scared...

[Sneez]

My temps went up high again today and that is so unusual for this late in my cycle that I am going to be testing tomorrow morning just in case there is a reason to see the RE (because DH has tomorrow off and could go with me to learn how to give shots when he won't have off for a later day). The thing of it is, I am so scared to test. My chart is so screwed up and with yesterdays drop I am guessing that once again I probably implanted nice and late at like 12 dpo. I have been through knowing I implanted late like this before and suspect that it has something to do with the overall total reason of the m/c's. I want to have all sorts of hope that this time the RE can work with me and do all I need and this time could be a full termer, but instead of being hopeful before testing, I am just afraid to go through a m/c right around Thanksgiving (and just weeks before going home on vacation).
So how do we get past this fear just to begin hoping and being afraid if we do get a second line? I don't think I have ever been afraid in this manner of testing before. I remember being hopeful and very upbeat that this time would be THE time. What could be so different now?

[jnmanderson]

(((Hugs)))

I'm not sure that you ever get past the fear 100% - as I feel it will always be there in your mind. Yet I think that you decide as Gina M has in her signature ""My heart is broken, but not my spirit. My desire to be a Mother is greater than my fear of another miscarriage." Believe me I know that is easier said then done so you just keep moving forward everyday and venting out your emotions here!

GL with the testing hope you get that BFP and it is sticky one!!

[shandris]

I agree with jnmanderson, the fear may not go away 100%...and it is completely understandable. I think part of the fear lies in not having total control of the situation. Not always being able to make your body do what you want it to do and when. I understand your fear and wish there was a way to wipe it away, so that the hopefullness and the upbeat way you used to feel could come back. I'm sorry that there is no clear cut answer, there are quite a few of us on this board who would love the answer to that question also. Like someone said on this board, your innocence is gone after a loss.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing...and if you test what the results are.

[Sneez]

Well, we are in wait and see mode now. I ended up finding out I had one test last night and DH got me to go ahead and take it. Thing is we thought we were gonna get cross eyed looking, but we saw what he called a shadow of a line and it was almost the same as the one I had 14dpo with my last angel. Today I took 2 tests, one first thing in the morning and one late in the afternoon since afternoon was better for me last time, but they were negative (same test as last night). I am going to see what happens tomorrow as to whether I start or not and then go from there. What bothered me is how I have been excuited before at the faint lines and this time I was bummed because it is just another sign to me that for some very odd reason I always implant very late (like 12 to 13 dpo) and then my low numbers at 14 to 15 dpo aren't even close to what they should be and that begins the spiral to the 6th week when I normally m/c.

Does anyone know of some way to help implantation to happen on time or anything?

Thanks to both of you for answering with such sweet replies. You can't imagine how much I appreciate being able to come here and see others who understand who give so freely of themselves!!

[Sneez]

OK, here we will be going again it looks like. I am doing much better with the fear aspect of it and feel like I can handle the testing tomorrow morning much better than the first couple of tests I took. There is no sign whatsoever of AF right now, and my chest is beginning to feel more soreness and all like I am used to when it is testing time. Thanks for giving me some semblance of sanity back with your calm reassuring words Michelle and Shandris!

[shandris]

Thanks for giving me some semblance of sanity back with your calm reassuring words Michelle and Shandris!

No problem hon. We all understand how you feel. Personally I am obsessing over getting pregnant again. DH and I had stopped all treatments and trying. I was ready to just be healthy dealing with PCOS. Then my boobs started hurting like crazy..DH thought I was pregnant but didn't want to say anything. So since we don't really know what worked last time, it is so terribly frustrating not being able to just 'get' pregnant again. I think the infertility aspect hurts more now than ever.

Please continue to keep us posted on what is happening with you...good luck on testing...let us know how it goes.

[jnmanderson]

Saprina - have you tested again? I was just wondering how you are doing? being sent your way!

After you have a m/c you lose the innocence about getting and staying pregnant that you had before. When I got pg I surprised DH to tell him (great memorie)! Well now DH and I have decided that this time around he will be there when I test (I won't be able to surprise him like last time) and I know that I will need him there for support no matter what the result is!

Sending lots of baby dust your way!!

[Sneez]

Shandris, I think many of us go through cycles. Spend some time obsessing over ttc and then some time just giving up and figuring it won't happen (which is where I was the last time I conceived). Unfortunately, we can't force ourselves to feel or not feel certain ways. I hope that soon you get that sore chest again and this time it is for a full term baby!!!

Michelle, I tested yesterday morning and it looked negative. I had a bit of question on a possible eyes playing tricks deal, but I at least have to claim it is negative. Still no AF so tomorrow will probably be another test if nothing has happened by the time I wake up. Honestly, at this point I am just ready for some answers. My chest is getting a bit more sore each day now, and yet I sit waiting to find out what if anything is going on. Thanks for checking in on me

[Sneez]

ok, took another one this morning. It was definately negative. I don't know if it was a chemical or not, but honestly trying to leave it as I will never know because right now I just can't handle dealing with it any other way. I just want AF to hurry up and come and can't figure out why I have no signs whatsoever of a visit yet. That was the last test I had, and I don't plan to be buying anymore since they have gone from looking like maybe to eyes playing tricks to completely white test area for sure. Just playing a waiting game now. The good part of this is that we think we have figured out if I do conceive before we move, and especially if next month, then who we will go to for asking for the meds I need instead of running 90 minutes each way to see my RE when I won't be here long enough to bother with paying that much in gas and tolls to keep doing that nonstop. Everything has to come to something good, I suppose.
Thanks for supporting me through this mess of a confusing time.