To Mothers of Children Who Never Were Children

[pecherpooh]

Yesterday I wrote this in my private journal and I thought I'd share it here, in hopes it would help someone else. I didn't write the poem, and I'm not sure who the author is, but it touched me deeply.

Hugs to each one of you affected by miscarriages.


Saturday, July 09, 2005
The Mama Question: Answered
You know, I should've known the answer all along. It seems so obvious to me now. I've been a mother since I was pregnant. Twice. Makes perfect sense, right? Except I have no children to show for it. I have been a foster mom to 4 kids, but they too are gone. I had one adoptive placement that came home (hotel) with us and the next day was gone, never to come back.
All of these experiences told me that I wasn't a mom any longer. So, I thought I wasn't. This year has been quite the war, with us losing most of the battles. But in this one matter, I feel like I have won.

I found this poem, cried, and then smiled:

To the Mothers of Children Who Never Were Children

To the mothers of children who never were children,
Who died in the womb unnamed and unknown:
You also were mothers, albeit but briefly,
And loved with the love given mothers alone.

Yours was the stirring of life within life,
The being of being all one being knew,
The love of a love that knew only your love,
The world to a world that knew no world but you.

Yours the unspeakable pleasure of giving
Your substance to nurture the creature within;
Yours the inscrutable song of creation,
Bringing to being the dust of the wind.

Death is the end, but never the meaning;
Life is a gift, no matter how long.
You, too, are mothers, the bearers of beauty,
The icons of love to whom this day belongs.

You may be wondering why this today. Well, first of all, I am alone with my thoughts. The thought of children is never very far from my mind or heart. Also, I lost my first baby 6/1/2000 and my second 8/1/2004. We are currently in the middle month when I think about the "what ifs." What if I hadn't lost those babies? How old would they be, what would we be doing, how we would be as a family, Paul as a daddy, and yes, me as a mama?

I mourn the loss of those children, the would'ves and could'ves. And as we look forward to adopting our first (3rd) child this October, I wonder how she would've liked older sibs and not be the oldest.

[saluki_fan]

Crina,

Thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts and poem. That poem is WONDERFUL. I hope you don't mind that I cut and paste it into a Word document for future reference (giving you credit.)

I am so sorry to hear of the struggles and challenges that you've been through, and wish you the best of luck in your journeys and adventures ahead.

Best regards,
Saluki_fan (Meghan)

[pecherpooh]

Crina,

Thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts and poem. That poem is WONDERFUL. I hope you don't mind that I cut and paste it into a Word document for future reference (giving you credit.)

I am so sorry to hear of the struggles and challenges that you've been through, and wish you the best of luck in your journeys and adventures ahead.

Meghan,

Thank you for the rainbow and your kind words. (I would leave something very nice for you, but I admit I don't know how!):0) But please do not credit me for the poem--I didn't write it!! :0)

[JuliannePCOS]

That's something I struggle with. Some people said "well you're still a mother now" to me. I don't know. I always thought of a mommy as someone who stays up at night with a sick kid... carpooling... tending to scraped knees. I don't know if I feel like I have a *right* to call myself a mommy.

For Mother's Day, my DH's sister sent me a gift certificate to a place online where I can buy a tree or a shrub of some sort to put in the ground for a memorial for the baby. It was a nice gesture. She said her DH thought it was a little creepy. I was indifferent about it. On one hand, I felt it was great that someone remembered and I felt privileged. On the other hand, I sorta felt like a fraud.

Anyone else struggle with this?

[GabrielsMom]

Crina, thanks for posting that poem and your thoughts. It was beautiful and touching. I read your sig and I feel sad for all of the pain you have been through. You are such a strong person to go through all of those failed adoptions... and still try again. I'm praying that this is the one for you.

[SheriKCMO]

Crina,
Thanks so much for sharing!

[saluki_fan]

Anyone else struggle with this?

All the time. It's definitely hard. i feel like "an unfinished mother."

[JuliannePCOS]

I hope I didn't upset anyone by saying that I feel that way.




It's nice to know I'm not alone.

[Mich831]

Thank you for sharing that and your story.

You all are mothers even though your babies aren't with you right now. They were living and growing at one time inside of you.

I lost my first baby and I know that I am her mother (I thought she was a girl). I will see her again someday. I know my Aunt (who was like a 2nd mother to me)is holding her and taking care of her until I can again.

You're a strong woman and a great mother. I hope everything works out for you and next year at this time you are running around after your little one.

Michele

[pecherpooh]

Anyone else struggle with this?

Definitely. When we had our foster children and they would go back home, I would tell my friends that I feel like I've been demoted. At fost/adopt events, our social worker would introduce us as foster parents, and the other person would ask,"how many kids do you have in your care right now?" and I would feel this small when I had to say,"none." It seemed fraudulent to say we were parents.

I hope I didn't upset anyone by saying that I feel that way. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

You certainly didn't upset me. I can relate. Realizing that I am a mother now is encouraging, but it still leaves me feeling empty when I don't see/feel my babies anywhere but in my heart.

i feel like "an unfinished mother."

Exactly.

Gabrielsmom--not strong..believe me, there are times that I feel like I'm not over the last match that failed(so much happened with that situation that didn't get resolved until late May). And I do hope this is the one, because if it isn't, we are done trying to have children (by any means) for at least a couple years.

((Meghan,Julianne, and Michele))--I'm sorry for your losses. This is a sad "club" to belong to, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Wow. I'm sorry... I'm afraid that I've gotten quite maudlin on ya.

[merrickgirl]

It takes a lot to get me teared up but that poem did it. Im so sorry for your looses and I will keep my fingers crossed for you and DH that the adoption goes through. bes tof luck

Cathy

[VivC]

Thank you, Crina, for the beautiful poem. I pasted it, too. I'm going to add it to Rivi's baby book.

Jules, I don't feel like a fraud when I call myself a mother. It's more that I just don't feel that I belong anywhere anymore (except here). It took a lot for me to switch answers when somebody asks, "How many children do you have?" Right after Rivi died, I'd always say, "One in Heaven - he was born too soon." This would be followed by such awkward silences that I just started saying, "None." And I still feel guilty everytime I deny him, but I'm sure he understands.

[saluki_fan]

At DH's grandpa's funeral, someone asked me if I had children. I said "none that are with us." The lady (his dad's cousin) just turned away and acted like she didn't hear me. She didn't even WANT to know what it meant. That stung. But I hate denying my angels existed.

[JuliannePCOS]

I know what you guys mean about the awkward silences. *sigh*