help you through it. I wish you all the luck and comfort. Take care!
    Me (31) DH (31) DS (4). TTC #2 since June 2011. DX PCOS 2011. HSG Normal. 2 rounds clomid BFN4 Femara 5mg cycles, 2 with IUI's BFN Feb Laproscopy removed stage 2 Endo, polyps, and cyst March BFN
    April-June unmedicated 6cm cyst BFN
    2 Follistim cycles- --really hoping for a miracle!
    BFP!! 1st beta 50, 2nd beta 142, 3rd beta 420!
    Beautiful baby boy born 4/3/2014

  6. #6
    Yay! BFP! jane29's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    468
    Thanks
    128
    Thanked 59 Times in 50 Posts

    Default

    Thanks everyone. I'm a bit annoyed that my doc wont up my dosage too he's so over cautious it annoys me. As i'm on 75 iu i'm thinking of being rebellious and next time Just injecting 2 of the 75 iu for the first few nights instead of the one dose of it so effectively doubling the dosage, as I usually buy it in 14 vials. The nurses also annoy me at the clinic I feel that they don't give me my moneys worth with the scans and never tell me anything. If I email her asking her for more information, follicle sizes etc. she sends me a mardy email back basically telling me to stop asking questions and book an appointment with the doctor. How rude is that!?? I pay for a scan and they don't tell me anything! Its all well and good telling me I have to ask the doctor it costs me a load of money to ask him anything all I want to know are basic things!

    If i can't afford to do injects next time around can i please ask you ladies some advice re Clomid? Basically I only O'd once on Clomid which was the 100mg round and it was just one follicle. So do i try Clomid again but this time with metformin? and when and what dose do i take the metformin in if i do 150mg of it? OR do I try something different like Femara and what dosage do I take that in and for how many days? Do you take it with Metformin? Do you need a trigger shot?

    Your advice much appreciated. I'm wanting to know dosage and days etc as i'm thinking of buying it off the internet and doing it myself but i will book follicle tracking scans to make sure alls safe.

  7. #7
    Registered User DavidesWife's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    2,514
    Thanks
    841
    Thanked 1,322 Times in 1,000 Posts
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default

    Jane:
    Is there another clinic you can go to that may be more responsive?

    You could also consider a combo cycle where you do femara in tandem with the injects. It saves $$ on the injects. Clomid alone can really thin the lining. Do you know how thick your lining was at trigger?

    Bottom line, before you start another cycle, you need to meet with your RE and explain your frustration and make a plan with him going forward.
    ME 32 : lean PCOS DH 35: low morph
    TTC #1 since July 2011, 5 failed IUIs, now IVF

    5 IUIs = 2 w/ clomid and 3 w/ gonal-f, 2 chemicals
    IVF #1 4/13 = Antagonist, ICSI + PGS, froze all 6
    FET#1 6/13, canceled too thin, OI FET#2 7/13 NONE survived thaw, lab error

    IVF #2 9/13 new RE, SET-BFP! 9 PGS Frosties
    Allegra Grace born 6.5.14 at 38w3d
    Hidden Content Hidden Content

  8. #8
    Yay! BFP! jane29's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    468
    Thanks
    128
    Thanked 59 Times in 50 Posts

    Default

    Yeh i really like the idea of a combo cycle, this doc has never suggested it though i'm going to ask him when i make my next appointment. I am also meeting with an NHS doctor on Wednesday, I believe the NHS do Clomid and possibly ovarian drilling and if those don't work they bypass inject cycles and go straight to IVF. I'll know more when I speak with the lady doc on Weds.

    Well this early evening I started having light brownish spotting and i'm having hot feelings too. I'm guessing AF is coming! perhaps that was why i was feeling emotional last night!

    x

  9. #9
    Registered User LauraC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Galway, Ireland
    Posts
    314
    Thanks
    256
    Thanked 249 Times in 154 Posts

