What would I do (children mentioned)

[*Clarissa*]

Warning, this mentions my 4 month old.

I know I haven't been on here a lot, not as much as I used to, but I know a lot of you and knew that you all would be the only one's to understand. I couldn't share this with anyone irl.

Last night I was holding Emma, and for some reason I had a sense of de-sh-vu(spelling is horrible). I was in my bedroom, where so many times I have cried and mourned Alex and Sydney. It just all came back to me while I was holding Emma, and the tears came. I just held Emma tighter and looked at her and said, "What would I ever do without you and Noah?" And then something slapped me in the head, and I realized that I'd do the same thing without them that I do without Alex and Sydney. Sit and cry all the time.

I am so thankful to have them, but why do I torment myself about the past? Why did I ask myself that? That was just stupid.

Sorry I don't really expect any responses I just needed to get it out.

[SheriKCMO]

clarissa, i totally understand. we can be happy about one child but sad about losing a different one, all at the same time. *sigh* but i'd rather be a sensitive person than to not care and not honor my daughter's memory whenever I can.
hugs to you, cyster.

[saluki_fan]

i totally understand. we can be happy about one child but sad about losing a different one, all at the same time. *sigh* but i'd rather be a sensitive person than to not care and not honor my daughter's memory whenever I can.

I'm sorry Clarissa. Just because life moves forward doesn't mean we shouldn't stop to look back and reflect. To the day I die, I will always wonder what might have been with my first 3, even if we wind up having 20 children and I never have another loss. You can be grateful for what you have and still miss what you should have had.

[VivC]

((hugs)). I see what you're saying. Already, I'm comparing this pregnancy to my last, and I almost feel a desperation to MAKE it work this time, even though most of it is out of my hands.

Viv

[*Clarissa*]

Thanks. You all are such good friends.

I don't want to forget them, I just don't understand why I insist on dwelling on them. I love all my children and I always will, it just slapped me in the face when I said that.

[irelandsaiorse]

I know all about hanging on to the past. Just try and take 1 day at a time. Just remember, you are not alone.

[Blue 1971]

Clarissa, don't beat yourself up for feeling like this, it's only natural. I feel so blessed finally but barely a day goes by when i don't wonder what my "3 year old" might have been like and my other 2 babies too. I just thank God I finally have my Ruby, my other 3 babies will always be in my thoughts.
Take Care,
Jacqueline