How did you / do you cope?

[saluki_fan]

Ladies,

I am looking for things to say when the HealthWatch segment gets taped next week and have a few specific questions for you all:

a) Is there anything special that you do to cope?
b) Is there anything that anyone did to help you that specifically touched your heart?
c) Is there anything that anyone did to "help" that made things worse?

Thanks in advance!

Meghan

[aimye]

c) the one thing that people said to me after my loss was "at least you know you can get pregnant" and "it was just bad luck" I think those are the 2 worse things to say to someone afte a mc and after having ivf. I know they were trying to help, but come on.

[VivC]

a) Is there anything special that you do to cope?
I write letters to Rivi, and I talk to him sometimes.

b) Is there anything that anyone did to help you that specifically touched your heart?
One particular friend went out of her way to check on me every single week, even when I was pushing her away. She would call and just let me cry, and after several weeks, she's the one who dragged me out of the house (the evening sucked, but it was a first step towards re-entering the world).

c) Is there anything that anyone did to "help" that made things worse?
Just saying all of the stupid things we've all heard. "He's in a better place...At least you know you can get pregnant...Having another baby will make you feel better..."

[Gnzls924]

a) Is there anything special that you do to cope?

I have to keep telling myself that my child had a purpose. Although I do not understand what God was thinking when he destined this for me, I have to make it mean something...i.e. Walkamerica (Thanks Viv!)

I also remember Matthew by buying little/tiny things for him wherever I go, or is something special is going on. Eventually, I plan to store them in a memory chest for him.

I also come to the Soulcysters website for support from my dear friends (fellow cysters)...they know exactly what I am going through.

b) Is there anything that anyone did to help you that specifically touched your heart?

It touches my heart when they remember that Matthew existed. Keeping his memory alive is so important to me. I don't want anyone to forget him. I was extremely touched by the generosity of my family and friends for Walkamerica. They all made contributions in his memory.

c) Is there anything that anyone did to "help" that made things worse?

When they don't know my situation (ovarian cancer scare, pcos, antiphospholipid issues, etc.) and they tell me that i can get pregnant again...or basically ask what "the hold up is." Basically when people talk from ignorance and they don't realize how much of a miracle Matthew really was to us.

[Hjackson719]

Hey Meg-

a) I'm a big talker- so after each of my losses, DH and I had long conversations about IF and m/c. I really helped me work thru my feelings. I have other friends and family members that have passed on, so it brings me great comfort to know that my babies have many wonderful people looking out for them.

b) After each of my m/c, a good friend sent flowers. That touched me so much that someone else acknowledged that even though I had early losses, I still had something to mourn. Too many people make the assumption that b/c I lost my pregnancies early (roughly 8 weeks along each time), that I could just brush them off and move on immediately. It's not that simple and to have a friend acknowledge that meant the world to me.

c) I loved the fact that my family and friends called frequently to see how I was doing. However, some of their comments made me nuts. First off- saying that now we at least know I can get pregnant doesn't help anything. Secondly- if you ask me how I am and I say "ok"- leave it at that. Don't keep asking me "how I *really* am." I'll open up and talk to you when I'm ready and not a minute before.

Best of luck with your TV debut!

[Sherbear]

a) I ordered a custom ring to remember Jordan with. I also remember that he/she is in a better place, as hard as it is. It also brings me comfort to know that our little one was a miracle, since the doctors told me I would *never* get pg.

b) My coworker went out & bought me a Mother's Day card. That was the most wonderful thing. And my pastor's wife had 2 m/c and actually talked to me on the phone for 1/2 hour while it was
happening. She brought me a lot of comfort.

c) All of the above. The empty platitudes. Avoiding me like I have the plague, or like a m/c is contagious. Please!

[saluki_fan]

Thank you ladies! I hope it helps you all to talk about it here as well.

Keep the comments coming, everyone!

[SheriKCMO]

I've coped best by letting my heart feel every little thing that comes along without holding back. I also wouldn't have gotten through at all without my strong bond with my husband or the online and real life support groups (especially here). No one can do the work of grief for me, but friends and family can cushion the pain a little bit, especially those who understand.

Contributions in my child's honor are the most heartwarming gifts I can imagine, because I know that she had an impact on this world in a positive way.

About having a living child, I was told, "It'll happen when you least expect it." That was the least helpful sentiment I had from someone trying to help.

[ReneeBeth]

a) Is there anything special that you do to cope?
I try to remember that I am a mommy, and my boys are always with me. I think I'm not at that 'coping' phase yet, so I'm not too good at that.
b) Is there anything that anyone did to help you that specifically touched your heart?
Getting all those cards from my cysters was so wonderful. Also, someone here made a blankie for each of my boys and sent them, that was very touching. It's also nice to be reminded that I they *did* live, they weren't just some dream I had that never happened.
c) Is there anything that anyone did to "help" that made things worse?
The usual crap that people try to tell you to make you feel better. I think it pisses me off, more than it should, when people tell me god took them for a reason. I don't think there is any reason good enough for god to have taken them from me. Also, people around me telling me to "get over it" and move on with my life..yeah..worst thing ever.

[Sillie]

Saluki,

Even though I miscarried almost 20 years ago and haven't been able to get pg since....the best thing anyone ever said or did for me was right here on this board.

They told me that my babies were still my babies and they are waiting for me. I cried, and cried after I read that. When I mc all those years ago, no one talked about it. I miscarried twins in my 5th month....I needed to talk. I was silenced unitl March of this year when I found you girls. You helped me more than you can imagine.

