i feel nothing

[PaulaMc]

i can't believe the person that i've become. what made me this way? why did i become this way? it's christmas. my favorite time of year, the time where everyone is happy and the colors are just amazing. but here i sit feeling nothing but complete and utter sadness and darkness. my marriage is hanging on a thin thread that is steadily unravelling. i am abussive. how can one person be this way? why must i hit him? why do i feel the need to throw things, break things? he tells me he will always love me no matter what. but he can't tell me if we'll always be together. i don't deserve that though. i deserve to feel nothing but darkness. i want to die more than anything. i want to succomb to the darkness. just to let go. i don't deserve to be here. or maybe i do? maybe i deserve to be punished every day for being such a bad person. good people don't rage...don't hit the ones they love...don't become violent. good people don't do that. he says that he loves me but i don't deserve that either. i deserve to be left alone, to have everyone hate and loathe me.
february, i have to hang on until then. that's when i can see the psychiatrist our insurance covers. it seems so far and so long away. i don't know if i can make it that long.

[am0rcita]

Call your local crisis hotline TODAY!! Talk to them about your feelings. They may be able to refer you to services that you can access before February.

You are worth it!!

[CelticSpirit]

I'm so sorry, hun. It sounds like you really need some help right away. I agree with calling a crisis hotline. Get yourself some help. You deserve to be happy.

BIG HUGS!

[amshum]

Oh Paula. Many ((HUGS)) honey. I am pretty sure I was where you are with my ex many years ago. There was a lot of really bad things going on in my life and my ex didn't support me... He was too busy trying to get my best friend since 3rd grade into the sack with us. My mother's health was failing and I was so afraid and lost and alone, despite the man sleeping next to me.

I felt like I was losing it. I raged, I hit my ex, I threw things, I just wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurting me. I went nuts on him one night and he had me pinned to the bed, and I looked him dead in the eye and told him he better sleep with one eye opened. Needless to say we're not together anymore (thank God), but it wasn't meant to be. I needed a man who would help me and work beside me and he wasn't that man.

You do need help sweetie. But I never had luck with shrinks or therapists. I don't know if you're a religious person or not, but what helped me was prayer. I had to turn it over to God. I am still working on myself day by day. I have been the route of meds and doctors, but nothing worked, in fact made it worse... I wanted to kill myself more when I was on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, etc more then when I was not.

If you ever want to talk, please message me. I'm pretty sure I know where you are in your thinking... And do not be afraid to call a helpline just to talk it out. Sometimes that helps.

((HUGS))

[anon2006]

Paula, many counselors work on a sliding fee scale (based on your income) for those without insurance.

I don't know where you are, but I did a search for sliding fee therapy in alabama, and easily found one whose fees start at $6.

http://www.oasiscounseling.org/ccenterindex.htm

You need to get help -- you shouldn't have to feel this way.

Big hug,
Mary

[disintegration]

Paula,

(((((((hugs)))))))

[strixca]

*hugs u to hun* things might not be the same, but treatment can be, i know counting to10 seems stupid, but it can work

or ice, which i use to control my panic attacks, hold a ice cube in ur hand, it hurts like hell and makes u feel different, in a way

sorry if i sound stupid

good luck

[CelticSpirit]

Another thing...

Look for women's groups in your area. Many of them have counselors (and a whole slew of other supports) who see clients for a much reduced fee. I did this many years ago. They also sometimes run support groups (which can be wonderful!)

Good luck to you sweetie...I wish that I could reach through the computer and hug you!

[amshum]

Originally posted by strixca
or ice, which i use to control my panic attacks, hold a ice cube in ur hand, it hurts like hell and makes u feel different, in a way

I have never heard of that before, but if I ever have another panic attack I'm going to try the ice trick. I suffered from severe panic attacks a couple of years ago. I hope I never have another one, but I'll keep this in mind, just in case.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed now I just try to get by myself, lay down and zone out. It needs to be dead quiet, no tv or music and as dark as I possibly can get it. Sometimes I cry until I feel better but most of the time just hugging up a pillow helps.

Boy don't I sound messed up! haha Anyways, Paula know you're not alone. And anytime you need us we're here. ((HUGS))

[*pEaNuT*]

I know how you feel. I fight off the same feelings everyday. ((((HUGS)))) Your in my thoughts!! PM me if you ever need to talk!!!!

[hopeless]

((hugs)) We're always here for you. So if you can't find someone in your area to talk with....come to one (or more!) of us, and we'll do whatever we can.

A couple years ago, I was very depressed...and angry. I'm generally not an angry person, but I was always on edge. I didn't express it physically, but I was verbally biting people's heads off left, right and center. Eventually it got to the point were 3 of my friends basically had an 'intervention' of sorts for me. I ended up on Wellbutrin, which I still take, but I also found out my testosterone was high. So, I'm not sure if that had anything to do with it...but it seems logical, somehow. Do you think anti-depressants might be helpful for you? Or do you think it's otherwise physically related? (ie. thyroid issues) Light therapy might be helpful if it's worse in the winter. Hm...

Well...other things I do to help me get through things: write it down! I bought a bound notebook, and swore I would not let anyone read it. I didn't want to unintentionally censor myself, in anticipation of someone reading it. So, I write down anything that's bothering me...and also things that make me feel good. I don't keep spiral bound books, because it's too easy to tear the pages out. With it bound, I have to keep it all...and it's good to look back on it and see how I've changed. Also, it's helped me notice patterns in how I think, or deal with things. I'm rambling a bit....bottom line: we all can act as your support system, and resource library for solutions or helpful tips. Please, take advantage of that!

[PaulaMc]

Thank you so much everyone! I've never been through anything like this. Everything that each of you said has helped. It's good to know that I can come here and find help as well.

It is such a dark time right now. No matter what happens, though, I have to try to stay positive. It's very hard. I am not going to kill myself. I couldn't do that to the people around me. It just seems so hard and too much of a struggle at times. My dh is hurting very badly and it tears me apart knowing I caused it. It has been over/around a year since I last hit him. That wasn't the first time, either. When it happened, he said if I ever did it again he would leave. I had been doing good, or so I thought. Then Sunday it happened again. I don't know why, but he said that he'd give us one more chance. I promised him that I would get help.

I do need help. I really understand that now. We live in a small area, though, and my options are limited. I'd have to drive 2+ hours for a larger city. I know that would be an option. I'm also going to call our insurance people to see if there is anyone else on the approved list.

It hurts so bad most of the time. Whenever we've fought before (just fought), we've been able to talk and be fine in a day or two. It is hard knowing this isn't going to go away and we aren't going to be fine tomorrow. I don't have any idea where my marriage is headed either. He is my world and I may have possibly just destroyed everything that was good.

[PaulaMc]

Well, I did it. I researched and found a place that accepts our insurance. I called...shaking and barely able to talk...and made an appointment. It is next Wednesday. Tomorrow my dh and I are going to do a test run to find the place. It is so scary! I know this is the best thing I can be doing. BUT it's so hard for me to open up and talk. I'm really hoping this will help me out.

[CelticSpirit]

I wish you the best of luck...

Sometimes the hardest part is reaching out for help.

Remember that we're all here for you, OK?

Big hugs!

[wombat woman]

How did the appointment go? I hope you're feeling better.

Karen.