Rock Bottom - long post

[mix]

i was going to put this in the depression thread, but i thought here was better. feel free to move it though if it's in the wrong place.

i'm feeling incredibly low right now. well, it's been creeping up on me for some time, but i don't know if i'm able to cope anymore. i just don't know what to do.

my husband and i have been arguing a LOT lately - about little things, but i know there's an underlying problem. it's mainly his ex-wife and the whole thing surrounding their daughter.

a bit of background info - his ex-wife wanted nothing to do with him or their daughter 9 months after she gave birth (and 6 months into their marriage). she walked out of the door and went off with someone else. she wanted nothing to do with her daughter or her husband and so he filed for a divorce and got custody of the child. when the daughter was about 5 years old, the mum gradually came back into her life - just the odd weekend here and there. then she remarried (not to the guy she walked out on them for). she's 8 years old now.

i met my husband and came over to america. his daughter (who i'm going to name jane here) was living with him for 5 days a week and would be with her mother at the weekends. the parents lived an hour apart.

for some reason, he decided it would be good to move closer to jane's mother's house. she would go to school down there and i would look after jane after school. we'd split the week in half - jane would be with mum (who i'll name mary) saturday to wednesday and with us the rest of the time.

my husband and i got married just after we moved. mary was ok at first, but increasingly became more difficult as time went on. she would call up my husband and tell him how rude i had been and just say some terrible things. she would call him, page him and generally hound him. i remember one time when i was in the bath and so i couldn't get the phone. i called her back and she shouted down the phone 'where were you? you were there wen't you?? why didn't you answer the phone??!'. it was so bad that she sent my husband over the edge and he is now on medication. for some reason, he can't deal with her - he would rather bow to her wishes than say no. it get so bad some mornings that he is sick in the shower. my brand new husband, our brand new marriage was being sabotaged. it still is.

there's just so much stuff - i can't go into it all. it'd take forever. she's made it very clear that she hates me - she called me fat and insecure, she's told me never to come around to their house again, etc, etc, etc. she phoned my husband up this year after mother's day and literally screamed down the phone at him because he bought me an i-pod (even though it was bought with my tax return). she told him that i'm not 'a real mother' and so why am i even getting anything for mother's day. she told him that she's always wanted an ipod.

*shakes head*

i am happy to have nothing to do with them now - who wouldn't be happy? it saves me a lot of grief. however, my husband will still bow to her. mary called us up this saturday, 15 mins before we were due to drop ofd jane with her mum and then go to a party we'd had plans for, for a while (we don't get to see friends much). mary told my husband that she was going to a concert and we had to have jane that night. mary's husband was at home, but he wanted to go to church the next day, but he only had room in his car for the baby and not for jane. so we had to pick up jane after coming home early from the party and then drop her around at her mother's the next day.

we pay for pretty much everything regarding school, healthcare, etc, we sent her to camp this summer.

this brings me to last night. my husband told me that mary had called him and said that she's spending money sending jane to camp, so could we buy her some walking boots. my husband said yes. this REALLY infuriated me. we didn't ask her for any money when we sent jane to camp. i don't understand why it works this way.

am i being petty? i just don't know what to do anymore - seriously, i feel i'm having a breakdown. i seem to have absolutely no say in anything. mary asks my husband to pay for things all the time, yet mary and her husband earn far more money than us. it's not the fact that we spend money on jane that annoys me (in fact, since i've been around, jane has far more things), it's the principle. once he gives in to her, she takes him and me for a ride. she pays for nothing. infact, recently mary was concerned about something regarding jane's health, and it was me who had to take jane. which i don't mind, but i don't understand why mary won't do it. she never splits the cost with us either.

something else is bothering me too - jane is having a birthday party, organised by her mother (again). i don't want to go - i just don't want to. it will be at a water park (i'm overweight and she's made it very clear that she finds it funny and she makes fun of me), the people invited will be mary's side of the family and they don't like me. i just don't want to go. i wanted to take jane out myself - take her to lunch, take her to a movie and go shopping, but i'm not allowed to just do this. i've been forced into going (by my husband and by jane), even though i've been told not to come near jane's mother's house again.

help! i just don't know what to do anymore. it's causing HUGE problems in my own marriage.

and to make matters worse, i'm told by my husband 'you'll understand when you have your own child'.

i'm very down. very very low. i feel hated and powerless. i feel like i'm going mad. i wish i had my family here with me, but they're 5000 miles away. it seems that i have nobody here to talk to.

[TommysGirl]

I am so sorry that you are going thru all of this. Do you think that maybe your husband buys mary things and pays for things so there will be no conflict between them, so that she will not try to get full custody or move away. I know it doesn't seem fair. Try to remember to be the better person like you have been.

About the party....is there a friend or family on dh side that will go with you. If you go try to let it seem like you are not uncomfortable so that mary and her family can't get to you. I know how you feel about being bigger because I am too. I went to the beach with my family and I wore shorts & a shirt into the lake because I would not be caught in a bathing suit.

Have you talked to your dh about your feelings? Does he understand how you feel?

((((HUGS))))

Brenna

[tess987]

For starters...A BIIIIG BIIIG Hug to you!!!!! BIG HUGS

Relationships are challenging enough to begin with, but then adding in a, shall we say not the lovliest ex-wife, makes it even more complicated.

I think the first thing is to sit back and remember that you are not powerless!!!!!! and stop letting her have any control over YOUR life! (who said that she is the one that gets to decide things around there?????) She is Jane's mother, and therefore, she is entitled to have some control over Jane's life, but NOT OVER YOURS!

She is not entitled to make you feel bad about yourself! But even worse is that you are allowing her to do it...i just want to point out that you are offended that a woman that ABANDONED HER CHILD is calling you fat...i don't really think that she is a woman of any character or integrity so if the worst thing that she can say about you is that you are fat, let her. if the worst thing that she can do is say that you are insecure, let her. and then take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is a person who has sunken so low that she is using HER OWN CHILD as a pawn in some pathetic little game that she is playing.
is this really a woman whose opinion is going to bring you down about yourself???!!!

I think you need to sit down with your husband and have a long, honest discussion, and remind him that you love your step-daughter, you love him, but that she is coming between you two.

also, i think that you should really encourage him to contact a lawyer to set up some kind of child support program so that every month it is the same amount and she can't suddenly decide that you guys should pay more or pay for jane's shoes or whatever other ridiculous thing she comes up with. the thing to remember is that this is YOUR financial future too!!! So you have a right and an obligation to make sure that your money isn't being pilfered away into her greedy hands...money spent on jane is one thing, but not when jane's mom is abusing it.

BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!! Take back your power!!! Remember that this is YOUR marriage, and YOUR life, and YOUR money, and YOUR mental well being...don't give her any more credit than she deserves!

[am419747]

I agree with TommysGirl, bring along a friend with you. Make sure it's someone you feel incredibly comfortable with and would have no problem laughing with, etc. so you have a great time, despite the situation. That's what I do whenever DH makes me go out with him and his friends(his friends hate me because I'm fat).

[ERICKA77]

HUGS!!!
It seems like she is a very hateful person, and isn't happy unless she makes everyone around her miserable. She showed her true colors when she walked out on her daughter in the first place.
Sounds to me like your DH just gives into her to keep her from blowing up. Like he avoids confortations and tries to keep the peace.
I don't have kids myself or step-kids so I can't really give you advice.
But would it be impossible to sit this woman down and talk to her heart to heart? Tell her life would be a whole lot better without negativity for everyone. Some people just don't get it.
I say don't go to the party if you don't feel like it. You shouldn't be put in an uncomfortable situation when it is already bad. Your DH should understand.
Good luck, and hang in there!!!!!

[rootsandwings]

this is your life not hers. don't let her insecurities into you. you and your hubby may need to go to therapy together. it is amazing what an objective eye can see.

don't let her or anyone else intimidate you. take control.

know that this is a great place for support. all of us are behind you. wheter we are close or 5000 miles away!

[hellofromangie]

Great advice has been given. I can only agree with the others. You are not powerless. You do have a say. Contacting a lawyer would help put that woman, who abandoned her family in her proper place. You are your husband's wife, if he cannot respect your wishes over a woman who walked out on him for another man, than he has a problem, not you.

She has a husband and a half, the half being your husband. She has not shown your husband any respect, and he is allowing her to destroy him, and wreck havoc on his new wife and marriage.

If you choose to go to the birthday party, take as many friends, co-worker, and support that you can. But, I cannot see going any place that I did not want to go, or did not feel I was welcomed. Hugs and lots of respect your way, for tolerating so much mess that is not your own.

Angie

[Owl]

lots and lots of ((HUGS)) to you! I hope you feel better soon!

[DCsFinest1]

I'm so sorry you are going through this...

I agree that you should take a friend.... If you cant I say still go and be there for Jane, act like it doesn't bother you. Smile, laugh and talk with your husband during the party, you need to make it clear that you are not intimidated by her or her family.

You need to let your husband know exactly how this situation is making you feel. Even if its writing him a letter or showing him this post. He needs to know that this situation is putting his marriage in jeopardy and he needs to stand up about some of the things his ex does.

You cant stop him from paying for everything but if it gets out of hand you can pull your share of the money out of the equation (although that should be a last resort) I feel if they don't want your input on the decision making then why should you have to contribute financially

You husband needs to know that comment about "You will understand once you have kids" is very hurtful and inappropriate.

Good Luck and the Best of Wishes in your situation...

Maybe Family counseling with work for you guys.

[mix]

I am so sorry that you are going thru all of this. Do you think that maybe your husband buys mary things and pays for things so there will be no conflict between them, so that she will not try to get full custody or move away. I know it doesn't seem fair. Try to remember to be the better person like you have been.

i'm not sure why he does it, as there is no chance that she'd be able to get full custody - my husband's investigated that and it wouldn't be possible. i do think he does it for a quiet life, but it actually, in the long run, makes it harder for us. she is the kind of person that if you give an inch, she'll take a mile. i thought we'd put some barriers up financially as well as emotionally.[/quote]

About the party....is there a friend or family on dh side that will go with you. If you go try to let it seem like you are not uncomfortable so that mary and her family can't get to you. I know how you feel about being bigger because I am too. I went to the beach with my family and I wore shorts & a shirt into the lake because I would not be caught in a bathing suit.

no, nobody near us unfortunately. his parents live miles away and mine live in england. one set of friends moved to the east coast and the other isn't anywhere near by. it's all very bad really. we don't have any kind of support network near by.

i don't mind going swimming with people who love me, but i do mind it in front of people who call me on the phone and say i'm 'a fat piece of **** wife'. i just feel really at the end of my strength. i want to lay down and not get up again.

Have you talked to your dh about your feelings? Does he understand how you feel?

((((HUGS))))

Brenna

yes, i've talked to him about it. he sits still with eyes glazed. sometimes he falls asleep during me talking. he doesn't say a word - i ask for some feedback, but he says he has nothing to say.

thank you for your caring, it means a lot to me.

i just don't know what to do. that's the thought that keeps going round and round my head right now.

[mix]

wow, i didn't see all the other posts that had been made until i posted my response to brenna. i had to stop half way through because i was on the phone with my mum.

thank you everyone for reading what i wrote and caring about it. i really appreciate it.

i've left a message for a counsellor to call me back. my husband is a bit worried about the amount of money it's going to cost, but i think it's worth it.

we did have counselling just after we got married, because of his ex-wife. it was helpful to an extent, but the lady who was seeing us seemed a little limited. it was a quick fix, but we need to really sort this one out.

thank you all again, seriously. it means a lot to me.

[Ophelia1920]

I have not been in this situation myself, but being an outsider looking in, here's what I see:

1. The ex is self centered, disrespectful, doesn't seem to care about the child unless it's convenient for her, and just a plain witch (her, not the child)
2. Does your hubby have some self esteem issues? Seems he can't stand up for himself or Jane when it comes to his ex.
3. I think family counseling would do you a world of good!
4. Has the ex ever paid child support to your hubby? If I were you, I would get legal advice about that.
5. If it were me I would NOT want to go to that bday party, NO ONE should force you to go or guilt trip you into going!! If you decide not to go, you can explain to Jane that you don't feel comfortable going (without going into details) and that you and her will have a "special time" together alone for her bday at another time.

Please get some legal advice and family counseling, and you can also find government help by looking under the government section of the white pages.

BIG HUGS to you!! I can see how totally, totally frustrating this situation is for you. And no, you are not being petty in the least bit. And your hubby should not tell you "when you have kids you'll understand". It has NOTHING to do with whether or not you have kids. It has to do with how the three of you are being treated by her!! He might not "get it" until someone outside (family counselor or the like) tells him that.

Hang in there!

[mix]

4. Has the ex ever paid child support to your hubby? If I were you, I would get legal advice about that.

no, she's never paid child support. my husband never went after her for it. she's threatened us with seeking court orders before, but my husband did get some legal advice and they say she can't. he hasn't informed her of this though.

5. If it were me I would NOT want to go to that bday party, NO ONE should force you to go or guilt trip you into going!! If you decide not to go, you can explain to Jane that you don't feel comfortable going (without going into details) and that you and her will have a "special time" together alone for her bday at another time.

i really wish. i've already spoken to jane about it - and said we'd go out for a special time, but she's having none of it. my husband won't hear of it either. i've begged, but it doesn't make any difference.

Please get some legal advice and family counseling, and you can also find government help by looking under the government section of the white pages.

he's got legal advice and all they say is 'you have all the papers to say you're the primary parent. there's nothing she can do.' but he still lives in utter fear of her. yes, i think counselling is the next thing on the list.

BIG HUGS to you!! I can see how totally, totally frustrating this situation is for you. And no, you are not being petty in the least bit. And your hubby should not tell you "when you have kids you'll understand". It has NOTHING to do with whether or not you have kids. It has to do with how the three of you are being treated by her!! He might not "get it" until someone outside (family counselor or the like) tells him that.

Hang in there!

it is SO frustrating. it makes me want to scream inside - i'm desparate for some help.

i've just never seen so much fuss over one child. i may not be a 'real' mother, but i was a child myself (who even had a step parent) and i've been around lots of children. i worry for jane - i don't think this is a healthy way to be brought up. she's going to have so many issues later on.

in fact, jane told me the other day that her mother told her she hated her. it's not an easy relationship. but she's mum, so that trumps all.

what can i do? part of me just wants to run away right now.

[VivC]

((Hugs)). I'm so sorry you're going through this. I want to beat your husband over the head right now! One thing that struck me is that you said that he lets his ex walk all over him. I thought it's ironic that you're also allowing everyone to walk all over YOU!

A few random thoughts:
1)You two need to get into therapy ASAP. Your marriage won't survive if he's belittling you and making those "when you have a child" cracks. You DO have a child. You're helping him raise HIS, taking on the responsibility his ex refused. He needs to learn to stand up to her. And you need to learn to stand up to all of them.
2)I really don't give a flying pig how much therapy will cost. I can't believe he even SAID that's a concern. He's willing to spend all of your joint money making his ex happy by providing for their daughter way beyond what's fair or necessary, but he's not willing to invest in your marriage? That's sad.
3)I would come up with a few come-backs ahead of time for his trifling ex. If she makes a fat comment, I'd say, "Yeah, I have a medical condition that causes me to gain weight. Is that what caused you to abandon your newborn?" If you have a few come-backs ready for any instance, you might be more confident. And after you zing her a few times, she'll give up. Trust me.

I'm most concerned about your husband's unwillingness to try to make you happy. I really hope he'll go to therapy with you. But even if he won't, please go by yourself - you need to build up your self-esteem and learn to say no.

((Hugs)),

[mix]

just a quick update. i've found a counsellor and we have an appointment on saturday. hopefully we can start to make some changes for our family.

thanks for all the good advice : )