[kwannabee]

I think for me the hardest thing to take were the comments that 'it was Gods plan'...or that God had different plans and that it "wasnt meant to be" i know it was meant in comfort but...THAT just made me mad at HIM..i'm not particularly reliegious but there is so much anger...at myself, my doctors...the world...everything...and to get past that i needed to feel they were at least in a better place...i had gone through the process of handing my babies back to Him to take care of...and then to end up thinking HE did this to me..well it was confusing and caused me alot of pain...i ended up having to forgive God...and that was hard!

One of my most touching moments was a friend who made a donation to our local childrens hospital in aimee and dana's name...so i got a thankyou card addressed to them...their name on the envelope. For me anyway, though a reminder they were gone...it was confirmation that someone besides me knew they were here on this earth...that they were here...they were somebody.

As far as coping...it goes without saying...my online support...connecting with people who made me feel less alone and less like i was the only one who was feeling the things i was feeling. Being able to share my most inner painful thoughts...to just spew out and let it go...and move forward guilt free...that still means alot!! But also my girls...they are as much a part of my life as any living soul in my home...i have pictures...i mentally talk to them each and every single day...i've made memories for them and shared my joy with them...even though they arent here...i rely on their guidance and protection and i firmly believe they watch over us ...and i know they send me signs. And letting go of my guilt at failing them...that was a big one. When i started ttc again i asked for their blessing...and my baby is due on their birth date...i know they had a hand in it. This all took a long time and is ongoing...but to look back now i cant believe how much time has passed. Having my dh share in the big milestones...but forgiving him for forgetting the little ones...it doesnt mean he doesnt care...but him the way he was at the beginning made a huge impact on my recovery...he was my rock.

Good luck meaghan...youre going to help alot of people!!

[SheriKCMO]

Boy, I'm really feeling weepy today!! Everyone's posts are making me cry. Thank you all so much for sharing. I know it will be hard to condense this, but some of the similar themes with a couple of personal stories might really drive the message home.


Sillie,
I am so glad you found us. It is impossible for me to imagine silence after such a terrible event in your life. Everyone should rush to your side to support you, and I guess you got that at last with us, because your twins matter here! Sometimes it takes a while to find our true "home".

Keep up the good stories, everybody. I think Meghan is going to have a lot to work with for the interview.

[Reebekah]

a) To cope, I do research on PL topics related to my loss...PTL, IC, PPROM, cerclages,etc etc. It make me feel empowered to UNDERSTAND how and why things happen, and how to try to prevent them. I feel better knowing what to ask the doc, and then truly understanding his answers. And it gives me peace to know that I will never again be in a position where I must completely rely on what others are telling me. You know what I mean Meghan, because youve done your research on recurrent pg. loss, clotting, etc.

b) Is there anything that anyone did to help you that specifically touched your heart? It meant the most when I received things that were specifically for MY GIRLS...like donations to charities in their names, trees and stars named after them, jewelry w/ their birthstones on, and other PERSONALIZED items.

c) Is there anything that anyone did to "help" that made things worse? Bring their kids around to "cheer me up". Try to keep me included in things so that I didnt feel isolated... but the events were things like party at Chuck E Cheese, baby shower, pictures w/ Santa, etc.

[CathyWood]

I talked about it

[Mich831]

I don't feel I did one thing that helped me cope with my loss. My due date is coming up. It was July28th and my baby would have been 2yrs old.

A friend from SC sent me flowers and so did a family friend of my DH's which was really meaningful to us.

I agree with everyone about what people have said that DIDN'T help. My RE said somethings that really didn't sit right with me. I mean I know he's a doctor and all but come one I went through IVF to even get PG. The last thing I want to hear is well *it* (he called my baby an IT) just wasn't right. And oh the other one...Well, it's better that it happened now rather than later. Ok, I know it would be SO much harder to lose my baby later on in my PG but come on didn't he think it still hurt me to lose my baby even though I was 7w3d PG? I was NEVER PG before. I'd been TTC since 1993 and after 9yrs of thinking I could never get PG we were.

My Mom is the nicest person in the world. She really only trys to say things to make you feel better. I know she was trying to make me feel better but this just didn't. She would tell me everytime someone else would have a MC. Mostly famous peopke that would have one or if she heard of someone famous TTC and going through IVF or something. Like as if just because it was happening to them it should make me feel better about it. I guess she wanted to make me realize that I wasn't the only one dealing with MC and IF. But I didn't care at that point. It was ALL happening to ME.

Oh and I know my MIL was trying to be nice to me. But we don't get along at all and she wanted me to open up and talk to her about the MC. When I told her I didn't want to talk to anyone she said well, you talk to your Mother about it. I said YES, SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME! And then she went on to say that I talked to my girlfriend about it. Yes, I've known her for 20 yrs. I knew my MIL for 7yrs at the time. I didn't want to talk to anyone really about it. And she was the last person I wanted to talk to. She had a MC about 17yrs ago and felt that she and I could relate. My own Mother had a MC over 50yrs ago and I couldn't relate to her. My sister too had a MC about 20 yrs ago and thought she too could relate. All of these women...my MIL, my Mother and my sister all had children before their MC (not that it makes it any easier) and NONE OF them had to indure PCOS and IF and any kind of IF treatments. Again not that it makes their MC's any less painful but us girls that go through IF and PCOS just makes it all that much hard to get PG and to *ME* it's just an extra stab in my heart.

Ok, I am done...sorry to go on and it seems like I've hijacked your post. I just wanted to share what I had felt. And it doesn't help that my baby's due date is coming up.

Good Luck with you TV debut!

Michele