What do you all think?

[jlmcquade]

This is just an update from my m/c that happened the weekend before last. I had my beta level checked this past Thursday and got the result of a 9. When the nurse called me on Friday with the result she said that I would probably need another blood draw because they like to see the numbers below 5 or better yet, 0. Well, she forgot to call back on Friday so I called yestarday and she told me the doc said no blood tests, everything looks ok. Now, this doc is not MY doc he's just a fill in because my doc is on vacation until July 8 (thankfully I get to see him on the 13th). Does all this sound ok to you gals? Another question: How on earth do you all go places with out wanting to break down and cry? Example: My husband suggested we go to Red Lobster for a nice dinner because I have not left base (I live on Edwards Air Force Base and normally I can't wait to go into town for a dose of civilization) for 2 weeks. So, we went and had to wait about 15 min for a table. Well, in that 15 min I think all the babies and/or pregnant women in the Lancaster area decided to eat out there too. And, then we were seated across from this couple who just had a baby. This baby was so little and cute. My husband asked me if I wanted to move but, it didn't matter because there were babies everywhere. I just wanted to go home but, we had dinner and it was nice to be able to spend time with my husband. Sorry to go on I just had to get that out. Thanks for all your support you guys. So far it has not gotten easier, but it's nice to be able to talk to ladies that understand. God Bless.

-Julie

[SheriKCMO]

Hang in there, Julie! It takes a while to get used to the pregnancies and babies that seem so easy for everyone else to achieve. I have had to duck into a bathroom or hold my breath and squeeze my eyes shut on several occasions. The worst for me was to see a little girl with her dad... I just couldn't wait to make my husband's dream of fatherhood a reality, and it seemed most painful to see exactly what we were being denied. I also saw the baby Halloween costumes last year and thought that I should be buying one for my baby, and I really lost it right there in the store. But it's no one else's business, so just go ahead and feel what you need to feel. You've lost a baby, and fortunately for most people in that restaurant, they don't have to endure that, so they can put up with someone looking upset in the next booth. Give yourself time.

As for your beta, it's most likely down to zero if you had 9 several days ago... it's really when it wavers up and down in the hundreds that they fear ectopic pregnancies or that you're holding onto tissue. If you want to be certain, get this answer straight from your own doctor, because that is what you're paying him for, and you deserve to feel secure about something right now. It's hard to concentrate on your physical health in a time like this, but it will be very good to know that you're just fine physically so that when you feel ready, you can choose to ttc again.
((((Hugs))))
Thanks for the update!

[kwannabee]

I'm just sending hugs to you...i totally relate and i can say that after we lost my twins it took months for me to be able to face the world and would you believe RED LOBSTER was where i had my first real big family dinner too...and i spent most of my time looking at the floor...literally choking with emotion. Ive had breakdowns in the mall, at walmart...at traffic lights listening to a song on the radio...after i lost my girls every commercial was about babies and every table had a high chair and EVERY single person in the universe had a baby and i didnt...so i know...we all know...how you feel. Its pretty raw right now...just give yourself time and you will get stronger again...but its true...for now you just have to feel what you feel...

Kim

[jlmcquade]

Thanks Sheri & Kim,

From what you all described to me about your greiving process it is alot like what I am going through. I actually feel a bit normal now (or as close to it as I can get). I was thinking that maybe I was loosing my mind. I have had the exact same reactions to commercials and seeing babies as you all have. Kim that is unbelievable that we both had our first dinners after our m/c at Red Lobster, great minds do think alike!

Sheri, thanks to for the advice on my betas. My doc is out and this doc didn't impress me when I saw him a few weeks ago and if I can't talk to my doc, I know you all will have the answers that I need. Thanks so much for all your support. God Bless

-Julie

[VivC]

((Julie)). I still have times when I lose it in public. I can promise you that eventually, they're fewer and farther between. And, someday, you'll be able to look at other babies without crying.

You're perfectly normal. Whenever we had the urge for dinner out, we had takeout. I just wasn't able to face the families in the restaurants!

[saluki_fan]

Julie,

I agree 100% with Sheri on the beta thing. And if your "regular" doc wants to do one more, I think you should. It's good to make sure it's down to 0.

As far as going out in public...I managed to do OK about this, but there was a specific incident in the Borders parking lot once, while my HCG levels were dropping, that I can laugh about now, but it's kind of sad. Some crotchety old man was convinced I stole his parking spot and got out of his car to yell at me in the middle of the parking lot. (I KNOW he had not been waiting for the spot because I would have seen him.) I distinctly remember this was on Labor Day and I had gone to Borders because I needed to get out of the house and there usually aren't a lot of babies or even young children there. This man just went berserk on me - screaming at me, telling me he had waited 10 minutes for my spot (when I know he hadn't been there when I pulled in) calling me a thief and hussy because I had my convertible top down, a bi***, you name it. People were standing there and staring at him while he threw his temper tantrum. I just lost it right there and said "If you have SO MUCH FREE TIME that you'd wait 10 minutes for a spot, when I KNOW you weren't there when I pulled in, and you are TOO LAZY to to drive to that other empty spot 5 spaces away, which is actually closer to the store anyway, I'll just leave the store right now and you can have this stupid spot, but you need to know how pathetic you are, and that I'm only doing this because I feel sorry for you." (While crying.) And this man refused to go to one of the empty spots 5 spots away, he watched while I backed out, crying so hard I could barely see, and left. Normally I avoid confrontation but something in me just snapped right then. I never even got to go into Borders. When I got home DH asked what was wrong, and I told him, and he went berserk as well. We got back into DH's car and went back to Borders to look for this guy, but his car was already gone (and it had only been 15-20 minutes too!) To this day I wish I had written down his plate number and reported him for road rage...because basically that's what that was.

So, that wasn't a breakdown over seeing children exactly, but my moods were all over the place and I just wasn't up for the personal attack over something I didn't even do.

[jlmcquade]

Viv, thank you for your support. I know it will eventually get easier and I really can't wait for that day when I can be ok with seeing other babies and pregnant women. But, for now I am seriously considering take out too.

Meghan, all I can say is WOW! I can't believe how incredibly rude some people can be. I do applaude you for just chewing him a new ***hole. I have been getting upset easily too. I actually went to the local sporting goods store and have priced free standing punching bags. I don't want to sound like I'm going to kick the nearest persons butt, but I would like to take out some frustration. My mom bought one for her and my sister and they love it!


My doctors office called today and said to call me back. I don't know what they would want because I have an appointment on the 13th. Hopefully my doc is back from vacation and would like to see me earlier. I actually got out of the house and had a good day out and about. I make glass beads and had a special order I needed to take to a local bead store that I sell them, there where some other women there that do various kinds of things with beads and we sat and played Boggle for a while. I actually forgot for a little while about being sad. Thanks for all your support. God Bless.

-Julie

[saluki_fan]

Julie -

Sometimes I would forget about being sad too - especially if I was out doing stuff with friends and someone said something that made me laugh. And then I'd remember that I was supposed to be sad, and feel guilty. It's a tough time.

[SweetPea76]

Julie-

I understand how you feel. After my m/c, I didn't want to leave the house for fear of seeing pg women and/or babies, and having to answer the question "How are you?" I hadn't told anyone I was pg, so no one knew about the m/c, and I didn't have it in me to smile and say I was fine. My first trip back to base (I'm the exact opposite of you- I live off of base out in town. I usually love going to base for my dose of America and just to hear English being spoken.) was a mess. I freaked out at all the pg women and babies and made DH take me home before we could do our shopping. My second trip to the base was on Pet Adoption Day, and without giving it much thought, I adopted a puppy. I just felt the need to take care of something. Maximus (my dog) was my everything and my only companion for a while until I was ready to face the world.

After a two months, I had a much better handle on my emotions, and actually found that talking about my situation helped. I started mentioning it to friends, and found that several had been in similar situations. In a way, talking about it was theraputic for me.

As far as betas go, I only had mine drawn until they hit 16. Then the doc said I was fine. Granted, I also had an u/s to make sure I had passed everything (I had a natural m/c), so he knew that it was complete. But if your regular doc wants to do them until they hit 0, I'd do them.

[deblynnc]

{HUGS} We've all been there. I had 3 m/c's, and with each one, it seemed to get harder. It was bad enough for me, wanting a child, and being surrounded by them. The hardest was when I'd see DH playing with someones child...I'd feel so guilty, like I was depriving him of something he wanted more than anything. There were times I wondered why he stayed with me, when my body kept failing to do something as basic as reproduce. I lost count of the times when it was all I could do to make it to the ladies room before the tears started.

They tracked my betas just a couple of times the first two m/c's, because they were dropping fast. I don't remember the exact numbers, but they were below 10 the last draw. The last one, they drew blood more often, because it was dropping slower. I m/c naturally each time.

Hang in there. What you're feeling is normal, considering what you're going through.

[RoxieInPa]

I am sorry for your loss. I know with my first loss they didn't track my beta's as I had a D&E done. For my second loss they tracked them till they were below 5. My last one was at 3. They droped fast for me till they got into the 100's ... then they were not droping like they "wanted". I had to go for blood work EVERY OTHER DAY for 5 weeks. I'm sorry for everyone's losses.