    Default

    you're not alone. I dont know much about the dosage of injects as havent gone down that road just yet. I also find it hard to deal with how this journey has made in into a person that im really not. Frustrations can build, resentment seeps in, emotions are running high with hormones.. but all of this makes things even harder to deal with.. you have to find an outlet (mine is exercise) and make peace with fact that its nobodys fault.. I have recently come to terms with the fact that this could be a long process yet (even though im already 4.5yrs in) so im making back up plans, making other plans for the future, starting counselling tomorrow and not pinning hopes on one individual cycle as long as i feel im moving forward and im getting closer. we all have to find our own way of getting through this and we will all have our bad days.. but we have to keep as positive and hopeful as possible and belive that it will one day happen xx
    Laura xx Me (31) Hubs (41) TTC 1 for 5.5 yrs
    09-12; all natural cycles 2012 : clomid & IUI. 3 x clomid & prog
    2013;
    10 x
    Femara, prog, BFN 2014: Feb inject & IUI, APR & AUG inject BFN. Sept IVF - 2 AA blasts 🙏❤️❤️ 1ST EVER BFP 7 oct Beta 10dp5dt 257, 2nd BETA 13dt5dt 901!!!
    Hidden Content

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to LauraC For This Useful Post:

    jane29 (10-08-2013)

  11. #10
    Registered User tjtaco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    19
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 5 Times in 1 Post

    Default

    I am crying with you ladies right now. I decided to sit this month out after the hormones from hell last month. Now I am crying because I am wasting time in this "journey". It does make me feel less alone knowing that feeling this way is fairly common and I am not losing my mind.
    Penny (34) Eddie (48)
    2012- 3 rounds of Clomid unmonitored= 3 BFNs
    Aug 2013 Round#1 Metformin (1500), Gonal-F (75/150), Lupron, Ovidrel, IUI 8/21, baby asprin, Crinone= BFN
    Sept 2013 Round #2 Metformin (1500), Gonal-F (150/225), Lupron, Ovidrel, IUI 9/19, baby asprin, Crinone= BFN
    Oct 2013 Need a break

  12. #11
    Registered User LauraC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Galway, Ireland
    Posts
    314
    Thanks
    256
    Thanked 249 Times in 154 Posts

    Default

    Do what feels right for you, but make peace with that then. At times I have backed away from this process for fear of putting everything In and getting nothing in return.. But now I live my life, do what I can to help the process along , take Meds and hope that it will go my way.. I also keep in mind, there is always the next cycle. Am I'm happier.. I've learned to be happy and enjoy my husband without kids just yet.. Not my first choice, but it is what it is and stressing just makes things worse. I Also do weekly acupuncture and listen to circle and bloom meditation each night.. You have you find your outlet x
    Laura xx Me (31) Hubs (41) TTC 1 for 5.5 yrs
    09-12; all natural cycles 2012 : clomid & IUI. 3 x clomid & prog
    2013;
    10 x
    Femara, prog, BFN 2014: Feb inject & IUI, APR & AUG inject BFN. Sept IVF - 2 AA blasts 🙏❤️❤️ 1ST EVER BFP 7 oct Beta 10dp5dt 257, 2nd BETA 13dt5dt 901!!!
    Hidden Content

  13. #12
    Registered User DavidesWife's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    2,514
    Thanks
    841
    Thanked 1,322 Times in 1,000 Posts
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by tjtaco View Post
    I am crying with you ladies right now. I decided to sit this month out after the hormones from hell last month. Now I am crying because I am wasting time in this "journey". It does make me feel less alone knowing that feeling this way is fairly common and I am not losing my mind.
    Take a break when you need it but honestly, at 34, you need to press ahead. If you are having trouble coping, it's better to get a therapist who specializes in infertility so you can press ahead. After 35, if you have to go to IVF, it really lowers your chances of success. So I wouldn't take too many breaks.

    After three failed injectible IUIs, you need to do IVF now while you have your best possible chances of success. Just don't do it without having karyotyping b/w and a full RPL blood panel.
    ME 32 : lean PCOS DH 35: low morph
    TTC #1 since July 2011, 5 failed IUIs, now IVF

    5 IUIs = 2 w/ clomid and 3 w/ gonal-f, 2 chemicals
    IVF #1 4/13 = Antagonist, ICSI + PGS, froze all 6
    FET#1 6/13, canceled too thin, OI FET#2 7/13 NONE survived thaw, lab error

    IVF #2 9/13 new RE, SET-BFP! 9 PGS Frosties
    Allegra Grace born 6.5.14 at 38w3d
    Hidden Content Hidden Content

  14. #13
    Registered User Tutifruti23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    7
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post

    Default

    good luck!

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •