Easier isn't always better. On one of my loss boards, we have a few "rant" threads where we complain about the stupid things that people say to us in reaction to losing our babies. One of the things that really gets on our nerves is "At least it didn't happen *after* he/she was born." "At least you were only 5 weeks along." "At least you didn't have a strong bond with the baby." The stupidity of these statements defy words, but I'll explain anyway. First and foremost, these statements minimize the loss, as if it is unreasonable for us to be devastated by the fact that our children died. Secondly, there is no AT LEAST when it comes to a child dying. Nobody would ever be so stupid as to say "Well, at least your grandfather didn't die later, when you would have had a deeper bond with him." or "Well, I know your mother died, but you are young. You can at least have another one." HUMAN BEINGS ARE NOT REPLACEABLE! Yes, I am shouting. It just makes me so angry!
Fortunately, I haven't heard too many stupid comments like these, but I can imagine how frustrating it must be for women who get these comments day in and day out. Imagine constantly having to listen to this tripe.
In this online discussion, we did agree to the partial validity of the fact that it IS easier to lose a baby earlier rather than later. Having a bond with someone DOES make it harder to lose them. It is a fact of life that we all die, so we should be prepared for this fact when it comes to any one of our loved ones. But would we give up a minute that we spent with them? No, not a single second.
Allow me to step into "what if?" land for a minute. What if Gabriel had been born at full term and died of SIDS? Would I want that situation or this one? They're both devastating and there is no loving parent in the world who would want either one. But DAMN, I wish I got the chance to see my baby smile. I wish I had the chance to hear him cry, and to see his eyes. I wish I had the chance to get to know him before he left me.
I suppose it would have been easier to lose him at 5 weeks. Heck, I might have even had him a sibling by now. Would I change it if I could? There's not a chance in the world that I would. Thinking about this has made me realize that I am thankful for all of the things I DID get to experience with him.
I did get to see and hear his little heart beating. I saw him do somersaults in my womb. I FELT him moving and kicking me. I watched as my husband, the man I love beyond words, form a bond with him. I got to talk to him when he was in my belly. I got to hold him and to see just how perfect and beautiful he was. I got to feel the excitement of telling my parents that they would be grandparents for the first time. I got to see his sisters' happy faces when they found out they would have a new sibling. I got to wear maternity clothes and tell people excitedly how far along I was.
There's no way in the world that I would give a second of it back. If I somehow make it so that I didn't conceive him, there is no way in the world that I would do it. Yes, it would have been easier on me to have never gone through this pain. But then he wouldn't exist. None of that good stuff never would have happened. And he wouldn't be waiting for me in Heaven.
View Profile
View Forum Posts
View Blog Entries
View Articles
Do not rescusitate order has been issued
When i lost aimee and dana my sil was preparing to have her twins at the same time...we were due about a week or so apart...weird but true...her babies were born about a month after our memorial service....
Reply With Quote
Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Visit Homepage
You and your family are in my prayers.
DBF Tom 35 y/o
